People who aren't married, but treat themselves as married

[irc333]

Lately, I'm noticing people who have had long term engagements or had been living together for a while, and referring to themselves "wife" or "husband", when they aren't really married at all.

 

Why is this?

[denise_xo]

I've encountered that frequently. I guess it is the most accurate phrase in terms of signalling what kind of relationship they are in commitment-wise. Boyfriend/ girlfriend seems like a different kind of relationship, 'partner' can seem a bit formal. Many language have a word that denotes the 'living together in a LTR/commited relationship' which can be used instead of husband/wife for those who are not married, but English doesn't seem to have an equivalent word.

[Woggle]

Even though I am married I don't think people need a piece of paper to be committed. Just look at the divorce rate. I think maybe getting the courts, lawyers and all the other crap out of marriage would be good. If a people truly are don't for the long haul with their partner a wedding doesn't make one bit of difference.

[irc333]

Even though I am married I don't think people need a piece of paper to be committed. Just look at the divorce rate. I think maybe getting the courts, lawyers and all the other crap out of marriage would be good. If a people truly are don't for the long haul with their partner a wedding doesn't make one bit of difference.

 

Yeah, but I think some single people are more likely to make a move on someone that's NOT married than someone who is. They think that, if they aren't married...they're still single and thus, might make an attempt at that person or tend to "orbit" so-to-speak...when the going gets tough and it's easy to just take a hike out of the relationship and into the new person's life.

 

I don't even bother with separated women, because they're still considered married.

 

Funny, though, how people say "You don't need a piece of paper to say that you're married, but more people are demanding on signing the divorce papers to continue seeing OTHER people."

[Woggle]

Yeah, but I think some single people are more likely to make a move on someone that's NOT married than someone who is. They think that, if they aren't married...they're still single and thus, might make an attempt at that person or tend to "orbit" so-to-speak...when the going gets tough and it's easy to just take a hike out of the relationship and into the new person's life.

 

Being married doesn't stop people from making a move. In fact sometimes a wedding attracts a person more. The legal aspect of marriage these days is doing nothing whatsoever to protect the institution.

[irc333]

People can say, "You don't need a piece of paper in order to be married", but can one say the same for the reverse?

 

"You don't need a piece of paper to say that you're single" ...either?

[irc333]

Being married doesn't stop people from making a move. In fact sometimes a wedding attracts a person more. The legal aspect of marriage these days is doing nothing whatsoever to protect the institution.

 

 

Yeah, but the marriage carries more weight, I hear about how men got physically violent or even murderous towards the "other man". It's a state of mind of the people involved.

 

It's a big blow to the man's ego if his wife cheats on him, but not as seemingly bad if his girlfriend cheats.

[Woggle]

People can say, "You don't need a piece of paper in order to be married", but can one say the same for the reverse?

 

"You don't need a piece of paper to say that you're single" ...either?

 

There is no piece of paper saying you are single.

[irc333]

There is no piece of paper saying you are single.

 

 

Well, I meant to say divorced, one in the same basically.

[FitChick]

Many people don't realize that in the US even if you've been together unmarried for years and own property jointly, if one person were in an accident or got a terminal illness, their partner would have no say over the type of medical treatment they'd receive or if doctors wanted to "pull the plug" or not. A family member, even one they hated or hadn't seen in years, would have that privilege. That is the reason Sandra Bullock gave for marrying Jesse, after he'd been in a bad accident.

[Radu]

Even though I am married I don't think people need a piece of paper to be committed. Just look at the divorce rate. I think maybe getting the courts, lawyers and all the other crap out of marriage would be good. If a people truly are don't for the long haul with their partner a wedding doesn't make one bit of difference.

 

A wedding can protect you through a pre-nup.

Can a common law marriage ?

[Pyro]

Lately, I'm noticing people who have had long term engagements or had been living together for a while, and referring to themselves "wife" or "husband", when they aren't really married at all.

 

Why is this?

 

good question. I have yet to hear of such thing.

[pink_sugar]

Yeah I honestly cannot stand it. It's the same thing as women who are not married speaking of their "mother in law". Let's get real. You're not married and even though you had a baby with your boyfriend, you don't have a mother-in-law. I've heard of this a lot. If you want those entitlements, get married. Not pretend you're married.

[Woggle]

What if they consider themselves married but not legally. As far as I am concerned she was wife before we made it legal. The courts do more harm than good IMO.

[Pyro]

What if they consider themselves married but not legally.

 

Then it's a committed relationship....nothing more and nothing less.

[pink_sugar]

I think it's great you're both committed. My husband and I felt as committed as we do now as we did before our marriage. But in the reality, you are just treated as live-ins, boyfriend and girlfriend. Experienced it first hand. My husband's brother and wife were treated much differently as married couple before we were married. It's unfair, but it's reality.

[carhill]

Lately, I'm noticing people who have had long term engagements or had been living together for a while, and referring to themselves "wife" or "husband", when they aren't really married at all.

 

Why is this?

They've decided that's how they wish to describe their social union.

[melodymatters]

When my husband developed epilepsy and then died from it, I was SO grateful that we were married. While obviously it was the most horrible time in my life, I got to BE THERE for Mike in ways I couldn't have had we not had " that piece of paper"

 

His family was wretched, did nothing for him, and hated my guts for no discernible reason ( as I was the one who financially supported him, spent half my life in a hospital etc) when they couldn't be bothered to drive 45 minutes to see him.

 

I know they would not have let me in the hospital room, let me have any say in his medical treatments and I surely wouldn't have even been invited to his funeral.

 

This is just one really tragic reason for marriage, but it's a very serious one, and a main reason gays want the right to marry.

 

Personally, I will make more sacrifices for a "husband" than I would for a "boyfriend", right or wrong, that is how I feel. I feel marriage is a higher level of commitment, as it announces to the world, families and friends : This person is now my family, so you better treat them as such.

 

Being Italian I am VERY big on family and if we are going to combine our hearts, souls, lives, bodies, than we should do it 100% and become FAMILY.

[Els]

It really depends on the country and culture as to whether or not a marriage is treated any differently from a live-in partnership. In the USA, I believe it is. In some parts of Europe and Aus/NZ, de facto partnerships are considered equal, or almost completely equal, to a marriage in terms of legality, and oftentimes even socially.

 

That being said, I don't see why anyone would want to call themselves married when they aren't - but does it really matter?

[dreamingoftigers]

It's so common up here - and it really annoys me.

 

I do not have a wedding band, but I am legally married.

 

After I got married everyone who doesn't know me well just assumes I am speaking about my common-law "hubby."

 

I consider it tasteless that people who just go from live-in to live-in call each other "hubby" and "wifey."

 

I think it is rather classless. Why would you want to present being married when you have no desire to truly commit? And if you are truly committed then why not get the piece of paper? Why not make it a real thing with all of the joining, risks and rewards attached?

[veggirl]

It really bugs me tbh when people do that. You aren't married--if you want to be considered married and you want to call yourself married, THEN GET MARRIED. I've never seen a guy refer to his girlfriend as his wife but have seen LOTS of girls refer to their boyfriend as "hubby" or husband.

 

If marriage is "just a piece of paper" (don't even get me started on people who say that lol) why feel the need to call yourself married? You should be fine with "life partner" or whatever. If you're not married, you're not married...call a spade a spade!

[RiverRunning]

I never referred to myself as anybody's wife. I still use 'boyfriend' and I'm engaged. I just think the entire concept is stupid. If you want to be "husband and wife," get married. Otherwise, the cutesy little nicknames are annoying.

 

And sometimes, confusing. I've asked, a few times, "Oh, did you guys get married?" Then one or both stare at me like I'm the idiot and say, "No." Then it's awkward. Sorry, I don't know you that well and if I knew you were previously not married, and now you're calling each other that, excuse me for assuming.

 

Getting engaged has a HUGE impact on how you're treated. We were together so long that by the time we got engaged, it felt cartoony and long overdue (the anticipation had dried up, basically).

 

My boyfriend's family kind of treated me as disposable, purposely leaving me out of pictures. Occasionally, they would bother to get a picture of us together, but the intent was clear: "We don't want her in our pictures because we don't know if she's sticking around," and that was after years together.

 

Suddenly we got engaged and now we're "all family," I'm included in pictures, I'm called "sister" by his sister (creepy), etc.

 

And I do feel differently now that I'm engaged than I ever did before. Part of that is because I now have more of a solid commitment from him - he sees me in his future, we're going to get married, we will build a family together. Boyfriend/girlfriend is generally a short-term thing: you either move onto more progressive stages, or you break up.

 

We got a lot of verbally abusive treatment from people too when we moved in together sans marriage or engagement. Moreso his family. It was amusing when people outside of his family would meet us...it was like his family was struggling to hide the fact that we weren't married.

 

His mother and grandmother also had the brilliant idea that they were going to hide our living arrangement from my boyfriend's grandfather. I was furious. It was our news to share and I was not going to tolerate them getting pissed at me if I made the mistake of saying, "Our cat...". No way was I going to have my own life, and my own news to share, controlled by somebody else. My boyfriend agreed and told them, and they softened their stance and told him.

 

Oddly enough, he was the most tolerant out of the whole group. He made a few comments, which his grandmother then felt the need to share with us. I had to get a good laugh out of how they thought I would actually care to hear that his grandfather didn't agree. Big surprise. As though by telling us, or by specifically telling me, I would relent and we wouldn't live together.

 

But it's all cool and okay now because we're getting married. I can't change the world, unfortunately, but it's definitely annoying how relationships that aren't the conventional married sort are regarded.

 

I still don't treat myself as married and will not until I'm married. I have grown progressively more committed through the stages of our relationship.

[EasyHeart]

"You don't need a piece of paper to say that you're single" ...either?

You do if you're getting a divorce!!!

 

For unmarried people living together, at some point the actual marriage becomes a formality. Especially if you're just waiting or working on logistics for the marriage, eg waiting to finish school, coordinating when all the families can make it to the wedding, figuring out a date that works for the ceremony and honeymoon, etc. Weddings can become a huge production.

[veggirl]

You do if you're getting a divorce!!!

 

For unmarried people living together, at some point the actual marriage becomes a formality. Especially if you're just waiting or working on logistics for the marriage, eg waiting to finish school, coordinating when all the families can make it to the wedding, figuring out a date that works for the ceremony and honeymoon, etc. Weddings can become a huge production.

 

Sure but you can very easily get married without the production of a wedding.

[Ami1uwant]

Many people don't realize that in the US even if you've been together unmarried for years and own property jointly, if one person were in an accident or got a terminal illness, their partner would have no say over the type of medical treatment they'd receive or if doctors wanted to "pull the plug" or not. A family member, even one they hated or hadn't seen in years, would have that privilege. That is the reason Sandra Bullock gave for marrying Jesse, after he'd been in a bad accident.

 

It depends on the state you live in.....some states have what are called common law marriages which means if you live in the sam reseidence for 7 tears you are effectivly married for the purposes of inheritence et all.