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No response to "I love you" Should I leave?


Juventa2012

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Hi all!

I've posted here before about my issues with my boyfriend! I've been with him for a little over a year. Hes 39 and I'm 43!

 

I think I might have made a terrible mistake. Something I never thought I would ever do.

This past weekend was my boyfriends birthday. Let's just say I was a little "tipsy" and we got into a bit of an argument and I said"I love you" to him! Oh, how I really regret saying it because he has not said to me.

 

Honestly, I felt so stupid and disappointed in his reaction. He looked at me so dumbfounded and just said, "you don't love me" he went on to say "this is just the wrong situation to say that because we are arguing" and to my disappointed there was no "I love you" said back.

 

The next morning, I told him how hurt I was and all he said was "I really care about you and I enjoy spending time with you."

So, what do I do now? I don't want to be in a relationship where someone doesn't feel the same way as I do for them. What should I say? How should I go about it. I'm confused and lost. Your opinions and advice are appreciated. Thanks in advance!

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I don't want to be in a relationship where someone doesn't feel the same way as I do for them.

 

But you are.

 

I am very cautious about moving slowly in a relationship, and a guy freaking about an "I love you" after A YEAR?!?!?! That's insane. Absolutely insane.

 

Then discrediting what you said by saying "You don't love me." ?

 

"I really care about you and I enjoy spending time with you." simply means you are a friend with benefits. He promises no future and promises no love.

 

You can do better than this. You have been waiting a year for him to love you, and he doesn't. So a year is a long enough sentence for you.

 

What should you say? You should say goodbye!

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Well, the reason why I've stayed is because his actions are showing me that he loves me. I've met his family and friends, he makes me his priority, he spends most of his free time with me, he is very affectionate and we talk about doing things in the future together. So, I'm a bit confused because all of his actions are showing me that he loves me but he's not saying the words.

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we are in a similar situation :-) my bf is 47 and i am 37 - we have been dating 1 year and neither has said 'i love you.' i look at his actions too, and they show he CARES for me, not loves. if a man loves you, especially after 1 year, he should have responded back, or at the very least have been extremely receptive to you saying it. the fact that he wasn't even receptive is a very very bad sign. you are in a caring relationship (as am I) and nothing more. if you can live with that then keep going with him without expecting the words back because he obviously doesn't have them at this time. if you want more you'll have to move on. you're going to start feeling foolish and overextended in terms of your feelings with this guy soon, and any problems that come up will be a result of your slip and the insecurity that may come with it now. imo, a man must be able to say the words and show through actions for it to be love. without the words it's just caring and nothing more. i am sorry that you said it to him, but it's good to find out he doesn't feel the same, right? now you can stop wasting time with him (or, stay, if you are able to live without the reciprocity)

Edited by newmoon
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Does it have to be exactly equal? I know people who are married, and the husbands are on record as saying they'd willingly die for their wives, no questions asked. The wives have said they'd die for the children, but not for their husbands. The love is lopsided, yet the men stay married to the women who'd never have their back.

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Life is too short to spend time with a man who simply " really likes you, too much to let you go, but is not crazy about you either"

 

Unless of course, your very unattractive and don't have a very affable, remarkable personality to compensate.

 

If you are confident within yourself, and believe you are worthy of finding a man who adores and loves you and is totally nuts about you, then please go and find it.

However, if you do not think you deserve the above bolded, then stay with this current guy. Or, if you think you deserve it but are very unattractive and do not get many people to like you, still chase after a man who adores you; it will just take longer, and you will have to go fr other very unattractive men.

 

So even if your not that good of a dating prospect to many people yourself, you CAN STILL DO BETTER then what you currently have.

Even the worst looking people, with nothing that interesting about them, go on to find partners that love and adore them.

 

Bottom line: move on from this man, and wait around for a man who adores you and MORE than just "really enjoys spending time together"

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Hi all!

I've posted here before about my issues with my boyfriend! I've been with him for a little over a year. Hes 39 and I'm 43!

 

I think I might have made a terrible mistake. Something I never thought I would ever do.

This past weekend was my boyfriends birthday. Let's just say I was a little "tipsy" and we got into a bit of an argument and I said"I love you" to him! Oh, how I really regret saying it because he has not said to me.

 

Honestly, I felt so stupid and disappointed in his reaction. He looked at me so dumbfounded and just said, "you don't love me" he went on to say "this is just the wrong situation to say that because we are arguing" and to my disappointed there was no "I love you" said back.

 

The next morning, I told him how hurt I was and all he said was "I really care about you and I enjoy spending time with you."

So, what do I do now? I don't want to be in a relationship where someone doesn't feel the same way as I do for them. What should I say? How should I go about it. I'm confused and lost. Your opinions and advice are appreciated. Thanks in advance!

 

Considering your age and length of time together, almost one year, the I love you's should have happened long ago. he sounds like a committment phobe. You have every right to be upset, feel hurt and feel angry at him.

 

Time for a talk, figure out what it is you want vs what you are getting from him. Sounds like he is just happy enough as things are, but you want more, maybe marriage?

 

Just be honest with him. That you do love him (own it, it's out there and it's OK that you said I love you to him!) and want to know what he is feeling and where he sees things heading between you two in the near future.

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Thank you to all of you for your advice. A little bit of background on my guy.

I truly believe that he is just emotionally guarded. When we first started dating, he had just gotten over a 3 year relationship with a woman who was literally crazy! She would stalk him, put hand held tape recorders under his bed and his couch to record his conversation. All in all, the relationship was toxic and dysfunctional and he claimed the he was "in love with her". Where that comes from, I don't know, and I'm not about to analyze it. I've been told that I'm very attractive and look young for my age, so that is not the case. I just believe he has major insecurity issues and he needs to look deep within himself!

 

It's bizarre to me that he, after a year, cannot say those words but his actions show me otherwise. I'm confused and torn. I want to leave but he WANTS to spend every day with me and is very affectionate when I'm there. Please note, our relationship is not based on sex. We can go days without it! We have great conversations and have similar likes, morals and values! He once mentioned to me that he had a girlfriend that he dated for 3 years and never told her that he loved her! He has issues with verbally expressing his feelings but has not problems exuding his love in actions. A friend of mine told me about a book titled "The 5 Love Languages" and I believe he just shows his love through his actions. Although I am a little confused about where this is going, I do plan on asking him this---

"Is it that you just can't say those words or is it that you just don't feel it?"

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"The lady doth protest too much" comes to mind here. Now you are coming up with all kinds of excuses for why he hasn't said it.

 

Look, if you feel that he loves you based on his actions, then you have to determine whether that in lieu of him actually saying "I love you" is enough to keep you happy.

 

Based on what you wrote in your previous post, you seem to want to hear those words:

 

So, what do I do now? I don't want to be in a relationship where someone doesn't feel the same way as I do for them.

 

Now that people are telling you to run for the hills, suddenly you are saying that you know he does love you based upon his actions.

 

So, which is it? Do you believe he loves you or not? Will you be satisfied with possibly never hearing those words or not? Only you can decide.

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Hi Clia,

So true what you are saying. And honestly, I may be confused myself. I don't know if it's important for me to hear them, but I am at the point where I want to ask him what I mentioned in my previous post.

"Is it that you just can't say those words or is it that you just don't feel it for me?"

I've been married before so I'm not in rush to get married but I am looking for a partner to grow old with.

I've made his life easy. He is attending grad school and I've been extremely supportive and there for him. I feel like when I have stress and problems that he's been there for me as well. But him being 39 and never married, is kind of red flag for me.

I know about his past and its a bit shady. He was in a 7 year relationship with a girl who told him that if he wasn't ready to take the next step that they were done and he wasn't so they broke up. I truly believe he has issues but I've fallen for him and I have to rapidly figure out what to do.

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He was in a 7 year relationship with a girl who told him that if he wasn't ready to take the next step that they were done and he wasn't so they broke up. .

 

Yep... HUGE red flag. That red flag is so obvious, it's on fire. Apparently his ability to show love through actions kept her hanging on in hope for 7 years!

 

Being affectionate isn't always about showing love though. You have to remember that there is something for HIM in giving affection. He gets to have a companion. He gets intimacy. He gets sex. He gets friendship. So it is beneficial to him to have a relationship with you.

 

This does not necessarily mean he loves you, and it definitely doesn't mean he will ever marry you or say the words "I love you".

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"Being affectionate isn't always about showing love though. You have to remember that there is something for HIM in giving affection. He gets to have a companion. He gets intimacy. He gets sex. He gets friendship. So it is beneficial to him to have a relationship with you.

 

This does not necessarily mean he loves you, and it definitely doesn't mean he will ever marry you or say the words "I love you".

 

Exactly! I totally agree with you! I guess this is opening my eyes to the reality of the relationship of the situation! HE HAS ISSUES! Can you believe he was going to marry his ex-girlfriend (the one he had a toxic and dysfunctional relationship) with?

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You're right! Being affectionate is not about showing love! So I can just assume that he is using me for companionship, friendship and sex?

It's sad, but mostly I'm just disappointed in myself.

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You're right! Being affectionate is not about showing love! So I can just assume that he is using me for companionship, friendship and sex?

It's sad, but mostly I'm just disappointed in myself.

 

I wouldn't assume this. I would ask him the question you were going to ask. Does he not love you, or is he just scared to say the words? I also think a year in, you can ask about what he sees for the future of the relationship. Does he want to get married ever? If so, what would his ideal timeline look like? Does he want children? If so, what would his ideal timeline look like?

 

If he freaks out or shuts down, you have your answer.

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Thank you for your advice Pteromom! Yes, it will hurt to hear his response assuming that his actions mean nothing other than he enjoys spending time with me everyday, every weekend, holidays, etc. He calls me his girlfriend and introduces me as such too....

I guess, I need to do it sooner than later. I'm running out of time! Literally! I'm 43 and don't think I'm able to have children without some sort of medical help at this point. I feel so sad and lost right now.

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I'm sorry that you're feeling like this Juventa2012, and agree with Pteromum that you need to ask him what he sees for the future. I hope he give you the answer you'd like.

Some guys can't seem to say 'I love you', and honestly, I guess if his actions tell you that he does, then you have to go with your gut instinct. Just because he doesn't say it might not mean that he doesn't.

However, I do think you need to know where he sees you headed as a couple, and what sort of timescale he sees. Like you say, you are running out of time for children, and you have to think of yourself in this situation or you may have big regrets later...

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Hi Clia,

So true what you are saying. And honestly, I may be confused myself. I don't know if it's important for me to hear them, but I am at the point where I want to ask him what I mentioned in my previous post.

"Is it that you just can't say those words or is it that you just don't feel it for me?"

I've been married before so I'm not in rush to get married but I am looking for a partner to grow old with.

I've made his life easy. He is attending grad school and I've been extremely supportive and there for him. I feel like when I have stress and problems that he's been there for me as well. But him being 39 and never married, is kind of red flag for me.

I know about his past and its a bit shady. He was in a 7 year relationship with a girl who told him that if he wasn't ready to take the next step that they were done and he wasn't so they broke up. I truly believe he has issues but I've fallen for him and I have to rapidly figure out what to do.

 

As another poster pointed out, the ILYs should have happened a while ago. That he is minimizing YOUR feelings for him when you said it to him at a YEAR is a flaming red flag, quite frankly. That's not about the Five Love Languages and how he feels comfortable expressing his love for you. No, that's him trying to get you to deny that you actually love him. Your being in love with him makes him uncomfortable. Is that a reasonable response from someone who loves you?

 

You said he's 39, single... Does he have kids? Want kids?

 

In your shoes, based on what you've shared, I would be very concerned about being convenient and his Ms. Right Now while he's trying to get through grad school.

 

There are no guarantees in life, but sometimes the signs are fairly clear that we aren't going to get what we want from someone, IF we can put aside our emotions and face the situation for what it is. None of us has all the details and a full picture of your situation. You do.

 

There have been many threads from women who've waited and hoped. Reading some of the male posters' comments might be helpful as you contemplate how to assess your own situation.

 

Here is one from a few days ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/359560-i-dont-want-marry-you

(I noticed that almost all of the male responses have since been deleted by a moderator, which is a shame. But you can still get a sense of the thinking.)

 

...and another one completely scrubbed of the original male responses (but still might be useful):

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/359583-i-am-devasted-ex-got-married-after-6-weeks

 

There are tons of other threads (editted by moderators of course) on the topic. It's a common dilemma.

Edited by Cutiepie1976
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Thanks for the links Cutiepie1976! That really helped me realize even more that I'm just wasting my time! I'm really disappointed and want so many questions answered. Don't know why a man would go through all the trouble of introducing me to his family and including me on important dates (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Dad's Birthday) if he didn't want a future with me?

I'll just have to try and move on without answers.

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bittersweet memories
As another poster pointed out, the ILYs should have happened a while ago. That he is minimizing YOUR feelings for him when you said it to him at a YEAR is a flaming red flag, quite frankly. That's not about the Five Love Languages and how he feels comfortable expressing his love for you. No, that's him trying to get you to deny that you actually love him. Your being in love with him makes him uncomfortable. Is that a reasonable response from someone who loves you?

 

You said he's 39, single... Does he have kids? Want kids?

 

In your shoes, based on what you've shared, I would be very concerned about being convenient and his Ms. Right Now while he's trying to get through grad school.

 

There are no guarantees in life, but sometimes the signs are fairly clear that we aren't going to get what we want from someone, IF we can put aside our emotions and face the situation for what it is. None of us has all the details and a full picture of your situation. You do.

 

There have been many threads from women who've waited and hoped. Reading some of the male posters' comments might be helpful as you contemplate how to assess your own situation.

 

Here is one from a few days ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/359560-i-dont-want-marry-you

(I noticed that almost all of the male responses have since been deleted by a moderator, which is a shame. But you can still get a sense of the thinking.)

 

...and another one completely scrubbed of the original male responses (but still might be useful):

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/359583-i-am-devasted-ex-got-married-after-6-weeks

 

There are tons of other threads (editted by moderators of course) on the topic. It's a common dilemma.

 

Why would the Moderators edit?? Not cool.... I would love to read what the male responses have to say, actually male and female.

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Oh and he doesn't have kids, and yes he wants them "someday."

I'll just have to try and move on without answers.

K A R M A---that is all I have to say!

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Thank you for your advice Pteromom! Yes, it will hurt to hear his response assuming that his actions mean nothing other than he enjoys spending time with me everyday, every weekend, holidays, etc. He calls me his girlfriend and introduces me as such too....

 

It will hurt if he doesn't give you the answers you want, but information is power. If you know he doesn't want the same thing you want, you can move on and not waste more time on him. Or - if he explains that he does want those things (in a reasonable timeframe) and explains that he loves you but has a hard time saying it, you can decide whether you want to continue the relationship.

 

If you want children at 43, it may be too late for you to do it naturally (not what you want to hear, I know, but again, information is power.) This doesn't mean you cannot have a child, but your odds go down every day you wait. At this point, you need to be assessing how important it is to you to have a biological child, and if it is important, you need to think about going to an RE to be checked out and get your options very soon. In other words, it needs to become a priority.

 

I wish the best for you!

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Why would the Moderators edit?? Not cool.... I would love to read what the male responses have to say, actually male and female.

 

The female responses remain. I suspect most male responses wee removed because they weren't terribly empathetic and were somewhat harsh in the way they phrased their input. In a nutshell, they were along the lines of you have no one but yourself to blame if you make a guy's life easy and comfortable, take care of his needs (sex, companionship, home-cooked meals, taking care of the house) and continue to hang on rather than leaving when he's not committing. Now bear in mind, the OPs in those threads had spent their 30's with these guys, and had hung in there for six or seven years (not one year) through the various reasons why the timing was off to get married. The one analogy that stuck with me was one about getting the old family car. It's not what you want, but it works and meets your needs until you have the wherewithal to focus on getting a new car. The poster made the point that you invariably end up keeping the family car much longer than you ever expected before replacing it.

 

I'm not a fan of the direction those threads generally take. Brutal honesty can be very hard to take! While it's disheartening to see that people would let you waste your 30's on them, at the end of the day, it's also a reminder that we as adults, are ultimately responsible for what happens in our lives. Others are not our parents and have no real obligation to ensure that our interests are considered and met. It's on us to be clear about what we need and to walk if we aren't getting it. Ditto for guys in relationships that aren't meeting their needs.

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Oh and he doesn't have kids, and yes he wants them "someday."

I'll just have to try and move on without answers.

K A R M A---that is all I have to say!

It's difficult and upsetting to go through...

 

A couple of things:

 

#1: Consider harvesting your eggs and freezing them. You are at the cutoff for this (42/43 and sometimes earlier depending on your hormone levels), so I would see a reproductive endocrinologist to get tested and discuss your options, if having bio kids is something you want.

 

#2

I would talk to your boyfriend (in an open, non-confrontational manner) and see what he has to say. Communication is always useful.

 

#3

He wants a family "someday" and doesn't welcome YOU saying ILY at a year into the relationship? Given your ages, the odds are against you being "the one" unfortunately.:(

 

I hope you get some clarity. Good luck!

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charlietheginger

title sounds like a scene from a movie...

 

Couple in bed man thrusting away on top...

Women scream i love you..

Bed stops moving akward silence..

 

Man leaves out the doorsteps

Scene cuts to women in bathroom

On toilet crying

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title sounds like a scene from a movie...

 

Couple in bed man thrusting away on top...

Women scream i love you..

Bed stops moving akward silence..

 

Man leaves out the doorsteps

Scene cuts to women in bathroom

On toilet crying

 

Ha! Good one! I surely wish I hadn't said "I love you" to him. It's now something I have to live with. I should've known that he was a commitment phobe when he mentioned being in a 3 year relationship about 10 years ago and never told the gf at the time that he loved her!

 

I look back and analyze when/why I said "I love you" in the middle of an argument and looked within myself, and realized that it was maybe said in desperation or maybe not! I know I'm not a doormat! I never did EVERYTHING he wanted me to do. I did nice things for him because I wanted to. It's just disappointing because now I realize he is a very selfish person and now I don't even know if his kindness and caring was sincere or only to benefit himself.

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