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Ex was undiagnosed autistic - should I have tried harder?


HappyFlower

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The family doctor confirmed it at a young age, but said it wasn't enough to put it on record, so to speak. He displayed a lot of the classic signs that I read about - sometimes akward, exceptionally intelligent, couldn't read emotions that well etc.

 

He was very affectionate and loving, so unique, he loved me more than I think anyone ever has. I trusted him with my life.

 

But things that I found a problem in the relationship he never saw as anything, he frequently said things were 'non-issues' to him - including things like giving his number to a random single woman (being female and single was not relevant to him), and staying very close friends with a girl he slept with a few times a few years ago (that part of their relationship was in the past so not my concern). He didn't think these things should be a problem, and got frustrated when I tried to tell him that there was an issue.

 

I tried very hard to keep his autism in mind, but he never did himself, instead saying these things just mean nothing to him. He'd tell me I was overly emotional, and that I was reading way to much into what I'd read about autism and applying the worst bits to him. The only thing he ever said was related was that he never gets angry or upset about anything.

 

I've been reading some things since the split and am wondering if I should have tried harder to understand it, or perhaps made him face it more than he was? Has anyone else had this kind of experience?

 

xx

Edited by HappyFlower
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The family doctor confirmed it at a young age, but said it wasn't enough to put it on record, so to speak. He displayed a lot of the classic signs that I read about - sometimes akward, exceptionally intelligent, couldn't read emotions that well etc.

 

He was very affectionate and loving, so unique, he loved me more than I think anyone ever has. I trusted him with my life.

 

But things that I found a problem in the relationship he never saw as anything, he frequently said things were 'non-issues' to him - including things like giving his number to a random single woman (being female and single was not relevant to him), and staying very close friends with a girl he slept with a few times a few years ago (that part of their relationship was in the past so not my concern). He didn't think these things should be a problem, and got frustrated when I tried to tell him that there was an issue.

 

I tried very hard to keep his autism in mind, but he never did himself, instead saying these things just mean nothing to him. He'd tell me I was overly emotional, and that I was reading way to much into what I'd read about autism and applying the worst bits to him. The only thing he ever said was related was that he never gets angry or upset about anything.

 

I've been reading some things since the split and am wondering if I should have tried harder to understand it, or perhaps made him face it more than he was? Has anyone else had this kind of experience?

 

xx

 

he loved the idea of you. not specifically you.

 

it's easy to not get angry or upset when the ideas in your head mean more than the real world around you. you have full control of the ideas.

 

but you should be able to see how destructive that can become if the real world doesn't cooperate.

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AHardDaysNight
he loved the idea of you. not specifically you.

 

it's easy to not get angry or upset when the ideas in your head mean more than the real world around you. you have full control of the ideas.

 

but you should be able to see how destructive that can become if the real world doesn't cooperate.

 

You obviously don't know the definition of autistic.

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You obviously don't know the definition of autistic.

 

the definition is so broad that you can apply almost anyone to it at any particular time.

 

but for the sake of argument...

 

Social interaction:

 

  • Does not make friends
  • Does not play interactive games
  • Is withdrawn
  • May not respond to eye contact or smiles, or may avoid eye contact
  • May treat others as if they are objects
  • Prefers to spend time alone, rather than with others
  • Shows a lack of empathy

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the definition is so broad that you can apply almost anyone to it at any particular time.

 

I do sort of agree with that...a good friend of mine once said that she thinks everyone is a little autistic :)

 

My ex never treated me like an object, and didn't prefer vast amounts of time alone. The only major thing was his lack of ability to take other people's emotional reactions into account (not just with me, it applied to others too). I do genuinely believe he wasn't being malicious, but just couldn't see the connection.

 

I don't think that stopped him loving me, but I do think it stopped him seeing when he was hurting me :(

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