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Girlfriend + Coworker


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I've been with a girl for over 3 years now. She's got a naturally passive personality where she is afraid to make decisions, and loves to keep things hanging as long as possible. This was hell when we started dating, and she basically kept me and her ex waiting and didnt want to make a decision for months. For some reason, i dealt with that crap, and she picked me. Things got better since then.

 

Now, another situation's coming up. She started talking alot to a coworker. He invited her out to bars a couple times, and she started talking about him all the time. They started texting constantly. The guy breaks up with his girlfriend of 3 years out of nowhere. Clearly, he's interested in her. When I tell her about it, she denies it, though she keeps texting because she enjoys the attention.

 

I accidentally find that she stayed logged in to her email on my computer, where I can see her texts. I look, and they've texted back and forth for hours a day for over a month, often late at night. He's clearly interested, but is being very passive about showing it. Yesterday, he walked over to her area and wandered around for 2 hours, waiting for her to go outside and go for a walk with him, while she was uncertain if she wanted to. He spent those 2 hours trying to convince her.

 

Thing is, she doesn't tell me any of this. She knows it bothers me, and insists that there's no interest on either side, but the ridiculous amount of texting continues. And, the going for a walk thing sealed the deal that he's interested. I can't really confront her, since I invaded her privacy, but i'm not sure how else to deal with it. We've talked about it for a while, but i can't fully trust her. There's no doubt she knows he's interested, and she likes the attention.

 

Another important tidbit: she never told him she's in a relationship. She insists she would if asked, but he never asked. She doesn't tell anyone, as its awkward to say it out nowhere. :|

 

How do I handle it?

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She is in an emotional affair (that is what all this attention is), and she refuses to tell anyone she has a boyfriend after 3 years? Serious issues. For me the latter would be enough grounds to break up with her.

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RiverRunning
She is in an emotional affair (that is what all this attention is)' date=' and she refuses to [b']tell anyone[/b] she has a boyfriend after 3 years? Serious issues. For me the latter would be enough grounds to break up with her.

 

What he said. It would be one thing if she were super-dense but he knew she had a boyfriend. But not talking about it after 3 years? She's hiding you. I think it's worth one serious talk, letting her know what's on the line, and if she doesn't shape up VERY quickly, you're done with her - for your sanity.

 

Putting up with the ex thing alone is something I would've squashed right away. But of course, I can't diss that whole thing too much: at least my ex's ex was out of our lives physically, although he talked about the slut all the time and was obviously still interested in her. But I learned a valuable lesson, and this is one for you too: if they're making more than passing references to the ex, or if the ex is still on the horizon, you have your answer: relationship's over!

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Emotional affair sounds about right.

 

I guess my question is, can I still save this and put a stop to this kind of stuff? I've tried discussing this guy, but she always deflects or lies. And, I dont want to reveal that I actually saw the texts firsthand, even if it was completely warranted.

 

Or maybe the writing's just on the wall with this one.

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It seems the writing is on the wall. By pretending she is single, she hopes to get more male attention. That is a huge red flag, and indicative of a serious character flaw, for which she does need help. She probably does not see it like that.

 

You can try an ultimatum, but things do not look good at all.

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Well, things kinda changed.

 

I confronted her about it, and told her to find out if the guy likes her, and deal with it. She asked, he said yes (obviously). She told him she didn't feel that way about him, and that she's in a relationship. Done? Meh. She still raves about how similar they are, and how nice it is to have someone to talk to. She knew that he liked her for a while, but didnt want to hurt him by saying anything until I just made her. They're going to keep texting as much as they have been, i'm sure. I'll meet him when I fly back for the summer, and he knows that i'm the bf, but... i dont feel particularly better.

 

Its still an emotional affair. The content of it hasn't changed, and this was kind of an empty sort of conversation they had. She just doesn't have any physical attraction towards him, but mentally is another story. Does this change anything, or do i keep putting my foot down and say none of this texting every night for hours stuff?

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She likes the attention, refuses to tone it down, and refuses to even contemplate why she needs all the attention?

 

I'd say time to break up with her.

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