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They lose interest after sex because that's all they wanted? Or do they lose respect?


Cealabeala

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It seems like a Catch 22 situation.

 

I recently had sex with a guy for the first time after our third meeting. I'm 21 and he's 24. We met two months ago, shared a kiss and swapped numbers. He let me know early on that he has recently broken up with a girl he had been going out with for a year.

 

We have been talking through text and on Facebook since we met, and we seemed to connect. We tried to meet up a few different times over that period but something always got in the way. Then we met up a week ago, kissed some more and got on well. A few days after that he asked me on a date, which lasted all day and into the night and was a lot of fun. We clicked and had a good laugh. He even told me he liked me a lot and that he found me funny and interesting, and he seemed sincere.

 

We went back to my house where the kissing escalated a bit and we ended up in bed. At first I stopped it going as far as sex, which he seemed fine with. But then I kind of gave in :o and we had sex, and again in the morning.

 

He seemed surprised at what had happened. He said he was not expecting anything more than a goodnight kiss. I kind of got the impression that to him, I had acted in an unusual way. He texted me when he got home to say thanks for the date and that he had fun.

 

Later I tried to engage him on Facebook chat but he didn't seem keen so I stopped. The day after he did talk to me, asking me whether I would be out that night, and I said no. So I was kind of shocked when I woke up the next morning and he had texted me the simple phrase "booty call" at 3 a.m. Now, we joke around a lot and it COULD have been a joke. But he hasn't contacted me since then (3 days ago) to clarify that.

 

I'm not heartbroken or anything. The fact that he has recently broken up with someone meant that I was never looking at having a serious relationship with him. I wanted something casual all along, but I did want it to be based on respect. I'm just curious now about whether sex was his sole goal all along and the "I like you" speech was just manipulation, or if he did genuinely like me until I "put out" too soon, which turned him off. Or if the chase was over, blah blah.

 

It's hard to know whether you should "test" a guy, by giving in to sex early on and see if he sticks around, or if this is pointless because he'll only give you a chance if you hold out anyway?

 

No judgement's like "wait until you get married" please.

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If a guy like you and respects you to begin with, the time frame in which you have sex wont change that.

 

Women need to learn this. If I really like a girl, we can have sex after knowing each other a few hours and I wont think harshly of her. Id acknowledge that we had great chemistry.

 

In dating, I judge others by the same standard I judge myself

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If you enjoyed the sex I don't get all the angst about what he's thinking.

Move on. He's not interested or too immature to handle real life.

Lame of him to comment about a goodnight kiss after you two had sex.

Why hang around waiting to play games with a guy that cannot handle the adult male world?

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And about this guy...

 

Firstly, his being surprised that you guys had sex sounds sincere to me...but no biggie. Guys are used to girls putting on the breaks when it comes to sex on the first few dates. I wouldnt say having sex made him dislike you...if anything it can only help.

 

Secondly, girls like you need to learn you cant have it both ways. You cant say you want something casual, and then backtrack and act like a guy "manipulated" you or say how you felt you had sex too soon. Its casual dating, it happens, and its what you both wanted. Either you want to casual date or you dont. The guy just got out of a relationship, is probably trying to take things slow, and though youre saying you arent looking for anything serious, you definitely are acting like you are.

 

If youre so concerned about whats going on in this dudes head...contact him and ask him.

 

I can tell you from experience, having sex with another girl right after a break up can really screw up a guys brain if he was very attached to his ex. Even if he does like you, it doesnt erase the feelings for his ex right away...and I know when I had my rebound after my ex...it really screwed up my thought process and I took a step back from the girl I hooked up with.

 

We remained friends, and I did think she was a cool girl, but I wasnt ready to be close to anyone but my ex. All other girls would be strictly casual. Its possible thats where this guy is at...and either you can stay the course with what you originally felt about the situation, or you can admit you like him as more and do something about it. With the girl I hooked up with, I ended up apologizing to her for backing off like I did (precautionary measure in case she had liked me), but she was cool about it and didnt mind because she was strictly in it for casual fun herself.

 

PS - I disagree with Balzac. I dont see how this guy wasnt an adult. Its not like he blew you off or anything. He spoke to you after you had sex, and its possible his mind is not entirely focused on new women. Hes newly single and you both enjoyed some casual fun. No biggie here...its not like he lead you on. You both went in with the same expectations, but yours changed after the fact. Cant blame that on the dude.

Edited by kaylan
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proseandpassion

I think it's less about them respecting you, and more about you respecting yourself. After sleeping with someone, Oxytocin kicks into full effect and I start to really read into whether or not the guy actually likes me. If I HAVEN'T slept with him, I am far less likely to actually really care what he thinks of me and I am much more open about my feelings and opinions.

 

Let's face it, most dating situation fizzle within 5-7 dates... they just do. You figure out there's not much there, and you move on. If you've slept with the person, you might start to wonder if it's something you did. But usually the relationship just ran in its course. If you keep from sleeping with him, you can move on knowing you didn't **** it up (you didn't **** it up in either instance, fyi)

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Sex has nothing to do with anything. When you meet a guy, he has a motive. You don't know what that motive is.

 

If the motive is LTR, then you can have sex now, or later, as long as you don't making him wait past his threshold, it'll happen.

 

If the motive is hump and dump, then obviously after sex he'll bail. Keeping him dangling for six months won't change anything. He'll just sleep with other women while he waits for your shell to crack.

 

Men face the same issue too. We don't know what a woman's motives are. Same boat.

 

So the trick is motive determination. I don't have a good answer for that. Men fall for the wrong women as often as women fall for the wrong men.

 

And on top of all these motive guessing, sometimes people just genuinely change their minds. In fact, women seem to do that more often than men.

 

Generally, casual sex should be treated as just that - casual sex. If you had fun, then it was all good. Don't expect anything from it. If someone judges you because of casual sex, especially when they are right there having sex with you and being 50% responsible, then they are a hypocritical individual, and it's best to stay away from them. Bullet dodged.

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proseandpassion

The thing is.. and I am not saying it's impossible... but we women do not DO casual sex well. I say we don't do it well because we mistake the sexual act as intimacy. We feel an immediate closeness. Of course there are instances when that does NOT happen, and certain people are better at it than others, but overall that is the trend.

 

The expectation, sadly, is that men usually bounce after getting laid. I know you guys say otherwise, but that's the trend. And like I said upthread, that's usually just the relationship running its course. But if we "crack" too soon, we tend to blame ourselves if nothing comes of it. Which is just ridiculous. If you want to sleep with someone, go ahead and sleep with them. But sometimes the anxiety and the worry just isn't worth it! I always hold out on sleeping with someone. I just don't want to. I have trouble feeling comfortable with someone. Most times the relationship fizzles before I can even sleep with them, and I've neither gained or lost anything.

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Ninjainpajamas

The problem with having sex with men too early on Is not because it would increase/decrease your chances for a relationship in theory because of the sex itself, but because you'll find out his motivation in due time as men looking to get laid flip and hour glass unless their options are minimal and then they keep you on the side and just ride it out. But if you're smart you'll be able to ask the right questions and find out about this guy.

 

Men are typically horrible liars, women have pretty good instincts and a great memory of what men say where men say things in the moment and will likely slip up or contradict themselves because they forgot what they said...men will put their own foot in their own @ss If you give it time. So waiting for sex is essentially figuring out the man, understanding where he is emotionally and getting a gauge of where he stands by reading between the lines...it does you no good to wait just for the sake of waiting If you're not trying to read the guy, If you're just "going with the flow" and "seeing what happens" then a man can easily use that to his advantage since you are completely passive.

 

If you met a guy who was looking for a relationship and happened to sleep with him on the first date then that could last or be long-term potentially, but you're rolling the dice and more often than not you'd just be a piece of @ss. Most guys will lie, especially in the beginning so that your judgment of them is more in their favor or where they want it to be, the majority of men are anything but honest that's why it's important to ask questions and use your intuition...women are smart, they just become dumb with their emotions and how much they like a guy and they want to overlook those flags.

 

However men do determine their level respect for women early on...so the "easier" you are, the more willing you are to put out can definitely change the opinion of a man....in theory everyone should be judged equally with balanced investment and commitment, but If you know anything men and listen to them you'll realize that there is definitely a double standards...men feel it's ok to get laid with as many women as they want, but they expect women to be uptight or give some difficulty/resistance or they'll just chalk you up to "that type of girl". Not many guys are going to openly admit that, I would expect most men to say they either don't care or they don't judge but personally that's not what I think is true, any guy that really cares and wants something long-term is going to be at the very least curious to whether you're the kind of girl that gets around or not. If they don't want anything serious or they see you as a temporary thing, they won't give a **** because they're just using the vagina in the same way it doesn't matter to them.

 

Casual sex doesn't have to be a sin, but both people have to be on the same page and communicate with each other on their expectations and intentions...often men want casual sex with women who are relationship material because they want a better "quality" then the girl at the club who's vagina is hanging out and she sloshed over from tequilla shots...men have an ego, they want to feel like they conquered and achieved something, it's how many men develop their pride...that's why they go for the "good girls", but some also could care less...it just depends on the values, morals and raunchyness of that particular man because it's kind of the same thing any way you slice...some people just think one thing is better than another so they can feel better about themselves.

 

Bottom line..he's 24 and out of a relationship...you're 21 and just for fun, not something long-term...that shows through his interest level and actions...not words. The majority of guys you run into are going to be after your vagina, the guys that are the good guys you probably won't be attracted or interested in...so you determine how easily you're going to give it out or not. What you'll get and see as "romance" and "intimacy" from guys will just be that initial interest of wanting to have sex with you, but this will be quite typically or they won't even get back to you but he clearly just wants you as a FWB to me.

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It seems like a Catch 22 situation.

 

I recently had sex with a guy for the first time after our third meeting. I'm 21 and he's 24. We met two months ago, shared a kiss and swapped numbers. He let me know early on that he has recently broken up with a girl he had been going out with for a year.

OK, let me get this straight.

 

The first time you met him, you kissed.

 

The third time you met up, you had sex.

 

Am I the only person here who thinks things happened extremely fast?

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And about this guy...

 

 

Secondly, girls like you need to learn you cant have it both ways. You cant say you want something casual, and then backtrack and act like a guy "manipulated" you or say how you felt you had sex too soon. Its casual dating, it happens, and its what you both wanted. Either you want to casual date or you dont.

 

Casual doesn't have to mean disrespectful. I didn't want to be his girlfriend, I just wanted him to be real with me, and mean what he said. So if he's going to tell me he likes me, I'd like that to be true, or don't bother. Why does casual daring have to include ploys to get me into bed? Casual dating is all about having fun, and it's not fun to be basically lied to.

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todreaminblue
It seems like a Catch 22 situation.

 

I recently had sex with a guy for the first time after our third meeting. I'm 21 and he's 24. We met two months ago, shared a kiss and swapped numbers. He let me know early on that he has recently broken up with a girl he had been going out with for a year.

 

We have been talking through text and on Facebook since we met, and we seemed to connect. We tried to meet up a few different times over that period but something always got in the way. Then we met up a week ago, kissed some more and got on well. A few days after that he asked me on a date, which lasted all day and into the night and was a lot of fun. We clicked and had a good laugh. He even told me he liked me a lot and that he found me funny and interesting, and he seemed sincere.

 

We went back to my house where the kissing escalated a bit and we ended up in bed. At first I stopped it going as far as sex, which he seemed fine with. But then I kind of gave in :o and we had sex, and again in the morning.

 

He seemed surprised at what had happened. He said he was not expecting anything more than a goodnight kiss. I kind of got the impression that to him, I had acted in an unusual way. He texted me when he got home to say thanks for the date and that he had fun.

 

Later I tried to engage him on Facebook chat but he didn't seem keen so I stopped. The day after he did talk to me, asking me whether I would be out that night, and I said no. So I was kind of shocked when I woke up the next morning and he had texted me the simple phrase "booty call" at 3 a.m. Now, we joke around a lot and it COULD have been a joke. But he hasn't contacted me since then (3 days ago) to clarify that.

 

I'm not heartbroken or anything. The fact that he has recently broken up with someone meant that I was never looking at having a serious relationship with him. I wanted something casual all along, but I did want it to be based on respect. I'm just curious now about whether sex was his sole goal all along and the "I like you" speech was just manipulation, or if he did genuinely like me until I "put out" too soon, which turned him off. Or if the chase was over, blah blah.

 

It's hard to know whether you should "test" a guy, by giving in to sex early on and see if he sticks around, or if this is pointless because he'll only give you a chance if you hold out anyway?

 

No judgement's like "wait until you get married" please.

 

 

I think casual sex between two consenting adults is natural whenever it happens......I think it makes it alot easier if you both know where you stand before you do have sex though..that it is decisive instead of indecisive.....like you being unsure to begin with....thats when you tak etime to make a firm decision together....that's maturity and respect..

 

If someone isn't truthful or gives mixed signals then someone else is left wondering which defeats the purpose of casual sex....which is to find enjoyment and move on....all sex has boundaries you push them or you don't.....maturity and respect begins begins before you do it and that is in being open and honest about "where do we go after"......good luck.....the booty call at three am in the morning and no explanation after... is him telling you what to expect..and it may be meant with no disrespect intended..good luck.....deb

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