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Unaffectionate, Unemotional Men


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Has anyone dealt with unaffectionate, unemotional men in relationships? Care to discuss your experiences? Did the relationship last?

 

My ex was not affectionate or emotionally expressive, and it was the main element missing from our relationship for me. We would often sit on opposite ends of the couch and he never told me verbally how he felt about me (he said I should know since he had chosen to be with me). He also wasn’t considerate. If I was carrying heavy bags he wouldn’t offer to carry them (though he would take them if I asked). The last guy I dated was always concerned about how I felt. He would always do simple things like ask if I was hot and if I needed the air turned up. These simple gestures mean a lot to me and my ex didn’t do these.

 

Can someone learn to be affectionate, emotionally expressive, and considerate? Can someone learn to WANT to do these things?

 

My fear is that he could “learn,” but it would be done without feeling. It would be a deliberate decision, like he would think to himself, “Iris would like it if I put my arm around her, so I guess I should do it.” He wouldn’t, however, actually feel the desire to touch me.

 

My ex often felt like I was being critical of him when I tried to bring up this topic (ironic because he’s very critical). How should this subject be approached?

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TheSingleGuy

So, why did you dump the guy who was considerate of your feelings?

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Some people are the way they are unfortunately i dont think you can change them..I could never date someone whos unaffectionate and doesnt like to show or closeness and bond together physically..

 

The unemotional part could come form some men being afraid t oshow their emotions and soft sensitive side in fear that some women dont want to see that side of Men..

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How should this subject be approached?

 

With open-ended questions, accepting the answers or the silence as the person's truth.

 

If such is apparently incompatible and irreconcilable, accept that as well and act upon that information. If reconcilable, seek compromise.

 

I can say that divorce and my mom's death changed me emotionally. I'm far more closed now than historically in my life, probably closer to the level of most of my male friends. Not as 'girlie'. Interesting journey.

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So, why did you dump the guy who was considerate of your feelings?

 

He was completely unable to get himself or his life together. He had a drug problem, very little income, was in his 30s and lived like a frat boy.

 

He also didn't seem like he wanted to be in a committed relationship anyway (possibly because he knew he was a mess).

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I've never been with someone that didn't show affection is SOME way.

 

My current bf isn't totally verbal (like a lot of other guys I've been with), but he sure as hell shows that he cares with his actions and with the way he treats me.

 

Sorry, but I've never been with someone that didn't show it in any way.

 

Some guys are more expressive verbally, and more timid physically, or more hesitant with their actions.

 

Some show it mostly through actions and physical connection but aren't so verbally expressive.

 

It threw me off a little bit at first, the way my current boyfriend is because I was normally used to a lot of verbal expression, but honestly, I'd rather have actions that just words.

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Well the guy you are speaking of sounds like a total freakin mess and a major loser. I'm baffled you stayed with him at all.

 

I have never been with a guy who was unaffectionate and whatnot. I would view that as a sign of incompatibility and leave, early.

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With open-ended questions, accepting the answers or the silence as the person's truth.

 

If such is apparently incompatible and irreconcilable, accept that as well and act upon that information. If reconcilable, seek compromise.

 

I can say that divorce and my mom's death changed me emotionally. I'm far more closed now than historically in my life, probably closer to the level of most of my male friends. Not as 'girlie'. Interesting journey.

 

What kind of questions should be asked?

 

I used to try to avoid any "You do or you don't do" kind of statements. I'd begin with "I need more...." It didn't go over well. It typically led to an argument or him shutting down.

 

Why are you with Mr Unemotive? What's the payoff ?

 

I'm not with him, but I think he'd like to be back together.

 

The payoff was he was brilliant, creative, and we always had good conversation. He always made me think. He was devoted to the relationship in his own way. I completely trusted him. And, of course, I was attracted to him.

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Well, different people have different ways of expressing emotion and affection/love, IMO. Take my granddad, for example. Traditional stoic Asian guy, never a word of verbal affection towards his wife or his children. But when he'd started courting my grandmother, it was considered a luxury in their village to have a water pipe attached to your house, instead of having to queue up at the village pipe to haul heavy buckets back to your house. His house had no pipe and he had only money for one, and he installed it for her. That's definitely love, and she retells that story to this day. ;)

 

That being said, if someone finds themselves incompatible with their partner's method of showing affection, it may be worth finding a compromise (one partner tries to show it in another way more often, and the other partner tries to appreciate their partner's natural methods more) if both people really want to. If both find themselves perpetually unhappy despite having tried, then perhaps they may consider parting ways.

 

If the person does not seem to express love/affection/emotion in any way at all, I don't see a point in being in a R with them.

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Well, different people have different ways of expressing emotion and affection/love, IMO. Take my granddad, for example. Traditional stoic Asian guy, never a word of verbal affection towards his wife or his children. But when he'd started courting my grandmother, it was considered a luxury in their village to have a water pipe attached to your house, instead of having to queue up at the village pipe to haul heavy buckets back to your house. His house had no pipe and he had only money for one, and he installed it for her. That's definitely love, and she retells that story to this day. ;)

 

That being said, if someone finds themselves incompatible with their partner's method of showing affection, it may be worth finding a compromise (one partner tries to show it in another way more often, and the other partner tries to appreciate their partner's natural methods more) if both people really want to. If both find themselves perpetually unhappy despite having tried, then perhaps they may consider parting ways.

 

If the person does not seem to express love/affection/emotion in any way at all, I don't see a point in being in a R with them.

 

Cute story. :) I agree that people show love in different ways.

 

I also agree with the bolded, but do you think a person can change?

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If they are not showing love in any way at all, I don't think they can, tbh, or at least it will not be a process worth enduring. What are we in relationships for, if not love? (I know the trolls are going to come in and say sex, but meh :p) I can live in a R knowing that we express our love in different ways and that we will need time to fully appreciate each others'. I can't live in an R not seeing a shred of evidence of love/affection at all.

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threebyfate

iris, your two exes sound like polar extremes where most guys fall somewhere in between. Give it some time and instead of looking to change guys or waiting for them to change, forget potential and look to the now when dating. If he's not what you need now, he's not the right fit for you.

 

As far as people being able to change, most can but won't.

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The question is will he WANT to change? You can never change another person's behavior unless they want it! It looks like you guys are not compatible, you want affection and he don't even want to a little affection?

I say most people are capable of change for the better. But they just got to be try.

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Quiet Storm

He may not want to read it, but there is a book called The Five Love Languages that would really help.

 

The books says there are five different ways people show love, Quality Time, Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Physcial Touch.

 

People often show love in ways that they wish to receive it. For example, if your love language is Acts of Service, you may do things for your man like cooking for him or washing his clothes without considering what HIS love language may be. If his love lanquage is Physical Touch, he may think "So what if she cooks or does my clothes, I can do that myself! I just want some lovin".

 

Since your guy isn't affectionate and doesn't offer to carry your bags, I would say that his love language is not Physical Touch or Acts of Service because those ways of showing love would feel natural to him. Does he show his love to you with Quality Time, Gifts and Words of Affirmation? If so, I would tell him that you appreciate his efforts, but that your love language is physical touch and you feel loved when he is affectionate with you.

 

When he is affectionate with you, use positive reinforcement. If you respond positively each time, he'll be more comfortable expressing his love that way.

 

He could just be clueless as to how to show love. People from very unemotional families can feel wierded out by too much closeness. If affectionate behavior was never modeled for him, then he has a different "normal" than you do.

 

Also, it could be resentment. Resentment is probably the number one thing that stops a man from being affectionate with his partner. Has their been anything in your relationship that he could resent you for? Men and women are often different in the fact that if they have a problem with the behavior of their partner, a women will talk about the issue and if things don't change, she will continue to bring it up until he realizes how important it is. She makes it known that there is a problem and it needs to be addressed. Men, on the other hand, often talk about the issue one time, and then wait to see if she takes action. If she doesn't, he will conclude that she doesn't care. He will not keep bringing it up, and he will start to resent her. Since the woman would keep bringing up the problem if it was still an issue for her, she may take his silence as acceptance. She may think all is well, and he could be resentful about an old unresolved issue.

 

Men often take what women consider to be suggestions and helpful hints as criticism. Instead of seeing it as you trying to make him be a better man for you, he may take it as you don't like the man he is. Some men don't even consider that they can change, they accept themselves as-is. For these men, a small suggestion can feel like a big rejection.

 

If your needs continue to be denied, move on. If he doesn't make an effort to speak your love language, then it may be that you are just not compatible.

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Can someone learn to be affectionate, emotionally expressive, and considerate? Can someone learn to WANT to do these things?

It's not your job to fix the people you date. They're supposed to do that for themselves BEFORE they date you.

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He may not want to read it, but there is a book called The Five Love Languages that would really help.

 

The books says there are five different ways people show love, Quality Time, Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Physcial Touch.

 

People often show love in ways that they wish to receive it. For example, if your love language is Acts of Service, you may do things for your man like cooking for him or washing his clothes without considering what HIS love language may be. If his love lanquage is Physical Touch, he may think "So what if she cooks or does my clothes, I can do that myself! I just want some lovin".

 

Since your guy isn't affectionate and doesn't offer to carry your bags, I would say that his love language is not Physical Touch or Acts of Service because those ways of showing love would feel natural to him. Does he show his love to you with Quality Time, Gifts and Words of Affirmation? If so, I would tell him that you appreciate his efforts, but that your love language is physical touch and you feel loved when he is affectionate with you.

 

When he is affectionate with you, use positive reinforcement. If you respond positively each time, he'll be more comfortable expressing his love that way.

 

He could just be clueless as to how to show love. People from very unemotional families can feel wierded out by too much closeness. If affectionate behavior was never modeled for him, then he has a different "normal" than you do.

 

Also, it could be resentment. Resentment is probably the number one thing that stops a man from being affectionate with his partner. Has their been anything in your relationship that he could resent you for? Men and women are often different in the fact that if they have a problem with the behavior of their partner, a women will talk about the issue and if things don't change, she will continue to bring it up until he realizes how important it is. She makes it known that there is a problem and it needs to be addressed. Men, on the other hand, often talk about the issue one time, and then wait to see if she takes action. If she doesn't, he will conclude that she doesn't care. He will not keep bringing it up, and he will start to resent her. Since the woman would keep bringing up the problem if it was still an issue for her, she may take his silence as acceptance. She may think all is well, and he could be resentful about an old unresolved issue.

 

Men often take what women consider to be suggestions and helpful hints as criticism. Instead of seeing it as you trying to make him be a better man for you, he may take it as you don't like the man he is. Some men don't even consider that they can change, they accept themselves as-is. For these men, a small suggestion can feel like a big rejection.

 

If your needs continue to be denied, move on. If he doesn't make an effort to speak your love language, then it may be that you are just not compatible.

 

I definitely don't see him being willing to read that book! He'd think I was crazy for suggesting it!

 

He started to resent the fact that I wasn’t happy and wanted to talk about it. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy. HE was happy (if I shut up).He definitely accepts himself how he is. He couldn’t understand why I needed him (and our relationship) to be different. He had pretty low empathy.

 

He showed love simply by showing up (this might count as Quality Time) and being faithful, not any of those other things.

 

It’s true we probably aren’t compatible, but he’s my best option, and I’d like to start a family very soon, so I wondered if it was worth working on.

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What does he DO when he 'shows up'? Does he not initiate any sort of physical affection, even if he isn't the verbal sort of guy? How would you two have sex otherwise? And you can truly look back at his actions and say, "No, nothing there showed he loved me", as opposed to "He didn't do X, Y, and Z that the other guy did"?

 

If the answers to the above are yes, that's a resounding no to it being worth working on IMO.

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I definitely don't see him being willing to read that book! He'd think I was crazy for suggesting it!

 

He started to resent the fact that I wasn’t happy and wanted to talk about it. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy. HE was happy (if I shut up).He definitely accepts himself how he is. He couldn’t understand why I needed him (and our relationship) to be different. He had pretty low empathy.

 

He showed love simply by showing up (this might count as Quality Time) and being faithful, not any of those other things.

 

It’s true we probably aren’t compatible, but he’s my best option, and I’d like to start a family very soon, so I wondered if it was worth working on.

 

if he's like that now what do you think he'd be like when you're pregnant and all but intolerable?

 

you can't plan your love life out, it happens or it doesn't.

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He started to resent the fact that I wasn’t happy and wanted to talk about it. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy. HE was happy (if I shut up).He definitely accepts himself how he is. He couldn’t understand why I needed him (and our relationship) to be different. He had pretty low empathy.

 

He showed love simply by showing up (this might count as Quality Time) and being faithful, not any of those other things.

 

It’s true we probably aren’t compatible, but he’s my best option, and I’d like to start a family very soon, so I wondered if it was worth working on.

 

This post is depressing. You are trying to hunt down the most bearable guy so you can have kids. I give a million thanks to the gods every day I've never wanted children, this is the best way to get trapped in a loveless marriage.

 

I understand his side, I resent men as well who try to change me. Who says your way is better or worse than his? If you are not compatible then walk away. Don't patronise an adult by trying to make him think the way you do. The two of you are different, find someone you are compatible with, don't try to mould him.

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if he's like that now what do you think he'd be like when you're pregnant and all but intolerable?

 

you can't plan your love life out, it happens or it doesn't.

 

I'm never intolerable. That's what's great about me. :)

 

This post is depressing. You are trying to hunt down the most bearable guy so you can have kids. I give a million thanks to the gods every day I've never wanted children, this is the best way to get trapped in a loveless marriage.

 

I understand his side, I resent men as well who try to change me. Who says your way is better or worse than his? If you are not compatible then walk away. Don't patronise an adult by trying to make him think the way you do. The two of you are different, find someone you are compatible with, don't try to mould him.

 

Yes, my life is depressing.

 

I understand his side, in a way, but why would anyone even want a relationship where there was no affection? I can't understand how that would be satisfying for him. I believe he'd be happier in all aspects of his life if he had a richer, more open emotional side, but of course that's not for me to decide.

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Caius Ballad
Has anyone dealt with unaffectionate, unemotional men in relationships? Care to discuss your experiences? Did the relationship last?

 

My ex was not affectionate or emotionally expressive, and it was the main element missing from our relationship for me. We would often sit on opposite ends of the couch and he never told me verbally how he felt about me (he said I should know since he had chosen to be with me). He also wasn’t considerate. If I was carrying heavy bags he wouldn’t offer to carry them (though he would take them if I asked). The last guy I dated was always concerned about how I felt. He would always do simple things like ask if I was hot and if I needed the air turned up. These simple gestures mean a lot to me and my ex didn’t do these.

 

Can someone learn to be affectionate, emotionally expressive, and considerate? Can someone learn to WANT to do these things?

 

My fear is that he could “learn,” but it would be done without feeling. It would be a deliberate decision, like he would think to himself, “Iris would like it if I put my arm around her, so I guess I should do it.” He wouldn’t, however, actually feel the desire to touch me.

 

My ex often felt like I was being critical of him when I tried to bring up this topic (ironic because he’s very critical). How should this subject be approached?

 

It's been proven by PUA that when you open up to women most of them view that as a weakness instinctually without realizing it. Thats why men suffer....because of the cold evil nature of women.

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pillowcase
It’s true we probably aren’t compatible, but he’s my best option, and I’d like to start a family very soon, so I wondered if it was worth working on.

 

That's strikes 2 and 3 right there. Why would you want to trap this guy into fatherhood with a woman he's not compatible with??

 

You know he's the wrong guy, and deep down he probably knows you're the wrong woman.

 

In the past I have been very unempathetic, distant and cold when I'm with a woman I don't love. When I'm with a woman that I do love however, I don't hesitate to let her know.

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Or, some men do not change certain things even when they are in love propperly with a women. Then again, some men must make a compromise, the way my own recent ex did for me; he did not like being all over me in front of his mates, and he did not like oral.

 

From my experience, a guy who is not too touchy feely with a girl in front of his mates, will not necessarily shower their girl with affection in front if all his friends, just because he loves her.

Although, he might be able to compromise! For instance, my recent ex was all over me alone early on in our R, only to stop being touchy feely and not touch me at all in front of his mates.

I cried - I was like "you are so close to me and than not at all - wtf is up! He was genuinly sad at my tears, and back in the room with his mates, he started hugging me. He was not ashamed or embarrassed, he just did finds it rude and lame when couples incessantly hug all the time when they are around friends, or even in public. But he was able to do it - to show me he was into me.

 

Another example about learning to change, is he also " learnt to like" oral, even he never previously liked it before me. His love for me made him LOVE it and even get urges to occasionally pull my pants down and do it - but the urges were out of love, and not the natural instict to do it to a girl that SOME men have.

 

 

So.... his natural instict may be able to be changed! It all depends on why he is the way he is - he may have an strong aversion to changing the way he feels very comfortable with - it may be too out of his element, and perhaps he just needs the right girl to even consider it!

 

I think it it is true love, a guy will try anything to be with the girl! It may fail, though, and hopefully communcation is rampant enough, for the women to understand he will do anything for her, but that he cannot put on a constant act - although he would to keep her out of love.. ( the women would not let him be unhappy, that is what true love is I believe).

 

Lastly, DO NOT GET WITH A GUY just because you coming of age and want a family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Geez. It sounds like you want to start a family and get married really badly - so much so, it surpasses the natural and ideal process for getting that!

 

I do not want it terribly, but would love it one day.. although not enough to do it with a guy I am not truly in love with - it is the GUY that would MAKE me want the family with him - not my urges for a family, alone..

 

I think people like you should be careful about the starting a family thing! Unlike me, you have those strong urges without a special guy that compells you!

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