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Girl I've been seeing has commitment issues...


nohope

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So I've been seeing/dating this girl for just under 6 months. I've been in a couple of much longer LTRs before this one, and dated quite a few other girls and this girl by far was the most amazing, in terms of just how much compatibility there has been. We're on the same vibe and wavelength on a lot of things, there's so much fun and never a dull moment. Can talk for hours on end and hang out all day.

The thing is, this has been the most serious relationship she's ever been in. She's had a number of short term (max 5 month) relationships, and I've been (according to both her and her friends) the best thing that's happened to her so far. I've been the first to meet her parents, meet her family, meet all her friends, go on a vacation with her, be inside of her house, and many more things. I have been extremely good to her as well and have never gotten in a fight or anything.

But you see she is somewhat of a commitment phobe. As we have started to get more serious, about a month ago she expressed her fear of it getting too much into her space as she needs her alone time. I was very cool and calm about it, gave her that space and let her rethink things through, and a week or so later she came back to me saying she felt so much better about everything. Fast forward a few weeks later, things have been going great, up until I had a talk with her last night.

She told me that she can't help but feeling bound (Even though she knows that's ridiculous because I'm very non-needy and non-possessive). She feels at times that she's not doing enough for me in return for all the things I do for her, and even though I expressed to her that I don't NEED her to do things for me to make me happy and that I don't do nice gestures for her out of wanting reciprocation, she says that feeling still bothers her and she feels like she should be doing more, or being a better girlfriend, and it makes her feel crappy.

And hence, she thinks we should take a step back right now, as she feels like if it keeps up at this rate, either

A) she'll snap on me out of that feeling of being in her space or not having her alone time, or she'll do something else she'll regret or

B) it'll get to the point where I'M like "**** it, she's not putting any real effort into this, I should move on"

She feels like she wants to avoid that because she WANTS to make it work and feels like at this moment, she is not quite ready due to her own mental battle to do that. She says otherwise we could just continue things with that pace but that's also surely a demise of things in the long run.

she feels she's not quite ready for a serious long term relationship because thats what she wants out of this, she feels like she is not mature enough for it right now and needs to figure out how to be ready by fighting through this mental block. Essentially she feels she needs to work on herself

She says she still would love to talk to me all the time, and hang out, but to keep the space of the relationship away for now.

She even told me that I shouldn't feel like I should just wait for her to figure things out, because that would be unfair to me and she said then where would there be incentive for her to sort through these issues if I'm just waiting there regardless?

Overall she feels this is a sacrifice that'll be worth it in the short run if it will make it work in the long run.

 

So what I'm confused about as of right now is what I should be doing.

Should I be waiting?

Should I still be in touch with her regularly like we have been? I absolutely love just even talking to her as it is so fun and comforting and helps me deal with the stress of my extremely gruelling school program.

Should I completely back off, and go for the old "absence makes the heart grow fonder"?

 

I was even thinking of suggesting to her the idea of maybe talking to a counsellor or someone about the whole fear of a serious relationship.

 

What do you guys think? I know the obvious advice is "forget it, plenty more fish in the sea" but I've done my fair share of dating and really haven't come close to meeting someone with a personality like hers that complements mine so well.

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She feels at times that she's not doing enough for me in return for all the things I do for her, and even though I expressed to her that I don't NEED her to do things for me to make me happy and that I don't do nice gestures for her out of wanting reciprocation, she says that feeling still bothers her and she feels like she should be doing more, or being a better girlfriend, and it makes her feel crappy.
Sounds too familiar. Just broke up today with my bf who kept saying the same stuff. Stay clear from people who have commitment issues. Will only cause heartache.

 

By the way, I don't buy this whole commitment complex. It's just a flimsy excuse for being lazy and not putting an effort into a relationship, or not wanting the relationship strongly enough.

Edited by NoMoreJerks
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OP, I must add: in my case, it got progressively worse. At some point he even started getting bothered by things I never even said. Things that he assumed I wanted. Like, me wanting him to call me every day and talk for hours.

 

I don't think you should go for the "absence makes the heart grow fonder." No, it doesn't. Trust me. Long-distance relationship (constant business traveling) in my case, and he broke up with me during his time home (he works in the city I live in). Absence makes absence more desirable, in the case of people who don't care enough to commit.

 

Move on before it's too late and the heartache becomes unbearable.

Edited by NoMoreJerks
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Best to end it now. I hate to sound bitter, but there are people out there who are not capable of being with another and she sounds like one of them. Unfortunately it does not mean that she will never be with someone, she just doesn't want to be with you. Years ago I was with someone who kept flip flopping back and forth, and then after his antics trying to get me to break it off with him so he would not look like the bad guy HE broke it off. Via email I might add. About a year later he married another woman and they've now been married for 10 years. I was lucky, that worm can whine and disappoint her. Because she will disappoint you someday.

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Sounds like my scenario about my ex girlfriend who broke up with me 2 weeks ago because she doesn't like the idea of having obligation...

 

She likes to do her own stuff with no one telling her what to do or no one to worry about...

 

Walk away is my advice...

 

If someone wants to be with you, it doesn't matter what changes it will bring in their life, they will still want to be with you.

 

If someone DOES NOT want to be with you, they will come up with every excuse they can find/make.

 

Find someone else.

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so you guys all think I should give up? :(

Yeah. I'm afraid you're going to have to, if you want to avoid wasting your time and building castles in the air.

 

I couldn't have said it better than JayL did (above post). Some people don't like the idea of having obligations. So you will be sucked into a relationship that is not really a relationship, and suffer a lot and have constant problems, and trust me, no matter how hard you try to make it work, it will not work, and in the end you will realize that you were putting in all the effort and going to all extremes to keep her satisfied, if only so she wouldn't get annoyed by the mere "thought" that you're expecting something, anything, of her. Even something as little as "wasting" 5 minutes / month to give you a phone call, when she probably wastes 5 minutes every hour on total strangers.

 

JayL hit the nail on the head: "If someone wants to be with you, it doesn't matter what changes it will bring in their life, they will still want to be with you.

 

If someone DOES NOT want to be with you, they will come up with every excuse they can find/make."

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I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds heart-wrenching. :(

I keep thinking of advice I read in a few articles, which was directed at women who wanted a marriage proposal from their boyfriends. I’m wondering if it may workfor you in your case, being that this woman seems to run from commitment. What I gathered from the articles was this(all of them mirrored each other):

 

-Do not allow the sun to rise and set on this person. Keep doing the things in life that make you feel happy and fulfilled. (which is hard when your heart is a mess, but you can always try the “fake it until you make it” approach.) In other words, stay busy.

 

-Stay social. Evenwith other women. (this does not mean you should sleep with other women, though)

 

-Let her see that you’re just fine without her; you’re happy either way. (this may take some of the pressure off of her)

 

-See what happens, but DON’T wait around. You can drop her a line every now and again, but make sure to keep it casual and low pressure.

 

I don’t think you should throw in the towel, just yet. Give her space via the terms listed above, but stop investing so much. My hope is that she’ll see what she’s missing, and that she’ll come around in her own time.

Edited by venusianx13
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Give her space via the terms listed above, but stop investing so much. My hope is that she’ll see what she’s missing, and that she’ll come around in her own time.

Been there, done that, though in my case, it was with a guy... I don't think gender makes a big difference in this case. Someone who is not interested in committing is not interested in committing, as simple as that. Usually, people like that are also very manipulative, if they are interested in keeping you attached to them for some other reason (e.g sex).

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Been there, done that, though in my case, it was with a guy... I don't think gender makes a big difference in this case. Someone who is not interested in committing is not interested in committing, as simple as that. Usually, people like that are also very manipulative, if they are interested in keeping you attached to them for some other reason (e.g sex).

 

 

This may be true, but I genuinely believe that there may be some percentage of commitment-phobes who this works on. The reason I believe this is because I have heard a handful of stories from girlfriends who used similar strategies when they wanted a commitment from their now husbands. :) Some people may have deep-rooted issues that nothing will help outside of seeking counseling, some people may in fact be using their SO for something, and then, there may be those who just need a little nudge (via some sort of realization). I wouldn't want that someone hang in there and get dragged along forever, but I think it's worth a shot if, as the OP says, their chemistry is so strong and they get along so well.

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I wanted to thank you guys for all your input.

 

Venusianx13 - I think what you suggest is the best route for me to take. The reason is that ultimately I feel this is different than the usual case. And I know everyone says that about their own situation, but she has expressed to me time after time that she really wants it to work, that certain days she thinks about us being married etc. I am also really really good friends with her 2 best friends, and having spoken with them, I have also gotten that confirmation. They have expressed how this is the most serious she has been with anyone, and this is the most she has ever really felt for anyone by far. In her past experiences, when she got tired of someone, she immediately broke things off with them. But with me, it's like she knows this can potentially work long term.

 

Anyways, with that said, I'm going to concentrate on my own life and busy school schedule, work on just keeping myself happy and sane and just overall bettering/improving myself (for my OWN sake of course), and if things in this relationship come to fruition over time at a point where I'm still available and we can both proceed, then hooray. If not, then I know at least I left the door open for it and didn't exactly "Waste" my time which is not what I plan on doing (just sitting around and waiting for her to make up her mind).

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I wanted to thank you guys for all your input.

 

Venusianx13 - I think what you suggest is the best route for me to take. The reason is that ultimately I feel this is different than the usual case. And I know everyone says that about their own situation, but she has expressed to me time after time that she really wants it to work, that certain days she thinks about us being married etc. I am also really really good friends with her 2 best friends, and having spoken with them, I have also gotten that confirmation. They have expressed how this is the most serious she has been with anyone, and this is the most she has ever really felt for anyone by far. In her past experiences, when she got tired of someone, she immediately broke things off with them. But with me, it's like she knows this can potentially work long term.

 

Anyways, with that said, I'm going to concentrate on my own life and busy school schedule, work on just keeping myself happy and sane and just overall bettering/improving myself (for my OWN sake of course), and if things in this relationship come to fruition over time at a point where I'm still available and we can both proceed, then hooray. If not, then I know at least I left the door open for it and didn't exactly "Waste" my time which is not what I plan on doing (just sitting around and waiting for her to make up her mind).

Ok a little update on the situation. I've kept myself busy the last 3 or so days, haven't really spoken to her. She's made lots of attempts at contacting me. Several texts throughout the day to which I've responded politely but briefly. She called me each night too, and I kept the conversation pleasant, polite, and short (10 min max). So last night I went to a friend's house party, and telling myself to treat this like a breakup, I mingled as I would if I were single. I met this girl who grabbed my number, and today she texted me asking if I want to grab lunch sometime next week. Not long after that, my girl called and asked if I wanted to hang out this weekend at my house, watch a movie and whatnot. Clearly the space thing has been good. Here's where I need advice:

When we meet up, I plan on being honest with her and letting her know that I get that she needs space, and that I would like things to work out with us. But I realize that it takes two for that to happen. I wanna ask her with having a little bit of time to cool and back off (~2 weeks), if she's ready to resume things at a pace that's comfortable with her (cuz she knows I'm a very laid back guy about that stuff), or not. I wanna tell her that I got asked out on a date, and if she's not ready to give me a clear answer, that I have to unfortunately move on with my life and see where things go. I wanna tell her too that even though she wants to stay friends for the time being, unfortunately I have to respectfully reject that, as it usually just leads to confusion and jealousy issues on both our parts, especially since she knows I want more. I've let her know that I want to help her out with her issues and be there for her, but as a boyfriend and not just a friend. And I definitely can't just wait in limbo while she figures things out in her head. I wanna let her know that if she's willing to try things out, I can work at a comfortable pace for her space-wise as she works through these issues, because real couples don't run away from problems they work through them together.

 

Would this be getting too much in her space do you think, giving her this almost sort of ultimatum? I think it's okay because I'm being honest with her, I haven't really done anything behind her back yet, I'm just letting her know that I want to be with her, but if she's not ready or mature enough or whatever, I unfortunately have to move on, get on with my life and whatever challenges/surprises/girls come my way. I'm also giving her the option of being with me through it all and working it all out.

Would you guys do things differently? Is it too soon after she asked for space to bring this up?

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I hate to be raining on your parade, but 2 weeks of space isn't enough for someone to sort out commitment-phobic issues. I've been down your path before (took her 1+ year to figure out she didn't want to be tied down to a serious relationship, has never been in a long-term relationship before me, felt pressured about me treating her like a princess, etc) and trust me when I say this WILL NOT END well. If a girl truly loves you, she'll WANT to spend time with you and not give such selfish reasons not to. Besides, shouldn't love be SELFLESS? Furthermore, it's only been 6 months of dating, so if she's already feeling this now in the honeymoon stage, imagine what it would be like IF you reached the point in your relationship where things get comfortable and she actually had to put in time, commitment, and work for the relationship. Like my ex, she'll just bail when things get too tough and she realizes that she's not capable of giving her all. Like you, I hoped for the best, but I ignored all the warning signs. If she's only had a handful of short-term relationships, what makes you think that you're any different? Sure, you may be an amazing guy to her, but history has a tendency to repeat itself. Besides, the vast majority of girls in their early to mid 20's aren't looking for a long-term committed relationship that will potentially end in marriage. Even if they say they do, they're NOT prepared for the amount of work and effort necessary to maintain one. All they're enamored with is the companionship and the simple idea of being in a relationship. Accept a small heartache now and save yourself from a huge one in the future. What I would do is drop her completely, let her mature (this will take more than just days, weeks, or months), and IF she wants you back, look for signs that she's matured enough to want the kind of relationship that you're looking for. In the meantime, date other women and hopefully find one who will want to be with you without making ANY excuses.

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  • 1 month later...

I think I might be dating your girlffriend...

 

Seriously though, I'm going through the same thing. I've been dating this women for over 7 months and she still won't commit fully to me. We both are in our early 30's and she has a kid. The kid loves me and we both get along great. But she has all kinds of personal issues in her life and that has been an ongoing distraction. I'm trying to be understanding but at some point I have to wonder is this going anywhere?

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