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Should my long term boyfriend always pay?


Nicole1590

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I know that this is a HIGHLY common and probably frequent concern/topic. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. All of my relationships before him, the men were always very generous and would take me out to dinners, lunches, movies, and pay. I would always offer to step in and take the bill now and then because I didn't want to seem greedy or feel like I was taking advantage of the situation and they would accept, but only here and there. The guy I'm with now, has thrown many complaints saying that it should never be expected for a guy to pay. Sure, in the first couple of months it's appropriate, but he feels that once a relationship has had it's go for a while, that the "burden" shouldn't always be on the guy. (SIGH) He had one serious relationship before me of 4 years, and supposedly money wasn't an issue with them. So we came up with a happy medium of trading off treating eachother and every now and then if one of us were feeling more generous, then we would take over for that place in time. I ended up trying to see an understanding and I've been going with it for a while. I still live at home, and he is on his own. So yes, he has higher bills than me, but he works full time and I do not. He gets benefits, paid holidays even, and not to mention, my mom found him this job.... I am also going to school and he is not. So... since he makes more than me.... (don't know exact numbers... but I know that he seems to be able to spend $1,600 in bills monthly comfortably....) should this be a red flag that he is just stingy? He says he wants to save money for a down payment on a house...etc (right now he is renting) but my parents are the ones who have brought all of this two my attention atleast twice, and it's very aggravating. Personally, I will tell you I make about $830 a month, (going a little low) and my monthly bills are about $300, so I do have extra left over, but I'm trying to build my savings up also, and he has a considerable amount more than I do. I'm just confused, because my parents input has screwed up my mind, and when I tell my boyfriend about this, he gets defensive and they are both completely different people. My parents feel like the guy should be paying for mostly everything, and I don't even come from wealth!!!! My boyfriend was NOT raised with a mother at ALL and just a dad who didn't seem to do much in the way of teaching the roles of a gentleman. Other things he does are nice, but he can be self-centered. Please help me......:(

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At the onset the man should pay 100% of the time.

 

In a long term relationship anyone can pay the check. However, if the guy makes much more money he should pay the check at least 90%.

 

A man that complains about paying for a date is not a real man and this is a huge red flag. By now you know there is something wrong with this guy and your parents can smell a rat a mile away.

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At the onset the man should pay 100% of the time.

 

In a long term relationship anyone can pay the check. However, if the guy makes much more money he should pay the check at least 90%.

 

A man that complains about paying for a date is not a real man and this is a huge red flag. By now you know there is something wrong with this guy and your parents can smell a rat a mile away.

I agree with all of this....if both make about the same, it should eventually get to about 50-50

 

Based on your info, I dont think it would be unreasonable to suggest you pay once a month or so

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kiss_andmakeup

My boyfriend makes 10x what I make. I still offer to pay every other time. And about every fourth time, I insist upon it. As in, he turns me down, and I say "No. Really. Please let me pay for this."

 

I don't want to feel valued by him only for my superficial qualities (i.e. looks), and I don't want him to feel that he is valued by me only for his superficial qualities (i.e. money).

 

I think it maintains an important mutual respect within the relationship. I don't spend time with him because I need him to support me or entertain me...I spend time with him because I care about him and enjoy his company.

 

In your case, it sounds as though you and your boyfriend's views are simply incompatible.

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I usually split my dating costs down the middle regardless of income. If you have cash to spare, treat your SO. If you are both trying to save, stay in. Cook together or grab cheap take out and watch tv/a movie. If you are both struggling with these costs, I think you may both be trying to live beyond your means.

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My boyfriend makes 10x what I make. I still offer to pay every other time. And about every fourth time, I insist upon it. As in, he turns me down, and I say "No. Really. Please let me pay for this."

 

I don't want to feel valued by him only for my superficial qualities (i.e. looks), and I don't want him to feel that he is valued by me only for his superficial qualities (i.e. money).

 

I think it maintains an important mutual respect within the relationship. I don't spend time with him because I need him to support me or entertain me...I spend time with him because I care about him and enjoy his company.

 

In your case, it sounds as though you and your boyfriend's views are simply incompatible.

 

You are doing quite well.

 

I would also allow her to pay if she really insists and if it makes her feel better about herself.

 

What I don't like about the BF of OP is that he seems rude and lacks empathy. I am certain he knows she is only a student with a part time job and yet demands payment despite making much more than her. Smells like a cheap jerk. On top of that he got the great job throuh her parents.:o:o

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kiss_andmakeup
You are doing quite well.

 

I would also allow her to pay if she really insists and if it makes her feel better about herself.

 

What I don't like about the BF of OP is that he seems rude and lacks empathy. I am certain he knows she is only a student with a part time job and yet demands payment despite making much more than her. Smells like a cheap jerk. On top of that he got the great job throuh her parents.:o:o

 

I agree with you Pierre. His approach to the situation is callous and unsympathetic.

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make me believe

It's definitely not fair for him to expect you to pay half of the time when you have a lot less disposable income than he does. And the fact that he's concerned about things being "fair" and "50/50" is a red flag, in my opinion. Relationships, finances, chores, etc are NEVER going to be 50/50 and I don't understand when people get hung up on the tit-for-tat stuff. I do agree with Sanman that maybe you guys should try to do some free/cheap dates more often, but I also think that your boyfriend's attitude is extremely problematic. The guy doesn't have to pay all of the time, but he shouldn't be hung up on everything being "even," particularly when he has so much more money than you do. That just screams cheap.

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You are doing quite well.

 

I would also allow her to pay if she really insists and if it makes her feel better about herself.

 

What I don't like about the BF of OP is that he seems rude and lacks empathy. I am certain he knows she is only a student with a part time job and yet demands payment despite making much more than her. Smells like a cheap jerk. On top of that he got the great job throuh her parents.:o:o

 

 

Being an early career person myself, what seems like a good job to a student is not always when you are paying living costs, school loans, car notes,etc. and trying to save money. I know that getting set up in this economy is not as easy as it seems.

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I don't think it should be expected for a guy to always pay. When you guys are first dating, and still not exclusive then I guess I could see the guy always paying. After you guys are serious and have been together for awhile there really is no reason for a girl to always expect a guy to pay.

 

I wouldn't view your boyfriend as stingy myself, but then again I agree with his viewpoint.

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Women are so obsessed with money. I wish women would just tell me their price upfront and let me know how much the salary they want each month for the time and the sex they will give me.

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Being an early career person myself, what seems like a good job to a student is not always when you are paying living costs, school loans, car notes,etc. and trying to save money. I know that getting set up in this economy is not as easy as it seems.

 

The issue is not money.

 

If the BF is concerned with money because the expenses are high he could discuss the issue in a calm manner and plan dates where there is little money involved. However, he chooses to act like a jerk with zero empathy for his GF.

 

In most cases the issue is men that somehow forgot to be a gentlemen. The issue is poor manners, selfishness, and the cheap man syndrome of splitting hairs down the middle each time. I am almost certain the guy is also anal and controlling.

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The issue is not money.

 

If the BF is concerned with money because the expenses are high he could discuss the issue in a calm manner and plan dates where there is little money involved. However, he chooses to act like a jerk with zero empathy for his GF.

 

In most cases the issue is men that somehow forgot to be a gentlemen. The issue is poor manners, selfishness, and the cheap man syndrome of splitting hairs down the middle each time. I am almost certain the guy is also anal and controlling.

The OP's boyfriend is probably a young man in his early or mid 20s. Men around that age arent yet that wise and articulate in communicating their situation and intent.

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I really can't understand why your desire to save money should be viewed as more important then your bf's. Yes, you did say he makes more then you, but he is also paying 5times as much as you in bills. I really just can't see how it is fair for you to always expect him to pay.

 

My boyfriend makes more then me. I am going to school still and he isn't. However, we still split the housebills 50/50. He does pay for more when we go out to dinner, but I never expect him to pay for it everytime. I at least try to offer to pay occasionally. I don't think I would want to be with a guy who paid for everything for me. I would feel like a spoiled little brat.

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It's definitely not fair for him to expect you to pay half of the time when you have a lot less disposable income than he does. And the fact that he's concerned about things being "fair" and "50/50" is a red flag, in my opinion. Relationships, finances, chores, etc are NEVER going to be 50/50 and I don't understand when people get hung up on the tit-for-tat stuff. I do agree with Sanman that maybe you guys should try to do some free/cheap dates more often, but I also think that your boyfriend's attitude is extremely problematic. The guy doesn't have to pay all of the time, but he shouldn't be hung up on everything being "even," particularly when he has so much more money than you do. That just screams cheap.

 

Agreed.

 

IMO what works is to find a balance of giving and taking based on each person's capability and situation, and go from there.

 

Yes, in my case the bf does pay a large part of our expenses. But it works for both of us. I wonder if the 'men' here who have flamed me for it in the past, would also think I should insist on the bf doing 50% of the housework and errands despite him working double my hours :)

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I make a lot less than my BF, though he has greater debts than me. He still has more disposable income by FAR, and I choose to live really frugally. A lot of the places we go out to, I'd never pay for myself----as in, I'd never got there and spend that kind of money. I also tend to cook more simply and eat more leftovers, whereas he will eat out every meal or cook more fancy/perishable things. So, he pays a lot more than me, because he can afford to.

 

If you're always looking for someone to support you in doing the things YOU want to do, I think it's unfair, but if both people want to do these things or the higher-earner suggests them, then I think it's fair that the higher-earner pay most of the time, especially when the income disparity is quite wide. I often offer to pay for things with my BF, if I can afford it comfortably, but he doesn't expect it or expect it to be 50/50.

 

We've discussed living together. He would want something far more expensive than I (and could afford it) and faster/more expensive internet, more expensive cable, etc, so if we did move in together (in the future), it would probably be me paying him a flat rate of what I currently pay (and am happy with) and him covering the rest. It really all depends on how the parties view money, but what's really important is being able to talk about money and see it the same way.

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I really can't understand why your desire to save money should be viewed as more important then your bf's. Yes, you did say he makes more then you, but he is also paying 5times as much as you in bills. I really just can't see how it is fair for you to always expect him to pay.

 

My boyfriend makes more then me. I am going to school still and he isn't. However, we still split the housebills 50/50. He does pay for more when we go out to dinner, but I never expect him to pay for it everytime. I at least try to offer to pay occasionally. I don't think I would want to be with a guy who paid for everything for me. I would feel like a spoiled little brat.

 

 

I definitely don't expect that every time.... I would feel the same. By always pay, I should have said more often.... I was fine with splitting things until my parents had to throw their two sense in making me feel like my boyfriend was only out for himself wanting to split everything all the time.

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So you're saying that because you are student with a part time job, you should be getting a free ride at your boyfriend's expense? Funny...I don't remember women paying for me on dates when I was a student living off a part time job and student loans. When you boyfriend was a student, I'm pretty sure he didn't have a sugar mommy either. So what makes you different? The fact that you have a vagina?

 

If money is tight, I suggest you find a way to date that does not involve spending money. It's not that hard actually.

 

 

I guess you didn't read my post thouroughly that I was fine up until my parents threw all of this is my face. I'm not some conceited brat. I'm for equality.... my parent's have just confused me since they are older and have more experience.... and it is aggravating. I'm not looking to be attacked here.

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I really can't understand why your desire to save money should be viewed as more important then your bf's. Yes, you did say he makes more then you, but he is also paying 5times as much as you in bills. I really just can't see how it is fair for you to always expect him to pay.

 

My boyfriend makes more then me. I am going to school still and he isn't. However, we still split the housebills 50/50. He does pay for more when we go out to dinner, but I never expect him to pay for it everytime. I at least try to offer to pay occasionally. I don't think I would want to be with a guy who paid for everything for me. I would feel like a spoiled little brat.

 

 

I responded to this, but apparently it didn't go through. I'm not looking for a free ride or sugar daddy.... I was fine with things until my parents had to throw their two sense in.... so therefore it has messed up my perception and I don't want to feel like what I'm doing currently with splitting is wrong... I understand everyone has different views and outlooks. I just don't know which one is right.... I never would expect for everytime either... I should have said "more often" or "most of the time" rather than ALWAYS.

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I think in my relationships, he's paid for everything for about 4 or 5 months, then we start splitting bills when we go out. Or I always at least pay the tip if he pays the bill. It's crazy to expect him to pay all the time forever, especially if you've been dating for a while and you both have jobs.

 

Doesn't matter who makes more money...offer every time and give him the chance to decline.

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Does he expect you to pay 50% of the time, or is it a bit more relaxed and he pays more than 50%, but not all the time? Are you expecting him to pay for everything, or just to pay for a little more than you do?

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your boyfriend to treat you or help you out occasionally if you can't afford things. I do however think it's wrong if you expect him to pay for virtually everything. You shouldn't be a burden for him to carry. It's supposed to be a relationship in which you share things, not a business arrangement in which he pays for the pleasure of your company.

 

When I lost my job and was broke, my boyfriend paid for more than his share - he sometimes bought two tickets and "forgot" to ask me for the money for mine, or he paid for my shopping at the supermarket as well as his own, or paid for my dinner, etc. But I still contributed as much as I could - I made him dinner at home, bought him coffee, and paid for some of our cheaper outings. Also I asked if we could do stuff like watching a movie at home because I couldn't afford the cinema and didn't think he should have to pay for me - we dialed back our spending habits so he wasn't constantly spending money on me. When I got a new job and had more money, we split things more evenly, and I treated him to a holiday to thank him for all his kindness when I had no money.

 

I hate to say this, but the OP just sounds entitled and greedy. Nobody should have to pay for you - you pay for yourself, and if you can't afford it then you don't ask or expect someone else to pay. If someone else chooses of their own free will to pay for you then you should be extremely grateful.

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Eddie Edirol
I responded to this, but apparently it didn't go through. I'm not looking for a free ride or sugar daddy.... I was fine with things until my parents had to throw their two sense in.... so therefore it has messed up my perception and I don't want to feel like what I'm doing currently with splitting is wrong... I understand everyone has different views and outlooks. I just don't know which one is right.... I never would expect for everytime either... I should have said "more often" or "most of the time" rather than ALWAYS.

 

If youre currently splitting with your bf, then youre fine. Dont listen to your parents. They are pretty much wrong, because they are going to want you to save all your money. But in the long run, its good practice to do what youre doing, which is splitting, if I read this right.

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I responded to this, but apparently it didn't go through. I'm not looking for a free ride or sugar daddy.... I was fine with things until my parents had to throw their two sense in.... so therefore it has messed up my perception and I don't want to feel like what I'm doing currently with splitting is wrong... I understand everyone has different views and outlooks. I just don't know which one is right.... I never would expect for everytime either... I should have said "more often" or "most of the time" rather than ALWAYS.

 

If you are fine with it, then ignore what your parents say about it. You are the ones dating him not your parents. My mom has tried to hint that my boyfriend should be "taking care of me" while I am in school, but I don't really see how it would be fair to him for me to expect that. I guess she just views things that way because that is how it was for her when she was growing up, but I guess alot of things have changed since then.

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You want him to pay for you a bunch on dates, and he's the one whose self centered?

 

Wouldn't he be self centered if he was making you pay for him? That to me is being self centered. Wanting a fair split of the dating bills/some repricocity (spelling!) doesn't seem self centered to me.

 

The fact he makes a lot more money does change a little bit. Something should be said though for dating because you like the other person, not because you like when he pays for your dates. The fact you kinda expect/demand him to pay for most dates changes things too... and it's more an issue your parents have, which weirds me out! lol....

 

yeah I like zengirls answer.

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