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How much teasing is too much??


ditzchic

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Reading over Kallen's thread got me to thinking....

 

Obviously what the guy she was dating was saying was way over the top and absolutely unacceptable. But when it comes to sarcastic jokes and teasing at your partner's expense, exactly how much is too much? When does it become not just teasing but more borderline emotional abuse?

 

I tend to run pretty sarcastic myself but I always try to not make jokes about overly personal things. And I always make the jokes obvious teasing jokes (like talking about someone's nerdy habits, or making light fun of their taste in TV or music) but never meanly sarcastic comments about their looks or clothes or jobs or something that could cut really deep.

 

I've dated guys that have joked about that type of stuff. Like making a snide comment about a dress that I bought especially for that date with him, or making fun of the way I did my hair or make-up or whatever. Or snide comments about how I'm doing something "wrong" because it's not the way they would normally do it. I can never tell if I run over sensitive to those kind of jokes or if that really does make the guy a jerk.

 

Thoughts?

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HeartOnSleeve

I think it's different for everyone. I can be sarcastic so who ever I date I kind of test the water and see what their gauge is and I feel that they do the same. If something hits below the belt, I have no problem just saying "ouch, that one kind of hurt" and they typically get it. Kallen's comments were just rude and unnecessary for any woman to hear.

 

I say follow your gut...if they say something and it makes your cringe not giggle, say so. Set your boundaries.

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Oxy Moronovich

If the guy says something you don't like, you let him know you don't like it, and he apologizes and never says it again, then that shows respect.

 

If he repeatedly does stuff he knows you don't like, then that shows disrespect.

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Reading over Kallen's thread got me to thinking....

 

Obviously what the guy she was dating was saying was way over the top and absolutely unacceptable. But when it comes to sarcastic jokes and teasing at your partner's expense, exactly how much is too much? When does it become not just teasing but more borderline emotional abuse?

 

I tend to run pretty sarcastic myself but I always try to not make jokes about overly personal things. And I always make the jokes obvious teasing jokes (like talking about someone's nerdy habits, or making light fun of their taste in TV or music) but never meanly sarcastic comments about their looks or clothes or jobs or something that could cut really deep.

 

I've dated guys that have joked about that type of stuff. Like making a snide comment about a dress that I bought especially for that date with him, or making fun of the way I did my hair or make-up or whatever. Or snide comments about how I'm doing something "wrong" because it's not the way they would normally do it. I can never tell if I run over sensitive to those kind of jokes or if that really does make the guy a jerk.

 

Thoughts?

 

I don't think it's every appropriate to joke about a woman's looks, least of all her hair! Is the guy a moron? Never joke about a woman's hair or weight if you expect to have a relationship with her.

 

Joking about lifestyle choices is okay, once you get to know the person.

 

I think a lot of it is upbringing though. The way family members joke about each other can influence this a lot :)

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I don't think it's every appropriate to joke about a woman's looks, least of all her hair! Is the guy a moron? Never joke about a woman's hair or weight if you expect to have a relationship with her.

 

Joking about lifestyle choices is okay, once you get to know the person.

 

I think a lot of it is upbringing though. The way family members joke about each other can influence this a lot :)

 

You raise a good point. I grew up in a house where we would joke around a lot but rarely at the expense of each other. If we were making fun of a person it would be ourselves. But we kept it light when it came to each other. So yeah, that makes a lot of sense regarding my sense of humor.

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make me believe

When I was younger I dated a guy who had totally opposite taste in music/tv/movies than myself, and I used to tease him in what I considered a light-hearted, fun way. Never snide and never about anything 'important.' But when we stopped dating, he said one of the reasons he didn't want to even be friends with me anymore was because I was too mean and always making fun of him. :( I felt really horrible about that because I honestly thought my teasing was just occasional fun banter.

 

I've learned that some people can really take that stuff personally, and you'd better be sure that the person you're teasing is finding it as light-hearted as you are. You might be really hurting their feelings or killing their attraction to you. I think a lot of people take sarcasm personally.

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Disenchantedly Yours

Teasing can be about bonding or be simply abusive. I've had strangers try to joke with me about things were completely inappriopiate but were funny and okay when good friends did the same. Intention behind the teasing matters.

 

Although, I don't think I could be with a man that teased me about the way I looked. Maybe tease me about little light things though. I want the guy that is with me to think I am beautiful. Not something to make fun of.

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Well, I think the essence of teasing is that 1) the person must know it's teasing, and 2) you must know them well enough to read their responses and know when not to do it again.

 

This is where people from different cultures or genders screw up. Eg I once saw an American friend of mine do a 'yo mama' joke to a Chinese friend of mine. Oh boy, that did not end well.. :p

 

Genders - men and women are, in general (of course there are exceptions) sensitive to different things, I believe. Men generally know about the 'weight' deal, but they still might not realize that a woman would be more sensitive to being teased about their hair or clothes. Guys just laugh off that sort of stuff when they are teased. OTOH, women might not realize that men are more sensitive to being teased about ego-based things. Two women will happily tease each other, or even self-deprecate, about the lack of ability to perform certain skills - fixing a car or finding directions to a place, for instance. Most men I know would feel small if they were teased about that.

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Banter is awesome. Tease about things that aren't a big deal, and poke some fun at yourself and you should be fine.

 

EDIT: Going to make_me_believe's example, the guy's tastes in music meant a lot to him. If he has a hobby or passion, realize that and keep away from bantering about it.

Edited by Imajerk17
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