spookie Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 This seems to be the theme of my mid-twenties. For the last 4-5 years, I've had the same internal debate about almost all my relationships. I don't know if there's something wrong with me that prevents the butterflies from landing in my stomach, but I seem to have a problem falling in love with the guys that I date. I feel affection, but not a lot of pride. I think the problem is that I value trust to the point where it is more like an unreasonable fear of being cheated on, so I gravitate towards very "safe" options. However, what I perceive as "safe" characteristics, seem to be highly correlated with apathy, laziness, and passiveness, which cause these guys to make decisions and prioritize their time in a way I don't respect. I wish my bf had a better job. I wish he gave a s!ht, and invested more time into developing himself to be poised for a better career (as I am constantly doing), rather than surfing the web all day at work and watching tv all night when he comes home. I wish he had stronger passions, was more aggressive, more competitive. At the same time, it is so nice to have someone. Especially someone who makes your life better, with whom your lifestyle is strangely compatible, who will wait to cook a healthy dinner with you when you come home at 10 PM after a 15-hr workday. I don't want to be single, on the prowl for something bigger and better. That takes so much energy, and I'm swamped for the next 2-3 years. Ladies: is it acceptable to stay with someone you don't see yourself with for the long haul? Men do it all the time, but is it a bad decision for me, when I am nearing 30, and my clock has begun ticking? Do I need to get over my attraction for aggressive, competitive guys, and do a better job of loving the one that I'm with? Or do I need to look at the big picture, recognize my goal to be married one day, and end my (happy) relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
casanovadude81 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Welcome to the ultimate test of cerebral fitness. Thank god I’m only watching the game, controlling it. You know what you want, you just don’t know if it’s going to be better to go for it and fail. Is it humiliating not to go for it? Going for it could evolve you toward your real goal if this isn’t it. The things you want involve more then men and children.You want a life with more passion. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 I must have missed a big piece of your story. I thought you broke up with the guy who didn't do it for you, and that you were forging ahead with the guy who you loved in your past? Who seemed to embody all the things you missed in the recent guy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 i don't think anyone can answer these questions for you. to be honest, as a guy, i feel pretty bad for that dude. imagine a guy you were dating secretly had no intentions of ever staying with you long-term but was with you to pass the time until he had more time to get out there and look for a better mate. you say "lots of guys do this, so surely it isn't that bad" well i don't see how what other people do, has anything to do with your morals and values. right now you're no better than any of those guys. as long as your content and happy with that, then carry on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Well, given that you cheated on your last boyfriend only a couple months ago (after you kept pushing for him to say ILY) I say you do yourself and the other guys a favor and stay single, at least until you get some therapy. I know in your world it's all you you you you, but other people are not just characters in your own personal romance novel you know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nightsky Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 right now you're no better than any of those guys. as long as your content and happy with that, then carry on. She wouldn't be doing the guy any favors if she just kept dating him as to not hurt his feelings. Also she shouldn't feel guilty for questioning a relationship. She's alloud to be unsure. Has nothing to do with morals. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Well, given that you cheated on your last boyfriend only a couple months ago (after you kept pushing for him to say ILY) I say you do yourself and the other guys a favor and stay single, at least until you get some therapy. I know in your world it's all you you you you, but other people are not just characters in your own personal romance novel you know. Texting your ex and telling your current bf about it is not cheating in my book Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Texting your ex and telling your current bf about it is not cheating in my book Everyone here knows that's not what happened Link to post Share on other sites
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 I must have missed a big piece of your story. I thought you broke up with the guy who didn't do it for you, and that you were forging ahead with the guy who you loved in your past? Who seemed to embody all the things you missed in the recent guy? Are he details of my life actually relevant? I intended my thread to be a general hypothetical question. Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 She wouldn't be doing the guy any favors if she just kept dating him as to not hurt his feelings. Also she shouldn't feel guilty for questioning a relationship. She's alloud to be unsure. Has nothing to do with morals. It has everything to do with morals IMO. If you're asking if it's okay to stay with a guy you don't see yourself with long term, and you haven't explicitly told him "Oh btw, I will NOT be marrying you, this is only temporary until I have time to find someone better" that is deceitful and immoral. Sorry to burst your bubble. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 It is everything to do with morals IMO. If you're asking if it's okay to stay with a guy you don't see yourself with long term, and you haven't explicitly told him "Oh btw, I will NOT be marrying you, this is only temporary until I have time to find someone better" that is deceitful and immoral. Sorry to burst your bubble. Eh well, she was with her last boyfriend while she and her ex W were talking about W "putting a baby into her". She was even making plans with W to move somewhere together while she was still with her current boyfriend at the time! After she kept pressing for him (her current boyfriend) to say ILY... Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Spookie, you seem to be on the fence all the time about your job, where you live, who you're dating. The difficulty you have in committing to these things is putting you in moral gray areas all the time. Is that what you want? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Please clarify - I just looked at your thread from February where you said you broke up with your boyfriend and that you WERE going to be moving across the country to be with "W." What boyfriend exactly is this that we are talking about here? And yes, of course in circumstances like this, the details of your life would be relevant. If you are with one man while you are open and actively pursuing the possibility of running off with a different man - clearly, your relationship with Man 1 is not happening for you. Not necessarily because he is not "GOOD ENOUGH" for you, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Eh well, she was with her last boyfriend while she and her ex W were talking about W "putting a baby into her". She was even making plans with W to move somewhere together while she was still with her current boyfriend at the time! After she kept pressing for him (her current boyfriend) to say ILY... U are omitting some important information suh as: I talked to my ex about what was going on, w and I never even met up. If u are going to call me a cheater at least specify it was emotional and I was open about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Please clarify - I just looked at your thread from February where you said you broke up with your boyfriend and that you WERE going to be moving across the country to be with "W." What boyfriend exactly is this that we are talking about here? And yes, of course in circumstances like this, the details of your life would be relevant. If you are with one man while you are open and actively pursuing the possibility of running off with a different man - clearly, your relationship with Man 1 is not happening for you. Not necessarily because he is not "GOOD ENOUGH" for you, either. New guy. Haven't talked to either ex for months. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 U are omitting some important information suh as: I talked to my ex about what was going on, w and I never even met up. If u are going to call me a cheater at least specify it was emotional and I was open about it. No. You were doing a lot of this *after* you told your current boyfriend that you and W had been texting *and* you agreed to go "no contact" on W. I can find your old threads. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 No. You were doing a lot of this *after* you told your current boyfriend that you and W had been texting *and* you agreed to go "no contact" on W. I can find your old threads. I think this is an entirely new guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 No. You were doing a lot of this *after* you told your current boyfriend that you and W had been texting *and* you agreed to go "no contact" on W. I can find your old threads. I'm putting u on ignore Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 I don't think it's helpful to ignore major dealbreakers just in order to be in a relationship and have someone. It prevents you from finding someone who is a better fit for what you are looking for in a man. If you continue like this, you will not be looking for someone who does fit the bill of what you want in a long term mate, and you will wake up one day and find yourself dissatisfied and having to start over from scratch. That can be an unsettling thing when you get to be in your thirties and figure out you have to start over because this guy you've just spent the last few years of your life on is not someone you will be satisfied with for the long term. I think you need to determine, even write down on paper if you need to, what attributes you feel are a must have in a long term partner, and then compare your current boyfriend to that, to determine if he fits that criteria. If he doesn't, I would suggest you let him go now, because those criteria that are missing will only become a source of contention and dissatisfaction as time goes on. It's better to be realistic about what you want in a partner, and let someone go who does not fit that criteria, because staying with someone who doesn't fit that would only prevent you from finding someone who does. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/313072-one-who-got-away Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 I think this is an entirely new guy. Shocking. Spookie, this isn't a general question, I'm guessing it's how you're feeling in this brand new relationship which...geez how long have you even been broken up? Why don't you be SINGLE until you find a guy who REALLY "does it" for you? I mean it's been like 2 mos with new guy and already it's an insta-relationship and you're questioning it. So why not just be alone and find someone who you ACTUALLY want 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Spookie, you seem to be on the fence all the time about your job, where you live, who you're dating. The difficulty you have in committing to these things is putting you in moral gray areas all the time. Is that what you want? You're exactly right. It's not just relationships I'm always on the fence about, it's everything. And as the years go by, my risk aversion only seems to be increasing, causing me to settle for less in all aspects. That is what I am trying to get at with this thread. My options are: appreciate what I have, or look for something betteandesite regards to my boyfriends, and don't even get me started on my job). I cant seem to ever be able to figure out what the right answers are. Hiw do I break the cycle? Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 You're exactly right. It's not just relationships I'm always on the fence about, it's everything. And as the years go by, my risk aversion only seems to be increasing, causing me to settle for less in all aspects. That is what I am trying to get at with this thread. My options are: appreciate what I have, or look for something betteandesite regards to my boyfriends, and don't even get me started on my job). I cant seem to ever be able to figure out what the right answers are. Hiw do I break the cycle? When it comes to jobs, most of us need to have one to survive, so we take the best one we can get. We don't have to have a boyfriend, though. Especially if we are consciously thinking while in a relationship that the boyfriend is not "good enough" to commit to. You'll probably be ignoring me too after this, but I think that's an awful way to be considering a person you are actively involved in a relationship with. I think you need to NOT be in relationships with guys you don't think are "good enough" for you, even though you prefer not to be alone. It seems as if you are using people. If you are wanting the relationship that leads to commitment, why don't you leave yourself open to achieving that? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 I just don't think you view the men you're in relationships with as human beings. They're just another thing to upgrade in your personal pursuits of betterment. They're quite disposable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 spook, if you were to partner with someone aggressive, the two of you would be at loggerheads all the time trying to change each other to suit yourselves. The reason why W. appeals is that he's a safe chase, someone you can't get. Link to post Share on other sites
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