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How do I tell if he's a player or actually interested?


Merenishen

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I'll try to make it short... I was played a year ago by some douche, and ever since then I've been terrified of getting heart broken again.

 

I met a guy I really liked a few days ago. I'm 19 years old, and he is 22. I was out with some friends drinking at a bar and he was there with some other people and he and I started to talk. I got pretty drunk that night, and although later on I feigned blacking out and not remembering anything when he asked me, I remember 99% of the night. I was super flirty while I was drunk and I was holding his hand a lot to keep from falling over or getting lost while the group of us walked around drunk, and at one point I did kiss him. (I do regret lying, because I normally make it a motto for me to always be honest and respectful. I kind of lied on the spot when he first asked me the morning after, because I was just super embarrassed. But I do have every intention to clear this up first chance I get, and hopefully he'll understand.)

 

The next day, when I was sober, I DID realize I had some interest in the guy (which is super rare for me, I never really like guys and I haven't ever been interested in a guy since the last time I got my heart broken last year). I was all giddy and happy for having being able to experience that feeling all over again.

 

We've been texting a lot since then, and he keeps telling me how much he likes talking to me, blah blah. But I've been trying to cut back, because I don't want to risk getting too "into" a trap and then having a hard time getting out. Pretty much, I DO NOT WANT TO GET PLAYED.

 

He keeps talking about wanting to see me again this coming up weekend, but I'm hesitant. I just don't know if I want to, because I don't feel "ready" to be able to date and not being able to tell a player apart from a sincere guy. (I suffer from depression and anxiety and I'm in therapy and on meds, so my fears in all that also play a huge part in my hesitation to ever really take a "step forward" perse.)

 

I have no intentions of giving sex up, because I DO know that's a huge mistake that a woman can make.

 

I told my mom about my situation and she suggested I cut down on talking and texting so much, and not show too much interest. I know my mother is a very experienced woman, but.... argh, I don't want to play mind games or those "power games". Is that really a necessity to dating? To act uninterested and have them chase you? Doesn't acting uninterested repel them? I'd hate to add all these "dating" games into my agenda when I've got so much stuff on my plate already with my mental health + fulltime work.

 

What should I do and how should I be acting? What should I watch out for? How much of myself can I share and how much should I hold back?

 

Thanks in advance for any tips... (: I just don't want to be naive and fall in too easily and just get screwed over.

 

I do want to also add that while I do have a number of guys on my agenda and contacts who are interested in me, I'm just the type of person where if I don't really feel a "click" with anyone, I just can't bring myself to being interested. Dates are boring, and I don't enjoy them. This is literally the first guy since my last one that I've felt legitimate interest it. Which just makes it the more stressful... sigh. I don't have the capability to "keep my options open" and date various guys at a time if I'm only really interested in one of them, get what I mean? ): I just feel like this mindset is going to be the end of me because of how easy it is to fall into a trap of "tying" yourself to one person if they're the only one you like...

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truth_seeker

Players are impatient. They will lay the bs on thick. If he really likes you he will be persistent but will do so in a non-aggressive manner.

 

You should tell him what's up with you. How you feel. Your reasons for being hesitant to move fast. If he disappears, then he was a player all along. If he keeps in contact in a non-flirty way, then he might just be a good guy.

 

As always: go with your gut!

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Players are impatient. They will lay the bs on thick. If he really likes you he will be persistent but will do so in a non-aggressive manner.

 

You should tell him what's up with you. How you feel. Your reasons for being hesitant to move fast. If he disappears, then he was a player all along. If he keeps in contact in a non-flirty way, then he might just be a good guy.

 

As always: go with your gut!

My last bf was also "patient" with me to be honest. :( Although I was a virgin and super inexperienced at the time, so I don't know if that had anything to do with it and his playing me.

 

I was also super honest with my ex-bf, which is why I'm super hesitant to do it again, cause he just used all my honesty against me and to manipulate me (he was narcissistic from what I've gathered since, so I kind of just gave him "ammunition" perse).

 

I might just be overly paranoid since I haven't really done anything to put me at "risk" since my last guy (like I mentioned, I've dated, but there's really been no "click" or true interest), but I just want to be reallyyy careful and know what to watch out for.

 

I know I sound overly dumb right now, but I'm just trying to get some perspective from you guys so I can keep on track and not derail. I've learned many things from my last encounter, and maybe I'm just paranoid because I haven't really put my lessons to the test, and I don't know if I'll do well when I finally do

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