Could you give someone a shot after theyve shot you down in the past?

[kaylan]

Well could you? I feel like I couldnt...like my pride wouldnt let me. Also I feel resentment towards someone who rejects me and then has the gall to try and get with me at a later time. Let me share a past and current situation.

 

Last summer I had a coworker at a work study program, so we went to the same school as well. Anyways, from talking to her and mutual friends I knew she had a bad rep. She really wasnt much my type physically, but one night at the bar I decided to flirt and make a move on her. She wasnt receptive, so I left it at that.

 

However, 3 weeks later she tried hooking up with me, and was practically begging me to kiss her. It was rather annoying, but I just said I didnt think it was a good idea kus we were coworkers. In reality it was partly because I was offended that all of a sudden she thought she could have me...and it was also partly because I was smart enough not to sleep with someone whos admittedly slutty.

 

My current story is regarding a friend of mine. I put the moves on her a couple years back and nothing happened. She wasnt feeling it at the time, even though we have a lot of sexual talk and flirt a good bit. Weve always been really open with one another and talk to each other without any boundaries. Anyways, Ive been in a dry spell and so has she...and weve lamented over this. Im in a dry spell mainly because Im very cautious about hooking up...because stds and pregnancy are super scary. Shes the same way. And the sucky part is a relationship is the best way to have safe frequent sex, but Im not ready for one really.

 

Anyways we kinda joked about solving our problem together and weve been flirty. Shes said some really suggestive stuff too. I mean, Im attracted to her, I trust her enough to know itd be safe and fun, and I know thered be no drama with feelings since weve never seen each other that way...But I cant shake being bothered that she rejected me in the past.

 

In my eyes, when someone who rejected me tries to get with me in the future, I start thinking "how dare you". It makes me think "now you want me?...whats the problem?...no other options now?....why wasnt I good enough before?" I just dont like the idea of being someones consolation prize, even if its just a hook up that wont mean anything. I start thinking Im too good for them or such bs...and tbh it makes me start thinking of them negatively and telling myself I can find a chiller and hotter chick who wont make me some second effort last ditch choice later down the line.

 

What do you all think? I like that I can be a bit prideful when it comes to sex...but its kinda why I dont have as much fun as I could. But I just couldnt stomach allowing any chick to dictate sex in my life the way some other guys let them. I like knowing I want and love sex, but that I dont need it...get me? Like one reason Ill forgoe sex if I feel a chick isnt valuing me as much as she values herself. And a chick thinking she can cue up flirtations and crap after rejecting me in the past makes me feel like she puts herself on a level above me and that ill jump at the chance to get some tail =/

[InJest]

I would, but I'd treat it as a **** buddy situation, unless there was some big underlying life issue that was the reason for the rejection(brother just died or something like that).

 

Sounds like it's exactly what you should do in this situation. Have sex with her to get the stench of desperation off, so you can land another girl more easily.

[kaylan]

But what I am saying is that I dont get desperate for sex in a way that I might ignore my standards. Im attracted to her but my standards for respect are in the way. I kinda feel disrespected that sometimes chicks think they can come back and all of a sudden the guy is good enough. And willing to take any sex whenever its offered.

 

Its no different than how I wont drop my standards regarding looks or a girls reputation. I love and want sex, but I dont need it so much that Id be deseperate...feel me?

 

Its almost like I feel I wont really be satisfied if I did hook up with a chick after being shot down before. What good feeling could I get out of knowing I was just some second or third choice. It kinda kills the thrill of the conquest or the pride in knowing a chick is really into you.

[TheFinalWord]

Well could you? I feel like I couldnt...like my pride wouldnt let me. Also I feel resentment towards someone who rejects me and then has the gall to try and get with me at a later time. Let me share a past and current situation.

 

In my eyes, when someone who rejected me tries to get with me in the future, I start thinking "how dare you". It makes me think "now you want me?...whats the problem?...no other options now?....why wasnt I good enough before?" I just dont like the idea of being someones consolation prize, even if its just a hook up that wont mean anything. I start thinking Im too good for them or such bs...and tbh it makes me start thinking of them negatively and telling myself I can find a chiller and hotter chick who wont make me some second effort last ditch choice later down the line.

 

I'm the same way.

 

If a girl rejected me, and later wanted me, I would always feel I was her second option. Especially if she was with other guys after rejecting me. I've had it happen before.

 

At the time I didn't have any of it, but now I would probably give her a chance to explain what's so different that now she wants me. Probably more for ego reasons, than b/c I actually care ha I still doubt it would change my mind.

 

Still, I think you're dealing with an automatic trust issue from the get go...you weren't her first pick, what's to prevent from upgrading once you get with her?

 

By and large, my rule is I don't hold what you did before me against you, but if you turn me down and then date other guys? Yeah, not happening. The woman would have to be spectacular to even consider it.

[TheFinalWord]

Just to add to that,

 

Rejection is the biggest blow to one's ego.

 

Basically, that person is saying they do not want you on a romantic level; the most intimate part of who you are.

 

To come back from that is pretty difficult.

 

The only way I can deal with it is my faith. Believing that the person didn't reject me, but God was preventing me from making mistake.

 

Also, I think you can learn a lot from rejection and failed relationships. So I think you should try to see some positives from your interactions with this woman. But if it was meant to be, it would have happened already IMHO. Don't set yourself up for more emotional pain. Learn what you were supposed to learn from that circumstance and then move on.

[eleanorhurting]

Just to add to that,

 

Rejection is the biggest blow to one's ego.

 

Basically, that person is saying they do not want you on a romantic level; the most intimate part of who you are.

 

To come back from that is pretty difficult.

 

The only way I can deal with it is my faith. Believing that the person didn't reject me, but God was preventing me from making mistake.

 

Also, I think you can learn a lot from rejection and failed relationships. So I think you should try to see some positives from your interactions with this woman. But if it was meant to be, it would have happened already IMHO. Don't set yourself up for more emotional pain. Learn what you were supposed to learn from that circumstance and then move on.

 

So you thought she had a "bad rep", you still tried to make a move on her and when she rejected you then you resume to call her "slutty". That's nice.

 

to answer your question, no, I would not.

[InJest]

Kaylan, it was years ago. You've both changed as people. You should take her interest as a sign that you've grown into someone who is more attractive. I think you're being a bit too rigid, but that's a personal thing.

 

I'm not saying you're desperate for sex, but if you're discussing a dry spell then it's on your mind. You can't say that it's not easier to get a girl, regardless of your standards, if you've already got something going. You just can't argue that one.

 

Just treat it as sex and leave your emotions out of it. Let her think what she wants.

[tigressA]

I am in agreement with part of InJest's response--it would depend on how much time had passed. If it had been a year or more I would consider going for it because a lot can change in that amount of time. Otherwise, no.

[ThaWholigan]

I totally hear where you are coming from Kaylan. I've had the same concerns before.

 

I would say that personally, I think I would let it slide and go for it. Not because of desperation, but because I don't see why not when I think about it, unless it was some brutal ridiculous rude rejection.

[eleanorhurting]

oops. I meant to quote Kaylan not Thefinalword

[kaylan]

Kaylan, it was years ago. You've both changed as people. You should take her interest as a sign that you've grown into someone who is more attractive. I think you're being a bit too rigid, but that's a personal thing.

 

I'm not saying you're desperate for sex, but if you're discussing a dry spell then it's on your mind. You can't say that it's not easier to get a girl, regardless of your standards, if you've already got something going. You just can't argue that one.

 

Just treat it as sex and leave your emotions out of it. Let her think what she wants.

The move I made was a couple years back, but her behavior towards me still carried that "i know you want me mentality" since then. It came out with the way shed kid around with me, and that kinda turned me off. Like I said, I hate women who feel they can dictate sex, but I do know men jumping at any sex they can get is the reason women feel they control sex.

[kaylan]

So you thought she had a "bad rep", you still tried to make a move on her and when she rejected you then you resume to call her "slutty". That's nice.

 

to answer your question, no, I would not.

Oh no, I felt she was slutty from the get go. And when i met her I told myself I could def do better and to stay away from her and her sorority sisters. Like I said, I made a move one night at the bar (obv drinking some). If anything I would have stopped before sex got to happen because I was iffy about her in the first place. Last girl I hooked up with recently stopped before sex because I didnt know her well. Im just really cautious about nasties getting on my little guy.

 

The funniest part is she immaturely unfriended me on facebook after I turned her down. Thats not the worst a girls done to me when I rejected her, but its one of my experiences that shows me women cannot handle rejection well at all. They always seem to overreact when they encounter a guy whos not ready to take what their offering. I really do wish more women would learn that not every dude is game for a hookup whenever they offer it.

Edited June 17, 2012 by kaylan

[gaius]

I don't know. I get your raw emotions, but at the end of the day who's really with the partner they wanted most in the world? Not many. Most of us are consolation prizes, even if your advances get accepted on the first try. Because the people we wanted even more are taken/unavailable to meet our needs/drove us bonkers. Doesn't mean they can't value us and we them. It's just something you have to get over or you're probably going to be alone.

 

I ran into a girl I knew in HS who was always nice to me but wasn't interested in dating, she had changed her mind. I went with it and am glad I did, it was a good experience while it lasted.

[El Brujo]

I never would. In fact, I wouldn't even give them a light if my house was on fire.

[somedude81]

Yes, but only if she apologized for rejecting me and told me that she wasn't going to play any games.

[InJest]

The move I made was a couple years back, but her behavior towards me still carried that "i know you want me mentality" since then. It came out with the way shed kid around with me, and that kinda turned me off. Like I said, I hate women who feel they can dictate sex, but I do know men jumping at any sex they can get is the reason women feel they control sex.

 

If this is the case, then why are you even friends with her?

 

You should have sex with her, but don't initiate anything after that. Make her initiate everything, and deny her once or twice while you're at it. Knock her off the high horse.

[JohnP82]

No. I think mainly because of ego.

Edited June 17, 2012 by JohnP82

[carhill]

What do you all think?

 

A clear rejection, save for one predicated upon the person being married/LTR, returns them to the nether, forever.

[yankees51988]

Dude I feel exactly the same. There was this pretty hot girl I was kinda friends with that is known for being quite a slut and hooked up with some of my friends, but we hit it off right off the bat and started hanging out a lot. She had a boyfriend but they were on the rocks and about to break up, yet she definitely has cheated on him a bit. So we would hang out a lot and always go out drinking and she would hit me up every day trying to hang out and we'd always flirt a lot or just talk sex and tease each other about ****ing one another. Anyways one night I tried hooking up with her and she didn't but then I found out she hung out with some other dude that night so after that my ego was like Heeeelllllll no!!! Anyway probly like two weeks later we were at her friends who I had hooked up with previously but she doesn't know and she was all cuddling up with me and rubbing my arm and stomach and was like "you should **** me" but I just said you wish. I'd still flirt a little but no way was I going to sleep with a girl after she denied me and hung out with some other dude. Then we slowly stopped talking and again a couple months later ran into her and she was trying again.

 

Long story short- FUUUUCCCKK THAT! Sex is great and she would have been great friendly no-strings attached fun but once she turned me down no way was I letting her get it. Why should I let her just cause she's a girl? I don't care about the whole girls can get whatever they want thing, my ego isn't gunna just settle even if it is an easy lay. If I don't get it when I want it, then neither do you missy.

[ohmygoshistalk]

i dunno kaylan this kinda happened to me in the past.

 

this guy i know, he knew i liked him and he was nice to me, i mean i dont know if he liked me or was just being polite. i cant really tell.

 

reason for that is that it seemed he was flirting w/ a lot of girls. so i didnt believe i was a special snowflake. i figured he just did that to everyone.

 

then there was a girl who liked him, and he liked her a lot. maybe due to the fact she flirted w/ a lot of guys and to me it seemed he enjoyed having competition. he spent a lot of time with her and we no longer spoke. it hurt a lot though. i remember one night ..feeling very sad seeing them together.

 

then out of the blue he tells me he found out she had 2-3 other bf's, and that i was "right" (i knew she had other bfs and tried to warn him but of course..).

 

now i dont believe him anymore if he flirts me . everything he tells me..i do not believe. nothing. we're friends though. i still really do like him but there is nothing he can do or say that would make me believe. i think it was due to a wound that healed over and there is a scar or something. i dont mean to be corny but thats how it feels.

 

there is a thing as "integrity". you lose it if you're not careful.

 

also if the person didnt reciprocate affections early on..it might mean a big big thing that could impact your overall relationship (if ever it will even begin).

Edited June 17, 2012 by ohmygoshistalk

[Emilia]

I've never been shot down as such but I always move on when I feel the other person isn't sufficiently interested. Second chances don't come up.

[Jane2011]

To answer the question very, very generally, yes, I think I could get past it. But it would have to be a case of the guy really, really compensating in behavior and attitude for the past. Or that he was never a jerk in the first place; he just wasn't in a place to become involved with me. Not to mention there would have to be good and understandable reasons for why the past was even the way it was (the rejection).

 

People do have emotional shifts. People are in different places at different times.

 

I've had some strange shifts in the past two years. There are at least two guys I got involved with in 2010 (who I was really, really into) who I wouldn't want now. And that was just two years ago. If one of those guys came to me now, I'd likely be lukewarm. I might even reject. But another two years could pass, and I might be in a different place yet again.

 

My older sister has told me that the whole "I wasn't in the right place" situation happened to her a bunch of times in her 20s. Guys coming back to her wanting her BADLY -- and sincerely -- even though they weren't "there" before. Or sometimes that she was the person who didn't want someone at first, but sincerely did later. Timing is off sometimes.

 

I'll admit that sometimes it's just a case of "couldn't find anyone better so I'm back to you," but I think it's sometimes about emotional place, too.

Edited June 17, 2012 by Jane2011

[Princess71]

That's interesting. I always looked at the excuse that "I am not in the right place" or " we are in different places in our lives" or even " I'm not ready for a relationship emotionally" to be B. S. just an excuse to reject politely. But it's interesting to see that some people really buy it.

[RedRobin]

Kaylan,

 

It's not clear to me what you are looking for in either of these situations.

 

My concern when men have rejected me in the past, and then decided they are later interested... is that they really weren't all that attracted to me in the first place and they want to use me as a placeholder.

 

As I've gotten older... and actually have gotten to know the men that I've either rejected or rejected me... I realize it isn't that straightforward.

 

I've rejected men due to things that had absolutely nothing to do with them... maybe work was crazy... or I didn't feel emotionally ready for whatever reason.

 

I'm sure it is the same way with some of the guys who have rejected me.

 

This is especially true for people who aren't out having sex just to have sex.. the ones who aren't going to be intimate with anyone they aren't in a relationship with. We don't take things like this lightly... AND some of us actually care and think about the well-being of the other person too.

 

So, long story short... if you are concerned, you might ask her why she wasn't interested before, since you know her so well.

[fortyninethousand322]

Well could you? I feel like I couldnt...like my pride wouldnt let me. Also I feel resentment towards someone who rejects me and then has the gall to try and get with me at a later time.

 

I don't know about resentment. But I feel like she would have probably had a good reason to reject me the first time and that reason isn't likely to have gone away by the time she "decides" to want to date me. More likely, a woman like that got desperate. I'm not really into desperate people.