LoveAnimals Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to read my post Anyway I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We have broken up three times in the past because of issues with his ex gf. They dated for four years and are/were still "good friends". I didnt origionally have a problem with this untils several things occured. These included things like her sending an inappropriate text to him and facebook messages that included the words love and miss you ( from him to her) and other things.. Nothing physical occured and he has insisted that he cares for her as a good friend and that she has always been there for him. The last time i left him because of the message he left her. For a month he tried to get back with me and finally we did. I gave him several rules and said he must tell me when they speak immediately and about what. This includes when she texts him as well. She texts or calls about once every 2 weeks and he has shown me/told me. He is also not allowed to see her alone. Even with this I still feel very betrayed and angry at him when i think of all he has put me through because of her. Although nothing physical occured i am so angry and constantly wondering if he wishes he was with her, thinks about her when were intimate, etc.. I have become so insecure and feel like i cant trust him. Even worse i have never cheated in my life but feel an intense urge to do so out of revenge. It is wrong but it is the way i feel. I do still love him but am so angry... Plus another factor is that she has some mutual friends with him and will probably be invited to some mutual parties. This would be beyond awkward and i feel like just giving up this relationship. Can it be salvaged? Link to post Share on other sites
InJest Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 I think you should end it. If he really wants to continue and you do too, then tell him they must cease all contact. Like completely ignore all communication from her. Defriend on facebook. Everything. If he hesitates or argues, then just tell him it's over and walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 he owes u a pile of reassuring compliments u are only human the ex should be part of the past and stay there - no more special messages cuz how can u feel secure and reassured with that? it is not possible - if his old crowd are around not great but so be it but ask him to telll his ex where his affections now lay some see an ideal in keeping good freinds with the ex but they usually get contradicted in on-line debates google to see them 1 Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 I say no. But that's because I was in a similarish situation and couldn't save it. In the end, he ended up reconnecting and marrying her despite a 10+ year relationship with me. If you can't let it go, even if there's nothing going on, you will place enough doubt in his mind that he will either allow something to happen between the two of them or he will not be able to deal with your insecurity/distrust and move on, even if it's not back into her arms. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 If your BF really loved you and wanted you, he would not be telling another girl he loves and misses her. If your BF gave a crap, he wouldn't continue doing things that he knows are inappropriate and he knows HURT YOU. Dump him immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 He told her he loved and MISSED her? I just don't get what's with people. Seriously. Threads like these pop up so often, and then the betraying partner is saying: "What's wrong? My ex and I are JUST FRIENDS. So, clearly we can say the same things to each other that people of the opposite sex who have always and ONLY been friends can." That's simply not true. First and foremost, she will always be his ex-girlfriend. I remember having that very same argument with my ex about his ex: it took ages to drill it into his thick skull. She would never be just his 'friend.' I would never call her his 'friend.' She was his 'ex.' Worlds of difference there. This isn't just a person you talked to and had fun with. This is a person you viewed erotically, had sex with, were closest to at one point. OP, I think you need to go. I can say from experience that even if the external situation resolves itself, you will always have doubts and worry, and rightfully so. And the thoughts of revenge cheating? Very common and very normal. But I can say he isn't worth it. Dump him and go make out with a hottie of your choosing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LZ2000 Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 Honestly, whatever you do, do not cheat on your boyfriend on the basis of taking revenge on your boyfriend. It may carry several consequences that one might regret after a long time, and the legacy of such actions may even linger longer than you may want it to be. If you are supremely angry and insecure right now, I suggest that you set aside some time for yourself exclusively, and spend some time recuperating from all the negative emotions that you have felt lately. It did me wonders when I went no contact away from my ex, and gave me a great sense of peace no one was able to give. I wish you the very best that is yet to come, whatever it may be ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gibson Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 If you are dating someone and they tell you they are "just" friends or "good" friends with someone... That only means they are "just" friends or "good" friends for now. Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 I've seen "exes who are really friends" and "exes who pretend to be friends." The difference is usually in language and emotional "energy." The romantic love has flowed into platonic love... it's still love, but instead of saying "I love you" they say things like "O I heart you" or "Oh I love ya, ya big goof." It's a lot more light hearted. If, however, they are using the 'romantic' heavy language of 'I love you' and 'I miss you,' there's a good chance that there's still a connection between them. Or more accurately, there's a connection on one side, and a useage on the other. If you don't mine my asking, why did they break up?? Who dumped who? My sheer guess is she dumped him, and he still holds a candle for her... and she's just kind of using him for attention/validation/back-burner. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing is, if they were gonna get back together... they would have already, especially during the times when you and he were broken up. When two people are confessing 'emotional' connection in that way, but are not dating... it's cause one of them doesn't actually want to. The bad news is, dating someone who isn't over their ex is extremely painful. Even if he never leaves you for her, he's still not fully engaged in the relationship. And that's something HE needs to decide to change, not you. I understand the idea of dictating behavior to make you more comfortable, but what you're really trying to do is dictate his behavior to change how he feels about her... and that's just not going to happen. He needs to do it. And you either need to decide that you're willing to stick around to see if that happens (or stick around and be okay that it doesn't), or cut out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaconBaconBacon Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 Sorry to say this but I don't think so. Once the damage is done, there's nothing you can do to try and erase what happened. You have every right to feel vengeful but don't stoop to his level. The reason he came back to you begging for you to be with him again is because your better than him and he knows that. It's hard to gain back trust once someone has betrayed you like that. If you still have a gut feeling about it, then go with it. Don't let him be the reason why you feel insecure. You come first, no matter what. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 I used to just drop women if I found out they were still friends with ex's because in my experience they were still sleeping them or wound up sleeping with them while with me. But then I realized I was missing out on sex & decided to just tell them I don't get serious with women who are friends with ex's & let them decide. Sometimes it was a win/win for me. I got laid & she got to go back to her ex guilt free. OP, i'd end it. Watch him get back with her after. You will be glad you did. Link to post Share on other sites
N0where Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 Well of course your insecure, but its actions which are creating the insecurity. He can tell you he loves you and blah blah blah, but at the end of the day, is actions show that he has little respect for your feelings. Explain that to him see what he says. Are you jealous or insecure when he talks to other female friends or co-workers, I doubt it. He can tell you all he wants to that there is "nothing going on" but that's what he would say even if there was something going on. He may not be cheating on you physically, but he IS cheating on you emotionally! Respect yourself and walk out the door! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveAnimals Posted April 7, 2012 Author Share Posted April 7, 2012 Thank you everyone. To asnswer some questions he told me they had broken up mostly mutually but it was mroe of him leaving her. They were each others firsts and he said it came to a point that they would either get married or not and he just couldnt see themselves getting married so it ended. Anyway I think this relationship is over. I have realized that he can do everything right from now on but i will still be angry, insecure and paranoid over this. We tried... Thank you everyone for your input, i appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Get married or break up? sense....that makes none. Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Get married or break up? sense....that makes none. Eh makes some sense. I've heard a lot of guys claim they like their girlfriends, they have a good relationship, but they're pretty sure she's the "the one." So they dump a perfectly compatible relationship, but then can't leave it in the past because there was technically nothing wrong with it. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Eh makes some sense. I've heard a lot of guys claim they like their girlfriends, they have a good relationship, but they're pretty sure she's the "the one." So they dump a perfectly compatible relationship, but then can't leave it in the past because there was technically nothing wrong with it. That still makes no sense. If she's "the one" then why does it have to be break up or marry? Why not just keep dating? Especially since we are talking about young people. If you can date from your 20's into your 30's then she's "the one" Link to post Share on other sites
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