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3rd date: he asked me back to his place already


silvermercy

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Like out of a textbook... I don't feel like writing much since I'm bit down today so I'll post a quick post; maybe I'll post more later. Soooo.... we had our 3rd date last night (as opposed to our previous day/afternoon dates) and all was going simply GREAT so far. He seemed brilliant. Smart, charming, educated, well-dressed, polite, great sense of humour and last but not least, great looks, too! We went to the cinema and then a nice restaurant. Anyway... We flirted a lot and I thought there was a lot of chemistry between us. We kissed once and it was really great. I was looking forward to the 4th date soon. That was before the night ended and well.... before he asked me to his place to err.. how should I say that... "sleep". :rolleyes: Oh I'm pretty sure about what he meant by that. LOL It was just past midnight, the restaurant was closing, and was about to get a taxi back home. I tried to find some excuses as to why I shouldn't, like not having any proper clothes (to which he replied laughing "well, you won't need them." :eek: I then said I was feeling a bit tired and sleepy (and I was). And so on... Long story short, it was rapidly getting awkward by then, but he was still asking me and that put me off a lot. Just... total turn off I suppose. I just won't do that (in less than a week I mean, because to me it feels too casual). So it was like he turned to another person. Anyway, the taxi was not far away and I awkwardly mumbled some more excuses as politely as I could, wished goodnight and left. He has texted me three times so far since yesterday but I haven't responded yet. I will have to, soon, though. So.... I suppose the question should be: how do I let him down gently? :( Aaargh!! I thought this one was great and fully compatible. I just feel down).

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If he's as charming and good looking as you say, then he probably just assumes that sex will happen between the first and third date because that's all he knows. Instead of hating him for it, try to understand.

 

How long were you expecting him to wait anyway? The fact that he's texting you after the fact shows that he doesnt want to just use you for sex. If I wanted to use a girl for sex and she panicked like you, I would just write you off.

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Hmm...I would have said let it go based on your title and what I expected to have gone down, but the fact that he kept pushing and pushing it, that changes things. Are you totally turned off by the guy, or do you want to give him a small chance?

 

I don't like using the "I was drunk excuse", but did he have any drinks? That could have made him act a little more unlike what he wanted to.

 

 

Though, if you still want to give him one small chance, I'd tell him that you're not ready to sleep together yet and want the relationship grow more, if he can't respect that forget him.

 

If you don't want to give him the chance, I'd say being honest is the best bet, sure it might not be super gentle, BUT he needs to know where he messed up so in the future he can at least possibly fix that.

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If you're not ready and willing to go to that level with him, then you shouldn't feel bad about setting that boundary. Good for you for not feeling pressured.

 

Maybe he just felt the chemistry and felt it was the right time. Or maybe he was just horny. Either way, I'd have just said that you're really enjoying getting to know him and feel lots of chemistry but that you'd like to spend a little more time with him before taking that step.

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Thanks. He did drink a BIG glass of red wine but he didn't look drunk I must say...

It's just the fact that he kept persisting (well not in a threatening way, but still...) That made me see him in a different light...

 

Well, I didn't panic. Just put off. I don't do casual sex. (I personally find such bold offers of sex so soon questionable). Also, I refuse to believe I'm sooooo hot no man can control himself and resist me. LOL

 

Yeah... maybe I will give him a chance to explain himself. (but I think the damage is done by now in my mind. :() *sigh*

 

Thanks everyone for your help! :)

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Silvermercy he's not a really smooth guy and making you feel uncomfortable so, dump him if its not fun anymore.

 

I would have tried to have sex with you on the first date for the record... Though I would have been really cool about it and probably suceeded, and if not at least have made you felt flattered for my having tried!

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In the future if this happens again, you don't have to make up excuses just to be polite. Just tell him that you're not ready to spend the night with him and you'd like to get to know him better before you take that step. There's nothing wrong with that, and if the guy is really interested in you (and not just sex), he'll respect that.

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Just proves he's a healthy male imo. Most people would want to have sex with you way before that, those that act as if they don't are usually the sneaky ones.

 

If you don't feel like it, say it clear enough to not leave any doubts. If he doesn't respect that, call the cops on him. Don't hint someone you're not ready or whatever without being completely sure he understands, nothing good can come from it.

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Feelin Frisky

You didn't say what the tone of his texts were. Were they remorseful or conciliatory? Or did it just say "text"? I think how you treat him should have at least something to do with how he feels about what happened and acts toward you. Guys can be awkward and make mistakes. I can't tell at all from what you said how over-the-line his behavior was--he seemed persistent but not insistent and you did go on your way. I also got the impression from the title that this was a "third date" but it seems more that since this all took place in one week and both other occasions were day-time meetings that this was really your first date. At first I thought--3rd date, everything good, what's the problem? But reading closer, this appears to be your first date and he was obviously too presumptive for you. Consider

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homersheineken

He's a guy who wanted to have sex, what's the problem? He was persistent, most guys are. Nothing seems unusual.

 

If you don't want to for a while, just tell him and see how he reacts.

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@silvermercy: Believing in my guts has always proved to be the best thing to do. He made you uncomfortable by keeping asking, even though the situation already got awkward... Something tells you it's not right (I disagree with the above posts - someone who's "smart, educated, polite" should know where to stop and not keep asking when you're clearly uncomfortable).

 

You've only had 3 dates, this is not considered serious yet, so just tell him how you feel and discontinue this. No big deal.

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His messages were short. Like "hey, how you doing, had a great time. Hope to cu again soon... And so on... Can't tell much from that...

 

Well, we both had considered the other daytime ones as "dates" when we were discussing about them, but I don't know... The 3rd looked more... official perhaps...

 

I know men can be more sexually aggressive than women but how would I know if he's not playing me? I just can't risk it so soon. I suppose I'm disappointed that it's always ME who has to ask. Don't they won't to know more about my personality first? Oh well... Maybe I will give him one LAST chance but if he expects something on a 4th date he'll also be greatly disappointed. LOL If he runs after that, well, no big loss there.

 

edit: I tried a lot not to show I was feeling awkward, so maybe he didn't pick up on that. I probably suck with "signals". lol

Edited by silvermercy
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His messages were short. Like "hey, how you doing, had a great time. Hope to cu again soon... And so on... Can't tell much from that...

 

Well, we both had considered the other daytime ones as "dates" when we were discussing about them, but I don't know... The 3rd looked more... official perhaps...

 

I know men can be more sexually aggressive than women but how would I know if he's not playing me? I just can't risk it so soon. I suppose I'm disappointed that it's always ME who has to ask. Don't they won't to know more about my personality first? Oh well... Maybe I will give him one LAST chance but if he expects something on a 4th date he'll also be greatly disappointed. LOL If he runs after that, well, no big loss there.

 

edit: I tried a lot not to show I was feeling awkward, so maybe he didn't pick up on that. I probably suck with "signals". lol

Be sure to tell him you're not ready for sex, don't just avoid the topic if you give him another shot. If you have a timetable based on past relationships, let him know...i.e. say you dont like having sex until you've dated for 2 months, let him know that...if you can't make him a timetable, just use the generic, you want to get more comfortable with him and if he doesnt respect that, he isnt worth it

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It's kind of amazing how many guys, even the ones who say they wouldn't, will wait for sex if the rest of the relationship is good. I've had guys who were known "players," who slept around like crazy before we met, be completely respectful when I wanted to wait.

 

I think if you liked him before those advances and part of you still wants to give it a shot, it is worth it to have a conversation and try again. If it didn't occur to him that you might not be ready for sex with him, maybe he thought he was just being charming. Tell him how you feel, that you want to wait. Until there is a commitment, for two or three months, until you are "serious"... Heck, until you're married. And then let him decide if he can go for whatever boundary you suggest.

 

On the other hand, if you dread the idea of hanging out with him again now, then cut him loose and don't force it.

 

I don't think it's obvious you should give up on him, he's still texting so he must not be all about sex. And he is probably embarrassed that you turned him down, so imagine what it takes to send you texts. It's your call. But kudos for not giving in and doing something you weren't ready to do!

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He wanted to sleep with you after 3 dates?! What a terrible person, clearly you should dump him immediately!

 

Just as dumb would be him dumping you for not having sex with him.

 

You are aloud to clearly tell him you like to wait to have sex. A guy worth dating long term won't suddenly think of you in a negative light because of that. Seems like he's not aware how to naturally progress things as the way he went about it does seem kinda lame.

 

Just be aware if you are gonna go months and months before being more physical you are probably going to get dumped by somebody with options.

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Just tell him outright you're not ready for sex.

 

Honestly, most men will try when they are attracted to a woman.

If his only intention had been sex, he would have tried on the first date, and he wouldn't have texted you after being turned down on the third date.

 

Just be honest that you're not ready to take that step. If sex is all he is looking for, he'll bail- if it's not, he'll recognize the boundary and ease off.

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I think it speaks to his character that he kept pushing, even after you gave a fairly overt cue that you were uncomfortable with it. Recognize that he's either not good at recognizing emotional uncomfortableness, or not good at respecting it.

 

I'd suggest sex and then step-off, unless I felt that the "rejection" was mostly a formality - but those things are hard to determine out of context. Saying, "you won't need" your clothes strikes me as hilarious, but perhaps I just have some class. I'd say that to a girl I was already sleeping with, not to someone I hadn't slept with yet.

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Honestly though if a guy suggests you come back to his place within a few dates and you reject his advances he will respect you for it if he wants to be with you LTR. I've had girls turn me down early on but wanted to continue seeing me, so I would continue to pursue and take them on dates.

 

I think from a guy's perspective it's perfectly normal for the guy to want to get into the physical. But to make potential out of it, it's the girl's responsibility to respect her boundaries and let the guy know you're interested in him and want to continue seeing him.

 

If a guy walks away or drops a girl because she rejects his invitation to his place, then he probably isn't LTR material. If the guy will continue to chase the girl after that kind of rejection, then he might actually be worth it.

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Like everyone is saying, -tell him-. He isn't psychic, you're well-aware that a lot of women have no problem with sex early on in a relationship so how should he know, especially if you're flirting and kissing him as well, how you feel unless you tell him? Expecting him to pick up on your signals is silly and irresponsible. Writing him off without giving him a chance to wait and start a relationship with you is just running away from someone out of fear of what might happen if it works out.

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Like everyone is saying, -tell him-. He isn't psychic, you're well-aware that a lot of women have no problem with sex early on in a relationship so how should he know, especially if you're flirting and kissing him as well, how you feel unless you tell him? Expecting him to pick up on your signals is silly and irresponsible. Writing him off without giving him a chance to wait and start a relationship with you is just running away from someone out of fear of what might happen if it works out.

 

I absolutely agree with the above, don't be irresponsible about the situation. I lost an opportunity once with a girl in this kind of situation because she chose to run away.

 

The right guy will be understanding, the douchebag type won't.

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I reeeeeeeeally want to make a snarky jab about the third date being "already," but I guess practically speaking someone should be able to pick up on whether someone would consider the third date to be "already" at some point before the end of the third date.

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DirtyDancing
Honestly though if a guy suggests you come back to his place within a few dates and you reject his advances he will respect you for it if he wants to be with you LTR. I've had girls turn me down early on but wanted to continue seeing me, so I would continue to pursue and take them on dates.

 

I think from a guy's perspective it's perfectly normal for the guy to want to get into the physical. But to make potential out of it, it's the girl's responsibility to respect her boundaries and let the guy know you're interested in him and want to continue seeing him.

 

If a guy walks away or drops a girl because she rejects his invitation to his place, then he probably isn't LTR material. If the guy will continue to chase the girl after that kind of rejection, then he might actually be worth it.

 

I have to agree with this. Hey, if he invites you back to his place next time (because to me it sounds like he's still pursuing that possibility !) there's really nothing wrong with you physically going there if you want to, and if things 'escalate' then simply tell him you're not ready! Simple. I have done this early on in dating and give my single girlfriends this advice. And as mentioned before, if you don't reject but POSTPONE his advances (if you like him that is), if he really likes you and is worth it, he'll respect you more and by God he will continue to try. Don't lead him on of course, but yes, I agree that you must set boundaries. Play the game, and use it to your advantage. :)

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To be quite honest you sound like a nightmare to date.

 

Firstly, third date isn't 'early', it's about normal. Many have sex sooner.

 

Secondly, you're totally unable to communicate the reason to him. What is so hard about saying "I'm not ready for that yet"? Instead you're coming out with crap like not having clothes and being a bit tired.

 

Thirdly, you're totally neurotic. It's perfectly normal for a guy to want sex - especially if you've been heavily flirting all evening - and yet you're acting like he's destroyed every last bit of the connection you two had, and you're not even replying to his messages or sure you want to see him again.

 

Fourthly, you're insecure. The only reason you've given for not wanting to sleep with him at this point is that it's 'too risky' he might be playing you. The way to find love and happiness in life in general is to follow your heart, not be controlled by your fears.

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PlumPrincess

I've come to accept the fact that many men will try to have sex and that it's on you to tell them no. They simply don't see you as that special woman with delicate feelings. They find you attractive, so they want to sleep with you, that's all. There's probably not much more thinking going on beyond that. Those who are just in it for the sex, should be avoided, but the others, who apart from finding you attractive, actually do like you, might deserve a chance?

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To be quite honest you sound like a nightmare to date.

 

Firstly, third date isn't 'early', it's about normal. Many have sex sooner.

 

Secondly, you're totally unable to communicate the reason to him. What is so hard about saying "I'm not ready for that yet"? Instead you're coming out with crap like not having clothes and being a bit tired.

 

Thirdly, you're totally neurotic. It's perfectly normal for a guy to want sex - especially if you've been heavily flirting all evening - and yet you're acting like he's destroyed every last bit of the connection you two had, and you're not even replying to his messages or sure you want to see him again.

 

Fourthly, you're insecure. The only reason you've given for not wanting to sleep with him at this point is that it's 'too risky' he might be playing you. The way to find love and happiness in life in general is to follow your heart, not be controlled by your fears.

 

Completely agree. OP, why are you offended that he fancied you and made a move? I'm not getting the impression from your posts that he was particularly pushy yet you are making a huge deal out of this because you are assuming he is only after sex. It's completely normal wanting to have sex AND wanting LTR too, whether you are compatible long term is another matter.

 

I would expect a man making it pretty clear that he wants to have sex with me very soon otherwise I would feel I was wasting my time. I certainly wouldn't flirt with him heavily if I wasn't ready for sex. OP take responsibility for your actions and communicate clearly what you want. It's immature to expect him to read your mind.

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