fificremefarben Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 5 months BU after a 4 yr relationship with my childhood sweetheart (he lied, cheated and left me for someone else). I like how I'm managing to condense that backstory even more with every post . Although I'm in not totally over my ex, I've been flirtily bantering back and forth/ catching up (largely via text) with an old ex from my high school years who I was also really good friends with and had a lot of chemistry with. I hadn't seen him in a few years and we randomly bumped into each other not long after my breakup and swapped numbers (fate?). Chatting back and forth over the last month or so via text, he told me he's single now etc. I know a lot of you will say I shouldn't be considering it until I'm over my ex but I've accepted the relationship is over, and I saw this as a good opportunity to get back on the horse with a guy I actually like rather than a stranger. Anyway, I was in a bar on Christmas Eve with some friends and he happened to be there too (I live in a smallish town where everyone who has moved away comes home for the holidays, including him). The first time I'd actually seen him again since bumping into him. So we were getting on great and tbh things were kind of heading "that way" and I could feel the kiss coming closer (which I was looking forward to as i haven't so much as kissed another guy/rebounded since the breakup and, of late, i've been very keen to "cleanse myself of the ex" as it were). So the kiss happens and it's all very nice, then his younger brother spots us and comes over to say hello. Little brother then inadvertantly lets it slip that this guy has a GIRLFRIEND. Aah, I had to laugh. He told me he was single. So I made my excuses and left. He messaged me that night insisting that he didn't have a girlfriend "as such", but that he does have a "lady friend" at the moment. How complimentary for her to be known as the "lady friend". Either way, it smacks too much of my ex and what he did to me with the Other Woman. So he kept texting me, telling me that he really liked me but that he didn't know if he was "allowed to". It just made me laugh. The first guy I've liked since my long-term ex turns out to be no better than that cheating lowlife I spent 4 years with. How many lying scumbags can you encounter in succession. Where are all the honest, decent guys?!?!?! Obviously I'm going nowhere near him romantically as there's another woman involved and I know what that feels like. I'm just curious though...what is a "lady friend". Gotta be more than friends with benefits, right? Was he right to say the he was still technically single? What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I'd wager on it being someone he is casually dating but not committed to or someone he is just sleeping with. Link to post Share on other sites
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I think you made the right choice and handled it well. Some women wouldn't care about the feelings of the other person, would let the guy get away that nonsense and fool themselves into believing the "lady friend" nonsense. He might not be in a committed relationship with this other woman but he does have something going on with her. The line he said about not knowing if he was "allowed" to was a clear indicator that he was pretty sure what he was doing was sketchy. I doubt he ever had a conversation with this other woman about "seeing other people". No matter what it was, he was interacting with you and pretending the other person didn't exsist. He could have said, "I am seeing someone causually right now but we are not committed to one another". He didn't. He just acted like the other woman didn't exsist, to get some sexy time with you. You totally made the right choice. There ARE better men out there. OP, was the ex and this new guy similar in any regard? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 It just made me laugh. The first guy I've liked since my long-term ex turns out to be no better than that cheating lowlife I spent 4 years with. How many lying scumbags can you encounter in succession. Where are all the honest, decent guys?!?!?! Obviously I'm going nowhere near him romantically as there's another woman involved and I know what that feels like. I'm just curious though...what is a "lady friend". Gotta be more than friends with benefits, right? Was he right to say the he was still technically single? What do you think? I think you're amazing. The best way to meet decent guys is to not waste time on the cheating low-lives. Good job Fifi! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fificremefarben Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 OP, was the ex and this new guy similar in any regard? Physically no, but I guess they have a similar, dry sense of humour. Also, my ex of 4 years was my childhood sweetheart (14 years history between us in total), but, since I met the ex from the bar in high school too, I suppose he's childhood sweethearty in a way. Maybe I was drawn to him again cos I remember the guy he was, not realising the guy he is now. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Well you obviously jumped on the horse too quickly...I think that kind of mentality is humorous to be honest...how does this help you move on? how does it help you deal with the past? it doesn't, just puts your expectations and hopes into a new person that you don't even know. Just because you knew him from highschool doesn't mean you know where he is right now or what kind of guy he has become. And since you live in a small town, no I don't think it was fate, more of a test of your common sense...you should've known better, but maybe this is a lesson to you not to make the same mistake again and deal with the past first. A lady friend is someone you are sleeping with and spend time with but doesn't or hasn't escalated to anything serious. This is how men in relationships or that want to string women along structure their dating life. It's funny he got busted though, because had he not you'd probably have never found out you were just an option. This is why you spend time with people and get to know them and what their about before claiming "where are the honest men at?" There are going to be honest men and dishonest men, coincidentally dishonest men will typically be the ones in your face as they put themselves out there like that where the honest men are typically more reserved and also want to take things slow if they want something serious. Dishonest men are typically the ones who want you to ride the ride right away. Link to post Share on other sites
laotzu Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I don't necessarily agree with the posters who are indicating he's stringing someone else along, though it may be the case. I'm casually seeing someone right now, and we both know that we're probably not "relationship material". We're aware that the other person is looking for something more long term, and dating other people, and - though it could get messy - we're not clingy or jealous or anything. It's literally a girl who is my friend, who I sleep with or am affectionate with in private. For all you know this guy has been waiting for someone more compatible to come along. Now, what I will say for sure is that his brother indicating it's a girlfriend is a big difference, and suggests something more nefarious is going on. My brothers/friends know that this girl and I are seeing one another on a very casual basis, and wouldn't use the term girlfriend, though they might correctly say that I'm dating her. Link to post Share on other sites
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I'd wager on it being someone he is casually dating but not committed to or someone he is just sleeping with. Bingo. That's what came to my mind as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Physically no, but I guess they have a similar, dry sense of humour. Also, my ex of 4 years was my childhood sweetheart (14 years history between us in total), but, since I met the ex from the bar in high school too, I suppose he's childhood sweethearty in a way. Maybe I was drawn to him again cos I remember the guy he was, not realising the guy he is now. It can be common to pick men that are physicaly different but have simliar personalities. Maybe you should figure out what kind of man you are attracted to beyond the phyiscal, and why you picked both of these men. And figure out what kind of man you'd like in the future, what kind of qualities you'd want him to exemplify. I suggest making a list. Writing it down. You might be surprised what you find important in a man. And this list can help you spot those kind of men, the men you really want, in your life since you will ahve a clearer idea about what your looking for. I have done this for myself and I have thought about the healthy good relatoinships I know in my life, my parents, my uncle, my brother.. I think about the things that the people I know do for their loved one or how they treat each other and it makes it easier to spot in other men since I took the time to think about what qualities I really wanted instead of just saying "i just want a good man". Hope that makes sense. I also would agree with Ninjainpajamas. Next time take a little more time to get to know someone before moving so fast in your interest in them. It's okay to have feel good feelings but it's when we act on them without knowing too much about the other person, then there might be some potential for misguidedness there. Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 The raw conjecture posters are willing to engage in here. OP, you simply have too little information. Brother could have all kinds of motives including fancying you himself, you simply don't know. The man in question could be sleeping with some woman, could be dating five women, could be engaged, etc., you simply don't know. If you go about willingly kissing strangers, this sort of thing and misunderstandings are going to arise. If you are sensitive in this area due to past baggage, make an effort to truly know men you are considering rather than rushing to lay blame on some man for "tricking" you somehow. "Lying scumbag?" Way way out of line in light of the scanty facts you know. You are very obviously not ready to date yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fificremefarben Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 The raw conjecture posters are willing to engage in here. OP, you simply have too little information. Brother could have all kinds of motives including fancying you himself, you simply don't know. The man in question could be sleeping with some woman, could be dating five women, could be engaged, etc., you simply don't know. If you go about willingly kissing strangers, this sort of thing and misunderstandings are going to arise. If you are sensitive in this area due to past baggage, make an effort to truly know men you are considering rather than rushing to lay blame on some man for "tricking" you somehow. "Lying scumbag?" Way way out of line in light of the scanty facts you know. You are very obviously not ready to date yet. He's not a stranger, he's an old school friend from a couple years back. That's why I was testing the waters with him, specifically cos he's NOT a stranger and I feel (or felt) comfortable around him and the old chemistry was still there. My wording may have been strong but he did tell me that he was single and then later admitted to the lady friend, so it's not entirely unjust. I'm inclined to agree with you, though, that I'm not ready to date yet, especially when I seem to be seeking out carbon copies of my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fificremefarben Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 Well you obviously jumped on the horse too quickly...I think that kind of mentality is humorous to be honest...how does this help you move on? how does it help you deal with the past? it doesn't, just puts your expectations and hopes into a new person that you don't even know. Just because you knew him from highschool doesn't mean you know where he is right now or what kind of guy he has become. And since you live in a small town, no I don't think it was fate, more of a test of your common sense...you should've known better, but maybe this is a lesson to you not to make the same mistake again and deal with the past first. A lady friend is someone you are sleeping with and spend time with but doesn't or hasn't escalated to anything serious. This is how men in relationships or that want to string women along structure their dating life. It's funny he got busted though, because had he not you'd probably have never found out you were just an option. This is why you spend time with people and get to know them and what their about before claiming "where are the honest men at?" There are going to be honest men and dishonest men, coincidentally dishonest men will typically be the ones in your face as they put themselves out there like that where the honest men are typically more reserved and also want to take things slow if they want something serious. Dishonest men are typically the ones who want you to ride the ride right away. I felt there were fate connotations because he doesn't live or work in the small town we grew up in any more, and so never goes out there socially except for at Christmas. I rarely go out in the town socially myself (more inclinced to go to the nearest city we live to), so when I randomly bumped into him in November it was an odd occurence. I suppose you could say I did jump on the horse too quickly but I'm not so sure. How are you supposed to judge these things? I avoided rebound in the months following the breakup because the thought of being with anyone else sickened me. He's the first guy since then that I feel (or felt) attracted to and we spent a month in contact rediscovering each other. How could I not assume that this was my big green light that I was ready to move on? How could I not have taken him at face value and assumed he was being honest when he told me he was single and I'd spent time getting to know him?? I had no reason then to distrust him. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I think "lady friend" must refer to someone well into her 60s who mostly just likes to play cards. Not sure about your situation, but that doesn't strike me as someone to get jealous of. She might send cookies for him to bring along on your next date. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fificremefarben Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 I think "lady friend" must refer to someone well into her 60s who mostly just likes to play cards. Not sure about your situation, but that doesn't strike me as someone to get jealous of. She might send cookies for him to bring along on your next date. LMAO! Thanks Johan, I needed that Link to post Share on other sites
soulm8 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 his brother indicating it's a girlfriend is a big difference, and suggests something more nefarious is going on. My brothers/friends know that this girl and I are seeing one another on a very casual basis, and wouldn't use the term girlfriend, though they might correctly say that I'm dating her. ^this. I think you handled the situation perfectly. You're probably on his mind like crazy too, as a result Link to post Share on other sites
Author fificremefarben Posted January 10, 2012 Author Share Posted January 10, 2012 ^this. I think you handled the situation perfectly. You're probably on his mind like crazy too, as a result I kinda hope so x Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 He's already seeing someone but not as serious about her as she is about him. He's already 'dabbling' with someone else. I hope he's told his 'lady friend' that he sees other women. I think you're wise to steer clear of him. Link to post Share on other sites
imfromhoiland Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I've used "lady friend" before. I use it in that awkward period where you didn't just start dating someone, and you're not officially together or had an exclusivity talk, but it's kind of assumed that you both are currently exclusive. If this guy is like that, he wouldn't be cheating if started seeing you, nor would he be obligated to tell the other person, but that can be kind of sleezy. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Ha! I almost think I know this guy! I got involved with way too much drama with a guy who told me that the girl he was dating he was only "dating," and that she wasn't his girlfriend, he was not committed to her, and that she was just his "lady friend." Well, they'd been "just dating" for 10 months, spent every night together, and talked about wedding colors. He had led HER to believe that they were an official item, and a serious item at that, even if he didn't call her his "girlfriend" or have any plans/intent of being with her long term. Steer clear of this one. Trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
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