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She wants space and doesn't feel the "spark" anymore...


96Firebird

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I will try and condense the post, but it will be a long one. Brace yourself...

 

My girlfriend (22) and I (23) have been going out for 3.5 years now. We have had a pretty stable relationship, NEVER fought and we were always there for each other. She has been on medication for her anxiety for a while now, probably over 6 months. She was having panic attacks randomly and was doing much better with that on the meds. I stuck by her side when she was having these problems.

 

We hit a rough patch recently. I've been under a lot of stress the past 4 or so months, with getting laid off from my first job out of college after only 5 months, trying to find another job, starting another job, plus the fact that my mom had shoulder surgery and might lose her job soon (she works at Kodak, which recently went bankrupt). Needless to say, I had a weight on my shoulders that I couldn't just shake off. Because of this, I wasn't my happy go lucky self.

 

So Friday night she goes out with her friend to meet up with some kids from school and go out to the bars. Most of these kids are guys, one of which has been texting and calling her pretty much non-stop for the past 2 or so months. I am not the jealous type, so I just found it more annoying than anything. Anyways, I last text her at 11pm telling her to have fun and be safe, and don't hear back from her. I send a text at 2:30am asking what she is doing (bars let out at 2am), then I call her at 3:30 am to see if she is alright. She texts me back at 4am telling me her friend fell asleep, and then texts again at 4:30am telling me she is on her way home. I felt very disrespected by this, that she didn't have the decency to let me know she was ok.

 

I confront her about it the next day and she said she knew it was wrong of her to do that and that she was sorry, then she comes over to talk more about it and starts crying her eyes out telling me she hasn't been happy in our relationship for the past 2 months. She also says she doesn't know what to do to make me happy. She says we don't have sex enough, which I agreed to. At that point, we were only having sex every two weeks or so. She leaves for work on an "I don't know" basis, and the next day she tells me she needs space. I (regrettably) tried to pursued her to work on everything with me, and I knew I shouldn't have done that. She declined and said she needs this time to see if things can go back to the way they used to be. The next day she tells me she is looking to see if that "spark" can return. I don't know if that can every happen, or even how to make it happen if it can.

 

We went to dinner for Valentines day because we already had reservations and we both wanted to see each other. She was very anxious during the whole thing, to the point where she was crawling out of her skin. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she has been feeling like this ever since this all went down. It sucks to see her anxious around me, not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. We then get back to her house where we exchange gifts. We didn't get each other much, considering what was going on. After that, I decided to get to serious conversation. I asked her if she wanted space (where we still talk and see each other, just not as often), or a break (where we break up because I don't do "breaks"). She said she wanted space, and she wouldn't mind hanging out but she doesn't want to get physical yet. I feel like this relationship is restarting from page one, not sure how that will ever work out.

 

I messaged her friend on Facebook, and she told me she thinks I need to "re-date" my girlfriend. She said I need to remind my girlfriend why we are in love and how we fell in love. She also said I need to initiate things more, take her out on a date or do something that we used to enjoy doing. I agree I was lacking on doing these things, but I don't see how I can do them now when she wants space.

 

I feel like I should just give her two weeks to think things over, and if she can't come to a decision by then, I should just end it. I can't continue to "be with" someone who isn't sure if they love me as a boyfriend. I don't really know how to act for those two weeks, if I should grow distant or if I should treat her as if I just started dating her. Any ideas? Any help is appreciated.

 

If you would like any more detailed info, feel free to ask.

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Oxy Moronovich

Anytime a woman says she needs space, it means she's looking at other dudes. This is a fact. Get ready for a breakup. Otherwise, I'll be seeing you make threads about your breakup; wanting to get back with her; trying to establish no contact but finding it tough to get over her; and making threads saying you've finally gotten over her and are ready to move.

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^^^^^^

Just cut contact.

Save yourself the grief for when she comes running back after the dude she really wants uses her for sex then tells her he needs space.

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Sorry, sounds like it's over. The best thing you can do is back WAY off and accept that it's probably over. If it is situational, as it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself, it will work itself out better if you back off and accept the space --- which, yes, I think it's fair to consider and act like it's a breakup rather than keep up this limbo-land --- and maybe after a break you might find yourselves back together if it's meant to be (I'm not a believer that things can ever recover from the point you're out but some can).

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She's been distant the past two months because she's been so focused on the dude texting her - the one she spent the night with... The one she cheated with - but she's not gonna tell you ALL THAT...

 

Dump her... Get busy living! Let her go sow her wild oats without dragging you down in the meantime.

 

It was over the minute she decided to focus so much on the other dude.

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She hasn't been distant at all, until things were said this weekend. We used to sleep together every night, see each other when we got home from work/school, usually hang out every weekend. I'm beginning to think she was feeling smothered, and scared about getting so serious so young. I can understand that, but I feel there are better ways to handle things. Should I just take a step back and contact her less? She still texts me every morning, but I am starting to end the conversations quickly. Her mom said she hasn't said anything about ending it, just that she needs some time.

 

I plan on going over there tonight (to drop off the dog that we have together) and straight up asking her if there is another guy. If shes says yes, its over. If she says no, I will ask her if she still has feelings for me. If she says no, its over.

 

I know it may sound like I am not accepting the fact that we are going to break up, maybe I am blind to that. She has been stressing about a couple tests she has tomorrow, and spends all her free time studying. She has always been like this, and it wears her out. She said because of the studying she hasn't had time to think. I'm also going to tell her if she doesn't set aside some time to think about our relationship and what she wants, it won't work and I'll end it.

 

I don't know what else, if anything, I can do...

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Should I just take a step back and contact her less? She still texts me every morning, but I am starting to end the conversations quickly. Her mom said she hasn't said anything about ending it, just that she needs some time.
Yes, please step back and limit contact. I'd say to just end it. Your causing yourself more grief because you are constantly wondering what she is thinking and if there is someone else. I've been in your shoes before. I only wish I could go back and do something else different, and that is end it. I'd rather get a bullet to the head than a few to the chest.

 

As a side note, you need to learn one thing: parents will ALWAYS stick up for their kids.

 

 

 

I plan on going over there tonight (to drop off the dog that we have together) and straight up asking her if there is another guy. If shes says yes, its over. If she says no, I will ask her if she still has feelings for me. If she says no, its over.

 

And doing this will accomplish what? Hearing something you already know? Sorry but in my belief, being apart doesn't accomplish $hit!!!! Being apart and then being with someone else might. But if you love the person like you say you do, then why do it in the first place?

 

Also, what is stopping her from saying that there isn't someone else? I tried that on my ex when she said we needed 'space'. Eventually I got it out of her that someone new got hired on at her work and was showing her attention. They were hanging out behind my back. Her excuse: I didn't tell you because I knew you would be mad. Really shady answer! If there was nothing to hide and you knew what you were doing wasn't wrong, then why not just say it?

 

Well the day we broke up, they got together. The relationship only lasted 3 weeks. But hey, that's what you get when you date an 18yr old drug addict that is already in rehab and dropped out of high school. My response: See yah at the gas station! You can pump the gas in my Bentley and he can wash my windows! (and yes, those were the last words that I ever spoke to her. Goin on 16 months NC!!!!!!)

 

If she wants to keep you around while she tests out the new guy, SHE WILL LIE TO YOU. If she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, SHE WILL LIE TO YOU.

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Echoing others. Shut this down. Whether she's wandered or thinking about it, it has or will happen.

 

When she needed you, you were there for her. When you needed her, where was she? That's not how relationships work.

 

You sound like a good guy. Walk.

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A little bit of an update...

 

I ended up going out to the bar with some friends so didn't see her last night. She texted me something about leaving the dog at her house, but I ignored it. We had no contact today until she texts me to tell me her grandma is in the hospital. So I give her a call and see if she is alright, she tells me she is on her way there. I tell her we need to meet up in person tonight, and she kept asking why but I just said let me know when you get home.

 

Rewind to last night, her friend gives me a call while I am at the bar and said she has some info for me. I call her back when I get home and we talk... She starts off with the problems of our relationship before we "spaced". Big thing is lack of sex. This really effected my girlfriend. Also, she is under mass amounts of stress from school and work. My girlfriend needs some sort of stress management class, she always stresses about the littlest things. Her friend also tells me there is not another guy, and that the new friends she met at school are just friends that have all the same classes. They kind of fill the void that her friends that moved away left. I don't think her friend would lie to me about this, but you can think what you want. She also says she feels my girlfriend is leaning towards not giving it another shot, but she can't be sure. Then she goes on to tell me not to tell my girlfriend we talked, and then texted me later on in the night to remind me that.

 

So back to tonight, when we talk in person. We talk about a lot of stuff, and I mean a LOT of stuff. I can only remember so much, so I'll write what sticks out in my head. My girlfriend does indeed think the relationship is beyond repair, because she thinks if it were to get better it would have in the two months where she tried and I didn't know anything was wrong. I tried explaining my side of that to her, but she said if we continued our relationship she would feel every sexual advance towards her was forced because she said something. I'm not sure how to crack that, or if it can even be cracked.

 

Another thing she mentioned was that she didn't know who she was as an individual. She feels that because she has a boyfriend, that she can't go out with friends as often as she would if she were single. As I said before, I am not the jealous type. I told her she can go out whenever she wants, I don't have a problem with it. If I did, I would say something. We talked and she thinks it is her past relationships (controlling) that make her think that. How that gets fixed I don't know, but I shouldn't have to deal with past baggage. I realize her past relationships make her who she is, but I am not like her other exes.

 

Which brings me to my next point, she is afraid of losing me. She knows I am a great boyfriend and that I treat her the way she deserves, without being a pushover. She said she is afraid to make mistakes, and I told her life is full of mistakes and while some can be fixed, some are just learning experiences. She really broke down when I said that and said that was the most honest thing anyone has ever told her.

 

She also keeps saying she wants things to be how they used to be. She wants to hold hands all the time, and go back to the time when we were always all over each other. Not sure what to do about that, or if it can even go back to that.

 

So the major points that were addressed... The lack of sex REALLY shook her. It may be too late to fix anything here, short of me showing her articles about how the spark fades and that work needs to be done to bring that back. She doesn't think things can be fixed, but she needs more time to decide that for sure. So in the end, she doesn't think things can be fixed, but I do. Is there anything I can do to show this to her, or would that have a negative effect? I know this may be the complete opposite of what I should be doing, but I need to at least feel like I tried to fix things.

 

I told her tonight when I got back home that I understand the stress from school and work may be too much to have the added stress of repairing a relationship. I told her we could put it on the backburner for now until she gets her **** straightened. I also said we would need to talk about how that was going to work, after she gave this all some serious thought this weekend. She told me she wasn't going out this weekend, since she had to work a lot. I know she isn't lying to me, since she lives 4 houses down from me so I can tell if she's home. She likes that I am going out though, and so do I. I skipped going out tonight because I wasn't feeling well, but tomorrow night my buddy is back from being away for work so we are meeting up with my roommate who is DJing at a bar. My friends have been very supporting of me through this, which I am truly grateful for. Its nice to know when **** hits the fan that I still have people to fall back on.

 

Long post I'm sure, and I'm sure there are more rolling eyes out there. Who knows, maybe in the end people will learn from my mistakes and life can be easier for them. For the moment I am content, and things seem to be getting clearer.

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She hasn't been distant at all, until things were said this weekend. We used to sleep together every night, see each other when we got home from work/school, usually hang out every weekend. I'm beginning to think she was feeling smothered, and scared about getting so serious so young. I can understand that, but I feel there are better ways to handle things. Should I just take a step back and contact her less? She still texts me every morning, but I am starting to end the conversations quickly. Her mom said she hasn't said anything about ending it, just that she needs some time.

 

I plan on going over there tonight (to drop off the dog that we have together) and straight up asking her if there is another guy. If shes says yes, its over. If she says no, I will ask her if she still has feelings for me. If she says no, its over.

 

I know it may sound like I am not accepting the fact that we are going to break up, maybe I am blind to that. She has been stressing about a couple tests she has tomorrow, and spends all her free time studying. She has always been like this, and it wears her out. She said because of the studying she hasn't had time to think. I'm also going to tell her if she doesn't set aside some time to think about our relationship and what she wants, it won't work and I'll end it.

 

I don't know what else, if anything, I can do...

You need to take a break and figure this one out...

either follow her friend advice and 're-date' her OR

break up with her.You did one mistake though,you spent wayy too much time with this girl,i mean sleepovers every night.She might have gotten bored by all this

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I agree about spending too much time with her, she didn't get a chance to miss me. That is something that, if this ends, I can remember for future relationships.

 

I know she isn't sleeping well, at all. She will wake up randomly a couple of times during the night, and never did this when we were together. I'm worried that something is wrong with her, and that is why she is doing this. I asked her if she was depressed and she said she didn't know, maybe. She sees a doctor every month or so about her anxiety, and a while back he told her I was her support system. I just wish she could clear her mind of everything and try to see things from another perspective.

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