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HELP ADVICE PLEASE. Boyfriend not being supportive.


FreeMe

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I don't know what to do or think.

 

I had a relapse in my depression this weekend. The meds don't seem to be working right. I've already started new ones. Meanwhile, I asked my boyfriend if he could make a little effort to be affectionate - a hug once in awhile - that it really makes me feel better.

 

Well, not only did he not do it, but all the normal affection pretty much stopped.

 

When I talked to him about it he said he doesn't know how to do what I'm asking. And I said, you don't know how to give me a hug? or a kiss when you're walking by me? his answer was he doesn't know how to do what I'm asking and that he doesn't think about it. He's affectionate when we're both affectionate so if I look miserable he won't think of being affectionate. He said it's not like he's ignoring me. But I feel like I'm being punished for feeling down.

 

What do I do about this? Am I doing something wrong or is he? I feel let down and betrayed.

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It can be very hard for someone to be affectionate on demand; it then feels fake. Don't rest your ability to get better on whether or not he gives you what you want when you want it because that usually backfires.

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befuddled11

A lot of men (and likely women, too..but I think it's more predominant among men) don't like being guilted into doing something, or being told to do something. You've admitted that he's affectionate when you're BOTH affectionate..so it's obvious he's capable of it......but perhaps he's put off by you're asking him? Or maybe he feels uncomfortable because you seem sort of emotionally needy now and he is more attracted to your past strength?

 

I think a lot of it could be just simple human nature. We often subconsciously get our backs up when someone points out that we're not there for them...it maybe makes them feel guilty, ashamed, uncomfortable, awkward.....so it might propell them to even be less likely to do that which they've been accused of NOT doing.....because they feel bossed around or ashamed.

 

How long have you been together?

 

Has much of your relationship involved you being depressed?

 

In addition to your medications, are you going for counselling or therapy to deal with your depression?

 

It could also be, too, that he's not sure how to relate to you when you're depressed......that he feels awkward and somehow inadequate when it comes to giving you what you need. There's lots of possible scenarios.

 

And to be frank, some men and women grow tired of being with someone who lapses in and out of depression. It can be a hard thing to deal with, on an ongoing basis.

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Your boyfriend sounds like a massive tool.

 

He can't even give you a hug when you're feeling bad? How cold. Heck, I've had people I've barely known a week give me hugs when I was feeling down.

 

Your boyfriend is some kind of special. A special a**hole.

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Thank you for your comments. I agree to a point, but my gut is not agreeing. My gut is telling me he's never going to be there for me emotionally.

 

I honestly did not put guilt on him at all. I told him and he knows, that it's not him. I asked him nicely if he could give me a hug once in awhile.

 

This has only happened one time before and it was only for a couple of days, it wasn't bad and he was very concerned and caring. That was in the first 6 months we were together. Other than that I haven't had depression in a few years. We've been together a little over a year now.

 

I've been in counseling in the past but this is basically chemical and I will probably be on meds for life.

 

I've never had anyone to lean on when it came to my depression and I thought finally I have someone who loves me who makes me feel better. I don't see why he would have to shut down just because I ask for a hug. That's ridiculous. What if I have a death in the family - is he going to emotionally abandon me then? This worries me. Part of a committed relationship is being there for each other in good and bad times. Basically, I feel like he's telling me I can only expect affection if when I'm happy and in a great mood, but if I am down to forget it (yet he still expects sex.)

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"Basically, I feel like he's telling me I can only expect affection if when I'm happy and in a great mood, but if I am down to forget it (yet he still expects sex.)"

 

I'd say this was a big honking red flag.

 

You say you've been in this relationship a year? That explains it. The bloom starts to come off the rose around this time. Usually in relationships, you start to see real behavior (as opposed to best behavior) after the first few months.

 

This is an important issue to you and that alone should make it an important issue to him. If he's not willing to work on this with you, then I guess you have your answer.

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Yes, that's what I'm seeing - a red flag. He used to say he was pretty cold but not with me. Now it looks like he doesn't have much compassion for me. What will he be like in another year? I'm worried and don't know what to do.

 

I'd like to believe that it won't be that way. That I just need to take a different approach with him. Like instead of making a general statement like "I need some affection", tell him I want to take a bath together and get closeness that way. It sounds reasonable, I'm just afraid that he's going to get more and more distant and that in a year even that won't work.

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Like instead of making a general statement like "I need some affection", tell him I want to take a bath together and get closeness that way

 

Really good idea!

 

According to Mr. Mars and Venus, many men feel incompetent when their SOs are distressed. They don't know what to do (and being told 'hug me' doesn't solve that). So they avoid the distressed woman.

 

Go with this idea of yours instead. It should get better results.

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Thank you Moimeme! I'm glad to get agreement on that. I will do that and I know he won't pass it up.

 

It's just, I still have this nagging fear about the whole thing. He's been pretty unsympathetic other times in other things and never ever apologizes. I feel a little like I have to be manipulative to get what I want and I hate that so much.

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Originally posted by FreeMe

 

It's just, I still have this nagging fear about the whole thing. He's been pretty unsympathetic other times in other things and never ever apologizes. I feel a little like I have to be manipulative to get what I want and I hate that so much.

 

freeme please stop being manipulative to get what you want, you hate it, dont do it.

you shouldn't have to resort to that to get your needs fullfilled.

listen to that nagging feeling, it IS telling you something.

 

Its terrible you are not getting emotional needs met.

 

if I changed your post around, and made it a guy writing,and replaced 'emotional' needs with 'sexual', and said he was not getting his sexual needs met, by his gf.

i bet the posts would be radically different.

 

you do not sound overly needy, or emotional by any standard.

what you desire is a basic normal need for simple affection.

 

your situation has an unusual twist, you are telling him what you need.

most men i've talked to say,"my gf expects me to be a mind reader, I wish she would just tell me what she wants."

 

so here we have it, you are asking for something basic like a hug and he withholds it from you.

i dont like it. of course i would think that because my ex didn't like to be touched unless we were intimate, i was emotionally/physically starved.

 

i would question his emotional availability. would he treat his children this way if they had a bad day?

Does he have any compassion or empathy in any other situation?

if yes, than he is just not giving it to you.

if no, than you have to decide whether or not you can see youself and potential children settling for this life.

 

also, he basically told you that he was cold in his behavior. but less so with you.

either way, keep in mind you can't make him change, he will have to decide to change for himself. and it doesnt seem he feels he has a problem.

 

take care of yourself, im so sorry you had a relapse of depression this weekend.

besides the chemical imbalance, which i also suffer from. counseling can help you avoid some relapses in the future, by identifing triggers and pitfalls and help you have a plan in place to deal with situations when they arise.

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