ThaWholigan Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Is there a clear difference in the type of person you attract compared to the kind of person that you are normally attracted to? Doesn't just mean looks, could be in terms of style, intelligence, interests etc... I find that the most emotionally congruent people tend to attract the people they like the most, which is intriguing personally..... Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I like a narrow range of men but attract a wide range. One reason I like OLD is because I can weed out that wide range. I'm too lazy to date everyone who wants to date me. Link to post Share on other sites
FrustratedStandards Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Big time! At least for me. The men who are attracted to me are always men I am NEVER attracted to. The ones I am attracted too are either married, too short or out-of-reach athletes LOL Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I find that the most emotionally congruent people tend to attract the people they like the most, which is intriguing personally..... That's an interesting idea. I'm curious how other people will reply to your post. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 My looks, outgoingness, and being a natural flirter tend to attract many of the lookers with no brains. While I tend to prefer an intellectual girl who has that natural beauty (very limited or no makeup). Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Is there a clear difference in the type of person you attract compared to the kind of person that you are normally attracted to? Doesn't just mean looks, could be in terms of style, intelligence, interests etc... I find that the most emotionally congruent people tend to attract the people they like the most, which is intriguing personally..... Well, I'm married now, but when I was single. . . I never felt there was one type I 'attracted.' There were types that were more likely to approach me, but there are just types of guys more likely to approach women (cold, I mean) in general, and those are not my type (more aggressive, more egotistical, etc). But I think if you're not talking a cold approach, it's really hard to know precisely who you attract; men I liked were more likely to ask me out because I was either flat-out telling them I wanted to go out or giving off signals! As to OLD, I got lots of people who didn't meet my filters, sure, and I was always better off with men I approached, but those guys were still attracted to me; they were just less likely to approach. I've always liked cute, funny math/science nerds who are socially adept enough to navigate normal life, but also like super nerdy (board games, video games, Reddit, graphic novels, anime, etc) stuff and, in later years, added: who were also relationship-oriented, thoughtful, open-minded, and loving. I married a guy like that, but I sought him out the first time I saw him. Would he have approached me? Who knows? Who cares? Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Luckily I tend to attract to the kind of women that I am usually interested in...of course others as well, but I mean I think that's normal. Although sometimes I wonder why the hell would that woman be interested in me? It seems like they would be interested in someone more...douchey or classless, simple or less intelligent. Sometimes I'm mildly kinda whatever attracted to someone and they won't have any interest in me it seems which I find a little comical because I pretty much couldn't really care less, yet someone I'm really attracted to and luckily they do. I would say most women though I'm not interested in, I'm known to be picky but not in terms of looks...I go for the more grounded, intelligent, sassy and classy type who kinda of have a chip on their shoulder, who have a higher than average level of confidence and self-esteem. Never really been into doormats or clingers. They also have to have a great deal of common sense, hopefully street and school smart. Therefore I usually get along very well with older, more sophisticated professional women, who can be very entertaining and have a broad spectrum of knowledge which leads to stimulating conversation...ooolala I'm turning myself on already! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThaWholigan Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 That's an interesting idea. I'm curious how other people will reply to your post. It's an interesting observation for me personally because I understand myself to be emotionally conflicted at varying points throughout my life, and even going to church was difficult in helping me come to grips with myself in that regard, until I learned how to gain control over my emotional life, and even then I do have a few problems here and there. I have a concrete idea of the kind of girl I would like to be with looks-wise/physically, but I wouldn't say that this is exactly the best foundation. I like girls who are intelligent really, being able to have a real proper intellectual conversation with a girl is the best . Outside of that, I am still not completely sure about the kind of girl I want yet, and I don't know if that is good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 (edited) Is there a clear difference in the type of person you attract compared to the kind of person that you are normally attracted to? Doesn't just mean looks, could be in terms of style, intelligence, interests etc... I find that the most emotionally congruent people tend to attract the people they like the most, which is intriguing personally..... I think my age (now) and isolation contribute to the my mostly attracting men I'm not attracted to. I feel sick over how much time I've spent isolated, versus out in the world (and it isn't something that I've been able to fix since I've *wanted* to fix it - it's like some horrible joke). I also tend to be more open and relaxed around men in relationships - at least those who seem to be happy in their relationships - only to end up getting hit on. Not only am I usually not attracted to them, they've now crushed the good feeling I had when seeing them with their girlfriends - a seemingly great relationship, when in reality, the guy is scoping out another woman to love or just grope. Self-esteem/the level of confidence I have in myself or another, certainly has affected me for a good portion of my life. It affects the way I am with others, but I've always known what I wanted in a man. *edit. Oh, and the man who hit on me last December? His relationship imploded, and he was only sad for a little while; he's now in an open relationship with someone else. I've always made it clear that I'm not interested in open relationships, so he should have known better than to even say anything to me in that way. Edited February 8, 2012 by Anela Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I haven't been in a healthy place emotionally, over the past eighteen months or so - for most of them - but I have noticed that the men who actually speak up, and hit on me, or end up being in my life for some reason, haven't been as healthy as I was at the time. The last one hit on me when I was finally feeling a little better - it's like they drag me down just as I'm finding my footing. The only one I was attracted to, was hiding a deep depression, big anger problems, and had similar insecurities to me. We were both doing better than we had been, and taking some risks, but I was more emotionally stable - his being in my life destabilized me. I would always fear that the men I was attracted to, wouldn't be attracted to me once they found out that I had been agoraphobic, or that I was still dealing with some anxiety issues. Either that, or my body wasn't perfect, and certain insecurities would creep in - I would wonder if they would meet my sister and want her instead (and what happened? my sister's boyfriend hit on me). When I was more relaxed around those I was attracted to, they liked spending time around me; I tended to forget that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThaWholigan Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 Well, I'm married now, but when I was single. . . I never felt there was one type I 'attracted.' There were types that were more likely to approach me, but there are just types of guys more likely to approach women (cold, I mean) in general, and those are not my type (more aggressive, more egotistical, etc). But I think if you're not talking a cold approach, it's really hard to know precisely who you attract; men I liked were more likely to ask me out because I was either flat-out telling them I wanted to go out or giving off signals! As to OLD, I got lots of people who didn't meet my filters, sure, and I was always better off with men I approached, but those guys were still attracted to me; they were just less likely to approach. I've always liked cute, funny math/science nerds who are socially adept enough to navigate normal life, but also like super nerdy (board games, video games, Reddit, graphic novels, anime, etc) stuff and, in later years, added: who were also relationship-oriented, thoughtful, open-minded, and loving. I married a guy like that, but I sought him out the first time I saw him. Would he have approached me? Who knows? Who cares? I think that this was always a problem for me, as I was terribly shy back then and also could not read body language or subtle social cues at all. All I had was a gut feeling about stuff that I never felt strong enough to act upon at that point. Only the girls who were incredibly forward with me seemed to be attracted, but as I got older, I realised just how much attention I was attracting from a wide array of different types of women, especially mixed raced girls, whom I liked a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 In my entire life I only knew of three girls that were attracted to me, not including online, they wanted to date and or have sex. All three of them were very obese, two of them were Filipino and at least somewhat cute the third was white and not attractive in the slightest. In addition to being overweight, they all had some kind of mental issue(s) which they disclosed in a very short time of knowing them. My type which is very broad, but not big, has never been into me. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I used to attract attention whores, I still get a few old attention whores coming around when things are slow for them. But for the most part since I got in shape & stopped trying to be someone I think a woman might like & just started being myself (and if they don't like me....NEXT!) I get every kind but the kind I really want. I want a woman my age who is active & isn't on a fricken time-table. (no biological clock a ticking or desire to live with a guy) and just wants to date towards a LTR. Instead I seem to attract women looking for one-night stands or women looking for a husband & kids. Not even a woman looking for short term fling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThaWholigan Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 In my entire life I only knew of three girls that were attracted to me, not including online, they wanted to date and or have sex. All three of them were very obese, two of them were Filipino and at least somewhat cute the third was white and not attractive in the slightest. In addition to being overweight, they all had some kind of mental issue(s) which they disclosed in a very short time of knowing them. My type which is very broad, but not big, has never been into me. I'm intrigued as to know what kind of internal dialogue you have going on. As I said in the post, people who are emotionally at ease seem to fare better when attracting the type of people they desire. You are obviously attracting women you are not interested in, and you are perhaps not at ease with yourself emotionally especially with regards to women and dating. I was often attracting women who were forward but were not attractive to me, some overweight, some not. One in particular kept phoning me and even got her mum to prank call me (should have never gave her my number but flattery eroded my better judgement). I started to question why that was, when the girl I really wanted was fobbing me off. Turns out, she was pretty attracted to me at points in our time as acquaintances but certain behaviors I exhibited were not that of an attractive man, which put her off in the end, and I never recovered in her eyes. I had to really self-examine myself and I concluded that I was very emotionally naive, and even if I controlled my emotions, I would need to go through a lot in order to find out who I truly am and what I would look for in a woman and how I would go about making my life better so as to be able to attract the woman I want, without basing my life around getting a woman. I used to attract attention whores, I still get a few old attention whores coming around when things are slow for them. But for the most part since I got in shape & stopped trying to be someone I think a woman might like & just started being myself (and if they don't like me....NEXT!) I get every kind but the kind I really want. I want a woman my age who is active & isn't on a fricken time-table. (no biological clock a ticking or desire to live with a guy) and just wants to date towards a LTR. Instead I seem to attract women looking for one-night stands or women looking for a husband & kids. Not even a woman looking for short term fling. Yeah, I crushed on a few "attention whores". Despite that side of their nature, they were usually pretty cool girls, but because they were hot, it used to get to their heads a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Yeah, I crushed on a few "attention whores". Despite that side of their nature, they were usually pretty cool girls, but because they were hot, it used to get to their heads a lot. Here is the thing about them hot women. Their pushing 40 or into their 40's & not quite as hot anymore. They are still hot to be sure. It's just that why waste my time on them when younger women are showing interest. Granted those younger women don't really work out but if I find one single already with kids & not looking for a sugar daddy i'm golden. Link to post Share on other sites
jobaba Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Is there a clear difference in the type of person you attract compared to the kind of person that you are normally attracted to? Doesn't just mean looks, could be in terms of style, intelligence, interests etc... I find that the most emotionally congruent people tend to attract the people they like the most, which is intriguing personally..... Well... The only women I know FOR SURE that were attracted to me are the ones I've dated or kissed or f@cked. That is the only way to know for sure, unless they come up and tell you. That's a small number... Of those, there's very little exterior correlation between any of them. Different races, one had a pHd, one didn't finish her bachelors until early 30s, one barely drank, one was an alcoholic. If there is a common thread, it is that all were generally non-shallow/materialistic women ... in general (hey, they dated me ). And most of them had pretty good hearts and generally treated others well. As far as women I'm attracted to, I cannot stand petty, shallow, materialistic women. Everything outside of that is fair game... Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I'm intrigued as to know what kind of internal dialogue you have going on. As I said in the post, people who are emotionally at ease seem to fare better when attracting the type of people they desire. You are obviously attracting women you are not interested in, and you are perhaps not at ease with yourself emotionally especially with regards to women and dating. I was often attracting women who were forward but were not attractive to me, some overweight, some not. I think it has less to do with my internal dialogue and more with the woman's. A woman who is overweight and or ugly, knows that men consider her unattractive, and because of that most men will not pursue her. She knows that her best way to get into a relationship is to be the purserer. That is something both you and I have experienced. That is not to say that the more attractive women are not into me, but they will not go out of their way to show interest. But because of my status as a below-average male, they make me work harder than an average guy would have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThaWholigan Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 I think it has less to do with my internal dialogue and more with the woman's. A woman who is overweight and or ugly, knows that men consider her unattractive, and because of that most men will not pursue her. She knows that her best way to get into a relationship is to be the purserer. That is something both you and I have experienced. That is not to say that the more attractive women are not into me, but they will not go out of their way to show interest. But because of my status as a below-average male, they make me work harder than an average guy would have to. Granted, but your own inner dialogue has a massive part to play also. You govern the energy that you give off, whether you realize it or not. You believe yourself to be a below-average male, you have bestowed that status upon yourself - or at the very least allowed yourself to succumb to that status and allow people to view you as such. Maybe that is why women you consider below average approach you in particular, they feel you are a kindred spirit and seek refuge in your company. With me, it is because I am always accommodating of people, albeit never to my own detriment to my credit. That's probably the one thing that set me aside from other guys. I might not be in the place I want to be right now in practical terms, but I command respect because I am not "below-average" in any way, and because I don't view myself that way anymore, people respond accordingly to me and with respect to my achievements and the way I carry myself, regardless of what I have going on. I also generally know how to respond positively to anything in my life. You need to cultivate this attitude in yourself - WITHOUT relying on your experiences, other people's recognition or other external factors cloud your vision of who you are and the reality you want to create. Maybe then you will be at some kind of peace emotionally and you will attract women more to your liking. Life is progressing slowly for myself, but it is at least going in the direction I am steering it towards. How are you going to shape your reality? It is crucial if you want to bring the kind of woman you want into it. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 ThaWholigan, the very fact that I'm three inches shorter than average makes me a below-average male. That's just way the way things are. And no I'm not going to get into a fight about whether women prefer tall men or not. I also don't have any exceptional about me to counteract the short aspect. In addition I have poor-self esteem due to my failures with women. I know I'm not exactly a great catch. I think the reason that below average women approached me is because they thought I wasn't unobtainable; while a higher man would be. You need to cultivate this attitude in yourself - WITHOUT relying on your experiences, other people's recognition or other external factors Do you have any idea how difficult it is to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThaWholigan Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 ThaWholigan, the very fact that I'm three inches shorter than average makes me a below-average male. That's just way the way things are. And no I'm not going to get into a fight about whether women prefer tall men or not. Being short is a minor handicap in the grand-scheme of things. I wouldn't attribute low status with height by any means, whether women prefer tall men or not. I also don't have any exceptional about me to counteract the short aspect. In addition I have poor-self esteem due to my failures with women. I know I'm not exactly a great catch. You don't have anything exceptional about you because maybe you haven't actually tried to look into yourself and find something exceptional about you? Or even attempted to learn something exceptional, or something that YOU thought was exceptional. Poor self-esteem due to your failures with women are understandable, but it is up to you to find ways to build up your self-esteem. I can't help you too much there, I can only give you tips. You can lead a horse to a trough but cannot make it drink the water. I think the reason that below average women approached me is because they thought I wasn't unobtainable; while a higher man would be. Precisely what I said. A kindred spirit with which to share mutual misery at their failings in life. Not what I would call a healthy union. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to do that? Yes I do. I know because I have done it. And I'm still doing it. It's an ongoing process that won't stop until I die. I am a scholar by nature, I will always be learning about things, including myself. And learning how to get by happily and be secure in myself and my abilities and strengths is something that you have to build up on your own. And I will always be doing so, because I never want to allow myself to feel like I am worthless, because deep down, my true self knows that I am not. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 (edited) I feel like one's sense of attraction is a lot like golf. You always feel that your new best score is suddenly your new "average." What one finds attractive will fluctuate throughout her lifetime, and I believe that it's strongly correlated to the attractiveness of the men she attracts. The most attractive guy that a girl attracts almost always becomes the new "standard" of attractiveness, and anything worse is simply unacceptable. It is much like a golfer who shoots a career low score, expects to shoot that well every time, and gets angry when he doesn't. So if a person doesn't get much attention early in her life, then her standards never get very high, and she has a much wider range that she may find attractive. However, just one single hot guy could ruin that for her. She'll think, "if that guy wanted me, then I should expect that men of that same level of attractiveness should want me, and I will accept nothing less." So she'll complain that she isn't attracted to anyone who is attracted to her. But the truth is nothing but her own perceptions changed...it has always been the same guys...it's just that her bar continues to rise to the level of the hottest she's had... Now as time goes on and she realizes that those she's attracted to aren't so into her and is tired of complaining, her standards will go down to compensate. It makes sense. And it's the same for guys. Edited February 9, 2012 by USMCHokie Link to post Share on other sites
Jane2011 Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I think I attract what I'm attracted to, but also plenty that I'm not attracted to. I think I'd be very depressed if "my type" was never attracted to me. I think I do want a sort of male version of myself. (sounds creepy, I know, but to an extent, I do). I want someone without about my same intelligence level (or greater), same basic socioeconomic background, someone who would hang around the same type of people I do, etc.) Link to post Share on other sites
Jane2011 Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I feel like one's sense of attraction is a lot like golf. You always feel that your new best score is suddenly your new "average." What one finds attractive will fluctuate throughout her lifetime, and I believe that it's strongly correlated to the attractiveness of the men she attracts. The most attractive guy that a girl attracts almost always becomes the new "standard" of attractiveness, and anything worse is simply unacceptable. It is much like a golfer who shoots a career low score, expects to shoot that well every time, and gets angry when he doesn't. So if a person doesn't get much attention early in her life, then her standards never get very high, and she has a much wider range that she may find attractive. However, just one single hot guy could ruin that for her. She'll think, "if that guy wanted me, then I should expect that men of that same level of attractiveness should want me, and I will accept nothing less." So she'll complain that she isn't attracted to anyone who is attracted to her. But the truth is nothing but her own perceptions changed...it has always been the same guys...it's just that her bar continues to rise to the level of the hottest she's had... Now as time goes on and she realizes that those she's attracted to aren't so into her and is tired of complaining, her standards will go down to compensate. It makes sense. And it's the same for guys. That makes a lot of sense. Also, a friend has pointed out to me before, and I agree with her, that we also have a tendency to adjust "our type" to the last person we had feelings for. For instance, if the last girl you liked was blonde-haired and blue eyed and crazy about theater and acting, you'll start talking like you want an artsy girl who appreciates self-expression and who has that blonde, innocent look. Then you fall into it with a business major girl who plays guitar, but it doesn't work out even though you liked her a lot, you start talking about how you want a girl who's practical but has an artsy side. This may not be true all of the time, but I do see it happening in myself...and others. Link to post Share on other sites
lilyblue Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Is there a clear difference in the type of person you attract compared to the kind of person that you are normally attracted to? Doesn't just mean looks, could be in terms of style, intelligence, interests etc... I find that the most emotionally congruent people tend to attract the people they like the most, which is intriguing personally..... Physically there is a difference for me. I seem to be most attracted to white or hispanic dark haired men with glasses and facial hair. I seem to attract black men. They are very consistently the only ones that hit on me in real life and I have no idea why. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I tend to attract one of two types: (1) emotionally weak, insecure, needy men; and (2) emotionally manipulative, selfish sociopaths. I am attracted to neither type, but rather gregarious, emotionally stable, open, witty, successful, confident, athletic men. Link to post Share on other sites
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