Drseussgrrl Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I was out with my girlfriends this past weekend at a club. At one point, one of my girlfriends introduces me to a guy friend of hers who showed up with a buddy. We're all drinking, having fun, and move on to another club. About 30 minutes after we get to the second club (it was a salsa club), the cute guy goes with me upstairs where there is a second dance floor and a restroom. I use the restroom, and when I come out, cute guy takes me out on the floor and starts dancing with me. And it was HOT. He's a great salsa dancer and we end up making out a little. He kept saying how much he had been wanting to to do that since we met. We eventually make our way down to the rest of our friends. I'm thinking - ok I like this one, we have a lot of fun. My girlfriend then sort of corners me at the bar and starts asking me where I've been, and how much she REALLY likes cute guy. Saying that they've been friends for years, but nothing has ever happened, blah blah. At this point I feel like crap because I had JUST been sucking face with him about 5 minutes prior haha. So I back off for the rest of the night. Thing is, now cute guy is blowing me up, wanting to take me to dinner, etc. I told him about my reservations because of my friend's feelings. He said that they had met about 4 years ago, he had chased her a bit back then, but she had blown him off. Now, after coming out of a long-term relationship, he's back on the market and looking to have some fun, and my friend is barking up his tree. Normally I would say this is an obvious answer - put my friend's feelings first. Which I'm going to do. But it's been a while since I've really had that much fun with someone and he's being very persistent. Texting me in the mornings, asking what restaurant he can take me to, etc and I just don't know what to say to either one of them at this point. Sucks. BLAH Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Have been in this situation several times, and have always done the honorable thing and backed off. Time has proved me wrong in doing so, and I have missed good opportunities because of it. If you feel this guy could end up as a BF, not just a fling, put -your- desires first. Your friend had her chance, and is being selfish because she -knows- you have a chance here. Don't think she doesn't know exactly what is going on. She should have -your- interests at heart, as the guy is interested in you. If OTOH, you feel like the guy is just a fling, consider backing off and telling him and your GF as much. Make it very clear that she -owes- you, and keep it in your bank for when this type of deal comes up again, as with these types of friends it likely will. If you are unsure or don't have any feel as to what could come of things with this guy, fling or BF, tell your GF she has -one month- and at the end of that time, if things aren't moving between them, you will consider all restrictions gone. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drseussgrrl Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Thanks. Interesting spin on things. I'm not sure what this guy is. Could be a fling since he's coming out of a long-term deal, could be a boyfriend. Don't know. I do know that the chemistry is pretty amazing. Update: I finally agreed to have dinner with him tonight (after he kept pestering me). He is very aware of my reservations and says he understands that I want to be a good friend, but that he really wants to see me. I'm just going with the idea that I could see if there is something there or if it was just a hot night out at the club. He isn't interested in my friend. He mentioned that if something were to happen, it would have already over all these years. I guess I'll just see how tonight goes, then decide from there what my course of action is. Why do I feel so guilty about this though? Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Yeah, I agree, it's not black and white at all. Your friend had her chance, according to him, she blew him off. Has he made it clear to her that he's not interested? If he has, then she's hanging on to hope, and she'll probably resent you if you go out with him. So you have to debate which is more important to you. You could always go on a few dates and see how things go, you don't have to tell her everything. If he hasn't made it clear to her that he's not interested, then she'll be really hurt if you go out with him, because she'll think you stole him away from her potential chance to be with him. Know what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drseussgrrl Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 I agree RR. I'll ask him tonight if she has ever made her feelings plain to him and ask him what he's said. Although, from the way she was talking about him the other night, I think she knows it's unrequited. She seemed frustrated. I basically just told her that he probably wasn't ready for anything since his ex just moved out a few months ago. Granted this was after he spun me around the dance floor and we had just made out LOL. I don't think I'm going to say anything to her unless I feel like this could develop into something. If we're just having fun, I don't really see why she would need to know. It would only hurt her feelings. I don't necessarily bring "flings" into my circle of friends anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
InJest Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Don't bring it up, but don't hide it or back down if she finds out. Tell her that she blew him off, and he's not interested anymore. If she can't be happy for you, or at least accepting, then she's a selfish bitch and not really your friend. I'm inclined to think she's a selfish bitch. Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Yeah, if you're just having some fun, have fun, no need to advertise. You're not doing anything wrong, she seems to know it's never going to happen for her anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Want to add here also that this guy is a stranger who gave you a good turn on the dance floor and a hot makeout session. Still a stranger to be vetted just like any other stranger. Keep your eyes open. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drseussgrrl Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 Update: I had a long talk with him last night after canceling our date. I told him I didn't feel right about seeing him without our friend knowing about it. It felt sneaky. All in all - she has been a really good friend to me and I feel like I would want the same. I told him that I probably wouldn't reach out to him again until I had talked to her myself, and encouraged him to do the same - be upfront with her about his feelings toward her which are platonic. He has a rather flirtatious demeanor and I'm not sure if she reads into that too much. We both agreed that it sucks because we like each other, but I don't want to lose a friend because of this, either. I dunno - today I'm feeling so blah about it and frustrated. He did tell me he thinks I'm a good friend and that the way I am handling it is admirable. Ok Karma - what do you have in store for me? Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Update: I had a long talk with him last night after canceling our date. I told him I didn't feel right about seeing him without our friend knowing about it. It felt sneaky. All in all - she has been a really good friend to me and I feel like I would want the same. I told him that I probably wouldn't reach out to him again until I had talked to her myself, and encouraged him to do the same - be upfront with her about his feelings toward her which are platonic. He has a rather flirtatious demeanor and I'm not sure if she reads into that too much. We both agreed that it sucks because we like each other, but I don't want to lose a friend because of this, either. I dunno - today I'm feeling so blah about it and frustrated. He did tell me he thinks I'm a good friend and that the way I am handling it is admirable. Ok Karma - what do you have in store for me? You're doing the right thing by considering her feelings and wanting to talk to her first about this. I commend you for this. I think though after you have a talk with your friend, you should go out with him. She had her chance. She blew him off before. Now she wants him? Don't let her ruin something that could work out great for you. If she's truly your friend, she will respect the fact that you went to her first about this, then step aside and let you two go out. If she has an attitude, then she only cares about herself. A real friend would step aside. Remember: she had her chance and chose not to go out with him in the past. That's on her NOT you. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 It's not like he was dating her and dumped her for you. He was never interested in her. She needs to deal with it. You aren't her mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Yookie Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I'm glad you decided to talk to your friend first. I was wondering why you didn't come clean in the first place when she brought it up. Telling her later is going to sound like you were being shady. Given the fact that this guy is newly out of a LTR and you made out with him immediately after meeting him, I'd say the chances that he will consider you for a serious relationship are SLIM to NONE. He's blowing up your phone because you are easy (or he thinks you are). Also, he may already be banging your girlfriend on the side but since you two aren't comparing notes, he can just continue to play you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drseussgrrl Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 Don't really care why he's blowing me up. I'm not naive. Why are you assuming that I even WANT a long term relationship with this guy? And "easy"? Come on. You've never made out with someone in a bar before? He's not banging my friend because she's a virgin and saving herself for marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
InJest Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 This new info just changed this story from silly, to completely ****ing ridiculous. Your friend is a stupid, delusional cunt. She thinks she's gonna rope this guy who clearly has no shortage of options into marriage, without even sleeping with him, and wants you to back off?! This is ****ing crazy. Tell your friend that the guy asked you out and you're going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drseussgrrl Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 Well - it was a combination of his persistence, my loneliness, and alcohol. I slept with him last night and it was HOT and awesome. So yeah - this complicates things. Link to post Share on other sites
NateC Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Well - it was a combination of his persistence, my loneliness, and alcohol. I slept with him last night and it was HOT and awesome. So yeah - this complicates things. TO be honest, if she's a real friend she will be *happy* for you. She had her chance and after that it's all fair game. Dating is by no means a game. She can't claim a guy because she likes them. The only way this would work is if they were actually seeing each other or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts