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Controlling your feelings...?


lowthoughts

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lowthoughts

Just a heads up...this is going to be pretty lengthy. I'm going through a tough time in my relationship and really need some outside advice and I stumbled upon these boards....so hopefully someone will be able to give me some words of wisdom.

 

Anyways...my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 5 months now. We're seniors in college and have had our share of relationships before this one. We started out as friends and knew each other for a few years before we began dating.

 

Early on in our relationship, I knew this girl was special. Everything felt different than anything I've ever felt before. I was falling for her quickly and looking at everything now, this is my first time truly being in love. And before you criticize me, because I know you will, just know that the longer I waited, the more I couldn't contain myself anymore.

 

Yea, I dropped the "I love you" bomb just over a month into our relationship. I told her it was fine for her to not say it back until she was ready and she didn't. She waited about a month before she said it, only to take it back about 2 weeks later.

 

That hurt, but I told her it was ok and I wanted her to be ready to say it. She explained that she just wasn't ready yet and felt bad that I loved her. Also, she had been significantly hurt a little over a year ago when she thought she was in love with one of her ex's. She admitted to me that this has caused her put walls up and is scared of love, but also said she thinks that can change one day and those walls can be taken down.

 

Anyways, so it's now been about 4 months since I said I love you to her, but I never, ever pressure her about the subject or even bring it up. I never say I love you, nothing like that. A month ago we inadvertently got into a discussion about the topic and it wasn't fun, but we talked it out and ended up walking out just fine.

 

But Instead of dwelling on it, I just continue to treat her the best I possibly can and be the best boyfriend I can be. She claims she is happy and tells me that I'm the best boyfriend ever and that she is really lucky. Honestly, our relationship is very good on the surface and we have little to no issues. It's just underneath that I constantly wonder every day if she will love me one day. However, I don't let it bother me, and if it does I hide it, and enjoy our relationship for what it is on that day.

 

This is all good and fine, but then an incident happened a few nights ago. We got into an argument that resulted in her threatening to break up with me, which obviously upset me and freaked me out. After some more discussion, she said the words, "I don't know why you are scared of losing me."

 

I told her I was confused because she knows how I feel about her (love) and obviously you are scared to lose anything in your life that you care that much about. It also hurt me because it made me feel that she doesn't care about me nearly as much as I care about her because she obviously wouldn't be scared of losing me if she said that.

 

It would only get worse, as she told me that "I care too much and it freaks her out". And then she added that I have to have the mindset that "nothing lasts forever" and "she wasn't that special" and that I needed to stop being "obsessive".

 

I can't even tell you how bad those words hurt. I ended up leaving her place, going home and losing it in tears, something I haven't done in a while. Let me be clear that I'm not "obsessed" with her. We each have our own lives, our own identities, and give each other space. And, like I said, I never pressure her about her feelings.

 

I really just don't think she understands/believes that I love her and how much I care about her. I want nothing but the best for her, treat her better than she ever could ask for, and would literally do anything for her. She claims to appreciate those things, but this makes me question if she really does.

 

She told me I need to learn to control my feelings and I said I guess she was right, but it was just hard because I've never felt this way before. (When to be honest, I think she needs to just learn to let go and allow herself to feel what she wants to feel on the inside)

 

I guess her words just made me feel like I'm just "there" in her life and not that special. Deep down, I know she's capable of feeling the same way about me and I think she wants to, but she won't let herself for fear of getting hurt. This is understandable, but I'm starting to wonder if she will ever let herself love me. After all, some of those words cut pretty deep and sounded as though maybe her past/walls are too much for even me to overcome. It's frustrating because I really can see a future with this girl after graduation in less than a year, but I fear that her inhibitions might hold her back and prevent that from ever being possible.

 

I don't know, I just know I'm hurt right now because I feel like I'm doing something wrong by caring for someone. I know my thoughts were pretty scattered...but if there's any words anyone has, I would greatly appreciate it...

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I'll tell you straight up that I am not here to try to make you feel better. I'm here to tell you what I think will help YOU in the long run. Not you + her. You need to stop thinking about "us" and starting thinking about YOU. I'll give you two primary bits of advice.

 

#1. "I don't know why you are scared of losing me." She thinks you're a huge wimp. She doesn't understand your attachment to her. In fact it's a huge turn off for her. Some women like guys who can talk about their feelings... if they have feelings for the guy. You are not that important to her. She doesn't want to hear this lovey dovey **** from you. All I can gather is that she enjoys the sex and enjoys hanging out in general, but does not see long term potential... she's never developed the feelings of attachment for you that you have for her. You appear obsessive because you are displaying a classic case of infatuation.

 

#2 No matter how special she makes you feel, she is not compatible with you in the long run. Period. You're going to need to recognize this fact. "I'm starting to wonder if she will ever let herself love me." The answer is no. You are wasting your time if that is what you are hoping. The reason I don't think you have a chance of making it with is that you are too far gone already. She obviously finds connections in a different way than you... whatever it is that you two are doing together that is causing you to develop attachment is not reciprocal for her. That is a sign that you are not compatible emotionally.

 

Ask yourself this... if she were to call you up today and say she wants to break up and to leave her alone and not talk to her for a few weeks, could you do it? I'm betting no. What if the roles were switched? I'm betting yes.

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Oxy Moronovich

Early on in our relationship, I knew this girl was special.

How the hell did you know that?

Yea, I dropped the "I love you" bomb just over a month into our relationship.

Too early to drop such a bomb on a chick. Plus, you never say "I love you" until she does.

I told her it was fine for her to not say it back until she was ready and she didn't. She waited about a month before she said it, only to take it back about 2 weeks later.

I thought you said you knew this chick was special. How can a chick be special than take back the "I love you" two weeks after saying it?

That hurt, but I told her it was ok and I wanted her to be ready to say it.

Bad move. It just establishes you're a doormat.

She explained that she just wasn't ready yet and felt bad that I loved her.

Ouch. So she said your love for her makes her feel horrible?

Also, she had been significantly hurt a little over a year ago when she thought she was in love with one of her ex's. She admitted to me that this has caused her put walls up and is scared of love, but also said she thinks that can change one day and those walls can be taken down.

Oh Lord. Another one of these "broken wing" broads. I can spot those broads a mile away. You're not supposed to get into relationships with these types. They're for easy sex and then forgotten.

I don't know, I just know I'm hurt right now because I feel like I'm doing something wrong by caring for someone. I know my thoughts were pretty scattered...but if there's any words anyone has, I would greatly appreciate it...

Here's my advice: ditch the broad or write, "I am a doormat" on your head.

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Sorry, you two aren't compatible. There is a severe imbalance of feelings, it is NOT obsession on your part, don't let her paint you with that selfishly just because she doesn't have any significant feelings for you. I know it's not the advice you wanted coming here, but the best thing you can do is break up with this one and move on. She has no respect or concern for you whatsoever, only likes having you around, is biding time. If you stay with her, one day you will hear, "I just don't feel it any more, we have always been friends more than anything," and then she will swiftly move to solidify a relationship with another guy you may have not even heard about. THAT is when the real pain starts. You are in pain preschool right now, diploma in hand. Walk out the door and on to other options. Good luck.

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You are in pain preschool right now, diploma in hand. Walk out the door and on to other options. Good luck.

 

This is exactly how I feel, OP. That's why I tried to be so straight up with you. The worst thing you can do is to try to drag things out with her and make it work. You're feeling slighted right now because she's not being reciprocal. You like her far too much to continue in that situation. You're right on that edge when she can see saw back and forth and use your love as a back scratcher and toss it in the corner when she doesn't need it... and you won't do a damned thing about it. She has plainly told you that your needs are not important to her. In fact, they don't even make sense to her. If you're asking questions right now, you can still cut your losses. You're not at that stage where you are arguing with guy friends and strangers as to why you should be with her yet...

 

If you're not getting what YOU want out of the relationship, and she is straight out telling you that you're not going to get it, you need to get out completely no matter how much it hurts right now. Otherwise you will probably lose a girlfriend and a friend as well.

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She told me I need to learn to control my feelings and I said I guess she was right, but it was just hard because I've never felt this way before. (When to be honest, I think she needs to just learn to let go and allow herself to feel what she wants to feel on the inside)
So concisely put. This is the essence of incompatible emotional styles. Do you see that? You're telling her, or wanting to tell her, how to feel and she's overtly telling you how to feel and they're nearly totally opposite ways of approaching interpersonal relationships from an emotional perspective.

 

Therein lies a good lesson. Pay attention to a woman's emotional style while you are 'friends'. That's who she is. She doesn't butter it up because she likes you. It's probably better to not be friends with women you might consider dating material but it happens. When it does, make use of it and learn.

 

Take some fatherly advice and move on. It is possible that you will have to adjust your emotional style if you wish relations with peer potentials. Read LS for more information on that dynamic. Good luck and welcome :)

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utterer of lies
...

 

She will never love you the way you want her to.

 

 

You can keep on waiting, but it's not going to change, you are just making yourself unhappy.

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lowthoughts

I appreciate everyone's advice, even if it was rather blunt and not what I wanted to hear. Thank you, really.

 

For everyone questioning her feelings and lack of love towards me, perhaps I should clarify. I know this doesn't mean anything, or at least doesn't mean a lot, but I have talked to her best friend about this matter in the past.

 

Her advice to me was to relax and take it one day at a time. She told me that my girlfriend has never had a guy as great as me and that she constantly tells her how lucky she is to have me. The friend added that my girlfriend really, really, really likes me and in fact she said she has no doubt in her mind that she actually loves me, but her friend believes that she won't let herself realize that for fear of being vulnerable. She also told me she understands my frustrations because my girlfriend is constantly talking with her about her feelings towards me.

 

In the end, this girl repeatedly stressed that I just need to give my girlfriend time for her to completely open up to me. I have believed this up through now, especially since we still have not been dating for all that long, but let's face it, anyone would drive themselves crazy every day wondering if the person they love will express love back to them one day.

 

And it's not like my girlfriend treats me like crap, she is very nice to me and shows that she cares about me. My family is going through a hard time and she has been there for me and surprised me with a nice present that made me smile a week or two ago. Also, aside from this recent incident, we hardly ever fight and really do enjoy being together. We have talked about the future and she does want to give long distance a shot should we still be together after graduation next year...and we have had hypothetical discussions of having a family one day. It's not like I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship or anything...I guess the worry of not knowing for sure whether or not she truly loves me just boils under the surface and has the potential to release in a fury of emotions, as it did the other night.

 

Maybe it's just me being optimistic and/or maybe I'm just blinded by my love for her, but I do honestly believe she can and will love me one day (or maybe I should say, realize she does) and we can have a future together. That might be crazy thinking, and I will admit it torments me on a daily basis pondering what might happen, but that's my thought process right now...

 

Feel free to punch me in the face with reality if you feel it's necessary

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Well only you know all the miniscule details of the day to day relationship, we only have a tiny slice of it here. In the end, as you know, it's not any anonymous strangers on the internet who are navigating this and have to make choices.

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