Can I win him back after I made him think I could be Nutty!??

[njruns]

ok, so for the past 6 weeks, I have been having an email/chat relationship with someone overseas in Afghanistan whom I met online. The emails got more and more serious and amazing and we seemed to really hit it off (on the same page, lots in common) FOr the first few weeks, we would send about 20 emails per day back and forth and pretty much decided we'd be a great match when he comes back home to the states in February, that we would date. He told me all sorts of awesome things and I felt so smitten and the happiest I have been in so long with this man. I think our feelings were mutual. We talked about everything and anything.

 

Last week, I screwed up big time and I've been beating myself up over it badly and very depressed. I was drunk and when he logged on to the chat at night, I said "Well, I have been emailing you all day" (since he had not replied at all that day) and I came off as too pushy and annoyed him. I'd like to say there were several times he has said to me "Why haven't I heard from ya :(" but soon as I say it, he gets freaked. Anyway, He asked why I had an attitude and I got very defensive, thinking he was really mad at me (like me ex used to get enraged with me over anything) and went off the deep end with my emotions . Repeating myself "why are you mad at me? I've been so nice to you!" And when he said he had to sign off, I pestered him more abaout "why are you mad? Why? Please! Dont be mad! Why" when actually he was not mad and i assumed he was and made it worse! Then he started saying I was acting "crazy" "Lunatic" and that I should talk to him the next day when I'm sane etc.I acted insecure and assumed he was gonna end things over one incident.

 

I've taken full responsibility for my irrational actions and apologized left and right. It took him a few days to reply but he did reply with a decent email but didn't say if he accepted my apology, but by him emailing and asking about my week etc, I assumed he wanted to continue still. I wrote back and did not mention anythign about the fight and tried to be low key and still flirty etc.

 

Thing is, I spooked this guy and now he is wondering if I'm a coo coo in real life. He's really backed off and well, maybe he is busy over there suddenly or has no email access but that seems like too much of a coincidence.

 

My question is... Can a guy get spooked, back off, and then come back again at some point to the way things were? Or am I just screwed now and he has his mind made up over one silly incident of my overreacting? When guys are unsure, do they step back temporarily or is that a sign he is done and just fizzing me out slowly? Last he emailed was last night but like I said, normally it had been a few times per day and today, no contact at all. What can i do to make ammends? UGh so mad at myself!!!!!!!!!!!

[Seneca]

As a guy if I got freaked out, I probably would ignore you...

 

Since he is contacting you still, that's a good sign that he still wants to give it a try. He's just taking it slow for now.

 

So don't worry about it. It's the past, forgive yourself and let it go.

 

What can i do to make ammends?

 

Just continue emailing him. But don't question him when he doesn't reply to your emails. Just assume that he has things that he is busy with.

 

You don't have to send emails that keep asking him about what he is doing. You can send what I call fun mail. Funny things you find online.

 

Also pictures are nice, too.

[cerridwen]

It's hard to say what he's thinking.

That he hasn't fallen back into the usual pattern of emailing suggests he's a bit put off at the minimum.

Leave him be.

You apologized.

If he chooses to move on, there's nothing you can do at this point.

 

Do you plan to address the issues that led to this incident, by the way?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Just explain to him that you were drunk and that's why you acted so crazy and you are sorry and know that wasn't appropriate or true.

 

And tell him you respect his time and space, then just be patient and let him come back to you again. You can't just put the pressure on all the time, you have to let it be equal.

[LittleTiger]

I was drunk and when he logged on to the chat at night, I said "Well, I have been emailing you all day" (since he had not replied at all that day) and I came off as too pushy and annoyed him. I'd like to say there were several times he has said to me "Why haven't I heard from ya :(" but soon as I say it, he gets freaked. Anyway, He asked why I had an attitude and I got very defensive, thinking he was really mad at me.......

 

I have a different take on this situation than anyone else I think. I've bolded the part of your post that stood out for me.

 

Why is it ok for him to question you when he doesn't hear from you, but it's not ok for you to question him? I wouldn't be at all surprised if you read the situation correctly and he was mad at you - he sounds like he wants to be in control of everything.

 

That said, your reaction was a little OTT, probably because your ex was abusive and you have co-dependency issues. Over-apologising to a controlling man is never a good idea and it's my guess that he's now enjoying the current situation where he's deliberately left you hanging and wondering if you've blown it.

 

If I were you I'd forget about him and do some work on sorting yourself out so that, in future, you are more in control of the situation when some guy starts acting like he has the right to call all the shots.

[Seneca]

Why is it ok for him to question you when he doesn't hear from you, but it's not ok for you to question him? I wouldn't be at all surprised if you read the situation correctly and he was mad at you - he sounds like he wants to be in control of everything.

 

You have an interesting point of view. It is possible that he may just be a control freak.

 

But I don't see a clear picture of him being controlling. Yes, he may have asked her by email:

 

"Why haven't I heard from ya :("

 

But looking at this form of context - this seems to come from more of a state of neediness, not from a controlling state.

 

I think if he were to be a controlling type of person, his email would be a little more aggressive.

 

Now we can only glimpse the surface of the story. But from what njruns states... She came off "too pushy". So it wasn't that he didn't like her asking him, rather it was how she communicated it. Fuel that with alcohol and you've got a pretty eventful night.

[insertnamehere]

I say go for it. As a man, the first clue a woman is nutty is when we notice she's female.

 

So, no amount of erratic behavior will ever throw him off. Trust me, I know a guy who married a woman after she drove an SUV into his house. There's just no such thing as too crazy to date.

[Nexus One]

Honest answer? Yes it can do damage. However, he has been communicating with you for 6 weeks and one bump in the road isn't going to turn him off immediately. When the negative behavior on your side becomes consistent though, then that might tip the scale in your disfavor.

 

Look, there are many variables that determine how well a man and woman hit it off. One of the strongest metrics in my opinion is how well you understand each other and how honest you are to each other, as those things can help to grow a strong bond. Also the depth of the conversations you have with each other tends to be a good metric.

 

So my evaluation is that if the depth of your conversations has been superficial, yet you guys felt physically attracted to each other, then we're talking about a superficial connection here that perhaps isn't that strong, certainly not in the long term.

 

If you guys had in-depth conversations and the understanding from both sides was remarkable, then there's a good chance he will not let a bump in the road change anything.

 

It also depends on how he sees you. If he sees you as a decent woman, then that's good, but you getting drunk can give off the vibe that you're some flaky party girl. Beyond a certain age guys simply don't care for those type of women anymore, at least not in terms of a relationship.

 

It also depends on his personality. Guys that tend to be of the "no bullsh*t please" type, will turn off more quickly than guys that have a tolerance for certain immature behavior.

 

So there are more variables at play here. How to fix things? Communicate well with him. Explain things, explain WHY you said or did certain things. That's the key right there.

 

I'm a pretty tolerant guy, but I also tend to turn off on bullsh*t behavior. So to turn me off a woman would need to display negative behavior, while at the same time NOT explaining WHY she did it or said it. If she doesn't explain herself, then she does give off a nutty vibe and then I tend to think "I don't need this sh*t, I want to be happy" and I move on.

 

I have a strong desire for an SO, but it's not so strong that I would stick my d*ck in crazy, as my mental wellbeing is more important to me.

Edited December 6, 2011 by Nexus One

[FitChick]

Did everyone miss the bit about him being in AFGHANISTAN? He could be killed at any time. Cut the guy some slack. He is looking for a fun diversion from his miserable life and something to make him want to come back home in one piece.

[njruns]

Thanks for all the replies. I don't think the one bump in the road/me being nutty and drunk really affecting him too too much Thankfully, he has been sounding normal again in his email replies. The emails are not as frequent, but I attribute that to him being in Afghan. and there is a ton of crap going on there lately! Funny, but when we first started talking he said jokingly, "i'm just waiting to see your crazy side bc all women are crazy!" I have heard other men say this, as well. I guess everyone gets a little nutty once in a while.