Boyfriend "doesn't feel like hes falling in love"

[Katt22]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about two months. He's a really great person and everything has been going pretty well so far, well at least I thought.

 

My boyfriend has been through a bad couple of years, he almost lost his younger brother to cancer a year ago and his father has only recently come home after being deployed to Afghanistan. He had a very bad break up with his previous rather unstable girlfriend about two years ago and all these things have seemed to have left him rather traumatized. He has a really hard time letting anyone in. I try to be patient with him and take things slowly but earlier today he said something that really bothered me.

 

He has this habit of being completely and brutally honest with me about everything. I really like that about him but at the same time it can be a little painful. We started talking about how we felt about each other, and I like to let him know that he does mean a lot to me and that I appreciate him and all the sweet things he does (which he really does). It was not at all an "I love you, do you love me?" conversation. I know that after two months of dating that we are really not ready to have that conversation or even really feel that kind of connection yet, which is why what he said next really shocked me.

 

"I don't feel like I'm falling in love with you" he said.

 

I was totally shocked and obviously really upset to hear those words just fly out of his mouth.

 

"are you unhappy?" I asked, kind of silently panicking inside.

 

"No, I'm not unhappy at all. I like you, A LOT. I don't know what it is, you are everything I could ever want in someone. I just don't know why I don't feel that way." he answered

 

I got upset and emotional, it was really hard and very confusing for me to hear those things kinda out of the blue. He was upset that he made me cry and almost immediately apologized for saying it. Once I had calmed down a little we talked about it a little further.

 

He told me that he cares a lot for me and that I'm very important to him and I know how hard that is for him to say. Unfortunately he had to go to work before I think we really got a chance to talk it through.

 

I cried the entire drive home, the words "I don't feel like I'm falling in love with you" just keep bouncing around my head.

 

He explained a little that its hard for him to get emotionally invested in things, I asked him to please not let me be something hes not invested in. He told me he's going to try, which I know is all I can ask of him.

 

I asked him to give me a call later tonight when he gets home from work which he agreed to. I told him I was just feeling a little insecure about it and I needed some reassurance

"I can do that" he said.

 

What is you're guys's opinions about this? Should I be as upset about this as I am? I really like this guy, but I have no idea how to feel about this or what to say to him when he calls me later. Advice and input would be so greatly appreciated.

[FitChick]

Suggest you two go on a break. Sounds like you're in a rut. If you are constantly together, he has no time to miss you.

[Katt22]

We're not constantly together, we see each other maybe twice a week. He and I are a little busy with work, and its important to us that we both set aside time every week to see each other

[Oxy Moronovich]

Guys who don't understand women should take note of this thread. Women fall in love quickly and fully like a waterfall into a paper cup, while men fall in love slowly like dripping faucet water into a large bucket. That's why women are so picky with men. They don't wanna fall in love with the wrong dude.

 

OP, I think you need to realize guys become more emotionally detached after a really bad relationship. I wouldn't go on break. You could go on break and he could still feel distant. I would recommend doing fun activities together like going to museums, hiking, camping, events, etc. Nothing brings couples closer together than sharing fun activities.

[kiss_andmakeup]

It's only been two months, a lot of people take longer than that to fall in love. Or has he indicated that this has been different from his past relationships?

[Michael30]

Your situation sounds so sad. I say give him a little time but considering that you guys don't see each other a lot-if he doesn't improve his attitude towards you, I say move on and find someone who's more interested in you.

[lululucy]

I just got dumped by my boyfriend of six months and he used the same phrase. He did rescind it afterwards and admit that he was not letting himself feel that way because, as Oxy stated, he was afraid of getting hurt. I know how it feels. There's no reason he should be in love with you at two months but the fact that he's bringing it up indicates he's feeling strongly about the issue. If he keeps losing (or almost losing) people close to him he might be afraid of having another person he's close to that he could lose.

[Tybalt]

I was talking about my tendency to give so much of my heart when I care for and invest in someone with a girlfriend tonight. She agreed she is the same way and said, "Someone always loves the other more, if even just a little. It's how we were made." Perhaps, for some of us. Perhaps that is more of a statement of relationship dynamics for certain personality types and is unavoidable regardless of gender.

 

I don't know. You can choose to hold back because he is doing that very thing, or let yourself give more and see what happens, see if his hesitation clears. I have mixed feelings about this because on the one hand, I'm proud to be true to myself, and have genuine feelings for someone. On the other hand, it is painful when the other person isn't on the same page, and sooner or later I have to gather myself back up and walk away if I'm not being loved back.

 

Trauma definitely has an effect. But whatever the reason, if you feel like you care more than he does, it is going to hurt you, and it doesn't really matter why he doesn't feel as much. Just be careful with yourself and remember that even if he never loves you, for whatever reason, that does not make you unloveable, at all.

[Katt22]

Thank you everyone for you're input, its really helped me get a grip on the situation.

 

He called me as soon as he got home from work last night and we talked it over for several hours. I told him at length how scared and upset it made me to hear that kinda randomly. I told him that as a female what he said sounded like "I don't love you and I never will". He apologized and admitted he should have never said it. He said he was just concerned because he suspects I love him already and he felt guilty for not feeling the same way yet. I apologized for making him feel pressured to feel that way but explained that I wasn't really ready to feel that way either.

 

I'm very glad we are able to handle these things in a semi functional way. We're not going to take a break, I think that's a little drastic considering everything.

 

In my personal opinion I think he does care for me deeply and it really frightens him, he's been very hurt by other people in his life and its incredibly hard for him to get close to anyone. He's just having a hard time adjusting. I'm trying to be patient and not let my own insecurities and fears control me, but its hard sometimes to juggle my insecurities and his insecurities at the same time.