Going with the flow and multidating

[bluenightowl]

Recently, I've been observing a lot of threads related to people multidating and feeling vulnerable, and then not knowing if they should speak up for fear of scaring away the other person.

 

I'm curious for people in this forum that actively mutlidate and date people they know are mutli-dating, possibly sleeping with others, have you ended up in fabulous long term relationships by just going with the flow of things and letting it develop. No discussion about the other people they might having sex with, no discussion about the relationship at all. Also how long did you multidate for before moving from many to one person.

 

My assumption is that unless its a FWB situation you are after, it would be difficult to establish trust that could cause problems in the future and you have a very good chance of hurting people along the way.

[FitChick]

You should multidate but not sleep with anyone until you and the person decide you will be exclusive. That's how it was done "in the old days" and people seemed less angst ridden and neurotic than they are today.

[Pierre]

You should multidate but not sleep with anyone until you and the person decide you will be exclusive. That's how it was done "in the old days" and people seemed less angst ridden and neurotic than they are today.

 

 

How about dating someone that is making out with several people?

[oaks]

I'm curious for people in this forum that actively mutlidate and date people they know are mutli-dating, possibly sleeping with others, have you ended up in fabulous long term relationships by just going with the flow of things and letting it develop.

 

No, but I have ended up in exclusive monogamous relationships that started via multi-dating. The fact that they didn't become LTRs has nothing to do with my dating style involving multi-dating in the early stages.

 

For what it's worth, I assume that anyone I'm dating (whether I'm multi-dating or not) might be sleeping with or dating others at the outset. It would be monumentally stupid of me to expect them to be exclusive after the first date! Yes, I really did say stupid.

 

No discussion about the other people they might having sex with, no discussion about the relationship at all.

 

I may be having a comprehension failure. What's the question?

 

Also how long did you multidate for before moving from many to one person.

 

Not more than about 4 dates with any one person. I have a 'rule' that it won't be more than 5 but it's never got that far before I was able to focus on just one person.

 

My assumption is that unless its a FWB situation you are after, it would be difficult to establish trust that could cause problems in the future and you have a very good chance of hurting people along the way.

 

I don't assume that, but it may be true for you or other people.

[bluenightowl]

I may be having a comprehension failure. What's the question?

 

Its not so much a question, just a statement. I meant no discussion as in no discussion about being exclusive, BF/GF, dating others etc. just hanging out and enjoying each other whether they also @#!#ing 5 other people at the same time or not.

[zengirl]

Not more than about 4 dates with any one person. I have a 'rule' that it won't be more than 5 but it's never got that far before I was able to focus on just one person.

 

This is similar to how I multidate, and it was never like a new guy every night, and never more than a quick peck---not a lot of physicality before I decide to "focus" on a guy. To me, multidating is appropriate for the "getting to know you" stage but not beyond that. With the guys I've wound up in relationships in, I focused in pretty quickly (within 2 dates).

[Star Gazer]

Way too many people (mostly men) assume that "multidating" = "sleeping with multiple people."

 

As far as I (and all my girlfriends) am concerned, that is absolutely NOT the case. Sex does not happen until there's an exclusive relationship.

[zengirl]

Way too many people (mostly men) assume that "multidating" = "sleeping with multiple people."

 

As far as I (and all my girlfriends) am concerned, that is absolutely NOT the case. Sex does not happen until there's an exclusive relationship.

 

Yeah, it's the same guys who think men won't wait awhile for sex (they totally will) and will drop a gal instead because she's playing games if she wants to wait and THEN complain about how all the women they meet are lacking in quality. I find it amusing because they've set themselves up to fail.

[somethingsimple]

Yeah, I tend to multidate. I tell them if they ask or if it comes up. I usually go with, I'm seeing other people. I don't really provide any other details than that cause it none of their business.

 

I don't have sex or at least don't plan to. If it happens, then it happens. I know, I might hurt some people and I do care. However, I try my best not to and with dating its unavoidable most of the time.

[sm1tten]

When I multidate, it's usually just two or three guys and they start dropping off pretty fast. Three guys make it to date one, but usually all three don't make it to date two. I've never gone more than I think three dates before settling on one person. Sex is pretty much not on the table until that point.

[oaks]

Way too many people (mostly men) assume that "multidating" = "sleeping with multiple people."

 

It's certainly an assumption that gets repeated in this forum in nearly every thread about multidating and even some of my friends assume that I must be getting lots of sex. It's false for me - I don't have sex outside of exclusive relationships.

[bluenightowl]

Way too many people (mostly men) assume that "multidating" = "sleeping with multiple people."

 

As far as I (and all my girlfriends) am concerned, that is absolutely NOT the case. Sex does not happen until there's an exclusive relationship.

 

Yes, well I have first hand experience to tell you that is not always true. There are woman out there who will have sex early, not exclusive, and continue to date other people.

 

Why?

 

Some women, like some men, want to meet a few people to help them decide, but sometimes they have sex too.. in a one things leads to another kind of way.

 

They might regret it because it means they now have to deal with having sex before they were sure about the person and this is a problem for them and now the other person looking for a relationship because suddenly they are having sex with one date, dating another, and the guy whom they had sex with might now have feelings for her. = a mess - but I think it happens all the time.

 

 

 

The common line I seem see though is well, I had sex with him, so if I have sex with another guy, I'll go exclusive so not to appear

[ThsAmericanLife]

Glad you started this thread... because semantics can get in the way of a lot of fruitful discussions.

 

I'm not necessarily opposed to a man 'multi-dating', within reason, even though I don't do it. When I mean 'multi-dating', is pursuing non-sexual outings with women they are considering a romantic relationship with.

 

As for me... I honestly don't have the time, brain space, or interest to juggle multiple men. Plus, I can't say I have a problem with being decisive... 3 maybe 4 dates is about all it takes.... so those are critical dates for me.

 

What bothers me are the men who lie about it, or expect me to grill them about their whereabouts... It is really simple... If I initiate an outing or call you sometime, don't lie and tell me you are at your Mom's, working, or spending time with the kiddos. Even worse, are the ones who 'preempt' the phone call with some BS story...

 

The real PUA work quick to get you on a schedule. THEIR schedule. It is so ridiculously obvious, it isn't even funny.

 

I'm using those 3-4 dates to flesh out if someone can be honest when the stakes are low, for godsakes... More than one man has blown it with me this way. I'd rather be 'alone' with no 'options' than with a liar.

 

More than one man has also blown it with me by continuing to make it past date 2 or 3 (which is about when I will tell them my own dating style, relationship goals) and pretend to be looking for the same just to get me in bed.

 

This is why I usually need more than a month or so... it takes that long to see a pattern. Whether that is 3-4 dates, or 10 during that period. It takes at least this long to believe the man is really exclusive when he says he is...

 

If he's sleeping with multiple women simultaneously, or has a FWB, our values are not in line and he is not considered for a romantic relationship.

 

To me, a man's value is not elevated by the number of women he is dating simultaneously or how many so-called options he has.

 

A man's value is elevated by how self-aware he is and how he demonstrates that he knows what he is looking for.... Honestly... by the time you get a certain age, you really don't need to sleep with someone before knowing you will be reasonably compatible in bed.

 

Believe it or not.

[Pierre]

It's certainly an assumption that gets repeated in this forum in nearly every thread about multidating and even some of my friends assume that I must be getting lots of sex. It's false for me - I don't have sex outside of exclusive relationships.

 

 

I don't think multi-dating is a good idea even if there is no sex involved.

 

I would not volunteer to be one among many. I have no desire to compete with other men. If a woman tells me she is multi-dating I move her to the FZ and immediately remove myself from her dating pool.

 

The thing is that the attention of the person doing multi-dating is spread over several people and I don't think that is the correct way to go about it.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Yes, well I have first hand experience to tell you that is not always true. There are woman out there who will have sex early, not exclusive, and continue to date other people.

 

Why?

 

Some women, like some men, want to meet a few people to help them decide, but sometimes they have sex too.. in a one things leads to another kind of way.

 

They might regret it because it means they now have to deal with having sex before they were sure about the person and this is a problem for them and now the other person looking for a relationship because suddenly they are having sex with one date, dating another, and the guy whom they had sex with might now have feelings for her. = a mess - but I think it happens all the time.

 

 

 

The common line I seem see though is well, I had sex with him, so if I have sex with another guy, I'll go exclusive so not to appear

 

Yep. Both men and women do it. Claim to be exclusive when they are not... and use those critical few, fragile weeks of a budding relationship to tidy up some messiness.

 

Jeez-Louis... don't people have anything better to do with their time than to deal with this kind of drama??? Just don't put yourself in a situation where you will end up in the sack. No over-niters, no 'dinner' at his/her place. blah-blah. Save that for the 'we're exclusive and I really like you' celebration!!

 

Its not that tough.

[oaks]

Jeez-Louis... don't people have anything better to do with their time than to deal with this kind of drama??? Just don't put yourself in a situation where you will end up in the sack. No over-niters, no 'dinner' at his/her place. blah-blah. Save that for the 'we're exclusive and I really like you' celebration!!

 

Its not that tough.

 

Agreed. Although I'll add that staying over doesn't have to involve sex, either.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I don't think multi-dating is a good idea even if there is no sex involved.

 

I would not volunteer to be one among many. I have no desire to compete with other men. If a woman tells me she is multi-dating I move her to the FZ and immediately remove myself from her dating pool.

 

The thing is that the attention of the person doing multi-dating is spread over several people and I don't think that is the correct way to go about it.

 

 

Thank god.. and of course, I agree.

 

Nothing kills a budding and possibly promising relationship faster than poor memory of details, continual lack of attention, and inability to be even a little spontaneous because one's calendar is so crammed packed with reasons to fib.

 

I'm not opposed to the men I see doing a little multi-dating, but to be honest, there isn't one yet who has made it past my filters to a relationship because of the trust issue. So, whether I FZ him because he's multi-dating, or I FZ him because of the fibs... the end result seems to be the same. One could argue if it is a chicken/egg argument.

 

Do people who like drama and lie easily get drawn to multi-dating?? and they are drawn to multi-dating because they are too afraid to lose an 'option' because they are drama kings/queens and lie easily. Hmmm.

[somedude81]

I don't multidate because I simply can't get that many girls interested in me at a time. Basically it's a miracle if I can even get a date.

 

I don't like girls who multidate because while she might be the only girl I've dated in three months, she might have been on dates with 5 different guys that month.

 

That's not being fair to me or any of the men she's gone out with. If somebody doesn't wow her on the first date, she'll drop him and find somebody who will.

[bluenightowl]

Yep. Both men and women do it. Claim to be exclusive when they are not... and use those critical few, fragile weeks of a budding relationship to tidy up some messiness.

 

Jeez-Louis... don't people have anything better to do with their time than to deal with this kind of drama??? Just don't put yourself in a situation where you will end up in the sack. No over-niters, no 'dinner' at his/her place. blah-blah. Save that for the 'we're exclusive and I really like you' celebration!!

 

Its not that tough.

 

Sadly, I learned the hard way, but I agree. I guess its an evolution from listening to the opportunity for instant sex with a beautiful person, to the even more slow burn world of a wonderful relationship. Is that what they call maturity?

[ThsAmericanLife]

Agreed. Although I'll add that staying over doesn't have to involve sex, either.

 

Of course, but if they are seeing me, and staying over at someone else's house they have romantic intentions with, they'd better have sex... because I'm going to assume they are.

 

Hotels aren't expensive...

 

My legitimate male friends would never think of sleeping over at my place if I were dating anyone. When I'm not dating anyone? Sure. We have one beer too many... the couch is yours buddy.

 

[bluenightowl]

Glad you started this thread... because semantics can get in the way of a lot of fruitful discussions.

 

I'm not necessarily opposed to a man 'multi-dating', within reason, even though I don't do it. When I mean 'multi-dating', is pursuing non-sexual outings with women they are considering a romantic relationship with.

 

As for me... I honestly don't have the time, brain space, or interest to juggle multiple men. Plus, I can't say I have a problem with being decisive... 3 maybe 4 dates is about all it takes.... so those are critical dates for me.

 

What bothers me are the men who lie about it, or expect me to grill them about their whereabouts... It is really simple... If I initiate an outing or call you sometime, don't lie and tell me you are at your Mom's, working, or spending time with the kiddos. Even worse, are the ones who 'preempt' the phone call with some BS story...

 

The real PUA work quick to get you on a schedule. THEIR schedule. It is so ridiculously obvious, it isn't even funny.

 

I'm using those 3-4 dates to flesh out if someone can be honest when the stakes are low, for godsakes... More than one man has blown it with me this way. I'd rather be 'alone' with no 'options' than with a liar.

 

More than one man has also blown it with me by continuing to make it past date 2 or 3 (which is about when I will tell them my own dating style, relationship goals) and pretend to be looking for the same just to get me in bed.

 

This is why I usually need more than a month or so... it takes that long to see a pattern. Whether that is 3-4 dates, or 10 during that period. It takes at least this long to believe the man is really exclusive when he says he is...

 

If he's sleeping with multiple women simultaneously, or has a FWB, our values are not in line and he is not considered for a romantic relationship.

 

To me, a man's value is not elevated by the number of women he is dating simultaneously or how many so-called options he has.

 

A man's value is elevated by how self-aware he is and how he demonstrates that he knows what he is looking for.... Honestly... by the time you get a certain age, you really don't need to sleep with someone before knowing you will be reasonably compatible in bed.

 

Believe it or not.

 

I like what you are saying, but everything you say applies to woman as well. Don't think women don't play such games as well. Its not just the PUA men and woman have their own set of tricks.

[oaks]

I don't multidate because I simply can't get that many girls interested in me at a time.

 

Well that keeps it nice and simple!

[ThsAmericanLife]

Sadly, I learned the hard way, but I agree. I guess its an evolution from listening to the opportunity for instant sex with a beautiful person, to the even more slow burn world of a wonderful relationship. Is that what they call maturity?

 

I have too. I didn't come to my decisions and style because of early moral training. Just the opposite in fact.

 

My parents were always very open and non-judgemental. Kind of like 'Meet the F0kers'. Ever seen that movie?

 

So yea, I was quite experimental in my much younger years... almost 60's-like in my approach to 'free-love'. Is anyone shocked???! Probably not

 

I learned that it isn't so "free", and people get hurt. And even worse, it is boring and time-wasting... and these days, potentially life-threatening.

 

with wisdom, comes responsibility... as they say.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I like what you are saying, but everything you say applies to woman as well. Don't think women don't play such games as well. Its not just the PUA men and woman have their own set of tricks.

 

 

Yes, both men and women are guilty of playing with other people's emotions in order to meet their selfish needs. Absolutely.

[bluenightowl]

I have too. I didn't come to my decisions and style because of early moral training. Just the opposite in fact.

 

My parents were always very open and non-judgemental. Kind of like 'Meet the F0kers'. Ever seen that movie?

 

So yea, I was quite experimental in my much younger years... almost 60's-like in my approach to 'free-love'. Is anyone shocked???! Probably not

 

I learned that it isn't so "free", and people get hurt. And even worse, it is boring and time-wasting... and these days, potentially life-threatening.

 

with wisdom, comes responsibility... as they say.

 

In my case and when younger, when the opportunities to have sex with beautiful women who wanted sex, I didn't hesitate, and as a guy to say no to such an opportunity is a very hard thing to do.

 

But its very different from looking for a loving long term relationship in my opinion. So it really depends what stage of life you are in. I see people just out of LTR's and they don't want another LTR They go from the nice girl to the player to validate themselves.

 

But if you truly want a LTR, I think you need to take your time, and go for the slow burn of getting to know someone. No one is perfect though, and maybe you do have sex on the 4th date without talking about it, but then talk about it.

Better late than never IMHO.

 

Someone in this forum once said, if you really want a LTR, its not that hard for a man to find it. There are so many woman out there looking for a good man, who will respect them.