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Should he still talk to his ex now?


G8rKelly

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I've been dating my boyfriend on and off since 2006, and he was still very much in love with his ex when we started dating. In Dec. 2006, he broke up with me because of his unresolved feelings for her. I was devastated, and I did not handle it well mentally or emotionally.

 

In mid-2007, he realized she did not really want to be with him, and so ended things with her to get back together with me. We moved in together. The relationship was still very rocky though because he was still in touch with this ex. He promised me they'd never see each other in person (she lived a couple hours from us anyway), but I constantly obsessed over when and how much they spoke. We constantly fought over it.

 

I finally decided I could never be happy in the relationship as long as his ex was part of his life. So I broke up with him. I guess this was a wake up call, because he emailed her, telling her they couldn't be friends anymore and copied me on it. After a few weeks, I relented and we got back together again, and we got engaged just a few weeks after that. He kept his word and did not communicate with her at all. Once or twice she texted him, and he told me about it right away, and assured me again he would keep his word and not communicate with her at all, not even to tell her they couldn't talk. He just ignored her.

 

We had a great few months, and then due to other unforeseen circumstances, we ended the relationship. Now, we have been seeing each other for almost a year solid, and in my mind anyway, things are going well. I can see that he and I have both grown up or matured in many ways, we are working harder to be solid, dependable partners for the other, and now we are planning our future together. We have talked about the potential for marriage again. He is moving for a new job opportunity, and we are both planning how I can find work and move with him in the next six months or so.

 

While we were apart the last time (late 2010 and early last year), he friended this ex on Facebook again and they talked by phone a couple times. She is in (what he says is) a serious relationship, and she and this guy have a new child together. They live more than eight hours from us.

 

I have tolerated him being her Facebook friend, mainly because they rarely write anything to each other at all. However, he brought up yesterday that he wants to be able to talk to her more on Facebook and by phone or email. I got very upset because frankly I don't think he should speak to her at all.

 

There is a very troubling history with me, him and this girl, and I'd just rather her not have any access to his life or mine. I love this man tremendously. I feel that there are compromises and solutions to any other issue we may face, but in the past I knew that in order to be happy with him, he could not have any contact with her.

 

He says this is different because admittedly before he still had feelings for her and was unable to let her go. Now, he says she was a big part of his life and he just wants to talk to her once or twice a year on the phone and the occasional public Facebook post to keep up with each other's lives.

 

I am not really worried anymore about her being a threat to us. It is more that I just hate her guts - she was disrespectful toward me and my relationship with him; she also admitted to him in email that she didn't really want my boyfriend, but just didn't want anyone else to have him. He was very angry about that for a short time.

 

I guess maybe I should have considered this before we got back together. What advice do you have for me? Am I unrealistic to think he should let her go once again and focus on us? Is it really harmless for him to talk to her?

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I think you're being realistic with this. While I understand wanting to be connected in the social pipeline, even to my ex's, I think he should respect your wish of just not talking to her.

 

HOWEVER.

 

You did say that the ex is involved with someone else and they have children. So his want to keep in touch with her may just actually be, wanting to keep in touch.

 

All in all though, from what I've read, you're on-again-off-again past conveys a shaky relationship to me. So it would be wise for him to not worry so much about his ex's life, but about the two of you instead.

 

Not to scare you, but I've done the same thing with a girl that I was with. She didn't want me talking to my ex, who split us up once before. I respected that, but eventually got back in touch with her. Soon, I realized what I was doing and saying to my ex was not appropriate or fair to my girlfriend.

 

I would talk to him more about this. And don't go into the conversation with allegations, just discuss it.

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How old is your BF? How long were him and the ex together?

 

I'm troubled by the fact that after 6 years he still can't seem to let her go. Considering the wishy washyness he showed towards you / her in the past (bouncing back and forth), I'd expect a clean break from her if he wanted to be with me.

 

Perhaps things will be clearer to you when he moves. I'd strongly recommend you wait a few months before even considering looking for work where he is moving to. This is not a relationship I'd be comfortable uprooting my life for, when it's been so rocky throughout.

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IF its so important to have contact with her - and he's willing to hurt your feelings by doing so - I wouldn't consider being with any man for even a minute if that was his priority.

 

When he's got to talk to her THAT much - she is his priority over you.

 

He's not respecting you.

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Many thanks to the three of you for your responses. I really do appreciate it and want to hear as many unbiased opinions as possible.

 

Veggirl, he is almost 35 and I am 33. He was with this particular ex for about four or five years I think right before he and I met.

 

When we got back together and got engaged in 2009, he had agreed to never see her or speak to her again. That was the condition of us getting back together.

 

But now, after another period of six months where we had broken up (due to several factors not related to her), he says that he feels it okay to chat with her maybe once or twice a year on the phone or through public facebook posts because, in his words, previously he still had feelings for her and it was inappropriate. Now, he says, he has no more feelings for her, knows he loves me and would always choose me over her.

 

Sigurpol I do agree more conversation needs to happen. I am not okay with this right now, and it's going to be detrimental, especially when he's moving five hours away. Trust is crucial, and it's a little damaged right now. :(

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Geez, what a mess. This may be more serious than I thought. Since I posted the reply today, I have since found out that my bf plans to see his "friends" here to say goodbye before he moves in about two to three weeks.

 

These "friends" include girls he was seeing while we were broken up last year. He has not told any of them we are even together. They aren't on his facebook or anything, so they wouldn't know that we are together unless he tells them. This has been a point of contention with me for awhile; one that I thought we could work through to find a solution or compromise but maybe not.

 

I am extremely hurt because 1) I figured he'd want to spend as much time as he can with ME, his GIRLFRIEND, before he moves five hours away, and 2) because he doesn't see a problem with meeting an ex-girlfriend for coffee or lunch without telling her about us being in a serious relationship.

 

I just cannot believe this. And I want to find some way to justify it in my head because I love him so much, but I know this is wrong. I thought he had matured past this phase. I didn't think I would ever feel less important than other girls in his life again.

 

I am so sad, and I'm sitting here in my office crying with the door closed, wondering what excuse I can make up to take the rest of the day off. :(

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You have every right to feel the way you do and he is completely disrespecting your feelings. The fact that he sees nothing wrong with meeting up with his old girlfriends and not tell them about you is a HUGE red flag. That means he is keeping his options open. It culd also mean that he is setting the stage to cheat on you. You need to call him out on this and make it clear that he is plain flat wrong for not seeing how inappropriate it is to hang out with ex's without telling them he is involved with you. It just wrong on so many levels!

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You have every right to feel the way you do and he is completely disrespecting your feelings. The fact that he sees nothing wrong with meeting up with his old girlfriends and not tell them about you is a HUGE red flag. That means he is keeping his options open. It culd also mean that he is setting the stage to cheat on you. You need to call him out on this and make it clear that he is plain flat wrong for not seeing how inappropriate it is to hang out with ex's without telling them he is involved with you. It just wrong on so many levels!

 

I think so, too. I have even told him that I wouldn't think it's so terrible if he had shared with them that we are together. We got in a fight this morning about it and now he is at a work event for a couple hours. I guess I have to talk to him about later.

 

I even facebook chatted with his female cousin who's a friend of mine, and she agrees that if he doesn't tell them about us that it is not right of him to be seeing them.

 

I texted him to suggest that instead of seeing them individually he have a going away dinner/party and invite everyone, including me. That way he can ensure that they are "just friends", but still see everyone and at the same time they will obviously know he and I are together.

 

My gut says he won't go for it though.

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So now you are a secret... To these "other women" he's spending time and energy communicating with.

 

He has his options open - that's for sure!

 

When are you planning to tell him it's over and you're not gonna settle for this anymore?

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You have stated YOUR preference. He blew you off and did/does what HE wants - knowing it WILL hurt you.

 

Is that the kind if guy YOU want? Because that IS the kind of guy he's proving to be.

 

Why would you want a man who intentionally hurts you?

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If he shoots down the party idea, I'd recommend calling it quits - there's little hope of salvaging if he's not open to meeting you halfway.

 

You two have had a very rocky past and it doesn't sound to me like he wants to make the relationship a priority. AND you guys are about to enter into what sounds like a long-distance relationship??? Even healthy relationships meet their death in that phase.

 

I agree with Chelsea and Sunny - he's trying to keep his options open, and it doesn't sound like you two have a lot of time to work this out before he leaves.

 

It would be better for you to break up with him if you two aren't going to live close enough to work on these issues.

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Reporting me because you don't like what I have to say, isn't going to change the truth of what I've said.

 

I don't like HOW you say it. I don't need to be cursed at and told to stop whining. If you want to have juvenile, teenaged banter, offer advice elsewhere. Most people on this page have offered true, honest feedback without bashing me.

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So, why are you so willing to do something about someone you don't even know being disrespectful, but you're unwilling to do anything about your boyfriend?

 

How people say things is trivial. The "what" is what really matters. If the truth hurts you that much, then change it. Don't go taddling.

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So, why are you so willing to do something about someone you don't even know being disrespectful, but you're unwilling to do anything about your boyfriend?

 

How people say things is trivial. The "what" is what really matters. If the truth hurts you that much, then change it. Don't go taddling.

 

Because I don't have feelings for you, and I haven't spent the last year growing and learning to discuss/compromise like adults with you. While this particular issue is bad, and maybe even a dealbreaker if he isn't willing to compromise, there are numerous other positive aspects of our relationship that have kept us coming back together for so long.

 

By posting here, I was actually trying to gather unbiased feedback to make a solid decision that I can feel confident about. I do not need someone harping on me or trying to make me feel bad about asking for help.

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looking at OP, I think I'd turn the tables on him a bit and get a few key male friends so he can see something, something, of how all this feels; tbh I think OP needs a few good nights out anyway

 

:) that's my two cents!

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I wasn't trying to make you feel bad about asking for help. I was trying to make you feel bad for even letting it get to this point, and the fact that you still seem like you'd put up with his behavior still. I'd say my opinion is more unbiased than anyone, because I don't care if my words hurt your feelings.

 

I'm curious. Given the feedback you've received, what will be your decision if he doesn't go for the party idea and wants to say individual goodbyes?

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I wasn't trying to make you feel bad about asking for help. I was trying to make you feel bad for even letting it get to this point, and the fact that you still seem like you'd put up with his behavior. I'd say my opinion is more unbiased than anyone, because I don't care if my words hurt your feelings.

 

I'm curious. Given the feedback you've received, what will be your decision if he doesn't go for the party idea and wants to say individual goodbyes?

 

Well my first choice would be that he just be forthcoming about our relationship. He's pretty open about us on Twitter and Facebook, but the girls in question do not use Twitter and aren't his Facebook friends, so they don't see that we are together. I think he should tell them about us...in normal conversation with friends, you'd generally mention your girlfriend, especially when he says how much he loves me or how important I am to him.

 

Second option (or in conjunction with first choice) is to have the going away party.

 

If he refuses to do one or both, I will have to walk away. I will never be happy with him in communication with exes that do not know about us.

 

I have always told him that I am not bothered by friends of the opposite sex, and I don't have to be friends with all of his friends.

 

BUT, all of his friends need to be "friends of our relationship;" meaning they need to know about us and have the best interests of our relationship at heart. I need to know they aren't secretly trying to sabotage us, or that he doesn't secretly harbor feelings for other people.

 

The way he refuses to tell a certain girl or two about us being together makes me not trust him. And obviously neither of us will be happy if I don't trust him.

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How long has this been going on?

 

Well, he let me know Sunday that he wanted to get more active on Facebook for networking since he is moving, and that he might comment a bit more on this ex-girlfriend's page (the one who broke us up in 07).

 

Then today I asked him something about an event he was going to and whether this other girl might be there (a girl he dated while we were apart in February of last year), and he mentioned he planned to see her and several other friends before he left.

 

I flipped out. I told him I was not okay with him seeing her alone or without him talking to her about me. I don't expect him to just blurt out that "Hey, me and Kelly are in a serious relationship and she's probably moving with me in a few months."

 

But in normal conversation, if she asks what he's been up to, he could mention things we do together, movies we've seen, etc. so that she's well aware that he is spoken for and that he is only seeing her as a friend.

 

It's my opinion that these girls wouldn't want to remain his friend if they knew of me, because I don't think they really want to just be friends.

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His actions have already told you what he wants you to know. He's moving further away...

 

I want him to move to Atlanta. His job here sucks. He and I have talked about goals such as getting married, buying a home and having kids some day. We'll never be able to accomplish those if he stays in this job. The Atlanta job is much better for him and for us as a couple.

 

Additionally, he has said repeatedly he wants me to move there with him. He has encouraged me about job-seeking there. He's asked his future employer good places to consider renting or buying homes. He is living with family temporarily to save money and to see if I might be able to move up there, too, before he gets a place on his own.

 

His moving is completely irrelevant.

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Even if he does tell the girls about you, why would you trust him after all it has taken you to convince him to do so. Have you considered the possibility of girls he talks to that you don't know about?

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Even if he does tell the girls about you, why would you trust him after all it has taken you to convince him to do so. Have you considered the possibility of girls he talks to that you don't know about?

 

He's not a cheater. He's just immature when it comes to letting past events/people stay in the past. Not saying it is right, or okay.

 

And why would I trust him? Because he would have listened to me and thought things through and come to a compromise. It's always about compromise. It hasn't been all that much. We had an argument Sunday, and we had an argument today.

 

As I mentioned before, for numerous reasons, I love this guy. To make a relationship work, you have to find solutions that meet both people's needs, with some exceptions.

 

I think part of his problem is that he also has a need for approval from people. He can't stand hurting people's feelings and he can't stand when someone he built a relationship with - friend, customer, ex-girlfriend, family - is angry or cuts him off.

 

When we broke up last year, he wanted to stay friends with me, too, and I refused.

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I like the going away party idea. Talk it up, "This will be so much fun! All your friends will be able to see you before you go and I'll be able to finally meet them all." Then be in charge of the RSVP list and make sure those women are invited. They need to see you two as a couple. "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer."

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