verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 How do you deal with the idea that you are dating someone out of your league, or alternatively, that you are dragging someone down? I'm currently seeing a guy that has a very bright future ahead of him. He is currently applying to Masters and PhD programs in counseling. It's almost a guaranteed that he will need to move; so in order to stay together, I'd need to go with him. The thing is, I really don't really have a lot of good career skills. I was a History major with a low GPA (3.0 on graduating.) So I have no hope of getting into grad school myself, and I don't have a lot of marketable skills. I was lucky I got the job I currently have. If I move, it's pretty much a given I'll be in a low-paying job, like fast food or retail, especially given the state of the economy. The guy I'm dating is also very adventurous... he wants to live in exotic places and locations, and doesn't want to really settle in one location for long. I am more of a homebody.... I've lived in my current city for about 2 years, and have started setting down roots. I also don't like the logistics of living a plane ride away from my family and old friends. All together, I feel like he is far outside my league, in terms of intelligence (grad school), career prospects, and certain traits (adventurousness.) He tells me that he loves me and am happy with me.... but I feel like he's selling himself majorly short, and will dump me as soon as a hot, adventurous, successful girl comes along. What do you guys think? How do you handle your partner being outside your league in terms of the future? Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I think there is a big difference between personality traits -- adventurer vs homebody, for instance -- and leagues. I don't buy into the idea of leagues, actually, as this is far too simplistic, imo. In any case, I would assume that since he "tells me that he loves me and am happy with me" he means it. p.s. I also think that, if you want to go to grad school, you can certainly do so. I teach at the graduate level and it's not unusual to encounter students who had 3.0 gpa's (or less) undergrad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 Would it be weird if i told you that academic achievement is not always tied to intelligence ? It's more a matter of perseverence, emotional intelligence, and willingness to be a cu*t and stick a knife in the back at the proper time. The rest are pretty bad tbh, by that i mean his travelling. What kind of job do you have ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 How do you deal with the idea that you are dating someone out of your league, or alternatively, that you are dragging someone down? If she fancies me and I fancy her and we're dating then we're in the same league. There are no leagues. There are people who want to date you, and people who don't. There are people you want to date, and people who don't. The trick is to find someone from the set union where fun happens. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
jobaba Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 1) congrats on finding someone 2) you can get into grad school with under a 3.0, very easily 3) a masters and or a doctorate in counseling is not what i would consider out of your league. Hell struggle with career prospects definitely. If he were an anesthesiologist, then id start to think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 I think there is a big difference between personality traits -- adventurer vs homebody, for instance -- and leagues. I don't buy into the idea of leagues, actually, as this is far too simplistic, imo. In any case, I would assume that since he "tells me that he loves me and am happy with me" he means it. p.s. I also think that, if you want to go to grad school, you can certainly do so. I teach at the graduate level and it's not unusual to encounter students who had 3.0 gpa's (or less) undergrad. I've applied to dozens of universities and been turned down for all of them. The minimum undergraduate GPA is a 3.6 in most of the programs, and many of the successful candidates have internships on their resumes as well. I'm not sure where you teach, but... well, doesn't seem realistic in my field (history, anthropology.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 If she fancies me and I fancy her and we're dating then we're in the same league. There are no leagues. There are people who want to date you, and people who don't. There are people you want to date, and people who don't. The trick is to find someone from the set union where fun happens. Except what about in situations where one person is clearly more successful than the other? For example, when he's a counselor making $60k a year and I'm slinging burgers? I sometimes think he's dating me because he's kind of desperate... he's living with his parents and still in college (taking psych courses, keeping costs low) and in a smaller town. So maybe he just doesn't have any better prospects... until he gets into grad school and is surrounded by smart, attractive women. Link to post Share on other sites
Gracie22 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 All together, I feel like he is far outside my league, in terms of intelligence (grad school), career prospects, and certain traits (adventurousness.) He tells me that he loves me and am happy with me.... but I feel like he's selling himself majorly short, and will dump me as soon as a hot, adventurous, successful girl comes along. What do you guys think? How do you handle your partner being outside your league in terms of the future? Sometimes people want to be the more adventurous, more "successful" (career-wise) in a pair. Maybe he likes that you are not like him in these ways? Furthermore, in what ways are you out of his leage (just using your terminology...not personally agreeing w/ league idea). Are you funnier than him? More socially-ept, more outwardly attractive, do you love harder, have passion? The point I'm trying to make is that this awesome guy loves you...so I'm guessing there must be awesome things about you, too! I say go for it! Don't worry about him being different in these ways. If you were both the same, you might get bored or be competitive. It sounds like he wants you to go on the adventure with him. You never know...maybe you will even each other out a bit? Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 Sometimes people want to be the more adventurous, more "successful" (career-wise) in a pair. Maybe he likes that you are not like him in these ways? Furthermore, in what ways are you out of his leage (just using your terminology...not personally agreeing w/ league idea). Are you funnier than him? More socially-ept, more outwardly attractive, do you love harder, have passion? The point I'm trying to make is that this awesome guy loves you...so I'm guessing there must be awesome things about you, too! I say go for it! Don't worry about him being different in these ways. If you were both the same, you might get bored or be competitive. It sounds like he wants you to go on the adventure with him. You never know...maybe you will even each other out a bit? That's the thing, there is nothing I am better at than him. I do really believe he's just desperate... that he's in a small town with not a lot of people his own age. But what if I move with him, and then he meets his equal at grad school? Then I am stuck in a place I didn't choose, with a ****ty job and no relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I've applied to dozens of universities and been turned down for all of them. The minimum undergraduate GPA is a 3.6 in most of the programs, and many of the successful candidates have internships on their resumes as well. I'm not sure where you teach, but... well, doesn't seem realistic in my field (history, anthropology.) So go to a school with open enrollment. There are tons of them out there. I also found a few sites where people are talking about the man traditional schools that accept students with <3.0gpa. Here's one: The sub-3.0 GPAs ACCEPTANCE thread - The Lobby - The GradCafe Forums What are you going to do with a master's in history, though? Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 So go to a school with open enrollment. There are tons of them out there. I also found a few sites where people are talking about the man traditional schools that accept students with <3.0gpa. Here's one: The sub-3.0 GPAs ACCEPTANCE thread - The Lobby - The GradCafe Forums What are you going to do with a master's in history, though? ... Well that's why the GPA requirements are so high. Because there are so many applicants for so few jobs. You can work for the government, or become a college professor. I notice, for example in that thread, a lot of the people getting into grad programs with low GPAs are in the sciences... Comp Sci and Chemistry, for example. A lot of people mentioned research and work experience, aka, unpaid internships. For people in the social sciences, that just isn't possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I'm currently seeing a guy that has a very bright future ahead of him. He is currently applying to Masters and PhD programs in counseling. The thing is, I really don't really have a lot of good career skills. I was a History major The guy I'm dating is also very adventurous... he wants to live in exotic places and locations, and doesn't want to really settle in one location for long. I am more of a homebody... I wouldnt define your situation as out of your league.... The masters degree doesnt say much....some fields such as education, social work, some nursing, psychology/sociology, and science fields require at least a masters to get anywhere. The reason for masters/doctorates is more driven by career and what field you want to go into rather than some sign of intelligence. The by far bigger issue is how you two converse....how much is he talking about that seems above you in understanding? With your job you can become a teacher. That exotic living stuff isnt going to work in his field. Its hard to move around where you need a license to work. For example lawyeers need to take their states bar exam even if they are qualified in other states. Counseling isnt a field that lend you to exotic places. There are fields that do such as pure science related jobs that are research oreiented or you work in engineering fields in say areas of oil and gas exploration. No matter his field...the fact he doesnt want to stay ettled in one are while you do will say ALOT on your future happiness. It appears you dont want to be far from your family while it doesnt matter to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) History can be applied to pretty much everything, not sure at the master level. Over here, you can go and get a Masters is a field different from your college certification, is that possible in the West ? For instance, i was in engineering, but i'm more interested in economy and sociology. vehrzen, one way to combat your insecurity would be to try and picture your life when he 'gone' from your life. It's a bit stressfull but it works, i usually do something like this when i get crushes, or i get panicked, or well ... i have some issues too. Edited September 4, 2012 by Radu Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I've applied to dozens of universities and been turned down for all of them. The minimum undergraduate GPA is a 3.6 in most of the programs, and many of the successful candidates have internships on their resumes as well. I'm not sure where you teach, but... well, doesn't seem realistic in my field (history, anthropology.) It depends on what field you want to go into. Some programs at major universities are going to be highly competitive. A field like education isnt. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 This again ties into my theory about the power dynamic that exists in the people's minds. It's been touched on a few times in recent threads - about not wanting a partner that is "better" than them because they may end up wanting something more, and as a result, their deprecation manifests itself in the cycle of the relationship and even an unconscious resentment existing between the two until it bubbles up to the surface. And it's always a system frier to encounter people who don't adhere to such a dynamic of inferiority, and they even seek ways to make sure it manifests - albeit unconsciously. V, I think this is a point where you kind of have to put your brain into autopilot and just see where it goes. If you marinade on this guy's "league" or how much better you think he is than you, or even worse, how "desperate" he is how much you think you suck in comparison to some other grad he might meet, you could potentially cause yourself problems. He is with you. Accept that and enjoy it. From now. I promise you, it will be far easier and far happier in the long run, even if it does not last forever. Because you will know that you are an attractive enough person and a good person who is able to attract love in her life from a deserving partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 History can be applied to pretty much everything, not sure at the master level. Over here, you can go and get a Masters is a field different from your college certification, is that possible in the West ? For instance, i was in engineering, but i'm more interested in economy and sociology. vehrzen, one way to combat your insecurity would be to try and picture your life when he 'gone' from your life. It's a bit stressfull but it works, i usually do something like this when i get crushes, or i get panicked, or well ... i have some issues too. You need to have some fundamental background for fields to go into a masters level class. You cant be an english major with a BA n it and decide you want to go for a masters in microbiology. Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 It depends on what field you want to go into. Some programs at major universities are going to be highly competitive. A field like education isnt. It is here. My undergraduate school was well known for its School fo Ed, and the application process was grueling... had to have a 3.8 GPA, extensive work with children, impressive portfolio. Plus the whole issue that there aren't jobs for teachers anywhere. Most of the people I graduated with are working retail jobs and then doing substitute teaching to make ends meet. Radu, it sometimes works in the West, but only when you're going from certain subject fields. For example, a History PhD program will take an engineering undergraduate. But an engineering PhD program would be insane to take a history undergraduate, unless the student had lots and lots of work experience to compensate. Link to post Share on other sites
tori0001 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I'm in the same boat. I recently starting dating this man who is so far out of my league, it's not even funny. I mean he makes a lot of money, very smart, very charming, and well traveled. I can't measure up in anything. He says he likes me for who I am. He always calls and texts. There's never a day that goes by that I don't hear from him. I never intiate anything with him, beacuse I don't want to become too attached. for fear that there is a cruel joke in there some place. He'll turn around and find a more successful beautiful woman. What do I have to offer him, nothing. Just a small little house cleaning business. Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 This again ties into my theory about the power dynamic that exists in the people's minds. It's been touched on a few times in recent threads - about not wanting a partner that is "better" than them because they may end up wanting something more, and as a result, their deprecation manifests itself in the cycle of the relationship and even an unconscious resentment existing between the two until it bubbles up to the surface. And it's always a system frier to encounter people who don't adhere to such a dynamic of inferiority, and they even seek ways to make sure it manifests - albeit unconsciously. V, I think this is a point where you kind of have to put your brain into autopilot and just see where it goes. If you marinade on this guy's "league" or how much better you think he is than you, or even worse, how "desperate" he is how much you think you suck in comparison to some other grad he might meet, you could potentially cause yourself problems. He is with you. Accept that and enjoy it. From now. I promise you, it will be far easier and far happier in the long run, even if it does not last forever. Because you will know that you are an attractive enough person and a good person who is able to attract love in her life from a deserving partner. ... Unless I'm attracting them just because they're desperate, and then they dump me for someone better. Which is what has happened all the other times. Which I can survive, obviously. But if I move for him, and that happens, I am screwed. I could never get the same income in another job I am getting now. Hell, I probably couldn't even work in the same industry. So if I move, I am sacrificing all chances of financial stability. That wouldn't be bad if I knew the relationship would work, but if he's just gonna dump me when he finally has access to better options, then I'd be screwing my life over for nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 Leagues are tough to break down because looks are not objective. There are some guys that females fawn over and I say "yeah I can see that" and then there's some where I'm like "really?? HIM?" Same with my friends and females. Sometimes they'll point out girls they think are smoking hot and I wouldn't date her if I was paid to. What works is chemistry. This is underestimated a lot in sports. Teams think all you need is a handful of superstars and boom, championship. That formula doesn't always work. Sometimes you need the little guys, the role players, that help form a strong bond where everyone plays a part and it's not a bunch of egos competing to be the top dog. He's dating you because you guys mesh. You click. Whether he's more established in terms of career or you have the edge over him in physical attractiveness, it doesn't matter. It's working for you guys. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 You have a degree and experience working in IT. I'm not sure why you assume you'd be stuck "slinging burgers" though not surprised you immediately jumped to that conclusion. You could get a teaching certificate You can get another job doing the It type stuff What do you think others who have your degree/job experience do? You could entry level in a whole new field I'm surprised you are so concerned about moving away, I thought you didn't have any friends anyway so why would you be concerned about leaving them? Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 ... Unless I'm attracting them just because they're desperate, and then they dump me for someone better. Which is what has happened all the other times. Which I can survive, obviously. But if I move for him, and that happens, I am screwed. I could never get the same income in another job I am getting now. Hell, I probably couldn't even work in the same industry. So if I move, I am sacrificing all chances of financial stability. That wouldn't be bad if I knew the relationship would work, but if he's just gonna dump me when he finally has access to better options, then I'd be screwing my life over for nothing. Yeah, but honestly you don't actually know any of that might or might not happen, and you won't know unless you take the risk. And it's yours to take if you want to. Things might just be different Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 Leagues are tough to break down because looks are not objective. There are some guys that females fawn over and I say "yeah I can see that" and then there's some where I'm like "really?? HIM?" Same with my friends and females. Sometimes they'll point out girls they think are smoking hot and I wouldn't date her if I was paid to. What works is chemistry. This is underestimated a lot in sports. Teams think all you need is a handful of superstars and boom, championship. That formula doesn't always work. Sometimes you need the little guys, the role players, that help form a strong bond where everyone plays a part and it's not a bunch of egos competing to be the top dog. He's dating you because you guys mesh. You click. Whether he's more established in terms of career or you have the edge over him in physical attractiveness, it doesn't matter. It's working for you guys. But... it's NOT working for us because he might just be desperate, and I might be putting my future on the line for a guy to whom I am inferior in every way. So... how exactly does that work, when people are on such different levels? Link to post Share on other sites
Jane2011 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I'm pretty sure you can get into grad school with a 3.0. That's usually right where they set a cut off. Also, I agree that you shouldn't have the prophecy that just because he has a higher academic degree than you that it's inevitable he'll want someone different ("better") later. The living at home thing doesn't matter either. People are in relationships all the time with people who have higher degrees than they have, etc., etc. If you're about as smart/intelligent as he is, you're probably a decent match. So glad to hear you're dating someone! Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 As far as dating out of ones league...yeah I can see how there are "leagues" for lack of a better term and well, I stick to mine I guess. eta: I think the range of what is "in ones league" is more vast than you do though, V. Link to post Share on other sites
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