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Thought it was too good to be true ... smoker


spiderowl

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I got chatting online with this really great guy. He sounds intelligent, kind, considerate, witty, and I like his picture too. We seem to have hit it off straight away. But. Yes, there had to be a but. He smokes - not a heavy smoker, but definitely a smoker. Is there much of a difference between heavy and not so heavy anyway? It still takes time away from everything else, is really bad for health and smells bad.

 

I doubt I've ever had an instant connection as good as this. Why did the guy have to smoke? There's no point taking it further. I'd want him to give up and I don't want to be the bad guy in all this forcing him to do something he doesn't want. I wouldn't want to be around while he went through that either, getting blamed for the bad days.

 

What would you do?

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I'd poison his cigarettes so every time he smokes he'll start vomiting and choking. Psychology 101.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

or I'd just buy him a pack of breath mints.

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Sounds like it's a deal breaker for you and a respectable one at that. If you can't deal with it then you have to cut your ties. I know what you mean about hitting it off and being disappointed. At my old job I was helping out this young woman (I found out she was 22 so she was too young for me IMO) and she was a sweetie pie and I was attracted to her but she had a rock on her. Well we made small talk for a bit and when I rang her out we chatted a little more and I made her laugh big time. Well when she left the first thought that popped into my head was "Why can't I meet a woman like that":sick:

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Tell him the truth. That you think he's awesome but smoking is just a big dealbreaker for you. Maybe you encourage him to quit. I had a guy quit smoking because of me in a situation like this. I said I can't date him if he smokes and he quit.

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funny how this is my opposite problem in a way...I met someone, he contacted me, I said thanks for writing me but I see a potential problem here...I smoke and you don't. He than said why is that a problem? I said most non-smokers don't like smokers and I really don't see how you would tolerate it, smell wise, I then asked have you ever kissed a smoker..he said yes he has and that he smoked many years ago and quit. He feels it wouldn't be a problem...hmmm I still wonder though...he still wants a date. I do know married couples that one smokes and the other doesn't so it is a matter of if you can tolerate it or not....just a thought...If you truly are disgusted by it then it is a problem for you and you shouldn't pursue him I think..

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I think it's important that you're upfront and tell him it's a deal breaker.

 

You could tell him about a book by Allen Carr called, " Easy Way to Stop Smoking."

 

I'm reading it now, as someone recomended it to me.

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I can't believe you would throw away the possibility of something good, just because some one smokes.

 

For me, this is the absolute FIRST deal breaker right out of the gate. As in, I would not even talk to, notice, and usually AVOID a smoker. Good or not, I will never know because the self abuse is not anything I want to get close to ever. There is no way one can not say it is self destructive.

 

All that said, I do not have a negative opinion of smokers, because they are allowed to do whatever they want, and I respect that. To each there own. But I will not be around it. My choice.

 

Internet fail: face to face, one would have known they smoked right away.

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Not if they didn't list it. I don't smoke, but a smoker can smoke else where not in your presence, hence it shouldn't bother you then. It's not in your face.

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Not if they didn't list it. I don't smoke, but a smoker can smoke else where not in your presence, hence it shouldn't bother you then. It's not in your face.

 

I have never known a 'proper' smoker (not a Saturday night smoker) NOT have slightly smelly breath, slightly smelly clothes, or be a PITA when you're travelling or out with friends because of their need to 'nip outside'. Deal breaker for me.

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I've dated 2 smokers in the last 2 years, if you like someone , certain things you will over look if they are that important to you. Unfortunately neither relationship lasted, but it had nothing to do with smoking. Both smoked out side. At times I said they could smoke in the same room as me. I made allowances.

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I've dated 2 smokers in the last 2 years, if you like someone , certain things you will over look if they are that important to you.

 

It's just a preference thing. No one is important enough to me, when I'm not in a relationship with them, to overlook smoking. And I wouldn't get in to a relationship with them, because they smoke. So it would never crop up for me.

 

My mum's smoking I have to overlook, she's important to me and I don't need to snog her! I just tend up stay away from her house since she took it up again.

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Smoking is the biggest deal breaker for me right now. It's a 'live and learn' type of thing as I married a smoker and watched him 'try to quit' for 20 years, hating every minute of it.

 

In your shoes, I would be honest and tell him that it's a dealbreaker for you, and you're sorry. If it is a dealbreaker anyway.

 

I see on people's profiles that they smoke 'occassionally' and I can't figure that one out. To me it seems like being 'kinda' pregnant. I guess if someone only smoked when they drank, and it wasn't that often, I might be o.k with it, not sure.

 

Good luck!

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I can't believe you would throw away the possibility of something good, just because some one smokes.

 

I can't bear the smell, taste, and I'm slightly asthmatic. If I'm in the company of smokers, I end up coughing all night. I know it harms me.

 

Also, a close relative of mine is currently in a bad way with COPD due to smoking for many years. He is on oxygen and every chest infection he gets could be his last one.

 

On a selfish note, smokers are rarely present with you. They are either out smoking, or twitching because they need a cigarette and can't focus on anything else. It's like they have another lover.

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I kissed one smoker exactly once, and I was done for life. :)

Plenty of non-smoking fish in the sea.

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Ugh. I hate people who can't get over the fact that other people smoke. You could have a great relationship with this guy, but you'd rather just drop him because he's a smoker? Seriously, get over it.

 

My current bf is smoker, and I don't care. I'm not, I never have and I never will. He chews gum after every cigarette, always keeps deodorant on him and never smokes right next to me. He's also learnt to wait for a smoke if we're in an environment where it's not okay to light one up (my car, his car if I'm in it with him, watching a movie at home etc). If someone is happy enough to make these changes for me, then I can get over the fact that he smokes. Just set some boundaries. Say, "please no kissing straight after a smoke, keep a small bottle of cologne near you and chew some gum?"

 

You will lose so much because of this - just get over it and be happy. :o

 

P.S. My current bf is the most incredible person I've ever met. I hate smokes, but I can deal with it in the name of happiness :)

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I would take that "but" over the bats-in-the-belfry ladies i've dated. :) In all honesty, smokers are NO GO with me. I think it's a disgusting habit (as it is) and reeks with unhealthiness (as it is) and I'm into keeping as healthy as possible.

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I got chatting online with this really great guy. He sounds intelligent, kind, considerate, witty, and I like his picture too. We seem to have hit it off straight away. But. Yes, there had to be a but. He smokes - not a heavy smoker, but definitely a smoker. Is there much of a difference between heavy and not so heavy anyway? It still takes time away from everything else, is really bad for health and smells bad.

 

I doubt I've ever had an instant connection as good as this. Why did the guy have to smoke? There's no point taking it further. I'd want him to give up and I don't want to be the bad guy in all this forcing him to do something he doesn't want. I wouldn't want to be around while he went through that either, getting blamed for the bad days.

 

What would you do?

 

Nothing good will come of you being so into a guy whom you haven't met in person or talked to live.

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Accept it or don't accept it. If he's otherwise a good guy, then you shouldn't complain. If he's a complete and utter monster who smokes, then you have some leverage to leave him.

 

I for one do not understand why it is that people insist on being so uptight abour it. It's socially acceptable to heckle and turn your nose up to someone if they are smokers, publically even. But if you have some other problem (alcoholism, drug addiction, obesity, etc.) it's something that we whisper about rather than confront others about. People sure do prove themselves to be hypocrites about it.

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It makes your clothes smell, it makes the person smell, it affects your lungs if you are sensitive to the smoke. The person is always taking time to go out to smoke and spends more time with other smokers than anyone else. It costs money. It is affecting their health. I'd rather not get involved with a smoker. I've seen the damage it causes and it doesn't just hurt the smoker, it hurts their families too.

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It makes your clothes smell, it makes the person smell, it affects your lungs if you are sensitive to the smoke. The person is always taking time to go out to smoke and spends more time with other smokers than anyone else. It costs money. It is affecting their health. I'd rather not get involved with a smoker. I've seen the damage it causes and it doesn't just hurt the smoker, it hurts their families too.

 

That's a very shallow view you have, but you've obviously made up your mind.

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Go on the date. It might suck. Either way, you are saved as it won't go further.

 

IF it turns out well, and both of you like eachother enough, then be upfront from the start. You can be clever and boost his ego telling him you really like him, but that the smoking is a dealbreaker.

 

Try and put a humourous light on it, but all the same being serious. Playful jokes solve a lot of things for me and get the message across without offending.

 

Maybe if your feeling risque, as hes about to light up, boldly take the cigarette from him and play a game. Ask what he'd trade it for. Maybe a kiss. Quids in.

 

If he likes you enough, his brain will click to either not doing it around you; or giving up completely.

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I've dated 2 smokers in the last 2 years, if you like someone , certain things you will over look if they are that important to you. Unfortunately neither relationship lasted, but it had nothing to do with smoking. Both smoked out side. At times I said they could smoke in the same room as me. I made allowances.

 

I'm a former smoker and for years others' smoking didn't bother me even after I stopped but now it does. I don't like the taste.

 

I think the big difference is that the OP and this guy haven't met yet if I read the OP correctly. She doesn't 'like' him yet, he is a stranger.

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