Ladies dating much younger men

[SassyBoots]

Good Morning Everyone. Glad to be here.

 

I would welcome all advice and opinions or insights into this one. Mainly I am looking for responses from women who are currently dating men with a significant age gap to see how closely my experiences are with theirs and if this is something to continue to expect throughout this relationship, or if its completely abnormal and I should just get out.

 

I am dating a man who is 35 years old. I myself am 47. (hold the applause please, lmao.) Without sounding full of myself, I know I don't look my age....closer to 39, maybe forty than 47. That aside......

 

I met this person five years ago. I have caught him at some unsavory practices and walked on more than one occasion, but we have always reconciled. The unsavory practices included connecting or contacting other women when he was supposed to be with me exclusively, and a couple of years ago I laid it out and said "them or me. decide what you want". He said he wanted to be with me, so we carried on. I have a terrible time relaxing and trying to trust him again.....it seems I want to examine every thing he is up to when I am not around, because I can't get it out of my head that he is up to the same old games. I haven't caught him at it yet....but that doesn't mean he's not doing it.....to me it just means that he is being more careful AT it. He is also bitter and jealous when I talk about the guy friends that I have, and seems to think there is more going on than there is. Completely untrue because I don't roll that way.

 

I have told him on a number of occasions that I don't appreciate the way he talks to me at times....he seems very young and arrogant....last night was a good example. I was at his place(he lives with his mother and now his aunt as well.....)and we were having a conversation about a fishing trip we had been on. I made a comment about having found a lake nearby that has a particular kind of fish I'd like to see about catching and he replied by saying "those fish are everywhere, dumbass" in front of everyone. His mother, aunt, sister, her boyfriend, and my fifteen year old were present. I told him not to call me dumbass, and his response was "its like an endearment". I hate his attitude that no one knows as much as he does and that the rest of us(mostly women)are just idiots.

 

He also spends far too much of his time drinking. Its not very often that I get to see him at least not half in the bag.....and he is a complete ass when he has been drinking, so I don't like being around him. I don't like being around drunk people in general though.....that ship sailed for me a long time ago. I've let him know how I feel about it, and he doesnt see it as a problem. He states its how he "copes with his stress". I've told him its a lame excuse because when the buzz wears off, the stress is still gonna be there. He doesn't seem to want to listen.

 

This of course, affects our intimacy and sex life. I don't know when the last time is I had an actual orgasm with him. He is completely dominating in bed, and doesn't seem to listen when I don't want to do something anymore.....its all about HIM. And its usually because he's drunk.

 

I could go on, but its just more of the same. What I want to know is if this overall selfish attitude is typical of a thirty something? I don't remember being like this when I was that age, but I see it over and over here and I'm pretty tired of it. Do other women dating younger men have the same underlying issues or is it just a personal thing with this guy.....and when your guy is acting like an immature teenager, how do you cope with it??

 

I used to love him to distraction, but the more that goes on the less I care if I'm here or not. I care about him, but its not with the passion I used to have.

 

If its fixable, I'd like to fix it, but not at the cost of continuing to deal with his issues......or is it me that has the issues??????

 

Am I being too serious???

 

HELP?!

[CarrieT]

You sound exactly like me in my past relationship: I was 45 to his 33 and he drank A LOT. In fact, it was the destruction of that relationship for me that brought me to this site.

 

It took a while but I realized I had to end the relationship - partly because of the age and much because of the drinking and philandering. Ultimately, I believe you know it isn't going to work out between you two; you are getting sexually satisfied and you stated you don't like to be around him a lot. Those red flags right there might be your death knoll.

 

And, as for the drinking, HE has to acknowledge and want to change - you can't do that for him.

[SassyBoots]

So you found you had alot of the same issues? He likes to tell me how mature he is compared to other people his age, that he is more on my level, but I just don't see it. He's got me to the point that I doubt myself and what kind of a person I am rather than thinking there is something wrong with his approach to the relationship......makes me think I'm always wrong and it should be his way.

[Lizzie60]

Holy Molly... leave this arrogant SoB.. the sooner the better..

 

Come on.. don't ever let any man treat you like this.. especially if he's younger... who does he think he is anyway.

 

Come on.. be strong.. be a real woman.. not a doormat.

 

I've been with much much younger men since my first separation. My last ex was 12 years younger. He was a real sweet gentleman.. treated me like I was a queen.

 

After him... I dated many many younger guys.. even up to 31 years younger... and I've never and never will allowed anyone to treat me like I was stupid...

 

This question should never even be asked... you know the answer.. get rid of this arrogant smart axx.

[KatZee]

This is not an age question, this is a "jerk" question. Is he a jerk? Absolutely!

 

Why are you even in this relationship? You don't have orgasms, he's an as*h0le to you in front of your family, he's been caught cheating MULTIPLE times...

 

I don't think it's anything to be proud of that you LOOK like a 39 year old and have "scored" this young buck of 35. He's an as$. Plain and simple.

[SassyBoots]

Yeah. I'm not gonna go all hearts and flowers and pretend I love him so much I can't leave him. He's been told enough times I'm tired of his behaviour and he just won't get it. I guess its not so much that I need to hear "leave him", its more that I am just kind of puzzled by his behaviour. It doesn't even have the power to hurt me anymore, I just kind of look at it as "why the HELL don't you get it already??????"......why don't you see what kind of an ass you look like? And more importantly, why do you assume I'm going to continue to stick around and wait for more of the same....?And why is it perfectly acceptable to you to act this way?

 

I really think HE thinks there are no other options for me BUT him. LOL. WRONG.

 

I wanted to know how many other women found themselves in the same situation with a younger partner, for some silly reason.

 

I just love the fun and energy that I found with a slightly younger person. I'm usually really upbeat, fun, witty, respectful, have my shyte mostly together, and really try to be a good person. I think I am.

 

Ugh.

 

Anyone know any fun, intelligent, energetic, attractive single men in their forties in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada?????

 

 

Tee hee hee!!!!!

[KatZee]

He's been told enough times I'm tired of his behaviour and he just won't get it.

 

"why the HELL don't you get it already??????"......why don't you see what kind of an ass you look like?

 

Because guys do not respond to words. They respond to action. Sure you're going off in his ear about "Why don't you get it! Wahhh!!" Do you know what he hears?

 

Woompp woomppp woompppp <--- very similar to the Charlie Brown voice on that speaker.

 

More importantly... he doesn't "need" to get anything. He acts the way he does... and you're there. You're always there. You keep coming back for more despite it all.

 

And more importantly,why do you assume I'm going to continue to stick around and wait for more of the same....?And why is it perfectly acceptable to you to act this way?

 

 

Because you do. He doesn't assume anything. He's going on YOUR behavior. It's been FIVE YEARS. Five years of him cheating. Him being caught. Him being a drunk. Him being an as$. And... you just always "happen" to reconcile. This is all on you, in my opinion. You get the respect you think you deserve (which really isn't much since you keep going back to this.)

[SassyBoots]

ouch. are you having a bad day? gawd......i should hook you up with him....you're almost as much of a jerk as he is.

 

lmao

[KatZee]

ouch. are you having a bad day? gawd......i should hook you up with him....you're almost as much of a jerk as he is.

 

lmao

 

Nope, no bad day. I just call it like I see it. You say how you've been going back to this for 5 years, and then act surprised that he behaves this way. I don't get what the confusion is. He's a jerk. I'm just blunt. Sorry if it came off offensive, but sometimes it's good to hear what you really don't want to see.

[FitChick]

I think this has less to do with age than maturity. There are men his age and younger who are more mature. There are older men who still act the same as he does. He sounds like someone you shouldn't waste your time with regardless.

[thatone]

ouch. are you having a bad day? gawd......i should hook you up with him....you're almost as much of a jerk as he is.

 

lmao

 

katzee is right. what are you looking for, the truth or sympathy?

[SassyBoots]

Well, the things I don't think I'm giving the impression that I'm "surprised" by it at all. Or looking for an excuse to stay.

 

Resigned and tired of it, yes.

Prepared to keep dealing with it, no.

 

Perhaps looking at some other way of getting my point across to him besides ignoring him and refusing to be around him when he's acting like a two year old? Maybe. Should I have to make that effort? No. I shouldn't. He's a big boy and should know how to properly treat people.

 

Yeah, i GET the only way to give him the wake up call is to disappear. I really do get it.

 

If i was harsh i also apologize, you surprised me with your choice of words.

 

I wish the good outweighed the bad with this guy.

 

I know what I have to do.

 

Cheers.

[thatone]

everyone wishes that about an ex or two (or eight or twenty, lol).

 

but if it just isn't the case it just isn't the case.

 

a better thing to consider is how you wasted 5 years on this guy and how not to repeat that mistake again.

[pteromom]

Here are the things you said about him.

 

 

• I have caught him at some unsavory practices and walked on more than one occasion
  

• The unsavory practices included connecting or contacting other women when he was supposed to be with me exclusively
  
• I can't get it out of my head that he is up to the same old games. I haven't caught him at it yet....but that doesn't mean he's not doing it.
  
• He is also bitter and jealous when I talk about the guy friends that I have, and seems to think there is more going on than there is.
  
• he seems very young and arrogant...
  
• he replied by saying "those fish are everywhere, dumbass" in front of everyone.
  
• I hate his attitude that no one knows as much as he does and that the rest of us(mostly women)are just idiots.
  
• He also spends far too much of his time drinking
  
• and he is a complete ass when he has been drinking, so I don't like being around him.
  
• I've let him know how I feel about it, and he doesnt see it as a problem.
  
• I don't know when the last time is I had an actual orgasm with him.
  
• He is completely dominating in bed, and doesn't seem to listen when I don't want to do something anymore.....its all about HIM.

 

Age has nothing to do with it - he's disrespectful, selfish, and unwilling to listen to you or take your feelings and needs into account at all. Sounds like a jerk to me, whether he's 20, 30, 40, 50, 60...

 

I would move on. Find someone who is respectful, can stay sober, cares whether you have orgasms, and wants you to be happy.

[SassyBoots]

Yep, i know. You guys are right. And no, im not looking for sympathy(I don't think). Maybe a little. Sorry.

 

Like i said....I know what has to happen here. I just don't like it. Guess I kept hoping he'd actually want to be with me enough to try to see what he was doing wrong and give a crap.

[kaylan]

I dont think age is the issue here. The dude is just off and not right for you. He could be doing the same thing at 25 or 45. Just because he is younger than you does not explain his behavior. People in their 30s should be mature by now and youth is mostly an excuse for the teens and the 20s.

[sally4sara]

35 is a bit too far gone to be chalking up bad behavior to youth don't you think? Finding some justification for his behavior rather than just realizing he is selfish, mean, and a drunk.

 

THAT is why he is with you - you give off all the enabler symptoms. Like those mothers who whine "he's only 12" when some angry parent comes over to tell them what a snot their kid was being to some other kid. He effs up and you say some words that make you feel better or like you're putting your foot down but all he sees is you stayed around for more so you must not mind too much.

 

Actions. This is who he is. He is showing you in many large ways who he is. None of this is subtle. Its not like one night he drank too much and spilled something on you. No, he is a drunk and a mean one at that. And a cheater - failed attempts or not, he wasn't prioritizing his relationship with you. And I'm not sure why you care if he has sex with someone else when he sounds like a lousy lay. Do you realize how odd that sounds "I want to be the only one you have lousy sex with!"

 

When he called you dumbass in front of his family - what was their reaction?

Edited August 20, 2012 by sally4sara

[fucpcg]

 

I am dating a man who is 35 years old. I myself am 47. (hold the applause please, lmao.) Without sounding full of myself, I know I don't look my age....closer to 39, maybe forty than 47.

 

We assemble with those we resemble.

 

He doesn't sound mature, and neither does the above statement that you made. If you want to pride yourself on how young a man you can get, or how old you look compared to real age, then either stick with this guy, or go out with the next one just like him. If you want a different kind of man, then you better think differently yourself.

[gaius]

Loser men often resent the women that date them. Especially if the girl is better off in life. Not an age thing.

[CarrieT]

So you found you had alot of the same issues?

Absolutely!

 

He likes to tell me how mature he is compared to other people his age, that he is more on my level, but I just don't see it.

He's probably saying it to try and convince himself... Someone who has to tell someone they are something they are not are often trying to paint a picture.

 

He's got me to the point that I doubt myself and what kind of a person I am rather than thinking there is something wrong with his approach to the relationship......makes me think I'm always wrong and it should be his way.

Mine did exactly the same thing! I was doubting myself for months and months before I figured out I needed to get rid of the guy.

[Emilia]

Loser men often resent the women that date them. Especially if the girl is better off in life. Not an age thing.

 

Never a truer word spoken. A good way to spot someone you should be getting rid of

[StillReigning]

What does this have to do with age? The guy is just a complete moron

 

 

I wouldn't have acted like that when I was 18, much less in my 30s

[StillReigning]

35 is a bit too far gone to be chalking up bad behavior to youth don't you think? Finding some justification for his behavior rather than just realizing he is

 

 

35 too old? 25 is too old to chalk up idiot behavior to age

[The Way I Am]

I absolutely agree that this has nothing to do with age. I'm 30. My boyfriend is 20, and I have none of the issues you describe. He would never call me a dumbass or contact other women. And he doesn't care much for drinking.

 

Your guy is just an ahole, and those come in all ages.

[StillReigning]

I absolutely agree that this has nothing to do with age. I'm 30. My boyfriend is 20, and I have none of the issues you describe. He would never call me a dumbass or contact other women. And he doesn't care much for drinking.

 

Your guy is just an ahole, and those come in all ages.

 

 

30 year old dating a 20 year old? Wow how did that happen?

 

 

How do you deal with the fact that he doesn't make anywhere near the same money as you?