saliv1215 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I've been talking to this girl long distance for over 6 months and I finally moved up north and am now closer to her. We met and we've hung out a lot of times. She has a lot of problems and issues in her life and I've been helping her to deal with those. She shares a deep emotional bond/connection with me but in person she shuns physical affection. She claims that its awkward and she wants her space. I'm pretty attached to her (and so is she) and I've been really patient but now I've come to the point where I've bought up the topic on why she shuns affection and she has no answer. She says she can't explain it but hopes that the more we hang out, it should happen naturally. I've waited a long time and seem to be getting no where. Is it worth waiting some more? Is it possible that a woman who is so emotionally attached to you is scared of getting physically intimate? Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 She sounds like someone who may suffer from a serious psychological issue or several...therefore depending on the source of that it may be reflective on why she is not affectionate with you....it could be from her physical abuse from a past relationship or what not. That's just my stab at it since there's not a lot of information..but the bottom line is she probably uses you more for emotional support than someone of sexual and physical intimacy, that might be a little too much for her. She might just need someone who tends to her needs and helps her vent out her issues. That's good for her but bad for you if this is the situation you are in because her needs are the focus of the relationship, not equal. I would advise you however not to react and start becoming demanding, you kinda dug yourself in your own hole. You should try and speak with her about these sensitive topics and tell her that if there's anything you can do to gain her trust and get closer to her you're willing to put in the effort and that a physical relationship can wait but you need her to be honest with you upfront and tell you right away if that isn't a possibility but you can still be friends (you don't want to scare her away from losing you and making a promise she can't really keep or intends to fulfill) It looks like you fell into this because of maybe some of your own issues, maybe you're a lonely guy or related to her on a lot of levels and felt like you could help this girl. But be wise and realize that you cannot help, change, or save all people, people need to help themselves in the end, so don't just stick around because you think she'll jump off a bridge...trust me she survived without you she can do it again. It's about your needs and honestly man, I'd start thinking about yourself a little more...is this really the kind of girl and relationship you are looking for? let the insane people with issues date each other, it's usually best because they'll just drive a normal person crazy along with them..their issues are bigger than themselves. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 It's difficult when you build up emotion attraction before physical attraction. IMO, it's kinda difficult to do it in that order, you have to hit it with the combo of both. There are ways to make yourself physically attractive without relying on looks (body language, movement, muscles, touch, eye contact etc). If you can combine this plus the emotional attachment that is obviously there between the two of you, and maybe inject a little playful energy in the relationship, things should work out fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Maybe she's just not sexually attracted to you. It's possible to have a deep emotional connection with someone but not be physically attracted to them. Sounds like a best friend relationship, not a romantic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saliv1215 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 Thanks for the responses guys! Well I'm not sure if its a best friend relationship because she is super needy and talks to me a lot on the phone. I have spent countless hours on the phone with her. When I bought the topic of me weaning off, she did get scared and tried to offer suggestions on how she thinks stuff might work. She said that this was different for her because she's never dated someone before knowing them this well. Her biggest reason (or so she claims) is that I'm currently looking for a job and she doesn't know where the job will take me so she is afraid to get into something. But on the other hand, she does seem to be building these walls around her and talks about 'wanting her 'space' ' As Ninjainpajamas suggested, she does indeed have a lot of psychological problems and I've grown to a position where its hard for me to imagine not talking to her. Its crazy, its like I'm being drawn to her despite getting nothing out of it. I guess my situation is that I moved to a new place and I am lonely so I feel needy. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Saliv...if a girl is really into you, rational thoughts never get in the way of making a decision to be with you...that's why women are great and at the same time make so many mistakes with men they shouldn't have. A woman cannot control her emotions if they feel something, they just can't, if they want to be with you they will...they cannot avoid the curiosity or temptation. I really think it's in your best interest to...spread your seed elsewhere, this one isn't going to be there for you. Link to post Share on other sites
soulm8 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I've been talking to this girl long distance for over 6 months and I finally moved up north and am now closer to her. We met and we've hung out a lot of times. How long has it been since the distance wasn't an issue? How much is "a lot of times"? Is it possible she needs to warm up to you in person before taking things to the next level? Link to post Share on other sites
jobaba Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 (edited) I've been talking to this girl long distance for over 6 months and I finally moved up north and am now closer to her. We met and we've hung out a lot of times. She has a lot of problems and issues in her life and I've been helping her to deal with those. She shares a deep emotional bond/connection with me but in person she shuns physical affection. She claims that its awkward and she wants her space. I'm pretty attached to her (and so is she) and I've been really patient but now I've come to the point where I've bought up the topic on why she shuns affection and she has no answer. She says she can't explain it but hopes that the more we hang out, it should happen naturally. I've waited a long time and seem to be getting no where. Is it worth waiting some more? Is it possible that a woman who is so emotionally attached to you is scared of getting physically intimate? OK. I'm going to need to be a little vulgar here to prove my point. And I understand if this post is subsequently deleted. On physical attraction: I have met lots of beautiful, hot, sexy women. I have been to lots of strips clubs in NYC, LA, and SF. Full nude. Rare is the time I ever get an erection in the presence of these women. That is physical attraction. On emotional attraction: On the rare occasions that I have found myself emotionally attracted to a woman, I sometimes get an erection just thinking about them or looking at just faceshots of them. And they appear to me as the most beautiful woman in the world. I have showed my friends pics of such a woman, and the responses were, "OK", "not bad", and "kind of a butterface". So, emotional attraction is MUCH stronger... Or maybe I'm just a major perv... Edited December 6, 2011 by jobaba Link to post Share on other sites
Author saliv1215 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 How long has it been since the distance wasn't an issue? How much is "a lot of times"? Is it possible she needs to warm up to you in person before taking things to the next level? Its been about a month. And as for the hanging out its been about 9-10 times I think. They haven't been proper dates. We seem to catch dinner together after work. She's a fellow at a hospital and her hours can get crazy. I guess maybe she does need to warmup and I have behaved like a gentleman and not tried to force things. But now I get the feeling the times that I have tried to embrace her or do anything, it has made her uncomfortable Link to post Share on other sites
Author saliv1215 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 On emotional attraction: On the rare occasions that I have found myself emotionally attracted to a woman, I sometimes get an erection just thinking about them or looking at just faceshots of them. And they appear to me as the most beautiful woman in the world. I have showed my friends pics of such a woman, and the responses were, "OK", "not bad", and "kind of a butterface". So, emotional attraction is MUCH stronger... Or maybe I'm just a major perv... You know I think I relate to your point of view. She is ok to look at, she is 39 years old (I'm 31) and yet I am drawn to her personality and everything. But how does what you said help my situation? Link to post Share on other sites
soulm8 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 She has a lot of problems and issues in her life and I've been helping her to deal with those. She shares a deep emotional bond/connection with me but in person she shuns physical affection. She claims that its awkward and she wants her space. I'm pretty attached to her (and so is she) and I've been really patient but now I've come to the point where I've bought up the topic on why she shuns affection and she has no answer. She says she can't explain it but hopes that the more we hang out, it should happen naturally. Its been about a month. And as for the hanging out its been about 9-10 times I think. They haven't been proper dates. We seem to catch dinner together after work. She's a fellow at a hospital and her hours can get crazy. I guess maybe she does need to warmup and I have behaved like a gentleman and not tried to force things. But now I get the feeling the times that I have tried to embrace her or do anything, it has made her uncomfortable. It doesn't look good I was hoping you had only hung out, in person, a few times. The "shunning" of affection is concerning. Are you sure she's not using you? How are you helping her with her "problems and issues"? Have you been in this type of situation before? I have a few male friends who mysteriously find themselves in the white knight role... What needs are being met by her? What needs of her's are you meeting? Is it somewhat balanced? Maybe a nice bottle of wine will loosen her up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author saliv1215 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 It doesn't look good I was hoping you had only hung out, in person, a few times. The "shunning" of affection is concerning. Are you sure she's not using you? How are you helping her with her "problems and issues"? Have you been in this type of situation before? I have a few male friends who mysteriously find themselves in the white knight role... What needs are being met by her? What needs of her's are you meeting? Is it somewhat balanced? Maybe a nice bottle of wine will loosen her up? Yeah I do get the feeling I am a white knight. I'm helping her by listening to her problems and issues with her life pertaining to her career. Being a shoulder to cry on. Thing is, I'm the only contact she's had in the past 5-6 months. but the shunning could stem from all these mental issues (she does suffer from anxiety disorder and depression and takes medication for both) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Sounds like an emotional tampon situation. Tell me, what has she proactively done to benefit your life in a positive way? IME, at her age, women who do this know exactly what they're doing and how to prosecute it. They're very practiced. The doctor or administrator she's angling for is dismissive of her 'needs' so you come in Link to post Share on other sites
Michael930t Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Ive walked in those shoes! I was married to a woman who wasnt affectionate and would only have sex once or so a month and she NEVER initiated it. It sucked because I am an affectionate guy! Trust me on this, find someone else! There is probably a history of sexual or physical abuse and you will deal with this trauma during your entire relationship. IMO its not worth it. Most women are very affectionate and sexual and to stick with one that isnt will make you regret it in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 (edited) Well I'm not sure if its a best friend relationship because she is super needy and talks to me a lot on the phone. I have spent countless hours on the phone with her. When I bought the topic of me weaning off, she did get scared and tried to offer suggestions on how she thinks stuff might work. She said that this was different for her because she's never dated someone before knowing them this well. Her biggest reason (or so she claims) is that I'm currently looking for a job and she doesn't know where the job will take me so she is afraid to get into something. But on the other hand, she does seem to be building these walls around her and talks about 'wanting her 'space' ' It's problematic because she is fully aware that she is not interested in you as a romantic prospect, but omits this in lieu of vague platitudes in order to keep you around. Any sort of monopolizing of time and emotions is a boyfriend/girlfriend benefits situation, rather than a legitimate platonic friendship where there are mutually acknowledged and maintained boundaries to intimacy. I'd avoid embracing a victim mentality about this situation, just be aware that she won't reciprocate your attraction and end or significantly decrease your interactions with her. Edited December 6, 2011 by O'Malley Link to post Share on other sites
Author saliv1215 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 Thanks, I get the picture. I'm being used and I need to get out. And she won't allow it. She does want me around Link to post Share on other sites
soulm8 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Of course she wants you around... but not for the reasons you're hoping. As the men have suggested, I agree with them - spending less time with her is in your best interest. To make matters worse, medications (commonly) have a side effect of lowering an individual's sex drive... What are YOU getting out of this FRIENDSHIP? Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 It's problematic because she is fully aware that she is not interested in you as a romantic prospect, but omits this in lieu of vague platitudes in order to keep you around. Any sort of monopolizing of time and emotions is a boyfriend/girlfriend benefits situation, rather than a legitimate platonic friendship where there are mutually acknowledged and maintained boundaries to intimacy. I'd avoid embracing a victim mentality about this situation, just be aware that she won't reciprocate your attraction and end or significantly decrease your interactions with her. It definitely is a friend zone situation to her. But clearly you want more. You'll have to cut her loose unless you're only interested in friendship. That's up to you. It's never a good idea to hang out with a woman as a friend only, with the expectation that she'll change her mind and want you as a bf. It rarely ever works that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saliv1215 Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 Of course she wants you around... but not for the reasons you're hoping. As the men have suggested, I agree with them - spending less time with her is in your best interest. To make matters worse, medications (commonly) have a side effect of lowering an individual's sex drive... What are YOU getting out of this FRIENDSHIP? That's what I have come to realize. Absolutely nothing. She lamented today that she's feels 'conflicted' and the thought of me not being in her life anymore upsets her. And I know its more than a friendship on her side because of her over-dependence on me Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 That's what I have come to realize. Absolutely nothing. She lamented today that she's feels 'conflicted' and the thought of me not being in her life anymore upsets her. And I know its more than a friendship on her side because of her over-dependence on me I'd say be her friend, but thats it. Set boundaries too, so that it becomes more of a friendship and less of a sexless relationship. At least until she reaches some clarity. Back off (just a little) Link to post Share on other sites
soulm8 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 She lamented today that she's feels 'conflicted' and the thought of me not being in her life anymore upsets her. And I know its more than a friendship on her side because of her over-dependence on me It doesn't sound like "more than a friendship" to me. How does a 39 year old woman on meds get "over-dependant" on a 31 year old man she's not being intimate/physical with? Based on what you've shared here, it looks like she's manipulating you to meet her needs and to hell with what you need. To soften the blow, just tell her you're going to start dating again because you're looking for someone who shares your appreciation and desire for affection. She 'may' step up (out of fear of losing you) but this doesn't sound healthy on any level. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 You said she's "needy". What do you think a relationship would be like with a "needy" person? It seems like it would be a suffocating one to me! Link to post Share on other sites
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