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Should I just resign myself to the fact that whatever it was is over?


dsbs39

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I met a guy last month, let's call him "X"--we emailed it each other quite a bit for about two weeks and then finally met up in late January. I think the first date went pretty well because right before we said goodbye he asked if I wanted to get together again, and in fact, the day after our first date we got together again. The second date seemed to go even better, I was less nervous that I had been on my first date with him, and at the end of the second date, we hugged and we also kissed for the first time, no making out, bear in mind, just I nice smooch. He then asked if I wanted to get together again--I agreed.

 

Now, bear in mind, he travels frequently for his job, usually every other week and he has his kids (he is divorced) every other weekend. My work schedule is kinda difficult too, so by the time we got together for our third date, it had been seventeen days (yeah, I'm a dweeb and kept count of how many days we had been apart). During that period we were apart I would usually email him about every two or three days to just chat and drop a line. He would always reply. I asked him in one of these emails if he wanted to get together on a certain day--he said that was fine, and proposed we go somewhere for dinner and asked if I had any suggestions. I proposed a number of interesting restaurants and he proposed we go to one.

 

When I touched base with him two days before our third date he told me that while he wanted to get together he admitted he probably wasn't going to be much fun because a friend-colleague of his had died a sudden death--he hadn't been sick before, his friend was quite young..now looking back, I'm kinda wondering if maybe I should have asked him if he wanted to cancel the date, but I didn't--I made the plans for the date, including the dinner reservations.

After I emailed him with this information he sent me a message saying he would like to meet up earlier, but I actually called him and said that the earliest reservation would be later than what he hoped for, and if that was a problem maybe we could do something else...he said no problem and we met up.

 

After finishing dinner, he said he had to head back home because he had to be up early for the funeral which started about 10am, so our date lasted for about an hour and a half! Before we parted, we gave each other a hug and I went to kiss him and he turned his cheek so I kissed his cheek instead of on his lips--that also happened when I greeted him when he came into the restaurant. The conversation was also a little bit akward...I'm wondering if he is not interested in me anymore or how much of it had to do with this colleague, who, while we were having dinner, he talked about and admitted that he had only known this guy for about a year. Also, when we parted, he never mentioned anything about getting together again.

 

I emailed him about a day later thanking him for dinner, and wrote that while we spent a short time together, I still enjoyed meeting up with him. At the end of the email I wrote that if he is interested in getting together again he should give me a call.

He wrote back the following day saying that he too enjoyed dinner with me and said that after the funeral he went out with a bunch of friends from the funeral (he made it a point to say it was a coed bunch) and drank for about ten hours. At the very end of the note, he said that he would be traveling this week and next and never said anything about getting together. I'm not sure how to feel about the signals this guy is sending me, it is true, we have only been on a few dates, and nothing got out of hand, but is it wrong for me to think that if he wants to get together again than he should be the one to reach out this time, and if he doesn't I should just forget it... I feel kinda sad because we seemed to hit it off so well, and there were many very nice qualities about him and then things just kinda peetered out, or am I being selfish in wanting him to be more cheery when he just went through this difficult time with his friend dying, or what. I seemed to be more upset a couple of days ago than I am now and my gut feeling is that if he does contact me, I will be surprised...after all, you can't force things if they are not meant to be, right. But I have to say, sometimes I get a bit p#$#$4 off when I guy makes the first move, woos you, and then drops you with no explanation.

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I'd leave the ball in his court.

 

am I being selfish in wanting him to be more cheery when he just went through this difficult time with his friend dying

 

Not so much selfish but perhaps unfair. The death of a friend, particularly one close in age to oneself, is bound to shake a person. He may even have been re-evaluating what he wants out of life, which may not be you.

 

I get a bit p#$#$4 off when I guy makes the first move, woos you, and then drops you with no explanation.

 

It's just that people can appear to be a good match until you learn more about them, and you can get along extremely well with someone who still may be unsuited as a potential mate. He may have already decided this about you - or maybe he's just busy. If I were you, I'd expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised if something otherwise happens.

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A friend dying has a huge effect on a person. I'm only 22 years old and I've had 3 friends die in the last 4 years. They were all my age. It has completely changed my perspective on life and what I want from it. I've taken a lot of time to think after each time someone passed away, because it is a huge loss in your life, especially when it is sudden. It is the worst way to lose somebody - when you don't expect it. I don't want to get into the whole talk about death, but my point is that you should definitely give this guy some time.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he's not interested at the moment in pursuing a relationship. Drinking for 10 hours with friends is a hefty sign that this friend was close and that he is definitely not thinking about dating right now. It takes some people a lot of time to get over a death, so give it some time and don't put all your eggs into this basket.

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There are some signs I sensed that perhaps he is not ready to seriously date or he is still getting over his wife and recovering from his divorce, or maybe even more, he is guilty of dating because of his kids, does this make any sense?... maybe I am overanalyzing the couple of comments he did make, and please tell me if I am, (moimeme I can just see you typing out an answer!) but a few stick out in my mind...

 

--when we finally met, (we had been chatting on line for about two weeks) one of the first things he said to me was, you are much lighter than you are in your photos (I didn't specifically ask if he meant lighter skinned or lighter colored hair) for some reason, must be the lighting or something but my hair and skin always looks darker in pics than it actually is--I am very fair skinned--I pointed this out to him and he said, that my colouring is very similar to his ex-wife--for some reason, that freaked me out...like, if ever a red flag would pop out, it did then...I am not usually a red-flag-freak-out-kind-of-girl--is he looking for someone that looks like his ex-wife?

 

on our last date, he wondered outloud that, if he died tomorrow, if his youngest daughter would remember him, she is only three years old.

 

He talked a lot about his kids on all our dates...especially the last date. I really did not mind it, he seems to adore them, and that is great (compared with my ex who had a love/hate thing with his two daughters and would sometimes just complain about how much money he had to send them for child support...) but after a while I started to get the creeps, to be completely honest. I felt like I was taking up his valuable time when he could have been with the kids, I felt like the other-women-leach...does this make sense?

 

It is so strange how I only knew him for a short time and he left such an impression on me, I am thinking about him less every day, but I miss him and I just so desperately want to know what it is that I did wrong...I want to go back in time and relive the moment on our second date, we he took me in his arms and kissed me....(man that was sappy! ugh!!!!)

 

I'm going to stop typing and thinking about this now..note to self-STOP OBSESSING ABOUT A GUY YOU KNEW FOR A LITTLE LESS THAN A MONTH!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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