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He seems to religious for me...don't think I'd be happy...what do you think?


Sweets1919

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I moved to a new city in October and joined a church. I met some great people including a guy that I have hung out with since I got here. He is 33 and I am 29. I am a Christian and so is he so that is not the problem. However, he seems a lot more devout than me. Whenever he has a problem (he calls this "struggling"), he prays about it. He does not like doing things on Sunday because he says it's a holy day and had to pray to find out if he could go to a play with me on a Sunday. He has not kissed me yet, though we have been together since the Fall. We talked about it and he still wants to wait until he is clearer that we might get married. He is "negotiable" about "necking" (as he calls it) but would want to do no more with me until marriage. He has never kissed a girl/woman and has never had sex.

 

I was honest with him about my past and the fact that I have had sex. He said he hopes I have asked for forgiveness for my sin. He was also "disturbed" by the fact that I was drunk in the summer of 2002 when I went to Europe. He sees being drunk as a sin which I must "go before God and ask forgiveness". I do not really see that as a sin and I do not really regret my past experiences with my ex-boyfriend (sex)...I learned a lot about who I am and about life.

 

I am also concerned about how he would parent children, should we have them. If he has these strict rules for himself, how would he be as a father? Would my children be restricted from being themselves? He told me that he ONCE clicked on a xxx pop up link on his computer and looked at it...and then banned himself from using the computer for two months because he felt so guilty. I have to wonder if he would have these strict expectations for me and any future kids. I don't think he will change, and I don't want him to...this is who he is. I don't see myself being able to compromise THAT much. What do you all think? I'd love some different perspectives on this. Thanks!

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befuddled11

If he's 33 yrs old and has never kissed a girl, because of his devout religious beliefs..sorry, be he sounds like a fanatic. An extreme fanatic. That bit about the XXX popup on his PC, and him "banning himself" from the PC for 2 months...no offense, but he sounds like a wacko. If he didn't intentionally go looking for porn, then why the need to "punish" himself? Sorry: nutso.

 

Being with someone like this, I feel your past would often be brought up and used against you. I used to have an online personal ad on a Christian personals site. I finally had to take it off because there were too many of these "fanatical" wingnuts. Some were very vocal in their beliefs that "divorced women were tarnished and therefore not worthy"....some made it clear they would not become involved with a woman who ever dared have a drink, even just a glass of wine. As far as I'm concerned, these fanatics border more on being control freaks (toward women) than on being devout followers of Christ. A common underlying theme among many of them was that they wanted women who wouldn't dream of having a career, but instead, would be content to do nothing but marry and be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. And then there was the very frequent mention of the whole "Proverbs 13 (or is it 31?) woman".....don't even get me started on that.

 

God is a merciful, forgiving God. He understands we're human and imperfect, and he loves us despite our many shortcomings. Fanatics strive to be perfect, and that's not possible...and they expect everyone else in their life to be perfect...often going to the pont of being very judgmental. It's God's place to judge, not anyone else's.

 

I'm sure this guy's heart is in the right place, and he believes he's living his life the way God would intend him to......that's between him and God, but it's obvious that he's someone who you will never measure up to....because his expectations are fanatical and already he has things to hold over your head: the fact that you're not a virgin, and the fact that you've gotten drunk. Big deal. That's between YOU and God. He has no right to instruct you to seek forgiveness..that's not his place.

 

I grew up Catholic, but attended a Young People's group throughout junior and senior high school, through the Baptist church in our city (mostly cuz our Catholic church had nothing, and Mom thought it would be good, which for the most part it was). Even the baptist couples kissed! LOL

 

He sounds very rigid and about as much fun as an ingrown toenail.

 

He sounds like he could be a real control freak, too.

 

I say find someone more in keeping with your beliefs and values. Find someone who is a Christian, but who doesn't have unrealistic aspirations and expectations (the whole "perfect" thing).

 

You've been seeing this guy since the Fall..and he's not even kissed you? That could also be a guy who's got major issues with intimacy, who disguises them with Christianity. Has he ever even had a girlfriend or long term relationship before?

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befuddled11

I once had a sort of friend, who I met through my then-boyfriend's church (a pentacostal church).....who slowly drove me nuts because it seemed she couldn't fart without consulting God. I mean no disrespect by putting it this way, but it's the way I felt. We could NEVER have a conversation about anything......without her bringing God into it. It was like she was obssessed with God (which might sound strange?). Like your guy there, she couldn't make any decision in her life, likely even a decision about which toilet paper to buy, without asking for God's guidance. I actually lost a lot of respect for her, because it seemed like she didn't have a mind of her own. God has given us all a brain and a conscience and free will....and the ability to think for ourselves.

 

The fact that your dude had to pray about whether he should attend a play on a Sunday, that reminds me of the friend above.......someone who can't fart without asking God for guidance. I see that as someone who's weak and spineless and doesn't WANT to have to make their own decisions. To me, that's unattractive. That's also a sign to me of someone who doesn't have a very balanced life.......God should be a great focus in the life of a Christian, but to such a degree that that person can't make the most simplest of decisions without asking God? Yuck. Imagine marrying someone like that, or having children with them. God doesn't always answer our questions and prayers on "our time"......so a dude like this could end up being a really complacent slacker, who just sits back and waits for God to tell him what to do. Doesn't sound like a real catch to me. Sounds like a weenie.

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Thanks for your reply Befuddled! I totally agree with all your points. I very grateful that you are Christian because the way I was feeling was that I'm not a good Christian if I don't accept this guy and do what he says, but in my heart I know who I am and it is not that type of person...and that I'm fine doing things MY way.

 

To answer your question, no he has never had a girlfriend or anything. All I have heard is that he liked a girl for about a year, but that was 10 years ago. He has also revealed to me that he has "struggled" with depression on and off for the past 10 years. He finallly sought help a couple of months ago (didn't tell me till a few weeks ago) and is on medication. On top of that (which concerns me, plus saying his siblings and parents have had depression)...when I asked him WHY he is depressed, he said it's because he feels like he is "not one of God's children". WHAT IS UP WITH THAT??? I am not a religious expert and just trying to make it in this life as much as the next person...how am I supposed to support/help someone with such a deeprooted problem as that?? Pretty damn hard if you ask me.

 

Finally, he has been out of town for the last 2 and half weeks (travelling out of the country). We had been emailing regularly and he had called twice. Last weekend I started thinking about things and took time for myself...did not email him for 5 days. Well he emailed every couple days and by yesterday I was getting emails saying "are you trying to hurt me? it's working. are you trying to make me angry? it's working. are you trying to ruin my holiday? it's working."....he had been crying all day, crying as he wrote it and he was mad. Then I wrote him an email (saying i think we should break up...he is not home for another month and a half...and he really only asked me to be his official girlfriend the night before he left town). Well at 11pm he called (I was guessing he hadn't got the email (and he hadn't) and left 3 messages. He was crying hysterically, said he had been crying all day. WHY was I doing this to him (not emailing, not even the breaking up part)...YOU are being disrespecful to me!! he says. He called here at 12:30am and woke up my 80 yr old aunt that I'm staying with for a few weeks (moving into a new house) and asked her to "wake her up"...aunt refused. He ended up getting my email last night and this morning had a reply that seemed "calm" but said he thinks we have some "misunderstandings" and he's calling me later. In your opinion...would you say I've done the right thing? He seems quite emotionally dependant, immature and has a bit of a "victim" mentality...saying things are my fault and that I've DONE this TO him.

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Befuddled, thanks for your advice. It's true, he prays about everything, can't make a decision for himself and really is spineless and it IS unattractive. He told me that he would NEVER go camping or on a weekend away etc. where we have to spend the night together because it would be to "tempting" (right, when he's never even kissed anyone!...though to him, "tempting" also means "lustful" thoughts...so there is that fanaticism again) and also because he wants to be a good example to his family and "others". I told him I"m not going to live my life to look "perfect" to other people and try to be someone I'm not.

 

Imagine if he and I actually had sex or were even just making out...I would obviously know what I"m doing and have a bit more technique than a 33 yr old virgin...I could see him feeling angry or resentful...it would be a reminder that I'm not the "pure virgin" he hoped to marry.

 

He also wanted us to have weekly prayer sessions, where we get together and pray with and for each other...for like an hour. That's really not in me. And, to me, that's OK if I am not like that...again...me being different not part of his "plan".

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befuddled11

Hey there fellow Albertan! ;) (cowtown vicinity)

 

First of all, I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist....but based on what you've shared, and his behavior....and his fanaticism, I wonder if maybe he endured some kind of physical or sexual abuse as a child? And he turned to Christianity as a way to hopefully deal with whatever pain/trauma/abuse/guilt/shame he has.....and his very rigid beliefs are his way of maybe feeling "Forgiven" for what he perceives to be "bad things" he's rseponsible for (you know how abuse victims often blame themselves). And it might explain his lack of relationships with women, and not wanting to even 'kiss'.....the whole intimacy thing is screwed up for him....but he can explain that away by stating he's just being a good devout Christian.

 

This could also explain his depression. Lots of stuff that's not been dealt with. Sounds like he needs professional help. There ARE Christian counsellors out there..one place I know of is Burden Bearers.

 

Now, that being said, I'd say this guy is very unstable. His pitiful and manipulative and disturbing emails, and his behavior with calling your aunt's home at 12:30am (unless he forgot about the differing time zones) and insisting she put you on the phone......that is a huge sign of someone who's not in control. The fact that he blames you and accuses YOU of having done "THIS" to him.....yikes..don't walk away, run. Christian or no Christian, there's dangerous people out there. You don't even know his history. He could have a criminal history for all you know. He could have a major psych history, too.

 

Hopefully he doesn't know where your aunt lives? He strikes me as the kind of guy who, had he not been out of the country, would have showed up on your aunt's doorstep, banging on the door and demanding to speak with you.

 

I'm not sure what the best way to handle this is.......but I think you need to be very firm here and email him and tell him that you didn't appreciate his behavior of calling your aunt's home that late, and disrespecting her......that you will not fall for the "crying fits".....that you are not responsible for his happiness or lackthereof.......and that you will not allow him to blame you for anything. You need to be firm, and then I think you need to break off all contact with him. I don't know....see what others have to say here, about how you should now proceed.

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Thanks for your replies/concern. I know that this guy does not have a crim. history, but i must admit when he called last night (9 times all together between the house and my cell phone) I was a little concerned. His email today sounded calmer and I am just going to be FIRM when I talk to him later. Tell him it's over. I have friends in Cowtown and it wouldn't be unheard of for me to go down for the weekend....would he have a conniption if I went to the bar and didn't call? Would my voicemail be full of tearful pleads to call him? Well i don't want to stick around to find out. I know his whole family is religious (a couple siblings are not practicing Christians now) but his parents are etc...I would be expected to conform...I remember he told me a few weeks ago that the one thing i do that "really bothers him" is when I say "oh my god". I don't want to live my life on pins and needles, hoping I haven't said anything (ie. damn) which he finds offensive.

 

I agree he would have shown up here last night if he had been in town. Hopefully he can calm down during the rest of his trip. I did not like his tone in his emails yesterday, blaming me for sh**. As a 33 year old MAN, his behaviour is not too appropriate...infantile I'd say.

 

This is my first time ever posting in this site (just found it). Do you come back often? I can keep you posted.

 

Thanks for all your advice!!!

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Hi I just wanted to chime in to say that I was raised as a Christian, and still identify myself as such even though I don't often go to church. I agree with everything befuddled11 has to say. I don't think you'd be happy with such a person. Frankly he doesn't sound like he's very happy himself, but that's for him to "struggle" with.

 

Good luck!

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Does Alberta have more than its share of fundamentalists/whackos? My ex (who I met in Cowgary) told me he was fundamentalist and all my alarm bells went shrieking. Turns out he had fallen away from his churches because they considered him 'evil' for divorcing his abusive wife. Still, one day we had a HUGE dustup because he did not want to go to an ecumenical fair with his kids and I. Get this; he was afraid that just talking to someone non-Christian might lure them into some heathen religion!!!

 

Absolutely drop this guy immediately. I pretty much avoid any guy who advertises himself as Christian first and foremost because that is usually a sign that he is much more involved in some sort of fundamentalism than I'd like.

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Originally posted by moimeme

Absolutely drop this guy immediately. I pretty much avoid any guy who advertises himself as Christian first and foremost because that is usually a sign that he is much more involved in some sort of fundamentalism than I'd like.

 

Me too. If religion is someone's overwhelming identity trait, they're too zealous for me. For that matter, rabid atheists who foam at the mouth about religious folk as an undifferentiated mass are equally nutty in my book.

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For that matter, rabid atheists who foam at the mouth about religious folk as an undifferentiated mass are equally nutty in my book.

 

I'll second that! Besides, that sort of thing demonstrates closed-mindedness, which is pretty much THE most unattractive character trait I can think of.

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I don't mind if people consult me from time to time about critical life issues but I actually dislike it when I become somebody's obsession. My servers overload and I have to upgrade.

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agreed. a good test for me is to substitute religion with any other grouped noun. if he was a rapid cubist, it would be just as bad, but then transparently ridiculous.

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or, you know, a rabid one. they are both pretty bad.

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saintfrancis

Don't have too much to add except I concur with what everyone else here has said. I dated a fanatic several years back. He was, as befuddled put it, someone who couldn't fart without consulting God. Hahaha!! That is hilarious, by the way!! Hehehe.

 

Anyway, he made me MISERABLE. I was going to Hell because I was Catholic. I was going to Hell because I didn't ask God what kind of dishes to buy. I'm serious. Oh yeah, and he cheated on me too. Real Christian, huh? I could go on for hours, but the point already made by others is that you will never measure up to his expectations, because no human being can. He does sound like he has some serious mental problems, too, probably due to abuse of some sort.

 

It sounds like you already know what to do, and are doing it. Keep it up!

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