Is this man a sociopath??

[proseandpassion]

This is long... so.. bear with me.

 

I first met Eli about a year and a half ago. At the time, he had a girlfriend, and I didn't think much of it. But I could tell immediately upon meeting him that he thought I was attractive. I also found him very magnetically attractive. Over the next few months I ran into him at social gatherings here and there. One time, he was a bit drunk, and he out-right hit on me while his girlfriend stood less than ten feet away. After that, we became Facebook friends and I was sort of confused/amused/something by the amount of attention he gave me. He was constantly messaging me on Facebook and texting me. I am a very curious person. People intrigue me. So I went along with it, not really sure of what to expect. About two months into our "friendship" he decided to surprise me by kissing me rather unexpectedly. He then proposed we have an affair--but only a physical one. Truth be told, the kiss he gave me knocked my socks off. Up until this point I had witnessed him tell some pretty obvious outlandish stories that I suspected were lies, but I just kinda shrugged it off.

 

He was very full of himself, and promised some crazy sexual adventures. Honestly though, during our first sexual encounter, I was left pretty underwhelmed. He was a very attentive lover, but sorta boring. Since he had a girlfriend who was prone to violence, I decided it just wasn't worth it. I withdrew from him for about a month. Then he sprung it on me that his girlfriend was in jail, and that they'd broken up. Our physical affair re-ignited. Again, though, it wasn't anything serious. I was kinda weirded out by the high level of attention he seemed to lavish upon me. I would get a litany of texts every day, and at night he'd telephone me to gab like we were fourteen year-old girls. Over the next month, he spent a lot of time with me. He'd come over to my house and would spend three and four days in a row with me. He seemed to know that I needed a lot of attention.

 

During this time, Eli had a female best friend whom also seemed to demand a lot of his time. A few months into our affair, he just spontaneously decided he no longer liked her. It was so strange to witness. Just all of a sudden--poof--he decided she was more trouble than she was worth. He totally used some gaslighting techniques on her and made it seem like it was something she did; but really, she did nothing. I figured they must have had some kind of history that I wasn't privy to so I didn't think anything of it. At this point, he and I had spent a great deal of time together and I was starting to develop feelings. He was always playful, joyful, fun, light hearted. He never professed any deep emotions for me, and often times he'd go quiet. I'd assume he was contemplating something, but when I asked he'd say he was thinking of nothing.

 

During this time, he went through a rough patch, mostly financially. At the time he was living with his family, but his source of (small) income had completely dried up. He seemed very distraught about his situation a lot. I had some very strong feelings for him at this juncture--pretty close to love, but I wasn't sure if we had enough in common to really sustain a relationship. All I knew is that I loved being around him. He could be ridiculous; he told some pretty obvious lies (he said he'd been a male stripper, written a book, things of this nature that I just knew weren't possible). I also suspected he was seeing other girls, but I didn't really care that much--I mostly just wanted to know so that I could have a reason to minimize my feelings. Basically, I knew having emotions attached to him was a bad idea but nonetheless I kept going in deeper.

 

About five months into our foray of (friendship? affair? it was so confusing sometimes), he suddenly withdrew from me. By this time I was very much in love with him, even though I didn't want to be. He knew nothing of my true feelings and I hadn't even attempted to ask him how he felt about me. Regardless, I felt a shift in the air as he suddenly texted me far, far less and responded to me with curt, one-word responses. One day, in a conversation via gchat, I said I missed him. He responded very negatively. He said he was wondering when I was going to start demanding a relationship. I said--I don't demand relationships. But then, at that time, I had to know. I asked him how he felt about me, and revealed that I had very deep feelings for him. This came as a complete surprise to him. He said he only cared about me as a friend. I was completely gutted. I decided I had to cut ties with him. For the next month, he went back to the aforementioned female friend whom he had decided no longer appealed to him. He was stuck to her like glue. I'd still see him out, since he and I are in the same social circle, but he treated me very coldly.

 

Then he revealed to me that his home life situation had become very stressful and he needed to escape. He didn't want go to to his female 'best friends' house because then he thought that would be an impetus for a relationship with her (she, too, was in love with him as it turned out). I let him stay with me for two weeks while he sorted this out. During this time he barely had a dime to his name. I fed him, let him sleep in my bed, and opened my home to him. After this, our physical affair was re-ignited once again... I tried to take it for what it was. Just a *thing*. Nothing more than that. I was still struggling to NOT love him. Because I knew loving him was a bad idea.

 

Perhaps six weeks into this affair, I met someone and I began dating said person. He and Eli were acquainted, and had something of a quasi-rivalry. However, this man WANTED to be my boyfriend, and was the complete opposite of Eli in that he actually wanted a relationship with me. I realized that if I were to pursue something deeper with this man, I'd have to move on from Eli. One night I was hanging out with Eli and I revealed that I'd been seeing someone. He completely freaked out. He kept trying to tell me that of anyone we knew, HE was the best match for me. He said HE'D have taken me on dates if that's what I had wanted. The next day, he told me he hadn't slept at all because he was thinking so much about our conversation. I was sorta flattered that it appeared he had feelings for me afterall (even though he said nothing of the sort--just exhibited such disappointment and dismay at me actually dating someone else).

 

I continued to date the dude mentioned above, but then that started to slowly fall apart. I was comparing him to Eli. It wasn't the same. He didn't make me laugh as much. He didn't hug me or kiss me the same way. Then, I felt that guy pull away from me, and I completely FREAKED. I went crawling back to Eli and made a grand gesture of professing my love, promising that I'd make his world wonderful if he'd just give me a chance. He revealed that he was back with his ex, the one who had gone to jail. He also said that at one point he had feelings for me, but that I was so "cold and distant" that he began to see me as just a friend. I was HEARTBROKEN, once again. I tried to move on, ONCE AGAIN. I actually did move on to a great degree. I didn't see Eli except in social settings for months and months. I fell in love with another man, who was wonderful and giving and loved me back. It didn't work out for reasons out of our control, but I saw what REAL LOVE was. Throughout all this time, Eli tried to keep me close to him. He would say he missed me and that he missed our time together and would also sexually proposition me. He began to seem like a cruel manipulator to me.

 

After I had the situation fall apart with the man I truly fell in love with (whom I still love and adore, but cannot be with at this point in time), I sort of needed a distraction. Like an IDIOT, I chose Eli as that distraction. He's always happy to be one. Now that we both realize we'll never be anything but friends, he now tells me a lot more about his manipulative ways. He very much befriends people specifically to get something from them. He has very few male friends, most likely because they provide nothing to him. He is a VERY good looking man with style, manners, and charm. He seems to go after women who aren't particularly attractive, befriends them, lays on a TON of attention (he is constantly texting), and then uses them to get dinners, dates, and sex. With no commitment. The minute they become at all a liability--or demand answers, or are too 'clingy', he dumps them. He's done with them within five minutes. I've seen it happen. He was very cozy with a woman named Jennifer for about six weeks. They'd spend every weekend together (it really reminded me of what he'd done to me in the past). They'd text constantly. He actually seemed to like her, and said that she reminded him of me. He even introduced her to me as if she was someone special. He insisted that they weren't dating, and that he only liked her as a friend. His actions spoke otherwise, but I didn't challenge him.

 

Three days ago, they had a misunderstanding, and in a split second he decided he didn't like her anymore. He began trashing her character, and like that--BING--it's over. He has told me time and time again that I am the only "normal" girl he knows. But now I am beginning to think that my close friend Eli is actually a sociopath, and the reason I am 'normal' to him is that I never challenge him, I am passive, and I might make girls jealous from time to time (which raises his value). We no longer sleep together consistently, but if one of us is feeling particularly lonely, we will.

 

He completely trashes any guy I may have interest in and if given the chance, tries to dissuade me from doing anything social without him (especially any activity where I may meet a boy—like clubs, or bars). He has never accepted responsibility for anything he’s ever done wrong, and every girlfriend he’s ever had betrayed him. He’s also a serial cheater, and I do not believe he’s ever not cheated on a partner.

He also is quick to criticize any guy. He is VERY hard on other men. Perhaps to make himself look good in comparison? But the very thing he accuses other men of doing he is guilty of. He likes to accuse other men of being cheaters, liars and users. To my knowledge, Eli does all three. I have caught him in lies before. Recently he got free tickets to a concert, and actually waved them around in the air with a sneaky grin and said, “How can I use these to my benefit?” He then brainstormed which girl he could take to the concert and which would have the bigger benefit for him.

 

I am probably making him sound HORRIBLE, but he is INCREDIBLY FUN to be around. It’s difficult because his presence is ADDICTING.

 

How can I test this person’s true intentions?

[pteromom]

I don't know about the LABEL, but he sounds like an incredibly icky person.

 

A liar, a manipulator, a user, arrogant, critical.

 

Ugh.

 

Fun or not, he's not a good guy.

 

From your description of him, I would guess narcissist over sociopath.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

[proseandpassion]

That probably makes sense. He gets very slighted over things.. which is more in line with the narcissist description.

[mortensorchid]

I stopped reading once I read "his girlfriend is in jail". Get out while the getting is still good.

[proseandpassion]

Yeah, that's come and gone. She's out of jail now. They seem to break up and make up. Not sure what he sees in her as he seems to not really spend much time with her. I think she's a "trophy" girlfriend as she somehow exemplifies some kind of characteristics which he finds appealing... or thinks other people might find appealing. Once he forwarded an entire Facebook chat conversation between the two of them to me... and it read like the saga of two thirteen year olds quarreling. Except they're both in their thirties :/

[D87]

This thread illustrates precisely the case of a woman choosing a "boy boy" who treats them like **** over a good guy who treats them with respect. This happens very often and the reason for this is that "bad boy" is more masculine and likely has higher testosterone than the "good guy", thus, making the female more sexually attracted to him.

 

Subconsciously, proseandpassion sees the "bad boy" as a more desirable mate because his pheromones and high testosterone elicit a release of dopamine (pleasure hormone) in her brain and all her rational thinking goes out of the window. This would also explains the other girls (the girlfriend in jail and his other "friend), being attracted to him.

[miss_jaclynrae]

If I even had to THINK about asking that about a man I would be LONG gone.

[proseandpassion]

This thread illustrates precisely the case of a woman choosing a "boy boy" who treats them like **** over a good guy who treats them with respect. This happens very often and the reason for this is that "bad boy" is more masculine and likely has higher testosterone than the "good guy", thus, making the female more sexually attracted to him.

 

Subconsciously, proseandpassion sees the "bad boy" as a more desirable mate because his pheromones and high testosterone elicit a release of dopamine (pleasure hormone) in her brain and all her rational thinking goes out of the window. This would also explains the other girls (the girlfriend in jail and his other "friend), being attracted to him.

 

Probably true! I want a nice guy, though. I do.

[proseandpassion]

If I even had to THINK about asking that about a man I would be LONG gone.

 

Oh, I know. It's ridiculous. I shrugged it off for a long time. These things have only just been occurring to me.

 

The thing about realizing you've been taken for a ride is.... you've usually been on the ride a looooooong time by the time you realize it. (Ask anyone who's been in relationships with abusers, users and manipulators)

[daphne]

He sounds like my narcissistic ex. I'm surprised that you would still have anything to do with him now that you know what he's like. At least in a romantic capacity.

[proseandpassion]

He sounds like my narcissistic ex. I'm surprised that you would still have anything to do with him now that you know what he's like. At least in a romantic capacity.

 

I have almost no romantic attachment to him these days.

[pteromom]

I have almost no romantic attachment to him these days.

 

But you are still sleeping with him occasionally. You know what would be worse than having a friendship/relationship with a narcissist? Having one as the father of your unexpected child!

 

You really need to stop sleeping with him. He's bad news.

[SouthernDamsel]

Another vote for him being a narcissist. Next him. Date the nice guy.

[dasein]

I read that wall hoping for a good, juicy American Psycho -SOCIOPATH- story and got that?? Shame on you OP you damn tease!

 

Pray you never have even a borderline sociopath in your life.

[ja123]

You'll have to suck it up and delete him from your facebook, cut all contact, and hang in some different social circles, if you are serious about making a break with this guy.

 

He's bad news, you know it. And you said being with him is "addicting", so you'll have to go cold turkey with him. It'd be too easy to slip by remaining in touch with him, and you know that deep down.

[Lady18]

This is long... so.. bear with me.

 

I first met Eli about a year and a half ago. At the time, he had a girlfriend, and I didn't think much of it. But I could tell immediately upon meeting him that he thought I was attractive. I also found him very magnetically attractive. Over the next few months I ran into him at social gatherings here and there. One time, he was a bit drunk, and he out-right hit on me while his girlfriend stood less than ten feet away. After that, we became Facebook friends and I was sort of confused/amused/something by the amount of attention he gave me. He was constantly messaging me on Facebook and texting me. I am a very curious person. People intrigue me. So I went along with it, not really sure of what to expect. About two months into our "friendship" he decided to surprise me by kissing me rather unexpectedly. He then proposed we have an affair--but only a physical one. Truth be told, the kiss he gave me knocked my socks off. Up until this point I had witnessed him tell some pretty obvious outlandish stories that I suspected were lies, but I just kinda shrugged it off.

 

He was very full of himself, and promised some crazy sexual adventures. Honestly though, during our first sexual encounter, I was left pretty underwhelmed. He was a very attentive lover, but sorta boring. Since he had a girlfriend who was prone to violence, I decided it just wasn't worth it. I withdrew from him for about a month. Then he sprung it on me that his girlfriend was in jail, and that they'd broken up. Our physical affair re-ignited. Again, though, it wasn't anything serious. I was kinda weirded out by the high level of attention he seemed to lavish upon me. I would get a litany of texts every day, and at night he'd telephone me to gab like we were fourteen year-old girls. Over the next month, he spent a lot of time with me. He'd come over to my house and would spend three and four days in a row with me. He seemed to know that I needed a lot of attention.

 

During this time, Eli had a female best friend whom also seemed to demand a lot of his time. A few months into our affair, he just spontaneously decided he no longer liked her. It was so strange to witness. Just all of a sudden--poof--he decided she was more trouble than she was worth. He totally used some gaslighting techniques on her and made it seem like it was something she did; but really, she did nothing. I figured they must have had some kind of history that I wasn't privy to so I didn't think anything of it. At this point, he and I had spent a great deal of time together and I was starting to develop feelings. He was always playful, joyful, fun, light hearted. He never professed any deep emotions for me, and often times he'd go quiet. I'd assume he was contemplating something, but when I asked he'd say he was thinking of nothing.

 

During this time, he went through a rough patch, mostly financially. At the time he was living with his family, but his source of (small) income had completely dried up. He seemed very distraught about his situation a lot. I had some very strong feelings for him at this juncture--pretty close to love, but I wasn't sure if we had enough in common to really sustain a relationship. All I knew is that I loved being around him. He could be ridiculous; he told some pretty obvious lies (he said he'd been a male stripper, written a book, things of this nature that I just knew weren't possible). I also suspected he was seeing other girls, but I didn't really care that much--I mostly just wanted to know so that I could have a reason to minimize my feelings. Basically, I knew having emotions attached to him was a bad idea but nonetheless I kept going in deeper.

 

About five months into our foray of (friendship? affair? it was so confusing sometimes), he suddenly withdrew from me. By this time I was very much in love with him, even though I didn't want to be. He knew nothing of my true feelings and I hadn't even attempted to ask him how he felt about me. Regardless, I felt a shift in the air as he suddenly texted me far, far less and responded to me with curt, one-word responses. One day, in a conversation via gchat, I said I missed him. He responded very negatively. He said he was wondering when I was going to start demanding a relationship. I said--I don't demand relationships. But then, at that time, I had to know. I asked him how he felt about me, and revealed that I had very deep feelings for him. This came as a complete surprise to him. He said he only cared about me as a friend. I was completely gutted. I decided I had to cut ties with him. For the next month, he went back to the aforementioned female friend whom he had decided no longer appealed to him. He was stuck to her like glue. I'd still see him out, since he and I are in the same social circle, but he treated me very coldly.

 

Then he revealed to me that his home life situation had become very stressful and he needed to escape. He didn't want go to to his female 'best friends' house because then he thought that would be an impetus for a relationship with her (she, too, was in love with him as it turned out). I let him stay with me for two weeks while he sorted this out. During this time he barely had a dime to his name. I fed him, let him sleep in my bed, and opened my home to him. After this, our physical affair was re-ignited once again... I tried to take it for what it was. Just a *thing*. Nothing more than that. I was still struggling to NOT love him. Because I knew loving him was a bad idea.

 

Perhaps six weeks into this affair, I met someone and I began dating said person. He and Eli were acquainted, and had something of a quasi-rivalry. However, this man WANTED to be my boyfriend, and was the complete opposite of Eli in that he actually wanted a relationship with me. I realized that if I were to pursue something deeper with this man, I'd have to move on from Eli. One night I was hanging out with Eli and I revealed that I'd been seeing someone. He completely freaked out. He kept trying to tell me that of anyone we knew, HE was the best match for me. He said HE'D have taken me on dates if that's what I had wanted. The next day, he told me he hadn't slept at all because he was thinking so much about our conversation. I was sorta flattered that it appeared he had feelings for me afterall (even though he said nothing of the sort--just exhibited such disappointment and dismay at me actually dating someone else).

 

I continued to date the dude mentioned above, but then that started to slowly fall apart. I was comparing him to Eli. It wasn't the same. He didn't make me laugh as much. He didn't hug me or kiss me the same way. Then, I felt that guy pull away from me, and I completely FREAKED. I went crawling back to Eli and made a grand gesture of professing my love, promising that I'd make his world wonderful if he'd just give me a chance. He revealed that he was back with his ex, the one who had gone to jail. He also said that at one point he had feelings for me, but that I was so "cold and distant" that he began to see me as just a friend. I was HEARTBROKEN, once again. I tried to move on, ONCE AGAIN. I actually did move on to a great degree. I didn't see Eli except in social settings for months and months. I fell in love with another man, who was wonderful and giving and loved me back. It didn't work out for reasons out of our control, but I saw what REAL LOVE was. Throughout all this time, Eli tried to keep me close to him. He would say he missed me and that he missed our time together and would also sexually proposition me. He began to seem like a cruel manipulator to me.

 

After I had the situation fall apart with the man I truly fell in love with (whom I still love and adore, but cannot be with at this point in time), I sort of needed a distraction. Like an IDIOT, I chose Eli as that distraction. He's always happy to be one. Now that we both realize we'll never be anything but friends, he now tells me a lot more about his manipulative ways. He very much befriends people specifically to get something from them. He has very few male friends, most likely because they provide nothing to him. He is a VERY good looking man with style, manners, and charm. He seems to go after women who aren't particularly attractive, befriends them, lays on a TON of attention (he is constantly texting), and then uses them to get dinners, dates, and sex. With no commitment. The minute they become at all a liability--or demand answers, or are too 'clingy', he dumps them. He's done with them within five minutes. I've seen it happen. He was very cozy with a woman named Jennifer for about six weeks. They'd spend every weekend together (it really reminded me of what he'd done to me in the past). They'd text constantly. He actually seemed to like her, and said that she reminded him of me. He even introduced her to me as if she was someone special. He insisted that they weren't dating, and that he only liked her as a friend. His actions spoke otherwise, but I didn't challenge him.

 

Three days ago, they had a misunderstanding, and in a split second he decided he didn't like her anymore. He began trashing her character, and like that--BING--it's over. He has told me time and time again that I am the only "normal" girl he knows. But now I am beginning to think that my close friend Eli is actually a sociopath, and the reason I am 'normal' to him is that I never challenge him, I am passive, and I might make girls jealous from time to time (which raises his value). We no longer sleep together consistently, but if one of us is feeling particularly lonely, we will.

 

He completely trashes any guy I may have interest in and if given the chance, tries to dissuade me from doing anything social without him (especially any activity where I may meet a boy—like clubs, or bars). He has never accepted responsibility for anything he’s ever done wrong, and every girlfriend he’s ever had betrayed him. He’s also a serial cheater, and I do not believe he’s ever not cheated on a partner.

He also is quick to criticize any guy. He is VERY hard on other men. Perhaps to make himself look good in comparison? But the very thing he accuses other men of doing he is guilty of. He likes to accuse other men of being cheaters, liars and users. To my knowledge, Eli does all three. I have caught him in lies before. Recently he got free tickets to a concert, and actually waved them around in the air with a sneaky grin and said, “How can I use these to my benefit?” He then brainstormed which girl he could take to the concert and which would have the bigger benefit for him.

 

I am probably making him sound HORRIBLE, but he is INCREDIBLY FUN to be around. It’s difficult because his presence is ADDICTING.

 

How can I test this person’s true intentions?

 

He is a sociopath and I completely understand the fun and excitement I was there. The fun spontaneous behavior is also dangerous.

I just got run over by a sociopath, he managed to turn my world upside down in 4 weeks. His name is Rabia Issa so beware if anyone should cross his path. He was a restaurant manager and he hired me as a bartender. I was very turned on by his charm and charisma. Rabia was always very well dressed and carried himself with a high level of self esteem. He asked me to go out for drinks one night and his behavior out of work was totally different, but exciting and spontaneous. He was fired from the job because someone found out about us together, he said it was my fault he got fired because he was dating me. He told me not to go back to work there. The next week he moved in with me, he found another job but I haven't yet. He did not contribute and his behavior became more and more bizarre showing signs of anger, he even said that he wants to kick my dog. 3 weeks after he moved in he jumped up out of bed at 3:30 am and said "I have to leave". He picked up his suitcase and left, just like that. I tried to call him and text his he hasn't responded. I felt like my whole insides got ripped out of my body. It's only been 3 days. A friend of mine said he was a sociopath so I googled "sociopath" and he falls under every category. I am thankful the relationship did not go further. I hope this will be helpful to anyone that may meet and captured under the spell of a sociopath.

Good Luck

[Lady18]

I just got run over by a sociopath, he managed to turn my world upside down in 4 weeks. His name is Rabia Issa so beware if anyone should cross his path. He was a restaurant manager and he hired me as a bartender. I was very turned on by his charm and charisma. Rabia was always very well dressed and carried himself with a high level of self esteem. He asked me to go out for drinks one night and his behavior out of work was totally different, but exciting and spontaneous. He was fired from the job because someone found out about us together, he said it was my fault he got fired because he was dating me. He told me not to go back to work there. The next week he moved in with me, he found another job but I haven't yet. He did not contribute and his behavior became more and more bizarre showing signs of anger, he even said that he wants to kick my dog. 3 weeks after he moved in he jumped up out of bed at 3:30 am and said "I have to leave". He picked up his suitcase and left, just like that. I tried to call him and text his he hasn't responded. I felt like my whole insides got ripped out of my body. It's only been 3 days. A friend of mine said he was a sociopath so I googled "sociopath" and he falls under every category. I am thankful the relationship did not go further. I hope this will be helpful to anyone that may meet and captured under the spell of a sociopath.

Good Luck