Broke the rules and confronted the new guy I'm dating

[rose45]

I am in my mid twenties. I have been on about 6 dates with someone and things seemed to be going really..a good pace, good momentum..we text, talk..I didn't feel that anxiety too much wondering if he is going to keep contacting me.

 

The past 2 and a half weeks have been extremely busy for him. I understood there really wasn't a way to see each other last week due to some stressful stuff he had to do for work (i don't want to go into details but i 100% wouldn't have expected to see him). This week he was offered to be a part of a wonderful opportunity which unfortunately was time consuming as well.

 

We basically have been texting this week here and there but sometimes it would take him hours to respond due to what he was doing i'm assuming. We wouldn't really be in contact at night. Tuesday night I think he could sense I was wondering what was going on..we texted back and forth and he said he is back thursday so maybe friday or saturday you can stay over (we dont live very close so it just makes things a little easier and i don't mind..i like the connection of sleeping with someone(no sex involved yet)

 

Wednesday he texted me a few pictures..and i texted back and also even mentioned how maybe friday we can do something in my area by me(and i go home that night) and saturday I can stay by you.

 

He mentioned how he would love to but goes back to work on sat and i knew his schedule and said i thought you were off til next week. He responded saying yea he confused the dates..he just checked etc No real definite plans or response to it though. I didn't want to be smothering and just changed the subject.

 

My last text to him was wednesday at around 8:30..no response..we didnt contact each other yesterday and now today is Friday and didn't hear anything either way about what was going on.

 

I started to feel a little upset..i know it's really early on but still--i felt that shift in contact and never felt like I had to follow rules with him before.

 

I went online and saw he was online as well posting pictures.

 

I decided to confront him and IM him nicely (I felt like we had been pretty honest early on; i followed my feelings which isn't always good i know)

 

I was still very nice about things but honest as well. I asked do u think you still want to do something tomorrow? and he wrote he isnt sure yet b/c he still has to pick up his bike that's in the area where he was at..2 hours away but coming home it should pass me so I didnt understand. And then he mentioned he has a ton of laundry to do (im guessing for work)

 

I basically flat out said it seems like we will never see each other..should I take a hint? lol (if he wanted to break it off i guess i was giving him clear opportunity to just say maybe it's for the best to stop)

 

He wrote he's just been nonstop since basically the first week of july between this and this. I wrote I know I have been understanding lol

 

he wrote i definitely have..he also mentioned we don't exactly live too close either and I don't drive. I asked if it bothered him that much and he said no, just isn't around the block that's all

 

I basically said it just seems like this will fade out if we don't see each other. And i added how i didn't want this to fade out so soon.

 

He asked so soon? lol and he said he understands and agrees and said it's sad but this is what his life can be like..it doesn't happen often but sometimes he is only home a few days out of the month. He then mentioned how maybe he will pick me up on the way back and drop me off the next morning before work if it's ok with me. I said it is but just let me know and he said he will as soon as he knows something etc

 

It probably went against every book and article about asking what was up..but i just felt like we were pretty honest on our dates, i met family, some of his friends.

 

Chances are maybe he still won't even see me..he was able to call tonight obviously and didn't bother.

 

Maybe at this point..just give him space and see if he comes around or not...

 

I sort of feel a little better that i tried clearing the air...

 

Just would like feedback, a shoulder to cry on. thanks.

[rose45]

bump.............

[xpaperxcutx]

He's losing interest. Move on.

[Negative Nancy]

I am in my mid twenties. I have been on about 6 dates with someone and things seemed to be going really..a good pace, good momentum..we text, talk..I didn't feel that anxiety too much wondering if he is going to keep contacting me.

 

The past 2 and a half weeks have been extremely busy for him. I understood there really wasn't a way to see each other last week due to some stressful stuff he had to do for work (i don't want to go into details but i 100% wouldn't have expected to see him). This week he was offered to be a part of a wonderful opportunity which unfortunately was time consuming as well.

 

We basically have been texting this week here and there but sometimes it would take him hours to respond due to what he was doing i'm assuming. We wouldn't really be in contact at night. Tuesday night I think he could sense I was wondering what was going on..we texted back and forth and he said he is back thursday so maybe friday or saturday you can stay over (we dont live very close so it just makes things a little easier and i don't mind..i like the connection of sleeping with someone(no sex involved yet)

 

Wednesday he texted me a few pictures..and i texted back and also even mentioned how maybe friday we can do something in my area by me(and i go home that night) and saturday I can stay by you.

 

He mentioned how he would love to but goes back to work on sat and i knew his schedule and said i thought you were off til next week. He responded saying yea he confused the dates..he just checked etc No real definite plans or response to it though. I didn't want to be smothering and just changed the subject.

 

My last text to him was wednesday at around 8:30..no response..we didnt contact each other yesterday and now today is Friday and didn't hear anything either way about what was going on.

 

I started to feel a little upset..i know it's really early on but still--i felt that shift in contact and never felt like I had to follow rules with him before.

 

I went online and saw he was online as well posting pictures.

 

I decided to confront him and IM him nicely (I felt like we had been pretty honest early on; i followed my feelings which isn't always good i know)

 

I was still very nice about things but honest as well. I asked do u think you still want to do something tomorrow? and he wrote he isnt sure yet b/c he still has to pick up his bike that's in the area where he was at..2 hours away but coming home it should pass me so I didnt understand. And then he mentioned he has a ton of laundry to do (im guessing for work)

 

I basically flat out said it seems like we will never see each other..should I take a hint? lol (if he wanted to break it off i guess i was giving him clear opportunity to just say maybe it's for the best to stop)

 

He wrote he's just been nonstop since basically the first week of july between this and this. I wrote I know I have been understanding lol

 

he wrote i definitely have..he also mentioned we don't exactly live too close either and I don't drive. I asked if it bothered him that much and he said no, just isn't around the block that's all

 

I basically said it just seems like this will fade out if we don't see each other. And i added how i didn't want this to fade out so soon.

 

He asked so soon? lol and he said he understands and agrees and said it's sad but this is what his life can be like..it doesn't happen often but sometimes he is only home a few days out of the month. He then mentioned how maybe he will pick me up on the way back and drop me off the next morning before work if it's ok with me. I said it is but just let me know and he said he will as soon as he knows something etc

 

It probably went against every book and article about asking what was up..but i just felt like we were pretty honest on our dates, i met family, some of his friends.

 

Chances are maybe he still won't even see me..he was able to call tonight obviously and didn't bother.

 

Maybe at this point..just give him space and see if he comes around or not...

 

I sort of feel a little better that i tried clearing the air...

 

Just would like feedback, a shoulder to cry on. thanks.

 

 

He doesn't sound very interested. You did the right thing in grilling him on the spot, better know now than later, but I think it's obvious he is not as into you as you are into him. When a man is interested, he will make time and you will have no doubts that he is interested.

 

Basically, if you have to ask here, things are already going south.

 

Just dump this loser, he's not worth it.

[CarrieT]

You IM'd him...

 

 

He wrote - you wrote - he wrote....

 

 

Did it ever dawn on your to actually TALK to him in person????

 

Much of why relationships don't last is there are so many assumptions made via texting and the loss of nuance between two human voices becomes pervasive.

 

Just a thought.

[Buttercup84]

Just a poster : Not everyone wants to drive , that statement is a bit stupid .

 

 

I think that anyone who is interested will make time for you . There are 24 hours in the day and if I like someone I will make time . And if I can't see them I will text , call etc or just fit in a quick coffee .

 

I would just let him go or call him and say that you understand he is not interested and wish him the best , he is obviously too chicken to tell you .

 

Sorry .

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sorry, he is just not interested. He is doing LAUNDRY?

 

I know you want to wait and see if he comes around, but personally he would already be dumped.

 

The low interest casual situations can only work if low interest is mutual. Clearly, that's not the case....

[It's Just Me]

An annoying commute to see someone would get very old for me, in a hurry. Especially if I was the one who always had to drive!

[Eternal Sunshine]

An annoying commute to see someone would get very old for me' date=' in a hurry. Especially if I was the one who always had to drive![/quote']

 

Ha, if I really liked a guy - it wouldn't phase me at all.

[Negative Nancy]

Ha, if I really liked a guy - it wouldn't phase me at all.

 

And if a guy really likes a girl - it wouldn't phase him at all either.

 

Men do alot more crazy things for women they are really interested in, I'm sure every single woman has had a male in their lives who just didn't seem to understand a "no", yet he would still stick around and be ready to be the first to show up when you needed help with a move or this or that.

 

My point is that if even a "no" can't keep a really interested man from trying, what makes you think any red-blooded male would say no to a woman he is interested in just because of a long drive, especially when the possible option of having sex would be in the picture?

 

Exactly - only "no interest" would.

[It's Just Me]

True enough.

[Eternal Sunshine]

And if a guy really likes a girl - it wouldn't phase him at all either.

 

Men do alot more crazy things for women they are really interested in, I'm sure every single woman has had a male in their lives who just didn't seem to understand a "no", yet he would still stick around and be ready to be the first to show up when you needed help with a move or this or that.

 

My point is that if even a "no" can't keep a really interested man from trying, what makes you think any red-blooded male would say no to a woman he is interested in just because of a long drive, especially when the possible option of having sex would be in the picture?

 

Exactly - only "no interest" would.

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

It is very easy to see when a guy is not interested or has lukewarm interest at best.

[all_hail_me]

I travelled 4 hours one way to see my ex for a year and a half before saying "we either move in together or break up". I think him complaining you don't drive is pretty pathetic, if he liked you a lot it would never have come up as an issue.

 

Move on rose45 - if he comes round then take it easy. Don't give him everything he wants, make him work for it.

 

I think you did the right thing confronting him, honesty is pretty much the only thing we can hope for in relationships these days.

[tigressA]

I agree with ES and Negative Nancy. If this guy were really into you, the commute wouldn't bother him, and he'd be making more time for you.

 

Examples: Before I moved in with my ex, we lived roughly 40 minutes away from each other. He would drive to my town and back several times a week to see me and never complained. Heck, even the guy I'm currently seeing, though it's very new (less than 2 months) once walked through a thunderstorm to the train station to come see me even though he didn't have an umbrella and got soaked (neither of us drive).

[GravityMan]

I don't care if someone is working 80-100 hours a week, has to travel cross-country or internationally for business every few weeks, and lives an hour away from you. If that person is truly into you, he WILL somehow make time for you two to spend together. Period. People usually give higher priority to those things and people that are important to them.

 

Also, talking on phone >>>>>> texting.

[Eternal Sunshine]

People always do what they passionately want to do. No exceptions.

[rose45]

wow, thanks for everyone posting!!

 

been kind of upset over this..someone mentioned he was updating his dating profile--it was facebook actually not a dating profile(he hasn't been on that in about 2 weeks basically). Regardless--i know he could have called or texted me rather than updating his social page.

 

I just like to be honest and i was giving him clear opportunity i guess to end it. I wouldn't mind seeing him another time after this time apart and see what happens..i do actually believe it was very busy but i also do agree he could have called when he got back.

 

Everything was going fine up until this schedule change recently.

 

Hopefully it didn't make things worse but it was more of a wondering if we are atleast on the same page of wanting to see each other again. It probably wouldn't matter either way if he was completely done.

 

So i'm trying to just stay calm and at this point leave it be and see what he does. It's not easy for me to do. I guess i hate the whole dating process and actually felt really good about how this was going until all this happened.

 

It seemed like he was busy and honest how it's been non stop and i do believe it in a sense..but seeing him post new pics kind of upset me because he was obviously free at that point. Someone told me he just might be playing everything by ear at this point and if everything was going well before all of this, maybe just give it some time now that you cleared the air without initiating anything.

[veggirl]

I just like to be honest and i was giving him clear opportunity i guess to end it. I wouldn't mind seeing him another time after this time apart and see what happens..i do actually believe it was very busy but i also do agree he could have called when he got back.

 

No, you don't need to give him an opportunity to end it. He has been pussyfooting around for over 2 weeks, "busy with work", "forgot what my schedule is!", "laundry!"... those lameas$ excuses ARE him ending it. He is clearly not going to come out and just say it. Everything is an excuse. His words are meaningless, his actions show he is NOT interested.

 

Why would you give him another chance?

 

Everything was going fine up until this schedule change recently.

 

His schedule is not the problem. A guy could work 100 hrs a week and if he was interested, you would KNOW it esp after 6 dates.

 

Hopefully it didn't make things worse but it was more of a wondering if we are atleast on the same page of wanting to see each other again. It probably wouldn't matter either way if he was completely done.

 

Gosh, you are too worried about what this guy thinks. You need to worry about yourself--he is distant and flakey, do you want someone like that? No, so who cares if you "ruin" things by noting that? He is not the man you want, you just want to change him into that and sorry girl but you can't twist your actions / words to make someone be interested if they arent

 

So i'm trying to just stay calm and at this point leave it be and see what he does. It's not easy for me to do. I guess i hate the whole dating process and actually felt really good about how this was going until all this happened.

 

Yeah...please don't contact him.

 

 

It seemed like he was busy and honest how it's been non stop and i do believe it in a sense..but seeing him post new pics kind of upset me because he was obviously free at that point. Someone told me he just might be playing everything by ear at this point and if everything was going well before all of this, maybe just give it some time now that you cleared the air without initiating anything.

 

?? what does "playing everything by ear" mean? That means "don't contact a girl I supposedly like, and don't hang out with her" ??? That is terrible advice, don't listen to whoever said that to you.

 

I'd forget this guy.

[musemaj11]

And if a guy really likes a girl - it wouldn't phase him at all either.

 

Men do alot more crazy things for women they are really interested in, I'm sure every single woman has had a male in their lives who just didn't seem to understand a "no", yet he would still stick around and be ready to be the first to show up when you needed help with a move or this or that.

 

My point is that if even a "no" can't keep a really interested man from trying, what makes you think any red-blooded male would say no to a woman he is interested in just because of a long drive, especially when the possible option of having sex would be in the picture?

 

Exactly - only "no interest" would.

There is two kinds of 'interested men'.

 

One is the interested man with no other options.

 

While the other one is the interested man with other options.

 

The first one will do anything and be a doormat because he is undesirable and has no other choices anyway, while the other is not as desperate and simply moves on to another option. And interestingly, the second kind of men are also a lot less likely to get the girl than the first kind which is understandable. After all we all wants what other people also want.

[OsiStruck]

forget the guy.. move on. Call a girlfriend and go out for drinks. I assure you the guy isnt losing any sleep...

[TaraMaiden]

6 dates and no sex? I do believe I've located the problem.

 

You're welcome.

 

Oh don't be ridiculous. In every relationship I've ever had, we didn't have sex until at least 2 months/20 dates in.... if you define the value of a relationship by how soon you can get your leg over..... then you need to re-examine your flow-chart....

[TaraMaiden]

Neither did I.

Morals and sex have nothing to do with what year people date in.

The victorians were salacious, lascivious lustful and downright decadent at times, when it came to sex.

so what do the 50's have to do with it?

[xpaperxcutx]

Op why ru posting here when you've already postes in dating. Posting in different forums isn't going to give youc diff. Answers.

[rose45]

there has been an update since I last posted

 

For some reason with my gut, I wanted to push to see him so then I can just get some closure from it even though it wasn't a long time or just see if it would change things.

 

I asked if he would pick me up after heading back to the area he had to be in to get his car etc etc..it was like a 2 hour drive him but he would have to go sort of by my area to get back home..he wrote he wasn't sure b/c it will be after 11 by the time that happens

 

Meanwhile i didn't care if we didn't go out that, i just wanted to see him and I told him i figured we would atleast have some time together before work tomorrow and if you don't want to I don't have a problem then. He wrote he doesn't mind, just wasn't sure if i wanted to go out that late.

 

So he picked me up. I was nervous getting in..we didn't kiss hello or anything and he said it's been awhile and i said yea it has and asked how he was and he said he was shot and just tired and running around all day etc.

 

We get back to his place and have a drink and found a movie to watch. He wasnt getting to close to me, wasn't touching my hand, didn't kiss me. We were sitting somewhat close but no interaction. We hung out with one of his friends for a bit.

 

After an hour or so we seemed more comfortable and he put his hand on my lap like normal. But i still felt worried for some reason. We went to bed and kissed and things seemed more normal. He wanted to have sex but i stopped him and he asked what was wrong. I was nervous and timid and he joked like you have to talk, say it. I said I can't do that unless i'm exclusive with someone, it's just how i am. I don't do this stuff with just anyone.

 

He said ok lets talk about it, we didn't get to before. And he was pretty much saying how he is for it and he told me that it really has been busy--it's not like he was going out with friends or anything. He said only got back thursday and he wasn't meaning to neglect me by not calling. I said I understand you have a different schedule and I wasn't thinking anything negative until the past few days where I wasn't sure. He also said he is fine with all of this if i am fine knowing the fact he isn't here alot sometimes due to what his work entails.

 

(I really wish i would have told him i expect more calls/texts if i am with someone..i felt nervous about saying everything.)

 

He asked how i felt about being together and i said I am for it, I don't want to force you to be exclusive etc. So we basically agreed to it. I asked him a you sure and i said so only seeing each other. And that's when he asked wait, what do you do mean? he said seeing each or exclusive because seeing each other means you can see other people. I asked what he thought--and he said i thought you mean more serious like steady. I said yes that's what i mean and he said ok that's what he thought we were talking about.

 

I still didn't sleep with him, i told him can we just wait a bit.

 

We woke up..but he wasn't overly affectionate, we didn't kiss and maybe that's how he is at times..not sure. He had to get ready for work and dropped me home in the afternoon..we spoke on the way home and when he dropped me off it was quick kiss and he said ok see you later as like a general bye

 

I still feel insecure i guess at this point..maybe due to his schedule, maybe just not sure yet how his personality is.

 

In some ways i feel ok..but now I am just thinking ahead are we gonna speak later or not but it seems like maybe i need to give him the benefit of the doubt for now?

 

Maybe I am not used to dating someone who has just a different schedule and lifestyle

Edited July 29, 2012 by rose45

[rose45]

bump........................