Attraction for a new coworker but I have a gf

[Eclypse]

I can't believe I'm about to write this, hopefully some advice will be able to be provided.

 

I've just started my final year at university and the whole year is a research project. It is essentially a job as I'm there from morning till evening and is actually my first experience so far at how my world will be structured once I get a job. And there is this amazingly gorgeous girl working in my office (right next to my cubicle). I actually got some nervous jitters in my stomach when I first saw her and we've been engaging in light banter every now and then. I think I am getting a crush on her which is quite bad because I already have a girlfriend!

 

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years. She is the first I've ever had. I love her so much from the bottom of my heart. That is why I feel pretty distraught that I am getting a crush on this new coworker. Unfortunately due to time and distance constraints I can only see my girlfriend once week. This new girl I have to spend pretty much all day, every day with her. Today she asked me to go grab lunch. She even offered to pay for me (although I refused that). We talked quite a bit and our lunch break actually stretched out to 1 1/2 hours. She even asked me to finish her meal for her since she couldn't do it on her own. When I got back to my cubicle I was wracked with guilt about what I'm feeling and I'm finding it pretty hard to concentrate and get work done with her on my mind.

 

What really worries is me is that every now and then all us young people in the place (the students and research assistants) will go out to a pub or club after work on a Friday. I personally don't feel I can trust myself when I drink, but I also can't avoid every social event this year. If anyone who has been in this potential pickle of a situation has any advice it would be greatly appreciated! I love my girlfriend so much and these new feelings are confusing. When I saw her tonight our conversation didn't mesh and flow like it usually did. It really worried me that every now and then the image of that new girl flashed into my mind. Since it is still early in the year I hope that this crush goes away eventually...

Edited February 15, 2012 by Eclypse
Woops didn't realise was still in dating :(

[Philosoraptor]

If you truly love your current partner a crush will fade quickly, but we all develop little crushes from time to time. If you feel like you are in danger of cheating or approaching this coworker(be honest with yourself) then end your relationship first and leave no strings attached in all fairness to your current partner.

 

Does this new girl have something that your current partner can not offer?

[kaylan]

If you truly love your current partner a crush will fade quickly, but we all develop little crushes from time to time. If you feel like you are in danger of cheating or approaching this coworker(be honest with yourself) then end your relationship first and leave no strings attached in all fairness to your current partner.

 

Does this new girl have something that your current partner can not offer?

^This.

 

Plus I always felt that if someone was truly all into their relationship, they wouldnt even need to question themselves about their attraction to anyone else. Theyd acknowledge their attraction as something of a passing fancy because theyre more attracted to their mate and love them.

 

Least thats my view and how I feel when dating someone.

[Eclypse]

If you truly love your current partner a crush will fade quickly, but we all develop little crushes from time to time. If you feel like you are in danger of cheating or approaching this coworker(be honest with yourself) then end your relationship first and leave no strings attached in all fairness to your current partner.

 

Does this new girl have something that your current partner can not offer?

 

I love her a lot but lately we've been bickering a lot lately which I don't like. I've always viewed her as the woman I would marry as we have so much in common. However certain stuff has started to bother me lately. For example she plays video games a lot (hours each day) and I believe this is what led her to flunk a subject last semester. She was only taking a part time load anyway so she should have had time to study. For me academia is quite important. I also tend to get a bit bored when she wants us to spend our precious little time together watching television shows, while I'd rather we go on walks through the park.

 

Of course I don't know this new girl that well at all, so I'd say this crush is purely physical at the moment. She is a few years older than me and its quite a lot of fun to talk to her.

 

 

However after re-reading my original post I've decided to focus my efforts on ignoring this new crush and focusing on my current relationship. Although I've listed a few negative points here I do love my girlfriend more than the world and we have a lot in common. I guess it just took reading over this after writing it to get some perspective. Thanks for the advice!

[Philosoraptor]

This is where clear mature communication comes into play. Do not ignore the signs when something is not the way you'd like it. Bring up the issues as ignorning them only causes resentment.

[maybealone]

If I were you, I would try to see my GF more. I know it might be difficult, but once a week is not much for a two-year relationship, and it's no wonder you might get a crush on someone you spend so much more time with.

 

Also, having the coworker meet the GF or at least talking about the GF with her (if you haven't already) could help keep you honest.

 

And finally, you don't have to avoid social events. Just don't drink if you don't feel like you can handle it. Offer to be the designated driver if you want to have that as an excuse, or just simply don't drink.

 

This is where clear mature communication comes into play. Do not ignore the signs when something is not the way you'd like it. Bring up the issues as ignorning them only causes resentment.

 

And listen to Philosoraptor.

[tigressA]

If I were you, I would try to see my GF more. I know it might be difficult, but once a week is not much for a two-year relationship, and it's no wonder you might get a crush on someone you spend so much more time with.

 

Also, having the coworker meet the GF or at least talking about the GF with her (if you haven't already) could help keep you honest.

 

And finally, you don't have to avoid social events. Just don't drink if you don't feel like you can handle it. Offer to be the designated driver if you want to have that as an excuse, or just simply don't drink.

 

 

 

And listen to Philosoraptor.

 

Seconded. If you really want to get past this crush you should be proactive, and these are great steps to take.

[kaylan]

"I personally don't feel I can trust myself when I drink" = I will most likely cheat on my girlfriend if I go hang out with everyone at the pub.

 

Look OP, if you really loved your girlfriend, then cheating wouldnt even be a possibility in your mind, even when drunk. I get pretty off the walls when Im drunk, but I still am able to process whats right and wrong and refrain from certain things when in that state. Also, if you love your girlfriend, you wouldnt even consider putting yourself in a bad situation where you could hurt her.

 

I honestly think that this isnt real love, but just "frist time love" since its your first relationship. Shes just the first person that you became really attached to in this way, but now you wanna explore other possibilities. I personally think that if you cant stay platonic with the new girl, that you should let your gf go before you do something dumb to hurt her.

 

If you actually really feel you love her and can ignore the crush, then truly be proactive and work on your relationship. Avoid putting yourself in situations where stupid things could happen around the new girl.

Edited February 15, 2012 by kaylan

[Cypress25]

Sounds like a passing crush to me. Everyone notices attractive people, even if they're committed to their SO. As long as you don't act on it, you're fine. And I agree that you should talk to your girlfriend about any issues you're having in your relationship. Work it out with her.

 

I personally don't feel I can trust myself when I drink, but I also can't avoid every social event this year.

 

This one is easy. Enjoy the social events, but don't drink. It is possible to go out without drinking, you know.

[Sanman]

First, this situation has all the elements of cheating. Actually, this how most cheating starts...fights with the SO, limited time together and a new interesting person in your life. However, there is no need to feel guilty about your feelings. Many people have such feelings and don't act on them. Actions are what you should feel guilty about. Things to think about:

 

This co-worker has not shown any signs she wants to be romantically involved with you, correct?

 

Given what you have said about your gf, is she the right person for you? Something to think about given what you said in your second post and this evaluation should not be about the co-worker. Rather an evaluation of what or whom you want in your life.

 

You do not need to get drunk or drink at bar outings. Sipping on a single beer and then ordering a soda is not out of the question.

 

Whatever you choose to do, conduct yourself with respect. If something does come up with the co-worker and your current relationship is not working out, end the relationship before beginning anything else. If the crush is just that, remember to remain professional. Your co-worker should feel comfortable around you as you will be working together for a year. You may want to hold off on pursuing anything for that reason alone as you do not know her and what she is like either.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Don't have sex and/or get into relationships with your female coworkers no matter how cute they are.

[Eclypse]

Believe me seeing my gf more would be the absolute bestest thing in the world for me. It's my greatest desire. Unfortunately she lives a really really long way away. We've been limited to weekends for a while now. Recently though I've begun driving to university (and paying horribly expensive parking fees which I really can't afford) because from there it's less than 30km to her place so I can go after. However she only wants this arrangement to happen once during the week. She thinks we shouldn't see each other more than twice a week. This made me a bit sad because if I could have my way I'd see her every day

 

I am 21 and yes this is my first relationship. Although she wasn't the first girl I've kissed she's my first for pretty much everything else and I hers. I got attached to her pretty early on in the relationship. We really do have amazing conversations and similar belief systems and I treasure every moment with her.

 

However this distance is taking its toll on our relationship. I am also always tired from the 4 hour commute I have each day and the full day I spend in the lab. Yet I am always the one who drives to her place. Our sex life has taken a hit too. We've only done it twice this year. That makes me extremely frustrated. She says she just isn't in the mood for it a lot lately. This + the rarity with which we see each other sucks since we were going at it like rabbits when we began. Whenever I try to bring up issues she says it's fine. She says I'll get laid more when we live together. I don't know when that will be though..

 

When I see this new girl I'm not sure of my feelings. Apart from occasional flirting and wanting to talk a lot every day she hasn't really shown any signs of liking me romantically although she did give me her plate to share her food together which I've never seen someone I don't know well offer to me. I'd be fine with her not being attracted to me. This is mainly me. I find myself getting tongue tied and sounding awkward around her. I also go from getting random fantasies about her, to thinking about my gf. We've been together for a while now and we have a lot of shared history and a great connection and it would be a shame to give it up now just because of a rough patch.

 

I think I will just see how things unfold for a few months as they are before deciding to do anything. I'm not one who believes the towel should be thrown in at the first problem. I will go to the social events and I won't drink. Thanks for the advice people.

[Els]

Believe me seeing my gf more would be the absolute bestest thing in the world for me. It's my greatest desire. Unfortunately she lives a really really long way away. We've been limited to weekends for a while now. Recently though I've begun driving to university (and paying horribly expensive parking fees which I really can't afford) because from there it's less than 30km to her place so I can go after. However she only wants this arrangement to happen once during the week. She thinks we shouldn't see each other more than twice a week. This made me a bit sad because if I could have my way I'd see her every day

 

Did she give any reasons at all for the bolded? To be totally honest with you, this sounds really weird - you've been together for more than two years, seeing each other more than twice a week is really not excessive. It's not like she's working 2 jobs and you're asking her to drive over - YOU'RE the one offering to make the drive and she's only studying part time. Why would she possibly refuse?

 

However this distance is taking its toll on our relationship. I am also always tired from the 4 hour commute I have each day and the full day I spend in the lab. Yet I am always the one who drives to her place. Our sex life has taken a hit too. We've only done it twice this year. That makes me extremely frustrated. She says she just isn't in the mood for it a lot lately. This + the rarity with which we see each other sucks since we were going at it like rabbits when we began. Whenever I try to bring up issues she says it's fine. She says I'll get laid more when we live together. I don't know when that will be though..

 

My first thought, when I read the first sentence in this paragraph, is why don't you move closer? Closer to work, closer to gf... win win, yes?

 

My second thought (that completely overrode the first thought), when reading the sex life sentence, was :confused::confused: . WHAT!?!? Correct me if I'm wrong. You're both young people in your 20s, no medical issues. No kids. She studies part time. And she only wanted sex twice in 1.5 months? 'It's fine' isn't an answer. Living together doesn't miraculously make sex happen.

 

When I see this new girl I'm not sure of my feelings. Apart from occasional flirting and wanting to talk a lot every day she hasn't really shown any signs of liking me romantically although she did give me her plate to share her food together which I've never seen someone I don't know well offer to me. I'd be fine with her not being attracted to me. This is mainly me. I find myself getting tongue tied and sounding awkward around her. I also go from getting random fantasies about her, to thinking about my gf. We've been together for a while now and we have a lot of shared history and a great connection and it would be a shame to give it up now just because of a rough patch.

 

I think I will just see how things unfold for a few months as they are before deciding to do anything. I'm not one who believes the towel should be thrown in at the first problem. I will go to the social events and I won't drink. Thanks for the advice people.

 

The advice given to you thus far is excellent in preventing cheating. But I think you really do need to have a serious, heart to heart talk with your gf. About why she doesn't want to see you more than 2x/week. About why you aren't having sex more often than once a month. It sounds like she's really not on the same level with you here - maybe she sees this relationship as a casual part-time thing whereas you are quite dedicated to making it work.

[Eclypse]

Did she give any reasons at all for the bolded? To be totally honest with you, this sounds really weird - you've been together for more than two years, seeing each other more than twice a week is really not excessive. It's not like she's working 2 jobs and you're asking her to drive over - YOU'RE the one offering to make the drive and she's only studying part time. Why would she possibly refuse?

 

 

 

My first thought, when I read the first sentence in this paragraph, is why don't you move closer? Closer to work, closer to gf... win win, yes?

 

My second thought (that completely overrode the first thought), when reading the sex life sentence, was :confused::confused: . WHAT!?!? Correct me if I'm wrong. You're both young people in your 20s, no medical issues. No kids. She studies part time. And she only wanted sex twice in 1.5 months? 'It's fine' isn't an answer. Living together doesn't miraculously make sex happen.

 

 

 

The advice given to you thus far is excellent in preventing cheating. But I think you really do need to have a serious, heart to heart talk with your gf. About why she doesn't want to see you more than 2x/week. About why you aren't having sex more often than once a month. It sounds like she's really not on the same level with you here - maybe she sees this relationship as a casual part-time thing whereas you are quite dedicated to making it work.

 

If I could answer your questions I would, believe me I would. Unfortunately I can't. On one hand she always talks about what life will be like when we're married and that she wants to be with me forever, but then on the other she says she doesn't think we should each other more than twice a week. She just says it would be too much if we did it more.

 

To your second question unfortunately moving isn't part of the equation. Perhaps I didn't phrase it correctly but I'm not actually employed, the other girl is. I'm just a student doing my honours year there, which is like a full time job except you don't get paid. I also don't qualify for any government benefits. I am just trying to survive till the end of this year when I get the honours title and then I can get a real job and hopefully move closer.

 

Yep we're both early 20s in good health. Whenever I ask her why won't she have sex she just says I'm too horny. She says she just isn't in the mood, although she did promise me some sex tomorrow. I hope she holds her word!

 

I will try and have another heart to heart talk with her tomorrow. It can be difficult talking with her about this stuff. I asked her how she saw the relationship and she said she was certain I was the one she wanted to be with forever. I'm just not really sure how to counter-respond when she always says "its fine."

 

On another note I barely saw the hot chick today. It most likely is just a passing crush brought on by my feelings of uncertainty.

[Els]

All the best with the talk. Try and get some answers Bring up issues as a whole (ie sex twice in 2 months is not fulfilling you), not just 'why didn't you want it yesterday'. There's a whole lot of advice here about bringing up issues in the best way possible, and a lot of it is really quite practical.

 

Good luck, dude. You sound like a genuinely good guy trying to make things work, and I hope she'll try and pull up her end of it as well.

[Eclypse]

Thanks for the encouragement I'll report back with the results!

[Sanman]

Just an aside, my honest thoughts are that the reason for your crush is that you are not genuinely happy in your relationship. As others have said, talk to your gf and see if you can resolve these issues. However, keep in mind that sitting on your feelings and not advocating for yourself will continue to lead to crushes simply because you are a good guy and there is more out there for you than the two days a week and lack of sex you currently have. I know she is your first for many things, but do some searching about what you truly want and whether she measures up to what you want. Thus far, your focus has been only on her wants and needs. Good luck!

[Negative Nancy]

I always felt that if someone was truly all into their relationship, they wouldnt even need to question themselves about their attraction to anyone else. Theyd acknowledge their attraction as something of a passing fancy because theyre more attracted to their mate and love them. Least thats my view and how I feel when dating someone.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I sorta agree with you. I'd even go further and say that if someone was truly all into their relationship, they don't even get these "feelings" for someone else. I see a crush as a sign that the relationship is in the gutter.

[Eclypse]

All the best with the talk. Try and get some answers Bring up issues as a whole (ie sex twice in 2 months is not fulfilling you), not just 'why didn't you want it yesterday'. There's a whole lot of advice here about bringing up issues in the best way possible, and a lot of it is really quite practical.

 

Good luck, dude. You sound like a genuinely good guy trying to make things work, and I hope she'll try and pull up her end of it as well.

 

Well we did get frisky and it was quite nice. I fingered her to orgasm and I don't think I've ever seen her that wet before. I also brought up the issues about the lack of sex and she once again seemed to brush it off. She said if I hadn't been dating her then I wouldn't have got laid at all. Well that's true I guess. I replied with a snarky comment that I should have taken up the offers from other girls (of which there were a few but I implied that it was a lot more) to which she replied that I'd probably be calling her crying after being cheated on the 10th time (also true if you saw the type of girls who were interested in me). But however she did promise me more sex so I'll have to see what happens.

 

Apart from the lack of sex we're generally pretty good and I'd still rate myself as relatively happy. I'm just hoping I haven't tied myself down too early though.

 

As for that other girl at work, seems like a false alarm. She is super hot but I don't really feel the same way I did last week. It was probably just a passing crush.

[Eclypse]

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I sorta agree with you. I'd even go further and say that if someone was truly all into their relationship, they don't even get these "feelings" for someone else. I see a crush as a sign that the relationship is in the gutter.

 

Could be true, guess I'll have to wait and see. I want things to work out but if my needs aren't getting met then I'll probably have to go look elsewhere

[Els]

Well we did get frisky and it was quite nice. I fingered her to orgasm and I don't think I've ever seen her that wet before. I also brought up the issues about the lack of sex and she once again seemed to brush it off. She said if I hadn't been dating her then I wouldn't have got laid at all. Well that's true I guess. I replied with a snarky comment that I should have taken up the offers from other girls (of which there were a few but I implied that it was a lot more) to which she replied that I'd probably be calling her crying after being cheated on the 10th time (also true if you saw the type of girls who were interested in me). But however she did promise me more sex so I'll have to see what happens.

 

Apart from the lack of sex we're generally pretty good and I'd still rate myself as relatively happy.

 

Uhhhh. The bolded really doesn't strike me as the sort of thing happy couples tell each other. I'm not saying that everything has to be rainbows and daisies, but this isn't even close to a mature discussion about issues. Was she just joking around to try and diffuse the situation (conflict avoidance) or was she genuinely serious about the bolded? That sounds like a really low barb. Granted, I don't think your snarky comment was the best response to that, either.

 

I'm just hoping I haven't tied myself down too early though.

 

As for that other girl at work, seems like a false alarm. She is super hot but I don't really feel the same way I did last week. It was probably just a passing crush.

 

That's good. But I don't think you've tied yourself down to anyone. You're not married. You have no kids. I would be the last person to suggest you just jumping up and bolting and the first sign of trouble, because a relationship as long as yours has deserves some effort.

 

The problem is that it deserves effort from both sides. If she promised to work on the sex thing, that's good, but her response just made me go .

[lamaman3]

OP - you sound like a nice guy and I think you deserve better. Your crush is a perfectly normal reaction to your gf's behavior which unfortunately shows that shes "just not that into you."

 

Evidence:

 

1) She does not want to see you more than sparingly.

 

2) she puts no effort into seeing you, making you do all the work and pay all the costs of gas, parking etc. id bet that recently she hasnt bothered to get you gifts or anything of that sort either.

 

3) She pretty much told you that on some level she views you as unattractive - saying that if it wasnt for her, no other girl would want to have sex with you and if they did, they would cheat because they would invariably lose interest or find someone better.

 

And perhaps MOST importantly, she seems to be losing interest in having sex with you. Twice in the past 7 weeks?? Think about it - could you ever imagine being REALLY into a girl and being ambivalent about wanting to have sex with her? Of course not! Do you think if your gf was magically dating Bradd Pitt or George Clooney that she would not really feel like having sex with them so much or not want to see them that often? And this is intimately connected to what she said to you in #3 - she would never tell Bradd Pitt that he would not find girls other than her for sex b/c she likely has the hots for him and therefore knows other women do to - and it is for that reason that shed be having alot more sex with him too!

 

On the flip side, she is saying other girls wouldn't want to have sex with you while at the same time not wanting to have sex with you, and even worse, saying other girls would probably cheat on you - while being a girl herself - why would she be different? She is projecting here...

 

Girls want guys they are crazy about, who make them fantasize all day about them- since its obvious this is not how she feels about you, how much longer until she finds someone who does make her feel like that? Makes you wonder why she only wants to see you once a week when it seems like she has alot more free time. What, (or who) is she doing the rest of the time?

 

Please dont take offense - I just speak strongly because I want you to see what is really going on here so you can get ahead of it and fix it or just get ahead of it and on to someone who truly appreciates you.

[zengirl]

OP,

 

You sound like a very nice guy. I hope you will assert yourself a little bit more so that this doesn't become a potentially ugly situation. It sounds as though you are quite a great guy -- driven with your studies, interested in maintaining fidelity to the point where a passing crush made you feel guilty -- and you're being neglected by a GF who has no real interest in spending time with you or being intimate with you to the degree you'd like and that a reasonable person in such a relationship can expect.

 

I suggest really thinking on whether this relationship is bringing you what you need before you get your heart broken and stomped on (I'm not saying that's a foregone conclusion, but I'd hate to see it happen) because you clearly don't deserve it.

[spookie]

To be fair from my understanding it is the op who does not have more time to spend with his gf, not the other way around. I know for me sex is a direct expression of how close heel to someone. Maybe she is losing interest in sex because the intimacy isn't there since y'all barely see each other.

[polcas]

I love her a lot but lately we've been bickering a lot lately which I don't like. I've always viewed her as the woman I would marry as we have so much in common.

 

Are you sure you both have so much in common? You need to be very honest with yourself. You want to see her often but she doesn't. You want to have sex more often but she doesn't. You don't have in common what you like to do when you spend time together. You don't feel comfortable having a conversation with her about the relationship. It seems you'd like to convince yourself that you both have very much in common but doesn't sound like it.

 

Now you have noticed someone else and something sparked because you're not fulfilled with your gf. So, if you want to be fulfilled with your gf you need to talk to her and she needs to step up or this is going to be one of the many crushes that will come your way and why go through that? If your relationship doesn't offer you what you need and what should be normal BTW, then it's not the right relationship to pursue.