gotye Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I keep seeing people on LS saying how girls having male friends is bad and ruins relationships this is so weird to me and seems like one of those middle school dances where the girls stick to one side and the boys to the other in fear of each other. I feel like mature adults can be friends with someone of the gender they are attracted to 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Mature adults won't be friends with people of the opposite gender they are attracted to while in a RS. You're just asking for drama and trouble. That's like asking the cat to guard the milk - some can, most can't. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
maysj18 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I think it's stupid, too. I have one male friend in particular who is my absolute best friend. Never has there been ANY sexual attraction- he really is like a brother to me. He was my date to senior prom and it was completely platonic. We've been friends for years. I'd be missing out on a great friendship if I didn't allow myself to have guy friends. I've never been in a situation where I was uncomfortable because feelings arose or whatever 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fishtaco Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I don't know, I have friends of the opposite gender. I don't see a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 The term "friends" on these threads turns out to mean different things. When someone says they have friends of the opposite sex, they generally aren't talking about close buddies. More like people they hang out with incidentally, beacause of work or friends in common, and who they happen to also like. One-on-one hanging out doesn't happen much. But the original post is usually asking about "best friends" types of relationships, where one-on-one time happens a lot. The former is entirely possible, and it's easy and doesn't go very deep. The latter is almost always based on sexual attraction and turns out not to be much of a friendship at all. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GetTheClou Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 First I thought this attitude arose from 21st century dating videos/PUA/online forums hearsay. However I was talking with my father (born 1948) about this topic a while ago and he was quite surprised that I was mentioning "female friends". He didnt understand this "concept" and said that he never had any female friends or met with females on other occasions than "dating". He has acquaintances of course due to university, work etc, but no "friends". He even questioned that the girls I was mentioning were really my "friends" even though he doesnt know them and that it would be a "waste of time" to just hang around with girls. I completely disagree. There are 5 people in my life that I consider true friends, the kind you'd do almost anything for and 2 of them are female. They are both hot (^^) but I would NEVER hook up with them even when they were available. However, if there is sexual tension like Professor X said it's not possible. And as many men have sexual tension towards nearly every woman they ever encounter in their daily life...it's probably not possible on a large scale Link to post Share on other sites
Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Good article about it: A Man. A Woman. Just Friends? http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/08/opinion/sunday/a-man-a-woman-just-friends.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=women%20men%20just%20friends&st=cse Hope it works. Basically, the article says that pop culture tells us that men and women can't be friends. But reality says different. Yet people tend to echo the thinking of pop culture and make everyone think men and women can't be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I talked to a male friend on the phone for two hours the other day. He actually listens to me and cares about stuff going on with me and vice versa. He was advising me about romantic situations, and telling me about his. He doesn't want a romantic relationship with me. Men and women can be friends. I don't know why people think differently. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GetTheClou Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I talked to a male friend on the phone for two hours the other day. He actually listens to me and cares about stuff going on with me and vice versa. He was advising me about romantic situations, and telling me about his. He doesn't want a romantic relationship with me. Men and women can be friends. I don't know why people think differently. They did not experience it because they wanna fck every moving hole they encounter from 9 to 5 (and later) So they claim it's not possible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Good article about it: A Man. A Woman. Just Friends? http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/08/opinion/sunday/a-man-a-woman-just-friends.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=women%20men%20just%20friends&st=cse Hope it works. Basically, the article says that pop culture tells us that men and women can't be friends. But reality says different. Yet people tend to echo the thinking of pop culture and make everyone think men and women can't be friends. My opinion is based on my own experiences. Not anything pop culture preaches. I've had several woman friends. The one-on-one, let's go get drinks or lunch type. And either something happened between us or it turned one of us wanted something to happen. Every single time. And I saw similar things happen to friends of mine. They got close to women and made friends, but it was all based on hoping something would happen. And the women had a lot of fun and enjoyed the attention. But when all possibility of anything developing between them disappeared, they drifted apart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Good article about it: A Man. A Woman. Just Friends? http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/08/opinion/sunday/a-man-a-woman-just-friends.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=women%20men%20just%20friends&st=cse Hope it works. I read something earlier about getting past the need for subscription - I think it was said to delete anything after the = . *edit. Oh, it works for me without deleting anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 My opinion is based on my own experiences. Not anything pop culture preaches. I've had several woman friends. The one-on-one, let's go get drinks or lunch type. And either something happened between us or it turned one of us wanted something to happen. Every single time. And I saw similar things happen to friends of mine. They got close to women and made friends, but it was all based on hoping something would happen. And the women had a lot of fun and enjoyed the attention. But when all possibility of anything developing between them disappeared, they drifted apart. I don't question your or anyone else's experiences. If a man says to me that every single scenario he's observed between a male and female friend has turned into one or both wanting more, I'll believe him because I don't think people will lie for no reason. My experiences have been WAY different. I both experience and know of tons of situation where men and women are just cool with one another (and friends) and want nothing more from each other. I just run in the type of circles where people just like to talk to people; gender's not a big deal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
runner Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 My opinion is based on my own experiences. Not anything pop culture preaches. I've had several woman friends. The one-on-one, let's go get drinks or lunch type. And either something happened between us or it turned one of us wanted something to happen. Every single time. And I saw similar things happen to friends of mine. They got close to women and made friends, but it was all based on hoping something would happen. And the women had a lot of fun and enjoyed the attention. But when all possibility of anything developing between them disappeared, they drifted apart. this strikes me as quite unfortunate. i've had these experiences as well so i know what you mean; but alternatively, and thankfully, i have a few female friends all without this sort of drama. but i won't kid you, there is none of this sexual tension at all between any of us so the relationships are easy to maintain. when i feel any of that with a woman i tend to keep my distance if we're not dating. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I've had lots of male friendsover the years. I can understand why some people can't handle the idea but overall I have never experienced it as a threat to any of my relationships. I like my guy friends. A lot of them were just like brothers. I had a male roommate for six years. There was no "tension" or "flirtation" between us. Sometimes his dates seemed mildly weirder at first but quickly figured out that we were friends and roommates. We hung out fairly frequently. That was it. I even converted to Mormonism while we lived together and some church members suggested I move into a female-only roommateship. I turned it down. I much preferred where I was and the routines I had. It just wasn't any kind of big deal to me at all. Someone else gave me the "appearance of evil" lecture. Jeez, it could appear to be "evil" if me and him screwed on the front porch or something, not because he had his bedroom/bathroom on the other side of a basement suite. I have found overall that living with guys is easier and less bitchy. I'd most likely have a male roommate again if I was single. None of my dates seemed threatened by him. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Your right, OP - guys and girls can be friends. There are plenty of people friends of the oposite gender!! However, people think differently about it; obviously, u have to find like minded people. Some men will not be friends with women if they have boyfriends. I am all for male friends, but it is harder if they are attracted to u physically, and also would date u for your personality, if u were single. Contact should me minimal if they would like to date u, if u were single. It is logical, no? A guy thinks your very attractive, is attracted to you, thinks your an utterly amazing girl, and would fall for you hard and fast if you wer single. WHY would he NOT fall for you, being around u a lot, if u were in a relationship? - some feelings cannot be stopped. best avoid a person who is in a relationship, if u develop strong feelings for them, or fall for them easily. - if u are merely attracted physically a lot, and think they are cool enough to date if single, but can control your desires and enjoy just talking with them, it would then be ok to see them once in a while, to catch up. Not go out on the town, have drinks, and risk it though.... - you think they are attractive but have no feelings, great, hang with them. - unnatractive people u like being mates with, go for it! NO rissks there, unless they date rape u with drugs in your drink! In which case, be a better judge of character with your friends in the first place!! This all sounds like common sense to me!!!!!!!!! Seriously - if u are super attracted to a person in a relationship, back off!! f they are attracted but there is no risk of developing feelings, fine!! Turn away if u do start to fancy them!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Johan is just speaking the simple truth here from a mans perspective. If a man is your friend he's not sitting there listening to you because he wanted to be you friend and listen to all your relationship drama about this guy or the other of the week...It's because he was initially interested in you and was hoping that you'd grow closer together as you got to know him...simple as that. Some guys are also capable of reverting to this role, they realize they don't have a shot...sometimes you're just an attractive woman and they'd rather have you in their life than not have you (I've bee told this by several men who know better than to change the dynamic with women who see them and trust them exclusively as friends)...it makes them feel good, they still get to talk to you and be closer to you (they hope). An assertive, confident guy in my book isn't going to hang out and be your buddy...he might socialize and be cordial and respectful in social situations but that's not like really being your "friend" that's more of an acquaintance. Spend one on one time with this person and an emotional bond will be created, the deeper and more significant the topics in relation to emotions and someone is going to start developing emotions for the others...this doesn't happen between those guy friends. If you can keep your man-friend on a leash and he knows his place and that makes you happy because you've got someone to talk to and listen to your drama...that's all good and well, knock yourself out. But you'd be hard-pressed to convince another man that this man isn't interested or attracted and wouldn't take the opportunity to be with you If he could...regardless of whether he has a GF, or talking about their own relationships, or what not...as women I'd think you'd understand how you could still develop emotions for another guy while he's in a relationship or what not, so why can't he?...this doesn't "stop" the person who is interested from developing an emotional bond...It gets created under the radar..after all like with women, they'll befriend you while you're in a relationship then you break up with your GF and guess who's first in seeing that you're available to date? I can understand how people with very close/good friends of the opposite sex would have a difficult time accepting this, especially If they've developed and conditioned the relationships with the opposite sex and especially If they don't want to accept or feel they have to sacrifice those relationships, or view them in a light they'd rather not. All I know Is If there's a woman I'm attracted/interested in, I've got to keep my distance and If there's a woman attracted to me that I don't want to get in trouble with and keep as "friends" I've got to keep her at arms length...there's no way I'll roll the dice and take that chance with one on one settings, especially in a relationship, I know from experience what's going to happen and has happened. Like Johan said...It always ends the same way when you take it past a certain level. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I feel like mature adults can be friends with someone of the gender they are attracted to I don't see why all you chicks twisting the OPs own words, you all talking about platonic mambo jambo and just male friends, jeez, can't you read? I thought English is your native language. She clearly said ATTRACTED to. Male friends are fine, male friends you are attracted to isn't fine (while in a RS). Link to post Share on other sites
Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I don't see why all you chicks twisting the OPs own words, you all talking about platonic mambo jambo and just male friends, jeez, can't you read? I thought English is your native language. She clearly said ATTRACTED to. Male friends are fine, male friends you are attracted to isn't fine (while in a RS). Then it becomes a question of what does she mean by "attracted to"? Find physically attractive or have feelings for? Because I still think men can have friendships with women they find physically attractive and not be all dorky and stupid about it, and so can women with men who they find attractive. We all have standards, I would think, and aren't necessarily into a person just because he/she is good-looking. If I liked guys just because they are good-looking, I'd like half of my male students (I'm a teacher) because they are all 18-24 year-old youthfully beautiful/handsome. I don't like any of them. Neither gender can successfully "be friends" with opposite sex people who they find attractive and have feelings for. I have male friends who I find physically attractive who I don't have feelings for. Male friends probably find me physically attractive but don't necessarily have feelings for me; hence, it's no trouble being friends. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Mature adults won't be friends with people of the opposite gender they are attracted to while in a RS. You're just asking for drama and trouble. Surely if they are mature then there shouldn't be any drama? Anyway, I have some opposite-sex friends. Some of them I recognise as "attractive" but that doesn't mean that I fancy them or want to date them or have sex with them. Some of them are also "age inappropriate" for my dating style (too young or too old, for my tastes) but some of them are about the right age for me to date... but I don't want to because they are my friends! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Neither gender can successfully "be friends" with opposite sex people who they find attractive and have feelings for. I have male friends who I find physically attractive who I don't have feelings for. Male friends probably find me physically attractive but don't necessarily have feelings for me; hence, it's no trouble being friends. Yes, this. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I think the OP meant being friends with the gender one is attracted to....not about a particular person. I 'get it' that some men feel odd about it. The men I've dated who were odd about it were usually ones who had poor boundaries themselves, were the player types who tended viewed women as a commodity, or were obsessed with bitterness from a past relationship where the woman cheated. In the first case, I can see how they'd be put off or feel like they were being made into an emotional tampon. BUT... this is no different than women who have sex with a guy expecting a relationship... and doing this over and over again... then blaming the men for her poor choices. Also, I'm a little suspect of men who complain adnauseum about being made emotional tampons by women. Either they really are way too giving for their own good... or their love and care is manipulative and just a means to an end. It seems that most people figure it out. My male friends and mentors have been like brothers and fathers to me. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 My opinion is based on my own experiences. Not anything pop culture preaches. I've had several woman friends. The one-on-one, let's go get drinks or lunch type. And either something happened between us or it turned one of us wanted something to happen. Every single time. And I saw similar things happen to friends of mine. They got close to women and made friends, but it was all based on hoping something would happen. And the women had a lot of fun and enjoyed the attention. But when all possibility of anything developing between them disappeared, they drifted apart. Same experience with me. If a woman said "just friends" i'd treat her just like a friend. I never once crossed that line. They did. sometimes because they decided they wanted me & sometimes I honestly think it was just because I they wanted me to want them & the fact I didn't was messing with their inner attention whore. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Johan is just speaking the simple truth here from a mans perspective. If a man is your friend he's not sitting there listening to you because he wanted to be you friend and listen to all your relationship drama about this guy or the other of the week... I'm going to stop you right there. I didn't listen to that crap. I told my women "friends" exactly what I told my guy friends. "don't be a dumbass, drop them & stop putting up with their crap" Of course the difference between my male friends & female friends was that I took my male friends for a lap dance after he dumped the source of his problems. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I won't waste my time with men who view women as just something to f*ck. If they don't have any legitimate female friends (and I know the difference), that is a big red flag to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I won't waste my time with men who view women as just something to f*ck. If they don't have any legitimate female friends (and I know the difference), that is a big red flag to me. You mean you only be-friend men that sit when they pee? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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