rbitrage Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 So I need to get out or at least take a break from this girl but just wondering how weak it looks to send an email explaining things vs a phone call/meeting. She has been taking me for granted and I am not happy. She is busy with work/studies right now but she set up dates a couple of times and re-scheduled or cancelled twice. She might be meeting other guys but we're not steady so that is not something that I can object to. We tend to text more than call, especially on her side. Just think the explanation will come out better by email but i don't necessarily want to close the door or come across as looking like a wuss by sending an email. Any thoughts Link to post Share on other sites
rocketman122 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 or come across as looking like a wuss by sending an email. yep, thats exactly how you'll come across as being. man up and do it face to face. the only way. she will respect you more and you wont have such a guilty conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 I broke up with girl by email, only because I was soo pissed at the time it was the best option. WRONG. Best option would have been to break up with her in person, after calming down. I've felt guilty about it ever since. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rbitrage Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 I would often say that calling or texting someone to "break up" or "take a breather" is not a good thing...BUT in this case, SHE's the one who seems to be less invested / interested in the relationship. She is too busy with her studies, has repeatedly broken / cancelled plans and you have a feeling that she is seeing other men. If it is as bad as I think it is, a call may just make her think, 'oh god, what does he want now...does he not get that I ignoring you or i don't want this'. Again that is worse case scenario. I am not trying to be an a-hole by breaking up the wussy way, but just bring some closure or clarity to the situation. I am myself also at the point of moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
GetTheClou Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Never did this and it never happened to me. But everything I would really call "relationship" in my past, there would be no other option but a face to face goodbye. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Who cares? Breakup via telegram if you want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rbitrage Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 that was very helpful Oxy. thanks for your valuable contribution to my question. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Well, I was going to say "Oh that's charming, that is... why so abrupt?" but then i thought - actually, if you're going to break up with her - who cares? IT's not the how, that will affect people - it's the actual break... in this day and age of techno-speak, and the way we communicate - it really doesn't matter, actually. send her an email, or send her a text. if you go out of the ordinary - that just seems weirder..... Link to post Share on other sites
lammie Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Definitely man up and do it in person. If you feel that she's disinterested you can tell her that you felt she's been distanced and would like to take a break if "we're both busy" to talk about the issue rather than a cowardly email or fading contacts. That's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 that was very helpful Oxy. thanks for your valuable contribution to my question. think about it - what would feel more natural to you? If you're going to break up with her, you're going to hurt her feelings anyway - so what would she be most open to, do you think, given that it's going to cause grief however you do it? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 I would often say that calling or texting someone to "break up" or "take a breather" is not a good thing...BUT in this case, SHE's the one who seems to be less invested / interested in the relationship. She is too busy with her studies, has repeatedly broken / cancelled plans and you have a feeling that she is seeing other men. If it is as bad as I think it is, a call may just make her think, 'oh god, what does he want now...does he not get that I ignoring you or i don't want this'. Again that is worse case scenario. I am not trying to be an a-hole by breaking up the wussy way, but just bring some closure or clarity to the situation. I am myself also at the point of moving on. To be honest if someone started fading on me like this I wouldn't even bother having a conversation, would just move on. If the other person then called me out I would explain that I didn't want to invest more but if I detected lack of interest in their part I wouldn't bother explaining myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rbitrage Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 yeah i don't even know if there would be any hurt feelings because her behavior says she doesn't give a crap so perhaps ignoring and moving on may be the best option. though still think something needs to be said. i dont know Link to post Share on other sites
lammie Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Do what you need to do, if you feel like something need to be said then do so, so you can have your closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rbitrage Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 I suspect i have already been played out and this need for closure will only hurt me more. She'll brush it off or say ok no prob or whatever and i'll feel even worse. Again just not in a good place about it right now in my head and i don't think anything i do as a form of contact to her will fix that. just gotta sort myself out first Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Maybe just ask her what her future plans are regarding the two of you? Would that kind of conversation make you too nervous? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rbitrage Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 every time i talk to her about us she says she is interested but is just really floored with work and school right now. She would text me from the library on a friday evening at 8-9pm. she's three months from graduating from a big program so i kinda get it, but not sure if she's being honest and if i am being a chump here Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 I worked full time while finishing my uni course part time (evening study) and still had time for a relationship. Nowdays when I'm busy (I'm training for a part-time police job while holding down a full time job) I organise myself in a way that I have time to see the guy I want. I get up early if I have to in order to free up my time in the evening. Maybe she is useless to organise herself but really, do you want to be with someone who can't sort herself out (if she is interested)? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rbitrage Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 Call me a sucker but yes i do if she's interested. But that is based on the current time period being an anomaly and not part of her personality. i just don't know if she is still interested because her actions speak louder than her words Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Am I misunderstanding something? It doesn't sound like there is an actual relationship involved here, therefore NO you don't have to do it in person. An email would be fine. "Contact me if / when you are less busy and are interested in exploring a relationship with me." Done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rbitrage Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 Yeah that is a tricky subject Veggirl. I honestly don't know if there is a relationship. We sometimes say stuff to eachother that implies we're in a serious relationship and other times it feels like a casual dating thing. 6-7 weeks ago we were talking about meeting eachother's families and what a future together would be like etc. It has been a weird path with this one and part of it is because i fell really hard for her right away, and then we both realized that and started slowing things down (she was also talking future plans and me meeting her family also). Now in the last 3-4 weeks she's gone into work/study mode and I dont know where we are to be honest (she's a med resident so is super busy for the next couple of months and told me a few weeks ago that it would be the case). My point now is to convey that let's start fresh when you finish your stuff in a couple of months but whether I say it by email or phone/in person, it's gonna have an impact on how she takes it. Don't want her to think i am abandoning her in her difficult time, but am upset she suggested dates and re-scheduled the day of. I know that is the life of people in medicine but I think she wants space, and I need space to re-think this whole thing so i need to convey this in a non-serious and mature way. If she's moved on then that is my loss. If she hasn't and just wants me to back off I am saying I am also ok with that. Now saying that by phone is probably more respectful and my goal is not to save face, it is to say look timing is bad for us right now so let's just chill out and see if it makes sense to look at this when you are done with your exam. Link to post Share on other sites
wwwjd Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 I'm in process of breaking up. Told her I want to talk face to face SOON. She said Friday, I said that is too far off. I said we need to talk on phone then. She is trying to find the time for that. She has 2.5 jobs. If she can't find time on phone for 5 minutes, I will email and TEXT her a "good bye" with very brief explanation. If that doesn't get through, I'll just completely ignore her going forward. Those are the steps, in my preferred and attempted order, that I will succeed in doing. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Am I misunderstanding something? It doesn't sound like there is an actual relationship involved here, therefore NO you don't have to do it in person. An email would be fine. "Contact me if / when you are less busy and are interested in exploring a relationship with me." Done. Right. An email is fine for casual situations. If you're ever in a LTR, at least do a phone call, but this isn't even a STR. It'd actually be fine if you didn't bother saying anything until she contacted you (and then you'd have to tell her how you felt -- ignoring her would be impolite), but it's more polite to let her know how you feel and where you stand in an email. That's PLENTY. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rbitrage Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 I know it seems so clear to some people that this is dead and buried, but I just can't make sense of it. How we go from her saying looking forward to seeing you and yeah let's go somewhere fun for the weekend, to complete silence in the last seven days. I could reach out, but it amazes me that at no point does she convey dis-interest once in our conversations. She has been the one asking me out for the last several weeks. I have been trying to just keep it simple and have simple chats. I know people are gonna say people find others, or lose interest etc but why can't she just say look i'm not into this anymore. It's ironic because i am doing everything to avoid getting dumped in all this no contact, or i break up first etc, but I just want her to tell me that it's over if she doesn't feel it anymore. We're both in our late 20s early 30s. Just be straight with me! When I ask her to she says I'm still interested but really busy etc. Too busy to just reach out and say how was your long weekend. I know the women here are gonna say get over it dude, but it's almost like i need to hear her say it's done and all else just won't feel like closure. Give me at least that simple little respectful gesture after all the taking for granted over the last several weeks. Please tell me how i am being really unreasonable in my request here Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Women would rather say anything they can, rather than go for the cruellest cut of all and tell you straight, it's over, especially when they're decent individuals, and still like you. she won't tell you straight, 'it's over' because she thinks it would be cruel, unkind and abrupt. besides, she may regret it later on.... so she's counting on you being patient, and hoping that you'll hang around long enough to see where this might go. bur right now her head's elsewhere.... you choice is to either bide your time and wait until she's more forthcoming and can focus exclusively on you - or cut your losses, move on and take your own life into your own hands. Link to post Share on other sites
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