Woggle Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Everybody here keeps telling me that I should open up to my wife and while I see what they are saying I see so many examples of how this backfires that I am scared to. I always makes sure I act like the strong alpha male around her because that is what women seem attracted to. I come on here to vent when I am feeling down or I am sometimes talk to my friends but I never turn to her for emotional support because I don't want her to lose attraction. I even hide when I am not feeling good. Am I doing this wrong? Believe I am even afraid of opening up around women in group therapy because I am afraid they will laugh at me like my ex did when I cried at my friend's funeral. Women how do you feel when a man is vulnerable and turns to you for emotional support? Does it make you closer or does it make you lose attraction to them? Link to post Share on other sites
DontWorryBHappy Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Your ex is a b*tch. Secondly, it can be a beautiful thing when a man turns to a woman for emotional support. It's just important not to be the kind of person who is constantly doing so, because then your partner will feel like they have to "fix" you or that you can't be happy with yourself. But it's normal for both genders to need emotional support. Actually, studies show that men are better off when they have female friendships, because they can talk to them about some stuff that they wouldn't with other guys. I mean you don't have to lose it and become a puddle of tears around your wife (although if you did I wouldn't fault you for it). Maybe try telling her about something you're going through and see what her response is. It might make the two of you closer. You never know, maybe she's like one of those women who occasionally come on here posting about how their man never opens up to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 There's a big difference between being a cry baby and sharing emotional intimacy with a female. Women are not all the same and are unique--one at a time--like men, so it matters who she is and what she values. There is not one way for a man to be with all women in general. You have to be able to sense who she is and if she will see willingness to disclose deepest personal secrets and feelings as a strength and symbol of sacred trust or one the opposite end of the spectrum, she just wants you to be her illusion of strength and have no guts that actually feel. I have been betrayed by believing I could be intimate, but that was with someone who was unstable and who changed from day to day and was paranoid at times. It is very painful to have your deep personal intimate disclosures used as weapons against you. But that's the risk and one can survive. I wouldn't stay with someone who betrayed me like that though. Unfortunately I have also been discarded because of my disclosures and in that case I realized that this person was less than I believed of her. One thing I can't see is being a front all the time. What is life and experience for if not sharing with someone close? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 It takes a strong man to open up and share himself fully with a woman. Don't be afraid Woggle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 I appreciate the fact that they feel safe enough to trust me in that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Troll post is so obvious...troll! I thought you'd taken a break. Bloody hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 4 min till my work is finished I will be gone for the day. Waist of time trolling at home after work....at work..nice way to pass time...troll! That's what I thought. A way to pass the time at work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted March 15, 2012 Author Share Posted March 15, 2012 USSR stay out of this thread. I am being serious. I am tired of feeling like I need to be a cold robot in front of women so they won't lose attraction to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 What is the point of being something you aren't to keep someone attracted to a fake version of yourself? What do you gain by doing that? Sure, you keep your relationship. You end up with a relationship with someone who doesn't know the real you. Yay, what a prize! Plus, you never get to be who you really are. You walk through life with a mask on. That gets tiring fast! Let your guard down and be yourself. This includes sharing how you feel, and even crying. Wouldn't you rather know now if your wife is the kind of person who would laugh at you when you cry? Link to post Share on other sites
Saxis Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 USSR stay out of this thread. I am being serious. I am tired of feeling like I need to be a cold robot in front of women so they won't lose attraction to me. Women? They? How many other women are you trying to attract? Does your wife approve? Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Everybody here keeps telling me that I should open up to my wife and while I see what they are saying I see so many examples of how this backfires that I am scared to. I always makes sure I act like the strong alpha male around her because that is what women seem attracted to. I come on here to vent when I am feeling down or I am sometimes talk to my friends but I never turn to her for emotional support because I don't want her to lose attraction. I even hide when I am not feeling good. Am I doing this wrong? Believe I am even afraid of opening up around women in group therapy because I am afraid they will laugh at me like my ex did when I cried at my friend's funeral. Women how do you feel when a man is vulnerable and turns to you for emotional support? Does it make you closer or does it make you lose attraction to them? Sometimes I think you're a little bit nuts with your paranoia regarding women, but you do have some nasty stories to tell about women. A man who is open about his feelings and who turns to his partner for emotional support, will make her feel closer to him. It will also help her feel more secure in her relationship since a lot of guys seem to open up only to people they really trust and care about. I'd say, if a guys starts opening up to a women, she's in. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 It takes a strong man to open up and share himself fully with a woman. Don't be afraid Woggle. Agreed! When my SO has shared himself with me - his dreams, his goals, his fears (both as to our relationship, and in general) - he's only proven to me just how strong of a man he really is. Every time he shows that side to me, I feel closer to him, and I'm flattered that he felt comfortable enough with me and our relationship secure enough to share those tough feelings. On top of it, he gets that much sexier in my eyes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Wogs, another way to look at this risk is as a canary. It's a great way to determine whether and to what extent a woman actually loves one, or if she is primarily in it because she likes/loves that the man likes/loves her. No doubt about it; it's a risk. A healthy woman will find it to strengthen her love and bond with the man she loves. How do you feel when your wife is vulnerable to/with you? What's your response as a human being? Do you think that's healthy or not? Why? Being able to be vulnerable and openly emotional is a gift no one can ever take away. They (others) can't touch it. Sure, they can ridicule it and abuse it. Those are the flailings of a dying spirit, already mostly into the abyss. Let them go. It's OK. Live your life on your terms. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Everybody here keeps telling me that I should open up to my wife and while I see what they are saying I see so many examples of how this backfires that I am scared to. I always makes sure I act like the strong alpha male around her because that is what women seem attracted to. I come on here to vent when I am feeling down or I am sometimes talk to my friends but I never turn to her for emotional support because I don't want her to lose attraction. I even hide when I am not feeling good. Am I doing this wrong? Believe I am even afraid of opening up around women in group therapy because I am afraid they will laugh at me like my ex did when I cried at my friend's funeral. Women how do you feel when a man is vulnerable and turns to you for emotional support? Does it make you closer or does it make you lose attraction to them? It makes me feel closer to him in a monumental way. Some of the best sex we've ever had is after he's been open with me. I find that we are a lot more affectionate too. Since the circumstances surrounding our daughter gave happened, it has been comforting to know we are going through some of the same deep grief emotions together, it is building us together in a way that I cannot see unravelling again (as long as we keep up with things). It puts us on the same page and the same team. Caution: when sharing with your wife for the first time, do not be surprised if she is very shocked and has a "knee-jerk" reaction to the things you are telling her or even the feelings themselves. As well, pick your timing: sharing right after an argument or while you are at the grocery store is kind of a bad idea. Last thing: be very careful not to phrase your feelings as an attack on her. (I.e. YOU statements) Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Share some "positives" and "appreciations" too. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 It makes me feel closer to him. I feel honored to be trusted, and it makes me feel special to him. I know he doesn't trust anyone else as he trusts me. It is very bonding. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Every guy I've been with seriously (and even those I've just dated briefly) has exposed his vulnerabilities to me, and I've been receptive and compassionate. To me, it's a strong sign that he respects, trusts, and loves me. There's something very sweet and sexy about a strong guy showing you his soft underbelly. Any woman that would not respond to this with compassion isn't a caring person. Is your wife a caring person? How do you think she'd respond to another guy revealing his vulnerabilities -- say, her brother, or another male relative? I'm guessing she'd be very understanding and supportive of him or of you. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 I would guess she married the man she wanted. The strong alpha type. Frisky is right too, there is a big difference between opening up and breaking down crying. I don't know any woman that finds a uncontrollably weeping man attractive, at least your ex was honest with you. Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Yes! This is unfortunately a sad truth about how nearly every woman will react to a man's vulnerabilities and insecurities. I've not exposed one mm of any of those things to my girlfriend and she's been my longest ever relationship. When I've been the softer guy in the past they vanished. It isn't by coincidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted March 16, 2012 Author Share Posted March 16, 2012 Every guy I've been with seriously (and even those I've just dated briefly) has exposed his vulnerabilities to me, and I've been receptive and compassionate. To me, it's a strong sign that he respects, trusts, and loves me. There's something very sweet and sexy about a strong guy showing you his soft underbelly. Any woman that would not respond to this with compassion isn't a caring person. Is your wife a caring person? How do you think she'd respond to another guy revealing his vulnerabilities -- say, her brother, or another male relative? I'm guessing she'd be very understanding and supportive of him or of you. She is a very caring person and in the beginning I was never afraid to show that side of me but then I see what happens to men who do show that side and I hear how many other men tell me never to let a woman see you as weak and I changed it up. I am sick of trying to pretend to be something I am not just so she won't lose attraction. I hate to say this but there is a big gap between what women say and what women do and when most men tell me I am right I tend to believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Talk with your wife, Woggle. From everything you've said about her, you have no reason to believe she wouldn't be supportive and accepting of you sharing your thoughts and fears. It will bring you closer together. Go on, bridge the gap. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 She is a very caring person and in the beginning I was never afraid to show that side of me but then I see what happens to men who do show that side and I hear how many other men tell me never to let a woman see you as weak and I changed it up. I am sick of trying to pretend to be something I am not just so she won't lose attraction. I hate to say this but there is a big gap between what women say and what women do and when most men tell me I am right I tend to believe it. Woggle, your wife fell in love with you "in the beginning", so she has already shown you that she is attracted to you when you share your vulnerable side. You let your fears twist you around, created a lot of drama in your head and magnified your fears to enormous proportions. Now look at where you are. Don't let your fears make you afraid of being yourself. Certainly not with your wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted March 16, 2012 Author Share Posted March 16, 2012 Talk with your wife, Woggle. From everything you've said about her, you have no reason to believe she wouldn't be supportive and accepting of you sharing your thoughts and fears. It will bring you closer together. Go on, bridge the gap. If your man shared his thoughts and fears how would you react? Be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Nightsky Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 I would leave it at "I'm afraid of being hurt" and not go into all the "you're a woman you're just going to cheat on me and get high fives from your friends" stuff. For the most part women like a strong man who is like a rock. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 (edited) Bearing burdens isn't weak. It is strong. If you dumped your burdens on someone else, i.e. crumbling and making others pick up the pieces, would be weak. Allowing your prejudices to cause you to treat someone shabbily who doesn't deserve it would be weak. Being afraid to allow your vulnerabilities to show would be weak. Shedding tears at the loss of a friend, sharing your fears and concerns - that is normal and healthy. Edited March 16, 2012 by donnamaybe 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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