Couple Trip To friend Trip.... :-/.

[Almond_Joy]

Hi everyone,

 

I have an issue that I'd like some perspectives on. I've been with my boyfriend a little past 6 months now. We've mentioned going on a trip together a few times, though I haven't really had the money to do it, and don't really know when I will have the money to contribute equally to the costs of the trip.

 

 

We both share a large circle of mutual friends, and he's now proposed to the group going to the place we were talking about for our trip together with the group of friends.

 

I know he's really wanted to go to the city we were talking about, as he's never been, but I thought that he wanted to go with me as a couple thing. Now I feel like he doesn't really care to do anything special as a couple.

 

Is my reaction of being hurt unreasonable? Thanks in advance for any perspectives.

[Els]

Umm, based on this post alone, your reaction does seem a bit unreasonable. Plenty of couples take trips with their friends.

 

But delving deeper, why do you feel like 'he doesn't really care to do anything special as a couple'? Do the two of you not do anything else together?

[SmileFace]

You didn't have the money to do it. He proposed the idea several times. He really wants to go, by going as a group you may be able to afford it. You should not be mad at him because you can't afford a trip he wants to go on. I think you are being unreasonable

[LittlePrince]

Did he ask if this was okay with you? If not then he is oblivious to how you feel, is incapable of thinking of others, or simply doesn't care.

[january2011]

Did you mention to him that you thought it was just going to be the two of you?

 

To be honest, I'm with you, unless you do a lot of things together with the group on a regular basis, then I would have expected him to mention it first before opening it up to the group. Though it really depends on how much you check with each other about future plans and also how your coupledom fits into the group.

 

Regardless, he can't take it back now and uninvite everyone. So as a compromise, perhaps you can schedule some alone time with him during the trip and emphasise that it is alone time as a couple.

Edited May 8, 2012 by january2011

[Almond_Joy]

Thank you for the responses.

 

I wouldn't mind at all us going on a trip with friends. After all, they're my friends too, so it's not like I wouldn't enjoy the extra company.

 

It bothered me because he and I haven't really done anything extraordinary together. We go to movies and eat out - that's about it. Any activity outside of that usually involves friends. So in answer to you January yes we do things with friends all the time, almost as much as we hang out together alone.

 

I think this also bothers me because a couple months ago I told him I felt we were lacking intimacy. I was feeling some emotional detachment. He agreed, and said that we should try to do something out of the ordinary, have a little more fun and be less....logical and practical, which we usually are. But he hasn't backed that idea up with any plans. He's jokingly asked me "What are we doing this weekend" a couple of times now, like if we're going to do anything besides watch movies or eat I have to think of it. :-/.

 

He did not run the group friend trip idea past me before proposing it. I found out when I logged into facebook and saw his post in our friends group (there's about a dozen of us).

 

At first I thought he just doesn't like to be very active and social, but he hangs out with friends and goes to social functions often so it's not like he doesn't like going out. But when it's just me and him he never has any ideas, doesn't want to do anything. When I ask him what he wants to do he shrugs or says "I don't know." I don't get it, because we both have alot of similar interests/tastes and he said when we first got together that that was one of the things he loved so much about being with me. So why wouldn't he want to do things together? Like I said, don't get it......

[Almond_Joy]

You didn't have the money to do it. He proposed the idea several times. He really wants to go, by going as a group you may be able to afford it. You should not be mad at him because you can't afford a trip he wants to go on. I think you are being unreasonable

 

 

I get what you're saying. I'm not mad that he wants to go on a trip I can't afford. I've actually felt bad about this since we brought it up because I know he really wants to go and has possibly been putting it off because he didn't want me to feel left out.

 

The more I think about it, the more I think I'm just bothered that he didn't talk to me about it before offering it as an idea for a group friend activity.

 

What if the friends all decide they're up for the trip, and make plans to go, and I can't afford it still? Would it be wierd for me to stay behind and he go? I'm not worried about him cheating, I trust him....friends might see it as a bit odd though. I'd just feel really guilty and kind of dependent if he covered a bulk of my expenses (I'm assuming he'd offer to cover part of the expenses).....

 

Probably getting ahead of myself there, I don't even know if they're for sure going yet - only 2 other friends have expressed interest in going.

[WhiteChocolate]

If I were you, I would think more about why this bothered me so much, and then approach him to calmly talk about it. I don't think it occurred to him that this might hurt you.

[Els]

Thank you for the responses.

 

I wouldn't mind at all us going on a trip with friends. After all, they're my friends too, so it's not like I wouldn't enjoy the extra company.

 

It bothered me because he and I haven't really done anything extraordinary together. We go to movies and eat out - that's about it. Any activity outside of that usually involves friends. So in answer to you January yes we do things with friends all the time, almost as much as we hang out together alone.

 

I think this also bothers me because a couple months ago I told him I felt we were lacking intimacy. I was feeling some emotional detachment. He agreed, and said that we should try to do something out of the ordinary, have a little more fun and be less....logical and practical, which we usually are. But he hasn't backed that idea up with any plans. He's jokingly asked me "What are we doing this weekend" a couple of times now, like if we're going to do anything besides watch movies or eat I have to think of it. :-/.

 

He did not run the group friend trip idea past me before proposing it. I found out when I logged into facebook and saw his post in our friends group (there's about a dozen of us).

 

At first I thought he just doesn't like to be very active and social, but he hangs out with friends and goes to social functions often so it's not like he doesn't like going out. But when it's just me and him he never has any ideas, doesn't want to do anything. When I ask him what he wants to do he shrugs or says "I don't know." I don't get it, because we both have alot of similar interests/tastes and he said when we first got together that that was one of the things he loved so much about being with me. So why wouldn't he want to do things together? Like I said, don't get it......

 

Hrm, okay. This right here is the issue, I think.

 

You should talk to him about this calmly and rationally, and not make it about the trip in itself. The trip is just a manifestation of a bigger issue that bothers you. Tell him what you said here, and see what his response is, or if he picks up the effort.

 

I think you need to differentiate between him 'not coming up with any new ideas' and him 'not wanting to do anything together', though. Some people, I think, are genuinely happy just eating together, watching movies together, and cuddling/having sex. They don't need anything special to enjoy their time with a partner.

 

My bf is like this too, pretty much. He'll happily go along with anything out-of-the-norm that I plan, but he rarely initiates one himself, because HE doesn't mind just chilling at home together. He'll do stuff like plan a dinner or movie, but will not think up anything new. It does frustrate me sometimes, but it's just how he is. Even with friends, he does not usually plan anything; they do, and invite him. Maybe in your case he usually takes a passive role with friends too, even if he is socially active?

[Els]

What if the friends all decide they're up for the trip, and make plans to go, and I can't afford it still? Would it be wierd for me to stay behind and he go? I'm not worried about him cheating, I trust him....friends might see it as a bit odd though. I'd just feel really guilty and kind of dependent if he covered a bulk of my expenses (I'm assuming he'd offer to cover part of the expenses).....

 

I'm curious why you would feel that way. If he wants you to come along, and you want to come along, and the only thing preventing you both is the money, and he offers to cover that - you would do both of you no favours by refusing. Judging from your post, I have a feeling that if you stay behind while he goes with his friends, you would feel really unhappy about it.

[Almond_Joy]

Hrm, okay. This right here is the issue, I think.

 

You should talk to him about this calmly and rationally, and not make it about the trip in itself. The trip is just a manifestation of a bigger issue that bothers you. Tell him what you said here, and see what his response is, or if he picks up the effort.

 

I think you need to differentiate between him 'not coming up with any new ideas' and him 'not wanting to do anything together', though. Some people, I think, are genuinely happy just eating together, watching movies together, and cuddling/having sex. They don't need anything special to enjoy their time with a partner.

 

My bf is like this too, pretty much. He'll happily go along with anything out-of-the-norm that I plan, but he rarely initiates one himself, because HE doesn't mind just chilling at home together. He'll do stuff like plan a dinner or movie, but will not think up anything new. It does frustrate me sometimes, but it's just how he is. Even with friends, he does not usually plan anything; they do, and invite him. Maybe in your case he usually takes a passive role with friends too, even if he is socially active?

 

Now that you mention it, his approach is pretty much the same. Even with this trip thing. He threw out an idea but he won't make a move on it until others start looking up info or discussing plans.

 

I don't want to discount our down time, I realize it's important to be comfortable relaxing. But like you said, it just frutrates me when that's ALL we do.

 

I did talk to him about the issue of us not doing anything earlier this morning. Now that we talked about the issue, the trip thing doesn't evoke any type of emotional reaction. I guess I just let my frustration with the lack of action get out of hand.

 

 

Thanks for the follow up response, much appreciated .

[Almond_Joy]

I'm curious why you would feel that way. If he wants you to come along, and you want to come along, and the only thing preventing you both is the money, and he offers to cover that - you would do both of you no favours by refusing. Judging from your post, I have a feeling that if you stay behind while he goes with his friends, you would feel really unhappy about it.

 

 

I've got issues with self-sufficiency/independence. He's well aware, and I'm working on it. I know the above is warped logic. I'd probably go if it came to that.

[LittlePrince]

It is like he is bored with you and has to pad every social event with superfluous friends.

[Els]

Now that you mention it, his approach is pretty much the same. Even with this trip thing. He threw out an idea but he won't make a move on it until others start looking up info or discussing plans.

 

I don't want to discount our down time, I realize it's important to be comfortable relaxing. But like you said, it just frutrates me when that's ALL we do.

 

I did talk to him about the issue of us not doing anything earlier this morning. Now that we talked about the issue, the trip thing doesn't evoke any type of emotional reaction. I guess I just let my frustration with the lack of action get out of hand.

 

 

Thanks for the follow up response, much appreciated .

 

Great, good luck with everything. Hope he picks up the effort, but IME if that is a person's natural personality, it can only alter that much, and you'll need to decide if you can live with that.

[dasein]

This is deja vu similar to another recent thread where a guy's GF was actually going someowhere with friends they had planned to go alone, but was going before he would be able to go, so if they did it together, she would have to do it twice.

 

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable, but consider getting past them. It's just not that big a deal, and with a flexible attitude, there will be plenty of times for other private trips in the future for you two.

[zengirl]

Almond_Joy, I'd say be careful not to confuse "planning exciting things" with "valuing the relationship" -- the 2 are honestly not that related, IME. I've been with plenty of men who planned exciting things without valuing the R that highly and vice versa. If you really want a man who plans things, etc, etc, this guy may not be that, but you obviously picked him for a reason so look at all the ways he does put into a R. Telling him how you feel can help, but then appreciate any extra effort he DOES take, even if it seems small.