Self-blame...ugh!

[reny9]

I hate this feeling. When something goes wrong, i always blame myself for it. I have a hard time not looking back and ask myself "why did i do that," "i shouldve done this," "i shouldve done that."

 

I am so confused with this guy. I already know he likes me because he told me. I also told him that i like him. He even told me that he hasnt dated anyone since he met me last year. Kind of a long story why it took this long for us to admit it to each other. Anyway, he was saying these things and i dont know whats wrong with me but i wasnt really saying much. Atleast not everything i wanted to say. I had so much i wanted to tell him that night but when we're finally having that heart to heart talk, i started thinking about everything too much and probably didnt get to open up about my feelings as much as i want. We had a couple of drinks that night. We're both definitely sober, far from being drunk, not even buzzed. But a part of me wanted to talk about my feelings or at least about us when we completely dont have any alcohol whatsoever in our bodies since its a very serious topic. Sadly, i never got that chance to talk to him.

 

Now i have all these regrets. Im sure my actions that night showed that i really really liked him. I even said it straight up that i really really like him. But i never said or asked about whats gonna happen to us or where i stand because i didnt want to freak him out. Now i am confused as can be and i am blaming myself for it. If only i had asked him that night.

 

We're about an hour and a half apart and we dont see each other much. He doesnt really contact me. When i do text him (which is also like once a month because i dont want to appear clingy), sometimes he responds and sometimes he doesnt. I dont know what to do. I am confused and worst of all, i cant stop thinking the events that occured that night and wish that i opened up more. Said more stuff when was joking around with me and talking to me. Ugh!!!! I hate this!