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My former boss


spookie

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You might remember my infatuation with my former boss from several years ago. I was 22, eager to succeed in my first "real" job out of college. "Jack" was 27, hot and smart, a new manager. I was his sole report, and he spent hours beside me in my cubicle, explaining cash value and lapsation, going over every formula in the spreadsheets I was designing for our team.

 

He was a great mentor and I fell in love with him quickly. I confessed my feelings in a private meeting room about 3 months into my career, hoping the attraction was mutual and he could transfer me to a different division.

 

He told his boss, who sent me to talk to HR. I didn't get transferred, or fired as I'd feared. Things pretty much stayed the same. 2 years later, my crush was becoming too much, so I followed up, on another snowy day. He played it the same, assuring me he'd speak to his boss about a possible rotation.

 

The feedback I received this time, relayed by the same HR lady whose office I had sobbed in two years before, was that I needed to leave my feelings at home.

 

Another year later, we had both received several promotions. Things were very different from the days we'd sat side by side, solving equations. I had an intern of my own, and he was in meetings all day, managing our whole team. Now at a point in my career where I could legitamately inquire about other opportunities, again I asked about a transfer. I added that I still liked him, and it would help me move on, if he could reject me outright. Looking me straight in the eye, he said, "I have never been interested, in the past, present, or future." Lol.

 

Most people would have probably quit on the spot out of mortification, but if I had any shame, I wouldn't have taken it far enough to need to hear those words, in the first place. I finally got my rotation. A month after I left, he said he would like to keep meeting with me.

 

So for the last year, we've met for an hour, each month. Our meetings are informal, mostly about what we are working on and my professional development. Being around him still makes me sweat. Occasionally, he asks about my life outside work, but never anything personal enough to indicate romantic interest. Based on his facebook status, he has been single the entire time I have known him.

 

I appreciate his mentorship. I really do. But what's in it for him? He has better things to do, so why the monthly meetup? I know I shouldn't even ask, but is there any chance he misses me, and under different circumstances, woud have taken it further?

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prune juice
You might remember my infatuation with my former boss from several years ago. I was 22, eager to succeed in my first "real" job out of college. "Jack" was 27, hot and smart, a new manager. I was his sole report, and he spent hours beside me in my cubicle, explaining cash value and lapsation, going over every formula in the spreadsheets I was designing for our team.

 

He was a great mentor and I fell in love with him quickly. I confessed my feelings in a private meeting room about 3 months into my career, hoping the attraction was mutual and he could transfer me to a different division.

 

He told his boss, who sent me to talk to HR. I didn't get transferred, or fired as I'd feared. Things pretty much stayed the same. 2 years later, my crush was becoming too much, so I followed up, on another snowy day. He played it the same, assuring me he'd speak to his boss about a possible rotation.

 

The feedback I received this time, relayed by the same HR lady whose office I had sobbed in two years before, was that I needed to leave my feelings at home.

 

Another year later, we had both received several promotions. Things were very different from the days we'd sat side by side, solving equations. I had an intern of my own, and he was in meetings all day, managing our whole team. Now at a point in my career where I could legitamately inquire about other opportunities, again I asked about a transfer. I added that I still liked him, and it would help me move on, if he could reject me outright. Looking me straight in the eye, he said, "I have never been interested, in the past, present, or future." Lol.

 

Most people would have probably quit on the spot out of mortification, but if I had any shame, I wouldn't have taken it far enough to need to hear those words, in the first place. I finally got my rotation. A month after I left, he said he would like to keep meeting with me.

 

So for the last year, we've met for an hour, each month. Our meetings are informal, mostly about what we are working on and my professional development. Being around him still makes me sweat. Occasionally, he asks about my life outside work, but never anything personal enough to indicate romantic interest. Based on his facebook status, he has been single the entire time I have known him.

 

I appreciate his mentorship. I really do. But what's in it for him? He has better things to do, so why the monthly meetup? I know I shouldn't even ask, but is there any chance he misses me, and under different circumstances, woud have taken it further?

 

i call bullsh*t to your story.

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january2011

spookie, with all due respect, I think you need to take a step back. All this investment in analysing your romantic life and the multiple players that you've assigned parts to, whether they like it or not, can't be good for you.

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I appreciate his mentorship. I really do. But what's in it for him? He has better things to do, so why the monthly meetup? I know I shouldn't even ask, but is there any chance he misses me, and under different circumstances, woud have taken it further?

 

Do your responsibilities and his overlap somehow? What is the justification for the meeting?

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spookie, with all due respect, I think you need to take a step back. All this investment in analysing your romantic life and the multiple players that you've assigned parts to, whether they like it or not, can't be good for you.

 

But I haven't analyzed in months! And I have a lot on my plate I'm procrastinating.

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Do your responsibilities and his overlap somehow? What is the justification for the meeting?

 

No, it's just a mentorship type thing.

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Eternal Sunshine

For what it's worth spookie, I sometimes still feel a full blown attraction to my boss. I see him every day and it's been like 6 years. I don't dwell on it though, it's just chemical and can't be helped.

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Personally I think you're living a bit too much in the past. From a politics perspective, you would be much better off just developing a crush on your current boss. If you want to get ahead that is.

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His answer to you made me immediately think he must be gay.

I think it's more likely to be another indication that this guy is smart about cultivating and growing his career within the company. He was a manager and mentoring new hires at age 27. Here a few years later he is managing a whole team, as well as maintaining touching base with his "mentees" as well as keeping his network fresh at the same time.

 

When he was presented with your crush, he didn't just brush it off and move on, he sent it up through proper HR channels, and managed to pull it off in a way that didn't appear to hurt Spookie's career prospects within the company either.

 

This guy is carefully watching out for his own career advancement, and as part of that, he plays it by the book, and it appears to be paying off for him. And Spookie - don't miss the point that the fact that you have been associated with him as your boss/mentor has probably paid off for you, both in his mentorship, and in his apparently deft handling of what could have been a career staller for you.

 

So here's my question, Spookie: do you tend to be a person who can't stand stability, success? Do you tend to push and pull things that are working well until they break? Does that provide you with a drama that you need more than the success and stability?

 

His behavior is consistent with a good company man and a great boss and mentor who really helped you out (and continues to do so) in your early career, you don't need to invoke some kind of latent, unexpressed romantic intention on his part to explain his behavior. And his words have been unambiguous on that point as well. Behavior and words are consistent with each other and indicate that he's not interested, and does what he does because he's a good employee and a good boss.

 

And..... all of this has been of significant career benefit to you, in spite of your bringing forward your (unreciprocated) interest in him, multiple times.

 

What about this situation do you feel the need to destabilize?

 

But I haven't analyzed in months! And I have a lot on my plate I'm procrastinating.

Stop analyzing this one, stop procrastinating, and realize what a good career path you're on, in the middle of a sh**ty economy.

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