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Are Some People, Despite Looking Good On Paper, Just not Relationship Material?


Casablanca

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Recently I was going out with this one woman for a few dates; let's call her Jill. Jill is pretty, goal oriented, fun, low maintenance, great at conversation, confident, and perfectly suited to be brought home to mom, but for whatever reason I did not feel any sort of romantic spark. I enjoyed my time with Jill, and despite having chemistry and finding her attractive, I didn’t find myself attracted to her romantically.

 

Why is this? I usually don’t think much of this, but when I told her how I was feeling, she said something that made me ask myself this question. Jill thanked me for being honest and upfront with her and said “I’ve unfortunately had this conversation many times.” This caught me off guard, how could someone like Jill have these problems? She has also never been in a long or serious relationship, just short stints.

 

I’ve met women who are pretty and are fun to be with, but are just weird and/or socially awkward, but Jill isn’t like that. She doesn’t go for the bad boys and people won’t look at her like she is weird. She is not clingy, and is able to show the right amount of interest to let the man know she is interested.

 

So is Jill, and other people just not relationship material? Is there some unidentifiable characteristic that makes a person desirable to have a relationship with beyond the obvious? I don’t know, but I am starting to think there does exist some uncontrollable and unidentifiable characteristic that makes people attracted to each other on a romantic level.

Edited by Casablanca
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I enjoyed my time with Jill, and despite having chemistry and finding her attractive, I didn’t find myself attracted to her romantically.

 

She was attractive, but not attractive enough perhaps...?

 

So is Jill, and other people just not relationship material? Is there some unidentifiable characteristic that makes a person desirable to have a relationship with beyond the obvious? I don’t know, but I am starting to think there does exist some uncontrollable and unidentifiable characteristic that makes people attracted to each other on a romantic level.

 

I think so...and it has to do with the compatibility of personalities...some people just have personalities that are very niche and don't do well with a lot of others...but when you have a match of personalities, it can add tremendously to the romantic attraction between two people...

 

Or they're just not hot enough... :rolleyes::laugh:

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She was attractive, but not attractive enough perhaps...?

That was not the case at all, something she does have working against her is she is 6 foot, so she's taller than a lot of guys which might put them off (I was taller by an inch)

 

I found her very pretty, and have been attracted romantically to a few who I wouldnt rank quite as attractive as her, so I know that was not the issue

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I have meet a few women like this, and I too had a hard time putting my finger on what seemed off about them. I finally figured it out a while back, while out on a date with a very attractive women like this. I sensed no passion or fire from her. I'm not talking just sexual either, she couldn't talk about anything passionately, everything was nice, or good, or pleasant. When she talked about something negatively, it was so-so or mediocre. It was like all her emotions where limited the middle of the road. To me, it was off putting, I want a woman with a full spectrum of emotions.

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I think so...and it has to do with the compatibility of personalities...some people just have personalities that are very niche and don't do well with a lot of others...but when you have a match of personalities, it can add tremendously to the romantic attraction between two people...

 

I think this is it right here. Some people just have personalities that are not an easy match for others. It's not a bad personality, per se, but just a different one. I think these people usually tend to run especially deep and that's not easy for a lot of others to handle in the beginning stages. It seems like too much work and the other would rather bolt and find something more easily categorized.

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Another possible explanation....

 

The person may not be really ready for a serious relationship and as such is sending out very subtle clues and body language that it isn't going to happen which get picked up on by others.

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It sounds like she intimidates men by being almost perfect. Perhaps they think she might dump them for someone better later, so they do it first. I know someone like that. She is an attorney, sexy blonde with a cute figure, bubbly personality. A co-worker set her up with another co-worker who, frankly, was not in her league. Yet HE was the one saying she just wasn't his type. It seemed like he wanted to reject her before she rejected him, as he was no prize package and had a hard time getting dates with even mediocre women.

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It sounds like she intimidates men by being almost perfect. Perhaps they think she might dump them for someone better later, so they do it first. I know someone like that. She is an attorney, sexy blonde with a cute figure, bubbly personality. A co-worker set her up with another co-worker who, frankly, was not in her league. Yet HE was the one saying she just wasn't his type. It seemed like he wanted to reject her before she rejected him, as he was no prize package and had a hard time getting dates with even mediocre women.

For this woman, that isnt the case, she is pretty and cute, but not that overbearing 10/10 hot...and at least personality wise, she is sweet and not intimidating at all...I do wonder how much her height though might play into it, if at all

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For this woman, that isnt the case, she is pretty and cute, but not that overbearing 10/10 hot...and at least personality wise, she is sweet and not intimidating at all...I do wonder how much her height though might play into it, if at all

 

You['re the one who dated her. Were you intimidated by her height?

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You['re the one who dated her. Were you intimidated by her height?

Nope, I'm an inch taller than her. I wonder that because she is taller than the average man, it didnt effect me at all

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She's stable. Normal. Could be a faithful and loving companion.

 

Perhaps you don't run into such people very often. Compared to the drama queens, a stable woman could seem 'boring' at worst or, at most, a flat line, emotionally. Nothing scratches the romance itch, psychologically.

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She's stable. Normal. Could be a faithful and loving companion.

 

Perhaps you don't run into such people very often. Compared to the drama queens, a stable woman could seem 'boring' at worst or, at most, a flat line, emotionally. Nothing scratches the romance itch, psychologically.

 

This actually makes a lot of sense. A lot of people mistake drama for sexual/romantic tension, and stability (or compatibility) for being bored.

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I've met such women (like the OP describes) fairly often in life. They're my nirvana. So far, all have been married. My exW came close, but she was thinking my stability was attractive rather than feeling it, so it didn't work out for us. There needs to be synergy in feeling. If it's not there, it's not.

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It sounds like she intimidates men by being almost perfect. Perhaps they think she might dump them for someone better later, so they do it first. I know someone like that. She is an attorney, sexy blonde with a cute figure, bubbly personality. A co-worker set her up with another co-worker who, frankly, was not in her league. Yet HE was the one saying she just wasn't his type. It seemed like he wanted to reject her before she rejected him, as he was no prize package and had a hard time getting dates with even mediocre women.

Or maybe his assessment of that woman was a lot less favorable than yours. Perhaps saying that she was not his type was a polite way of saying "she's a total bitch".

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She's stable. Normal. Could be a faithful and loving companion.

 

Perhaps you don't run into such people very often. Compared to the drama queens, a stable woman could seem 'boring' at worst or, at most, a flat line, emotionally. Nothing scratches the romance itch, psychologically.

 

I was thinking the same thing about the OP. I've noticed a lot of tall skinny pretty women fall into this category. I'm no expert but I feel that they get by with their looks a lot and wind up not having to develop their personalities as much as other (less attractive) women might or would be as opinionated as them.

 

I also think inherently when humans look for a mate, at times we find imperfection/quirks to be attractive. Personally I find certain tiny imperfections in a girl to be attractive. Likes attract likes.

 

This post makes me think of Anne Hathaway. She's pretty/beautiful and probably has good genes, but for some reason she doesn't hit a switch in my head that makes me think "I'd like to sleep with her or date her." As opposed to other women.

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Recently I was going out with this one woman for a few dates; let's call her Jill. Jill is pretty, goal oriented, fun, low maintenance, great at conversation, confident, and perfectly suited to be brought home to mom, but for whatever reason I did not feel any sort of romantic spark. I enjoyed my time with Jill, and despite having chemistry and finding her attractive, I didn’t find myself attracted to her romantically.

 

She doesn’t go for the bad boys and people won’t look at her like she is weird. She is not clingy, and is able to show the right amount of interest to let the man know she is interested.

 

You describe her as almost being the perfect woman. But, that is probably the problem.

 

I can see 2 possiblities here. It could be her but it could also be you (or a combination of both you and her).

 

It could be your standards are too high. Everyone has an ideal image of the perfect partner. But, no one can live up to that. The person who realistically is a perfect match for us will not exactly match up to our ideal subconscious image of a perfect partner. Just because you don't feel a "spark", it doesn't mean that it's not there or that she's not a good match. In that case, you need to give it some time for a "spark" to grow.

 

It could also be you see her as perfect and you may be subcounsiously putting her up on a pedestal, having only been shown her ideal qualities without knowing the real her, with flaws. When that occurs, we can't feel the romantic connection because we know we can't ourselves live up to that level of perfection.

 

The other possibility is that it's her. Maybe she is trying to be perfect and not letting herself relax and show you the real her, with flaws and imperfections. It's possible that because of her height she's had trouble getting dates in the past and feels conscious about it, and now is trying to overcompensate by trying to be perfect in every other way and not letting you see her flaws. However, when we only get to the see the perfect side of a person, we have trouble connecting to the person. In that case, maybe if you go out with her a few more times, she'll relax more and you'll start to get to see the real her and maybe then you'll feel the "spark".

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RecordProducer

pretty, goal oriented, fun, low maintenance, great at conversation, confident, and perfectly suited to be brought home to mom,

... in other words perfect or "too normal," at least for now.

 

but for whatever reason I did not feel any sort of romantic spark.

...

[she]said “I’ve unfortunately had this conversation many times.”

Nobody likes too normal. ;)
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I find it a little disturbing that you're saying SHE might not be relationship material. Why, because she's been told by other men that they dind't feel a romantic spark for her, despite her awesome qualities? It happens all the time. It doesn't make a person not-relationship material. It takes TWO people who BOTH feel a connection to make a relationship even start to get off the ground.

 

I mean, really, she sounds awesome:

 

Jill is pretty, goal oriented, fun, low maintenance, great at conversation, confident, and perfectly suited to be brought home to mom...

 

Sounds like relationship material to me!

 

YOU, on the other hand:

 

...but for whatever reason I did not feel any sort of romantic spark. I enjoyed my time with Jill, and despite having chemistry and finding her attractive [and all the other traits above], I didn’t find myself attracted to her romantically.

 

Perhaps the problem lies not with her, but YOU? What's stopping YOU from feeling anything romantic for such an awesome person that you find attractive AND have chemistry with?

 

Hmm??

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Jesus Christ guys. You all are seriously overthinking this.

 

This is simply a case of two peoples personalities not drawing up romantic attraction. I have met some great girls myself, whod make great gfs...but if the connection isnt there, then it isnt.

 

 

Simply, there was no click. End of story, quit reading so far into this. Id make a great bf and future husband in my opinion, but that doesnt mean I will end up dating just anyone.

 

 

Consider how rare it is to find strong romantic attraction, and that answers the question of why the woman OP dated is single. I may be only 25, but if im still single when Im in my 30s, I know I am not settling on finding someone who doesnt feel super sparks for me. This lady just hasnt found her match yet. It doesnt take all this explaining to figure out.

 

OP, all of those things you mentioned about this woman I have noticed in friends of mine over the years...but without that click, I dont get the urge to date them seriously.

Edited by kaylan
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I also think inherently when humans look for a mate, at times we find imperfection/quirks to be attractive. Personally I find certain tiny imperfections in a girl to be attractive.

 

 

^ agree with this. I have no interest in dating perfection. Imperfections make us interesting and human. My therapist challenged me on it once––we were exploring the reasons that I had chosen a couple of women who had certain issues. She asked me if I wouldn't be bored and loose interest with a perfectly polished woman who has no issues whatsoever. I realized that probably is the case––it's the texture in a personality that makes a person accessible, provides the surface friction we need to gain traction and attach. We need someone who is the yen for our yang and visa versa, not someone who is the yen for their own yang.

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I think OP already said he thinks the problem is - she's too tall. A lot of men are intimidated by women who are taller or close to being taller than them.

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I cosign with the ideology that sometimes just because you "look good on paper", it doesn't mean the emotion will happen that leads to romance.

 

I also agree many in the OP's position should deeply examine themselves to find out if they are attracted to drama, challenges, or being needed.

 

I think one of the biggest problems now in dating is that too many tend to think that something that comes easily is immediately "bad" or "settling". They meet someone who seems perfect, and he/she likes them, and everything is just happening easily with little to no effort...so the person thinks something is wrong.

 

 

Do some self-examination. Make sure it's simply just that you're not feeling it and NOT that you're inclined to chase "trouble".

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If I had to guess, I'd say she doesn't tap enough into men's need to be needed. Lots of men associate mushy romantic feelings with desire and need to provide and protect.

 

I don't think it is the case at all that she isn't relationship material. Sounds like she will make a fabulous partner for some lucky man!

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She's stable. Normal. Could be a faithful and loving companion.

 

Perhaps you don't run into such people very often. Compared to the drama queens, a stable woman could seem 'boring' at worst or, at most, a flat line, emotionally. Nothing scratches the romance itch, psychologically.

I really dont think it is that, I've never really gone after any dram, and I dont mind 'boring'? My favorite date is a simple cook dinner together and watch a movie together with my SO

 

You describe her as almost being the perfect woman. But, that is probably the problem.

 

I can see 2 possiblities here. It could be her but it could also be you (or a combination of both you and her).

 

Just because you don't feel a "spark", it doesn't mean that it's not there or that she's not a good match. In that case, you need to give it some time for a "spark" to grow.

I described her as perfect in terms of girlfriend worthy, she passes all the 'tests' that one needs to pass to be up to my standards, but I didnt find her 'perfect' like my 'dream' partner, which is fine because as you pointed out, no one will live up to to that, I was just pointing out she didnt have any deal breakers

 

I met her on NYE, so including when we met, we had 4 "dates" which I felt was enough time for a spark to develop...at least in my opinion. I never really wanted to make a move physically, not talking sex, but kissing, holding hands, arm around shoulder, etc...I had no motivation to do that

 

 

Why, because she's been told by other men that they dind't feel a romantic spark for her, despite her awesome qualities?

 

Sounds like relationship material to me!

Perhaps I didn't word it correctly, because I think she would be a great catch for anyone...I think she is relationship material because she passes all of my checks...but perhaps as others have pointed out that some people just have personalities that are harder to mesh with in terms of romantic connection

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