Do you ever feel like it's just not meant to happen for you?

[ditzchic]

Like it's all futile and no matter what you do or who you meet it just isn't in the cards for you?

 

I'm approaching 30. I'm an active dater, I have a lot going for me, not unattractive, my weekends are usually booked up with dates, parties, social events. While there are some things I'd like to change in my life (mainly jobs and location) my life definitely doesn't suck. I meet new people all the time. I'm generally pretty sociable and moderately outgoing. I have a ton of interests and a killer sense of humor. I never have a problem getting "picked up" but I have a ridiculously hard time finding people I connect with and really truly like "that way". I admit I'm picky, if I don't feel the butterflies on the 1st date, there's a good chance there won't be a second one.

 

In my 15ish years of dating experience I've only had 3 real relationships. One 7 years (very on and off and I was very young and stupid 17-24), one 7 months, and one 3 monther. Ironically the 3 monther was the only guy I've ever really felt that crazy chemistry with. But we were horribly incompatible.

 

I've always been on the fence about marriage and kids. I'd like to but I don't NEED to. If I meet someone ridiculously special I would in a heartbeat but I'm definitely not settling just to get those things. But it's really getting to the point where I'm just not seeing it happen. And no this isn't me just being down on myself, I really can't see the future playing out that way. I don't try too hard to find "the one" because I believe that's something that can't be forced. But like I said, I date, I'm social and I have a profile on the dating sites just so I don't miss any golden opportunities. But it just isn't happening.

 

Is it a bad idea to just throw in the towel and say eff it? I feel like I'm getting to the point in my life where I need to start making some of the hard decisions. Like I need to settle into a steady career path, make some decisions about where I want to live, maybe buy a home. I've always kinda put that stuff off because I didn't know where life was leading and I was just going with the flow. But now I feel like I should start nailing that stuff down. Should I get my stuff in order now and prepare for a life of independence? Or should I still stay uncommitted and "drift" while I wait for things to play out? I'm torn...

[jobaba]

Like it's all futile and no matter what you do or who you meet it just isn't in the cards for you?

 

I'm approaching 30. I'm an active dater, I have a lot going for me, not unattractive, my weekends are usually booked up with dates, parties, social events. While there are some things I'd like to change in my life (mainly jobs and location) my life definitely doesn't suck. I meet new people all the time. I'm generally pretty sociable and moderately outgoing. I have a ton of interests and a killer sense of humor. I never have a problem getting "picked up" but I have a ridiculously hard time finding people I connect with and really truly like "that way". I admit I'm picky, if I don't feel the butterflies on the 1st date, there's a good chance there won't be a second one.

 

In my 15ish years of dating experience I've only had 3 real relationships. One 7 years (very on and off and I was very young and stupid 17-24), one 7 months, and one 3 monther. Ironically the 3 monther was the only guy I've ever really felt that crazy chemistry with. But we were horribly incompatible.

 

I've always been on the fence about marriage and kids. I'd like to but I don't NEED to. If I meet someone ridiculously special I would in a heartbeat but I'm definitely not settling just to get those things. But it's really getting to the point where I'm just not seeing it happen. And no this isn't me just being down on myself, I really can't see the future playing out that way. I don't try too hard to find "the one" because I believe that's something that can't be forced. But like I said, I date, I'm social and I have a profile on the dating sites just so I don't miss any golden opportunities. But it just isn't happening.

 

Is it a bad idea to just throw in the towel and say eff it? I feel like I'm getting to the point in my life where I need to start making some of the hard decisions. Like I need to settle into a steady career path, make some decisions about where I want to live, maybe buy a home. I've always kinda put that stuff off because I didn't know where life was leading and I was just going with the flow. But now I feel like I should start nailing that stuff down. Should I get my stuff in order now and prepare for a life of independence? Or should I still stay uncommitted and "drift" while I wait for things to play out? I'm torn...

 

I've never felt like anything in life is 'in the cards' for me.

 

This holds true for career, friendships, artistic passion, and ESPECIALLY women.

 

Anything in life that I wish to succeed in, I know I'll have to work my a@@ off. I just have to figure out where to expend my energy. And some will be harder than others. I've played music for 16 years and if I put in time I KNOW I will get results. Women on the other hand...

 

I mean, my dating life is nothing like yours. I have to work my a@@ off to get anything, let alone someone who I connect with immensely and feel butterflies with. And I get A LOT of rejection. So feel fortunate. I suggest you do the same. If you want a 'particular man', work your a@@ off to get him. Hit the gym, work on your career to seem more impressive, wear better clothes, get a talent or passion and get really good at it.

 

These are all things that would impress me if I were a man.

 

I am a man actually...

[ditzchic]

If you want a 'particular man', work your a@@ off to get him. Hit the gym, work on your career to seem more impressive, wear better clothes, get a talent or passion and get really good at it.

 

These are all things that would impress me if I were a man.

 

I am a man actually...

 

That's the thing. I don't feel the pull for any particular man. My career, my health, my social life, I definitely work my a@@ off for them. My whole life I lived by the philosophy that if I lived my life passionately it would all fall into place in the romance department. I just don't feel the pull to go chasing men. Even that one guy I had crazy chemistry with, I'm pretty sure if I wanted him back, I could work my ass off and get him back. I just don't feel the need to do that. I'm one of the most driven people you could ever meet. I'm like a dog with a bone when I want something. I'm just so passive about relationships it makes me wonder if it's because I know deep down that I'm not meant to have a real meaningful permanent one.

 

It's a good thing I have a starter cat

[creighton0123]

" I admit I'm picky, if I don't feel the butterflies on the 1st date, there's a good chance there won't be a second one."

 

I would say that you adopt a new policy when it comes to romance and dating. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and, if they want to, go out on three dates with them before you decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship. If you don't give the other person more time, you may end up quickly abandoning a potentially brilliant relationship based on a first impression.

[Pizzaman81]

OP you are my exact clone. However one key difference, I never thought about giving up completely.

 

I just reached 30 and everything you described is pretty much me, except i might be slightly better looking (kidding.. STOP IT)

 

And what is wrong with having few relationships in the past? I have had 4 and I thought that is too many... I mean think about it dude, you start a relationship to end it? I am not proud to have had 4 moderate term relationships.

 

Dont throw in the towel. I know the big 3 O is scary, i was a bit concerned too. You will find that person. Oh ya... Man up!!

[Pizzaman81]

Wait is OP male or female? Haha either way man up!

[DepressedinDenver]

The whole butterflies on first date is really killing you. If you have this on the first date its not really a good sign its usually lust and lust aint gonna get you very far in a relationship.

 

Start going on second dates if you have a lot in common not just if you have that little bit of excitement that in the long run truly means nothing on a first date.

[ditzchic]

I just reached 30 and everything you described is pretty much me, except i might be slightly better looking (kidding.. STOP IT)

 

 

Based on this joke alone, I think we may be exact clones. Except for the naughty bits. I'm female

 

I would say that you adopt a new policy when it comes to romance and dating. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and, if they want to, go out on three dates with them before you decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship. If you don't give the other person more time, you may end up quickly abandoning a potentially brilliant relationship based on a first impression.

 

I also have this issue with leading people on or hurting them. I know me and I know that I know pretty quickly if I'm into someone or not. I don't want to string people along in the hopes that it'll turn into something it's not. I'm really not that hard to impress. I know people get nervous and say and do stupid shizz on a first date. I don't have a walking checklist for them, it's more of an overall feel of the person. I'm pretty good at reading people and I'm extremely self-aware. I just... know. And if we've only had a date or two I will usually remain friendly with the guy in the future so it's not like he has totally been written off. I have never had a bad first date that has had something come of it later though.

[ditzchic]

The whole butterflies on first date is really killing you. If you have this on the first date its not really a good sign its usually lust and lust aint gonna get you very far in a relationship.

 

Not too sound too unladylike here.. but I can tell the difference between lusty butterflies and chemistry butterflies. I've definitely wanted to bang more than just one guy throughout the course of my life. lol.

[oaks]

I'm approaching 30. I'm an active dater, I have a lot going for me, not unattractive, my weekends are usually booked up with dates, parties, social events.

 

In my 15ish years of dating experience I've only had 3 real relationships. One 7 years (very on and off and I was very young and stupid 17-24), one 7 months, and one 3 monther. Ironically the 3 monther was the only guy I've ever really felt that crazy chemistry with. But we were horribly incompatible.

 

So you're an active dater who is going on dates, and in your 15 years of dating experience you've been in a relationship about half of that time.

 

And you're feeling that things aren't meant to happen for you?

 

Jeez, Louise. Can you come back when you've got a dating problem?

[ditzchic]

So you're an active dater who is going on dates, and in your 15 years of dating experience you've been in a relationship about half of that time.

 

And you're feeling that things aren't meant to happen for you?

 

Jeez, Louise. Can you come back when you've got a dating problem?

 

Well if you take out the long one from when I was young... that's 10 months in the last 6 years. That's not so good!

[jobaba]

I never have a problem getting "picked up" but I have a ridiculously hard time finding people I connect with and really truly like "that way". I admit I'm picky, if I don't feel the butterflies on the 1st date, there's a good chance there won't be a second one.

 

I'm going to be very nice here, but honest at the same time. In other words, I'm going refrain from saying what I really want to say.

 

Your above approach ... and then saying you want to give up and you weren't meant to have anybody and be happy. You are not get a whole lot of pity from a whole lot of people.

[shayla]

At 30 years old, you have alot of living before you can really decide to give up. The best relationship I've ever been in didn't happen until I was over 40.

[Feelsgoodman]

I'm approaching 30. I'm an active dater, I have a lot going for me, not unattractive, my weekends are usually booked up with dates, parties, social events. While there are some things I'd like to change in my life (mainly jobs and location) my life definitely doesn't suck. I meet new people all the time. I'm generally pretty sociable and moderately outgoing. I have a ton of interests and a killer sense of humor. I never have a problem getting "picked up" but I have a ridiculously hard time finding people I connect with and really truly like "that way". I admit I'm picky, if I don't feel the butterflies on the 1st date, there's a good chance there won't be a second one.

Let's translate the above from woman-speak to standard English:

 

I am an average looking girl already past my prime who has a crappy job and lives in a crappy part of the country. I also have unrealistically high standards when it comes to men. Am I "doomed" to be alone forever?

 

(The answer is YES by the way)

[ThaWholigan]

I wonder a lot about whether I am just not meant to date, but most of the time I snap out of it because it is stupid to get caught in such a negative thought loop.

[ThaWholigan]

Let's translate the above from woman-speak to standard English:

 

I am an average looking girl already past my prime who has a crappy job and lives in a crappy part of the country. I also have unrealistically high standards when it comes to men. Am I "doomed" to be alone forever?

 

(The answer is YES by the way)

 

That's just it though. This is something I have put a lot of thought into.

 

These "unrealistically high standards" that we often speak of. Are they so out of reach that we as men ourselves cannot reach to become that standard??

 

Define these unrealistically high standards. I am willing to bet that at least half of them can be worked on.....

[jobaba]

That's just it though. This is something I have put a lot of thought into.

 

These "unrealistically high standards" that we often speak of. Are they so out of reach that we as men ourselves cannot reach to become that standard??

 

Define these unrealistically high standards. I am willing to bet that at least half of them can be worked on.....

 

Please see my thread on men dressing well and women's thoughts on that. Something I have spent thousands of dollars on and thought and time, to a significant degree for women, has been discovered to be a turnoff for a lot of women. Also, I workout. A lot of women don't like cut guys. It doesn't help your 'attractiveness level' in their eyes.

 

So, what's left? Your job and your personality? IMHO, your game and personality will already help you, but not to get women with those "unrealistically high standards". It'll help you with the more down to earth ones.

[ThaWholigan]

Please see my thread on men dressing well and women's thoughts on that. Something I have spent thousands of dollars on and thought and time, to a significant degree for women, has been discovered to be a turnoff for a lot of women. Also, I workout. A lot of women don't like cut guys. It doesn't help your 'attractiveness level' in their eyes.

 

So, what's left? Your job and your personality? IMHO, your game and personality will already help you, but not to get women with those "unrealistically high standards". It'll help you with the more down to earth ones.

 

Well, I think that we should not care about standards except our own. If I want to be an athletic man with lots of money, plenty of skills etc, I'm doing it for me and not just to get a date with someone with "unrealistically high standards", good luck to them, I hope they get it.

 

Should I fit a woman's archetype, great, bonus, let's date! If not, it's all good as far as I'm concerned. I guess I'm just naturally more optimistic about things.

[jobaba]

Well, I think that we should not care about standards except our own. If I want to be an athletic man with lots of money, plenty of skills etc, I'm doing it for me and not just to get a date with someone with "unrealistically high standards", good luck to them, I hope they get it.

 

Should I fit a woman's archetype, great, bonus, let's date! If not, it's all good as far as I'm concerned. I guess I'm just naturally more optimistic about things.

 

That doesn't match what you just said above though.

 

But, I'm going more towards that anyway. There's no way you can fit all womens' standards really, unless you are really good looking. So, need to kill yourself trying to do a million things. Just focus on a few.

[iris219]

I often feel the same way you do--that I wasn't meant to with anyone. The guys on here will tell you to be less picky, but I understand that if you're not attracted to and/or compatible with someone it won't work. I also think some people have a harder time forming connections than others.

 

You said you aren't dying to be in a relationship or start a family. Do you really want a relationship or do you feel like you should want one?

 

I have a hard time "feeling it" because I meet men who range from having lots of issues to just being horrible human beings. I think I'd feel better if I at least met normal people. Be glad you have a pool of normal, single men where you live. As of now, I'm convinced that most of the single men over 30 (in my area) are single because they have traits that make them very undesirable.

[Feelsgoodman]

Please see my thread on men dressing well and women's thoughts on that. Something I have spent thousands of dollars on and thought and time, to a significant degree for women, has been discovered to be a turnoff for a lot of women. Also, I workout. A lot of women don't like cut guys. It doesn't help your 'attractiveness level' in their eyes.

That's nonsense. Wearing nice clothing is not going to hurt your chances unless your outfit is inappropriately extravagant for the occasion or you have a weird style. Likewise, being cut is not ogin to hurt your chances unless you are over-muscled.

 

Women who say those things are turn-offs do it as a sort of defense mechanism...they are insecure and think they are not attractive enough to appeal to a good looking, well dressed, athletic guy, so they pretend that such guys don't appeal to them in the first place. Same thing with guys who claim that they actually prefer women with "meat on their bones" (which is a euphemism for fat/ugly chicks). These guys don't think they can attract a hot, slim woman, so they pretend that the fatties they end up with were their first choice anyway.

[oaks]

Well if you take out the long one from when I was young... that's 10 months in the last 6 years. That's not so good!

 

Ok, good point well made.

 

Still, at least you're getting dates. That's a lot more promising than what seems to be happening to some posters here.

 

How are you getting these dates, and what screening are you doing to try to weed out the unsuitable ones sooner? If you're still getting dates then you shouldn't be giving up - clearly there's a chance that you'll find someone you want to have a relationship with!

[ThaWholigan]

That's nonsense. Wearing nice clothing is not going to hurt your chances unless your outfit is inappropriately extravagant for the occasion or you have a weird style. Likewise, being cut is not ogin to hurt your chances unless you are over-muscled.

 

Women who say those things are turn-offs do it as a sort of defense mechanism...they are insecure and think they are not attractive enough to appeal to a good looking, well dressed, athletic guy, so they pretend that such guys don't appeal to them in the first place. Same thing with guys who claim that they actually prefer women with "meat on their bones" (which is a euphemism for fat/ugly chicks). These guys don't think they can attract a hot, slim woman, so they pretend that the fatties they end up with were their first choice anyway.

 

Agree with this. Although I will say, I've met some pretty hot girls who were kinda "thick" (not like obese fat, but chubby). But I agree with your post mostly.

[ditzchic]

Ok, good point well made.

 

Still, at least you're getting dates. That's a lot more promising than what seems to be happening to some posters here.

 

How are you getting these dates, and what screening are you doing to try to weed out the unsuitable ones sooner? If you're still getting dates then you shouldn't be giving up - clearly there's a chance that you'll find someone you want to have a relationship with!

 

Well I have a busy social life so I meet most guys at either bars or parties. Give em my number, text a bit and that'll usually lead to a date. I've also met a couple from the online sites.

 

I really don't have a laundry list to screen out guys. I have to be attracted to you, you should be educated beyond high school, make me laugh, the conversation has to have a good flow through text, some basic common interests and if they genuinely seem interested and not creepy, I will give a date a go.

[yeahyeahyeah]

I'll echo some of the above sentiments, about maybe you should give it a chance beyond date one. Just to use your one example, the guy that you had great chemistry with, was terribly incompatible. So, it stands to reason, that great "chemistry" is not a great predictor after all. Now, I'm not saying that you should date a slob with no education just to give it a chance. Then again, I don't have all the details.

 

Also, you did mention (I think you did, at least) that you don't have the same passion or drive in finding/developing relationships that you have with other aspects of your life. Well, it seems that you are person with high standards in all areas of your life (career, interests, friends). In order to attain the high standards in those areas of your life, you admittedly had to work your ass off to get there. So, you have high standards in dating as well. But you don't work your ass off in that regard? Maybe an explanation. I'll just say this, if I didn't work my ass off at dating, I wouldn't get dates at all. Not even crappy ones.