When is appropriate to say "STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX!!!"

[True2form]

Been dating this guy for 3 months, it's been going very well we're on the verge of becoming official..... However.

 

He's been broken up from a gf of 4 years for 7 months.

 

I'm a smart girl and I'm human - I do get that she was all he knew for 4 years which is longer that I've ever been in a relationship - she's bound to pop up.

 

Comments have popped up from time to time and I've let them wash over me but suddenly, one popped up that hit a new level - it was inappropriate and one step away from a direct comparison....it's the penultimate straw on the camel's back and it's started to bother me.

 

How do I approach this maturely but assertively?

[True2form]

He's a lovely guy. I know he's doing it subconsciously but that's not a good thing... I wish it wasn't bothering him so much. In a perfect world I would have met him a year after his break-up but life doesn't exactly work like that.

 

Over-sensitive is reacting to it when it's appropriate in conversation. "My friend's mother is an artist."

"Oh my ex gf's mother is an artist."

I wouldn't react to that - that's a valid comparison.

 

"Do you like my new boots?"

"Oh they're lovely... my mum would love them... She bought my ex a pair just like them."

 

OH WOW. I didn't react when he said that.... it took a couple of days to sink in. I even thought I might be over-emotional so I consulted a friend.... she cringed and she cringed HARD. I think every woman would shudder to hear that, amirite??

[Art_Critic]

When is appropriate to say "STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX!!!"

 

Any time they do it..

 

It is never appropriate for someone to bring up na ex while dating unless theyb are asked to..

 

Tell him to knock it off, that it makes him look like he isn't over her.

or Tell him that you think he should go back to her as he isn't over her yet...

[oaks]

How do I approach this maturely but assertively?

 

Next time he mentions his ex you say, "Let's not talk about her." and then leave the subject alone. If he doesn't get the hint then don't worry about doing it maturely the next time!

[HappyFlower]

My ex used to bring up his ex (although never one specifically) every so often - things like "my ex said I was a really good cook" etc. About 6 months in he suddenly went "do I talk about my exes too often?" and I said yes! And he never did it again.

 

I was never massively worried about it so I never really had a problem with it as it wasn't a comparison, but if he's making direct comparison just tell him straight that he shouldn't be doing it

 

What was much harder, was actually his mother, who brought up all of his exes at once, and it was only the 2nd time I met her! She sat me down and had this long talk about what she thought of all his exes and how I compared to them - better than, apparently, tho she really liked the first one and wanted them to get married. It was very uncomfortable, to say the least .

 

xx

Edited September 23, 2011 by HappyFlower

[make me believe]

I would say it anytime he brought her up! But I hope your eyes are open to the red flags here: they were together for four YEARS and only broken up for four MONTHS when you two started dating, he talks about her often enough to where it bothers you, AND he has made an inappropriate comparison between the two of you. Are you sure he's actually over her? Four months may not have been enough time for him to heal from their relationship/breakup. Honestly, I would be worried about being a rebound if I was you.

[Paper Roses]

My ex also used to talk about his ex non stop when we first got together. One day he did it and I told him in a blunt force manner to stop bringing up his ex or I would be his next ex. That one time was all it took. May have been the foul tempered way I did it but still, it did the trick.

 

He's probably not over that relationship, I mean 4 years is a very long time. Not to say that he's not over his ex, cause he's probably over her. I doubt it has anything to do with how he feels, he's just a big dumb, man (sorry guys) who doesn't know when to shut up!!

 

Have fun with your new guy. <3

[Cypress25]

I've dated guys who couldn't stop talking about their exes. It's annoying and inappropriate, especially when they share private details that I don't have any right to know. One of my past boyfriends told me the intimate things he did with his ex, and I finally lost it, after keeping quiet about it for months. I was like "For the love of god! I don't need to know what kind of porn your ex liked, I don't need to know that she masturbated while driving, I don't need to know that you danced together in your underwear every night, and I don't need to know that she gave you a blow job in the car! Why are you telling me this?!" He also compared me to his ex several times and when I asked him to stop, he was like "No, I'm saying you're better than her." As if it was a good thing.

 

Some guys just don't know when to shut up. And they have no idea how they sound to other people. If I were you, I would tell him now before you explode from holding it in too long. You could say something like "It really makes me uncomfortable when you talk about your ex all the time, because it makes me think you're still obsessed with her and I'm just a rebound." If you explain why it bothers you, he might understand.

[blueskyday]

Cringing...Nip that talk in the bud. It only gets worse! I let an ex talk about his break up, and his ex, thinking i was being cool. Wrong!

 

He started bringing her up in small ways all the time. The final straw came when I said something sexual to him and he related it back to her as well...I got mad, and he got mad at me. Dumb guy.

 

No woman wants to think a guy's ex is so much at the surface of his mind that he randomly gets reminded of her when things come up in conversation.

 

I love the ex boyfriend who never talked about his ex. The one time he told me about their story (a quick one!) he said that was his past and I was his future. In fact, he referred to her in past tense. Nice.

 

Tell your boyfriend you don't want to hear about her any more than he wants to hear about your ex. Ignore any comments he makes about her. Yawn and change the subject.

 

If he keeps doing it, have a serious talk with him and explain that you don't think he's over her yet because he talks about her like she's still in his mind and life.

 

I'm sure he is over her, probably just a bad habit. But he needs to stop it.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Explain to him that he needs to stop or just leave.

 

Seriously.

 

I wish I had done one or the other within my current relationship early on (granted in my case, all except one were nonreciprocating ex-flames), because it made for a lot of hell and issues to work through later on.

 

Sitting there taking it is not the way to go. Don't tolerate it if it's bothering you. It will only help to create an insecure foundation... even if your guy is just being oblivious / naive / inconsiderate and has in fact moved on in his heart.

Edited September 24, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[D-Lish]

That's so inappropriate to do. I have a younger, naive friend and I've out with her numerous times and listened to her talk about her ex bf incessantly infront of her new guy. I witnessed her do this non-stop for a year and a half with her last ex, and I told her numerous times how damaging it was to do that.

 

She recently started seeing someone new and I went out with them and she talked and talked about her ex bf in front of her new bf all night! I actually said in front of the new guy to her- "You shoudln't ever discuss your ex with a new guy"... He agreed with me (in front of her) that it bothered him.

 

It would drive me crazy if a current bf talked about his ex- that's something that would drive me away quickly.

 

Everyone is right, nip it in the bud and address it immediately.

[OliveOyl]

Well my BF and I talk about our ex's pretty freely BUT they are the parents of our kids and the marriages were several years long... they were a big part of our lives (and still are part, due to the kids); it would be impossible to never mention them.

 

Your situation is different though and in that case it's tacky of your BF to keep bringing up his ex. I will say though I have never had retroactive jealousy. Hearing about an ex doesn't bother me in fact sometimes I am curious and ask questions about them.

[Lilmisus]

If I were you, next time he brings her up, tell him "Listen, babe...I know your ex was a pretty large part of your life for a while there, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't bring her up as often, since it sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable. I know it's bound to happen every now and then, but if you could try to not bring her up as often, I'd really appreciate it."

[FitChick]

"Do you like my new boots?"

"Oh they're lovely... my mum would love them... She bought my ex a pair just like them."

 

You're overreacting. I'd have said, "Damn, I should have waited a bit and waited for your mum to buy some for me, too." Then laugh.

 

The last thing you want him to start doing is to censor himself. I listen carefully to what a man says about his exes because it reveals things about him and how he might treat me, what he likes or dislikes, etc.

 

If she dumped him you need to boost his ego. Say something like "She obviously isn't very intelligent if she let someone like you get away." He will eat it up!

Edited September 24, 2011 by FitChick

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't make a huge issue of this as in get mad at him. Just tell him you know she was an important part of his life for a long time but just be honest and tell him it really bugs you that he slips her into conversations and to please make an effort not to do that as much. Ask him how he would feel (give examples) if you talked about your ex and did some comparisions..My guess is it would bother him as well.

 

Only thing is, you say you've been together for 3 months, so that means he had 4 months or so alone before you two got together. 4 years is a long time to be a couple so in one sense I don't believe he's doing in purpose, it's just habit. Though I'm sure at times it hurts your feelings..

[carhill]

OP, ask him when and how he thinks it's appropriate to talk about ex'es. Get his perspective.

 

I was married for ten years and my exW and I, besides being married, explored the world together so I have a lot of good memories of my life which can come up, and sometimes do, in response to direct questions. Like someone mentioned, if I have to 'censor' myself, especially in response to a direct question, that person isn't long for my life. I would never seek to censor them either. My LTR's and M were with women who had been married for a number of years and all talked, to some extent or another, about their exH's; some with pure vitriol and others, like my exW, with a balanced perspective. I look for balance and also look for the dynamic of proactivity versus reactivity. Without exception, anytime I've brought up the topic of talking about ex'es, especially with the ones bitching about them, it was either EOR or the doghouse. So, I learned that women generally don't tolerate a man censoring them.

 

Example of this dynamic from my last dating experience:

 

Lady asks me if I've traveled. I answer yes. She asks where. I answer a number of countries. She asks my favorite. I answer Australia. She asks when and where I went. I answer during my marriage a couple of times, once on vacation and another time to visit some friends of my exW. I then describe some highlights of places I went and people I met and ask her about her favorite travel destination. Onward the conversation goes.

 

When my exW and I were dating, she talked far more about her exH's than I ever did about any exGF, simply because there were more topics which included that part of her past. As we progressed to becoming engaged and then married, those instances lessened as we built a 'history' together as a couple. It became 'us' instead of 'you' and 'me' with respective pasts. By the time we married, ex'es were ancient history.

 

Now, if my 'style' of sharing doesn't match up with a lady's style, that's OK. We're incompatible. No harm, no foul.

[Citizen Erased]

If he starts comparing you, then it's time to speak up. Even if it's to say how much better you are.

 

Of course, if it becomes incessant, on a far larger scale than what Carhill us describing, then of course it's appropriate.

[carhill]

Yeah, I feel comparisons are unhealthy and never have and never would consciously do that. However, it is possible that a casual conversation might be inferred as a comparison, so the ensuing discussion regarding that, if honest, would provide clues as to compatibility.

 

An example of a direct comparison would be, using my prior travel example, if my new love interest and I were taking a water ferry ride from Circular Quay and I started reminiscing about what my exW and I did on a similar trip in the past. That would be inappropriate. However, if the person asked me where I and my exW had visited, I'd share that information in a general way, for example 'we both thought the zoo was a memorable visit' or 'we found some great pubs up in the Rocks', etc. I might take her to one of those pubs, or the zoo, but my focus would be on 'us', building our own relationship history, rather than walking down memory lane with my exW.

[Citizen Erased]

Yeah, I feel comparisons are unhealthy and never have and never would consciously do that. However, it is possible that a casual conversation might be inferred as a comparison, so the ensuing discussion regarding that, if honest, would provide clues as to compatibility.

 

An example of a direct comparison would be, using my prior travel example, if my new love interest and I were taking a water ferry ride from Circular Quay and I started reminiscing about what my exW and I did on a similar trip in the past. That would be inappropriate. However, if the person asked me where I and my exW had visited, I'd share that information in a general way, for example 'we both thought the zoo was a memorable visit' or 'we found some great pubs up in the Rocks', etc. I might take her to one of those pubs, or the zoo, but my focus would be on 'us', building our own relationship history, rather than walking down memory lane with my exW.

Your approach is good, it's healthy. You were married, you had experiences together. Of course she will come up! Some people aren't so smart with what they say however.

 

I never thought I'd see someone mention the Rocks on here!