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Back burner girl?


NicoleM

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I have been seeing this guy and it's been 2 weeks since we have seen him and we text here and there but when I ask to go out he says in due time in due time. Am I a back burner girl??

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Butterflying

Yes you are, but only if you allow yourself to be. Don't wait for this guy. Don't even worry what his issues are. Just keep yourself available for another guy you'll find interesting enough to date later. Maybe in due time, this particular guy will ask you out. Maybe you'll still want to go out with him, maybe not. It will be his loss if you're no longer interested.

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I thought so but wasn't sure. He clearly has issues:o One minute he is showering me with texts saying how much he wishes he could see me and the next I say hey wanna hang out?? He says in due time in due time. I haven't spoken to him since Monday and I decided to be kind and said I heard a song that made me think of you and I hope you are okay and he said:-) no thanks no I am doing great no thanks for thinking of me just a smile. I am over his issues! I hate being a back burner girl and next time he says I wish I could see you I will say ya I will believe it when I see it or just flat out ignore him.

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I think Butterflying's point was that you're only the back burner girl if you allow yourself to be.

 

This guy may be cute, but is dating him satisfying? Clearly not. Stick him on the back burner yourself and start looking for other men you could date.

 

Decide how you want to be treated and stick to it.

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I have been seeing this guy and it's been 2 weeks since we have seen him and we text here and there but when I ask to go out he says in due time in due time. Am I a back burner girl??

 

I hate to say this, but you are not a back burner girl. If you were that he would sound more enthusiastic. He sounds like someone that is not planning to date you.

 

It is possible he is dating someone right now and he is unable to multitask. That may explain the in due time comment.

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:sick: Why blow up my phone with texts saying I wish I could see you and I miss you so much! I do not even text him he does telling me how much he misses me and how much he wishes he could see me and then I say I wish we could hang out again and he says in due time in due time just relax.
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:sick: Why blow up my phone with texts saying I wish I could see you and I miss you so much! I do not even text him he does telling me how much he misses me and how much he wishes he could see me and then I say I wish we could hang out again and he says in due time in due time just relax.

 

Maybe it is all a game for him. Is he in your league? Is he someone that matches with you?

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Ask him for an explanation. There are several possibilities which could be quite understandable (he has a job or school project which he has to get done, a friend or relative is very ill and he is spending all his free time with him/her....). But if he doesn't provide a reasonable explanation, I agree with the other respondents.

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You don't seem to be a back burner girl because even the back burner gets to see the guy once in a while. Sending texts is easy. You're probably not even the only one he's sending them to. If you wanna know, ask him what's up.

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He was or at least I thought so. We would hang out every weekend and laugh and drink ( not getting drunk) just enjoying wine. One day he started acting aloof and getting mad at the craziest things like you have the nerve bothering me at 10 PM don't you realize I am trying to sleep! Sorry.... Last week I said let's drink some wine together they are having a wine and cheese tasting near me and I didn't hear anything back so I didn't think much of it and thought maybe he forgot whatever so I reminded him and said are we still on? No answer so I left him alone. Texted him the next day saying sorry you didn't make the wine/cheese event I am little bummed but I'll get over it I guess. He said what's your problem? I didn't go to the wine/cheese event and you get all bummed? I said sorry I thought you enjoyed that and he said I do but I need to focus on my work right now so I'll talk to you later. I didn't hear anything for a long,long time I didn't bother him and then I start getting those messages wish I could see you and I miss you and I said I miss you as well and he said in due time in due time just relax. It's like he has totally changed.

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He was or at least I thought so. We would hang out every weekend and laugh and drink ( not getting drunk) just enjoying wine. One day he started acting aloof and getting mad at the craziest things like you have the nerve bothering me at 10 PM don't you realize I am trying to sleep! Sorry.... Last week I said let's drink some wine together they are having a wine and cheese tasting near me and I didn't hear anything back so I didn't think much of it and thought maybe he forgot whatever so I reminded him and said are we still on? No answer so I left him alone. Texted him the next day saying sorry you didn't make the wine/cheese event I am little bummed but I'll get over it I guess. He said what's your problem? I didn't go to the wine/cheese event and you get all bummed? I said sorry I thought you enjoyed that and he said I do but I need to focus on my work right now so I'll talk to you later.

 

One strike, two strikes, three strikes, he's out.

 

Honestly NicoleM, is what you just described how you want to be treated by a man?

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No I guess not but I don't get why it started out so nice and romantic and he was sweet and then he changed. It kinda bums me out a bit because I thought maybe he was decent. Fooled me I guess....

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Butterflying
:sick: Why blow up my phone with texts saying I wish I could see you and I miss you so much! I do not even text him he does telling me how much he misses me and how much he wishes he could see me...

 

Sweetheart are you kidding!! I ask myself the same question when this happens to me. You just wonder if someone "really" wants to see you, why can't they just do it instead of saying how much they want to. It's frustrating.

 

My boyfriend recently sent me a text message after having ignored me for three days while he was with someone else. Then he had the nerve to brag about the trip, telling me all the things he did while he was there. He made it sound like he had done it all alone.

 

Then I asked, "did (blank name) enjoy the trip too?" And he hesitated and said "Yeah she did," like it was no big deal. He also told me "I really wish you had been with me instead." So I thought, well why did you ignore my text messages and my calls while you were there????

 

They just do this to string you along.

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:rolleyes: I am starting to think some men ( not all) are low life scums that do not know how to treat a human being. It just makes me mad I try and be the nice guy and it blows in my face. The craziest part?? He keeps following all my friends on twitter and pretends to want to be apart of my life yet he doesn't. I guess when I think about he is crazy and doesn't know what he wants and thinks it is fun to mess with me. I will not take part in it no more! If he wants to hang out I will do on to you as you do to me. You give me attitude I will give it back and say oh I can't huge,huge project I am so ungodly busy leave me alone! Of course he is a sleezeball and it won't phase him.
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I thought so but wasn't sure. He clearly has issues:o One minute he is showering me with texts saying how much he wishes he could see me and the next I say hey wanna hang out?? He says in due time in due time. I haven't spoken to him since Monday and I decided to be kind and said I heard a song that made me think of you and I hope you are okay and he said:-) no thanks no I am doing great no thanks for thinking of me just a smile. I am over his issues! I hate being a back burner girl and next time he says I wish I could see you I will say ya I will believe it when I see it or just flat out ignore him.

 

Why are you even considering a next time with this guy?

 

Something women need to learn young is how to respect themselves.

 

Seriously Nicole, if a guy doesn't treat you well, you need to learn how to respect yourself enough to walk away from it.

 

You're letting this guy walk all over you and still wondering about the "next time"...

 

You teach people how to treat you (Dr. Phil:p)- and when you stick around for this guy, the message you are sending is that you are okay with him being a complete dick... So stick around if you want- or make a healthy decision for yourself and walk away.

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:confused: The scary part he used to respect me and treat me so kind so kind. One day it all changed like overnight. Kinda like the Dr.Jeckyl/Mr Hyde scenario. He went from kind caring to I am going to be an jerk who doesn't respect you treat you like dirt and make many empty promises. I ask myself everyday what happened?
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:confused: The scary part he used to respect me and treat me so kind so kind. One day it all changed like overnight. Kinda like the Dr.Jeckyl/Mr Hyde scenario. He went from kind caring to I am going to be an jerk who doesn't respect you treat you like dirt and make many empty promises. I ask myself everyday what happened?

 

 

Nothing "happened", he just showed you the real him. Everyone is sweet in the beginning, now you know who he really is- and if you think he's going to go back to being the respectful, kind guy- he's not....ever.

 

He may give you fleeting moments of being kind here and there to keep you on the hook - but the bottom line is he's not treating you well NOW- so why put up with it?

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;) I gotcha.... Kinda like the honeymoon period is over. He starts out sweet and caring but after that honeymoon period he shows his true colors correct?? Glad I found out now rather than later and I am in too deep.
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;) I gotcha.... Kinda like the honeymoon period is over. He starts out sweet and caring but after that honeymoon period he shows his true colors correct?? Glad I found out now rather than later and I am in too deep.

 

I get the impression you are younger?

 

I can tell you from years of dating experience that once someone shows you their true colours, it never changes. It's always a shock when someone turns out to be a douchebag and you are left wondering "wtf??? They were so sweet in the beginning"...

 

Trust me, it never gets better- and as much as you want to think you can win them over and get back "mr. first little while guy"- no chance, that guy doesn't actually exist and he never did.

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I guess I am naive and thought he was legit. Mr. Nice guy never existed he just lead me on thinking he was legit when in reality he was a toolbag. I feel so naive and dumb:o

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I guess I am naive and thought he was legit. Mr. Nice guy never existed he just lead me on thinking he was legit when in reality he was a toolbag. I feel so naive and dumb:o

 

Don't feel that way, you're not naive or dumb in any way, shape, or form.

 

Use this experience to scrutinize future dating partners. The bottom line is that if he's treating you like this now- you have the power and choice to say "no" to this treatment. That's the lesson to take from this experience- and it's a really good opportunity for you to learn something about men and dating.

 

Walking away from a guy like this can be a defining moment for you. As long as you learn from this experience and don't allow yourself to repeat the same pattern over and over for the next 10 years, you're going to be just fine.

 

I spent 3 years in a relationship with a guy from 18-21 when I was younger, just clinging to the illusion of who he was based on the first 3 months. I spent almost 3 more years wondering where that guy went accepting poor treatment and misery (not to mention emotional abuse).

 

You're not dumb (naive perhaps), but you have the foresight for future relationships now- and you don't have to be naive anymore.

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:bunny: Thanks! I feel like I had rose colored glasses on perhaps. I thought he was so genuine! He met all of my friends and followed them all on twitter ( dumb I know) and met my grandparents and parents and they fell in love with him especially my grandparents saying aww what a nice fellow! He is a keeper for sure and then I told them what he did and how rude he was being and they said I can't believe he tricked us what a weasel! My poor grandparents they actually trusted him and he was so kind to them and he does this. My grandparents mean the world to me and he just played me.
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:bunny: Thanks! I feel like I had rose colored glasses on perhaps. I thought he was so genuine! He met all of my friends and followed them all on twitter ( dumb I know) and met my grandparents and parents and they fell in love with him especially my grandparents saying aww what a nice fellow! He is a keeper for sure and then I told them what he did and how rude he was being and they said I can't believe he tricked us what a weasel! My poor grandparents they actually trusted him and he was so kind to them and he does this. My grandparents mean the world to me and he just played me.

 

I've been there- and the only thing I can tell you is that when someone shows you their true colours, believe THAT, not the facade they put on in the first little bit.

 

If you get into the habit of saying "NO" to this type of treatment now, while you're young- you'll be way further ahead than I was when I was young. I probably remained naive a lot longer than you because I didn't have anyone to teach me otherwise.

 

Don't beat yourself up, and don't think it's you- because it's not. He's a toolbox, and there is no greater time than the present to say "no" to being a doormat for him.

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I've been there- and the only thing I can tell you is that when someone shows you their true colours, believe THAT, not the facade they put on in the first little bit.

 

If you get into the habit of saying "NO" to this type of treatment now, while you're young- you'll be way further ahead than I was when I was young. I probably remained naive a lot longer than you because I didn't have anyone to teach me otherwise.

 

Don't beat yourself up, and don't think it's you- because it's not. He's a toolbox, and there is no greater time than the present to say "no" to being a doormat for him.

 

Amen D!

 

Nicole, D's given you the golden rule here. I think many of us put up with poor treatment in our early twenties, because we get attached to the feeling of infatuation of the first few months. How great they were, how nicely they treated us, etc. Once they start showing us who they really are, we're shocked, don't believe it and blame ourselves.

 

I also hung on to a relationship for way longer than I should have in my early 20s, because I thought that surely, there must be something I could do to get him to treat me again the way he used to. I left that relationship frazzled, with my self-esteem run to the ground. Years later, I've come to find out the guy has serious commitment issues and is unable to make it work with anyone. I spent a year of my youth trying to make a relationship work... with a guy who is unable to maintain a relationship.

 

Don't do the same mistake. Don't put up with shoddy behavior. Learn to walk away from sub-par situations. Your dating life will improve ten-fold.

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Nicole:

 

Maybe you scare him because you are too intense. It seems everything is fine until you ask him out and make plans. Some men don't like that.

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