eerie_reverie Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I had sex with my boyfriend (of two months) for the first time this weekend. I had been ready for a while, but he wanted to take it slow. We had a number of conversations leading up to it where we talked about traumatizing parts of our pasts, STD tests, and birth control. He expressed a lot of anxiety about sex but seemed to be working up to it. He mentioned not liking condoms, and since we've both been tested, I got on BC. This weekend, we were messing around, and it was too much for me. It had been a week since I started taking the pills, so I knew we were reasonably protected. I got on top of him. He protested a little, asking how long I'd been on the BC, but then came very quickly. We did it 4 more times over the weekend. Now, he says he can't stop thinking about the worst case scenario. He kept me up all night with his anxiety about the unprotected sex, going so far as to ask me to see a dr for a blood test. I don't know what I can do to reassure him and I'm annoyed that he's making me feel like it was all my fault/ responsibility. I was upfront with him abotu the BC situation and I feel like if he wasn't comfortable with it, he should have been more vocal the first time, and avoided banging me subsequently. I'm starting to freak out that he's so freaked out about it all. I'm also a little peeved (perhaps unreasonably so) that the prospect of having a child is SO terrifying to him. (I don't want a kid eitehr but I accept that it's a risk inherent to sex). My instinct is to detach but this relationship was perfect before this, and I don't want to throw it away. But he is setting off a lot of my vulnerabilities and making me want to retreat into my shell. Any advice on how to work through this would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 From everything you've said earlier (that I've seen), he seemed like a really nice guy. Is he actually claiming it's your fault or is he just wiggy? He may not see you as "at fault" at all (if he does, that's a little annoying), but just not be good at expressing himself when anxious (who is?). What were the doctor's recommendations for when you'd be protected? Were 7 days it? If they were, you're in "good use" likely. No BC is perfect, and if he's so freaked out about kids, then I suppose it's up to him to also wear a condom like all the double-BC users on LS apparently (as long as you're cool with condoms). It seems like a weird issue to get all wiggy on. Sure, there's a 1% chance, but most things in life have risks. Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Did he have a condom on? I would never have sex without a condom, even if exclusive with a girl on the Pill....I just like that extra layer of safety... Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 This weekend, we were messing around, and it was too much for me. It had been a week since I started taking the pills, so I knew we were reasonably protected. I got on top of him. He protested a little, asking how long I'd been on the BC, but then came very quickly. I have some sympathy for your BF because you basically raped him and you have been on the pill for only 7 days. They say it is OK after 7 days, but you were pushing the envelope. Seven days is bare minimum. Are you orgasmic with penetration? Why were you in such a rush? The poor kid seems traumatized. Link to post Share on other sites
sm1tten Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Your hopping on top of him notwithstanding, you should both be taking measures to prevent pregnancy, and birth control alone is not 100% effective especially within the first month. I don't know who told you that a week is enough, but I've never heard or been taught that being true with the Pill, and if you already knew that he was anxious about it, I don't understand why you pushed it. If you are going to continue to have condomless sex, prepare for this scenario to happen over and over again. You could try other methods in addition to the Pill, like pulling out, spermicide, diaphragms, but he has to accept that every time you have sexual contact there is at least a small risk of pregnancy, and if he can't accept that he should not be having sex. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I have some sympathy for your BF because you basically raped him and you have been on the pill for only 7 days. They say it is OK after 7 days, but you were pushing the envelope. Seven days is bare minimum. Are you orgasmic with penetration? Why were you in such a rush? The poor kid seems traumatized. Yes, he was so traumatized by it, he had sex with her four more times. I'm sure the situation was pretty mutual. I've certainly initiated sex with a BF before, and he's never felt "violated," nor have I when he did so with me. I'm not saying it's okay to screw your BF or GF if they're not into it, but unless his protest was along the "hey stop that" lines and less along the "wait are we covered?" lines (which is what it looks like), I'm sure her actions were fine. She WAS covered. By what a doctor says. If she started BC on her period day (as you really, really should), she was covered from Day 1 and the 7 day thing is just an extra level of safety.* *Some pills are different, but THESE days on most combination pills (always ask the doc about your prescription and situation---that's their job), you are covered on the very first day if you start on the first day of your period and 7 days if you start any other time. You SHOULD start on the first day of your period because it's a shock to your normal hormonal levels otherwise (well, it's a shock anyway, but it's slightly healthier to start then, most docs say). Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Yes, he was so traumatized by it, he had sex with her four more times. I'm sure the situation was pretty mutual. I've certainly initiated sex with a BF before, and he's never felt "violated," nor have I when he did so with me. I'm not saying it's okay to screw your BF or GF if they're not into it, but unless his protest was along the "hey stop that" lines and less along the "wait are we covered?" lines (which is what it looks like), I'm sure her actions were fine. She WAS covered. By what a doctor says. If she started BC on her period day (as you really, really should), she was covered from Day 1 and the 7 day thing is just an extra level of safety.* *Some pills are different, but THESE days on most combination pills (always ask the doc about your prescription and situation---that's their job), you are covered on the very first day if you start on the first day of your period and 7 days if you start any other time. You SHOULD start on the first day of your period because it's a shock to your normal hormonal levels otherwise (well, it's a shock anyway, but it's slightly healthier to start then, most docs say). It is OK to initiate, but he was very worried about pregnancy and she just started the pill. Within that situation IMHO, she was way too aggressive. And you should know how incredibly difficult it is for a male to say NO. This is what exactly happened to me at age 13 when I had sex with our house keeper. I simply could not stop. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 It is OK to initiate, but he was very worried about pregnancy and she just started the pill. Within that situation IMHO, she was way too aggressive. And you should know how incredibly difficult it is for a male to say NO. This is what exactly happened to me at age 13 when I had sex with our house keeper. I simply could not stop. 1. TMI, Pierre! Creepy housekeeper story, ick. 2. He is not a 13 year old boy. He's her BF, and they were messing around. He also had sex with her 4 more times. I don't think he wanted to say no; I just think he has some extreme pregnancy hangup thing going on which likely has less to do with eerie than something else he's seen. 3. Once the pill is effective, it's effective. . . whether it had just become effective or they'd waited weeks or months later, it'd still be pretty much equally effective. If eerie followed her doc's instructions, she's good. 4. If he's so concerned about pregnancy, why is he anti-condom? She's on BC. If that's not good enough, what's his plan? Link to post Share on other sites
OliveOyl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 It is OK to initiate, but he was very worried about pregnancy and she just started the pill. Within that situation IMHO, she was way too aggressive. And you should know how incredibly difficult it is for a male to say NO. This is what exactly happened to me at age 13 when I had sex with our house keeper. I simply could not stop. It's incredibly difficult for a male to say NO, but not a female, when aroused? Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 1. TMI, Pierre! Creepy housekeeper story, ick. Is OK, I am not traumatized. However, was never able to say no. She had all the power. In this case she should have been more careful. In essence she betrayed his trust. Link to post Share on other sites
sm1tten Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I only know that my doctor told me to give it a month before I could consider my body truly protected and acclimated to the Pill; however, I just so happen to have my birth control pill leaflet here and it says "you will not need to use a back-up method of birth control, since you are starting the pill at the beginning of your period." These are combination pills and the formulas are slightly different by brand but the gist of it is the same. And no, I don't think that he was raped. I think they both got carried away and I think that she shouldn't have been so aggressive, knowing how paranoid he was, THE FIRST TIME. Not because I think she did something essentially wrong, but because I can't see how she didn't know that might happen. But every subsequent time, come on now. Unless he was freaking out after each session and she just kept on doing it anyway, I don't see how this is any less his responsibility. If he was aware that she'd been on the Pill for a week then he knew what he was getting himself into. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eerie_reverie Posted August 16, 2011 Author Share Posted August 16, 2011 FYI, weboth have hangups where pregnancy is concerned. There are abortions in both of our pasts. I seem to have gotten past mine better than he has. The reasons I feel ****ty are: 1. I feel like knowing what I did about his past (and the lessons I should ahve learned from mine), I should not have been so aggressive. At the time, I really couldn't stop. A part of me does think I betrayed his trust. 2. On the other hand, he continued having sex with me after that, so I'm annoyed he didn't stop, making the situation worse than if we had gotten carried away just the one time. 3. This is triggering my fear of abandonment (I am scared that he is traumatized to the point where once I get my period, he is going to bail, like the guy that knocked me up bailed as soon as I got an abortion) Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 FYI, weboth have hangups where pregnancy is concerned. There are abortions in both of our pasts. I seem to have gotten past mine better than he has. The reasons I feel ****ty are: 1. I feel like knowing what I did about his past (and the lessons I should ahve learned from mine), I should not have been so aggressive. At the time, I really couldn't stop. A part of me does think I betrayed his trust. 2. On the other hand, he continued having sex with me after that, so I'm annoyed he didn't stop, making the situation worse than if we had gotten carried away just the one time. 3. This is triggering my fear of abandonment (I am scared that he is traumatized to the point where once I get my period, he is going to bail, like the guy that knocked me up bailed as soon as I got an abortion) Okay, well that fleshes it out a bit more. I say just talk about it. Most likely, you don't have to worry. But talk about what happened and what you can do in the future to make both of you comfortable with sex as a part of your relationship and separate it from the bad memories of the past. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 This was a borderline case of rape. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 FYI, weboth have hangups where pregnancy is concerned. There are abortions in both of our pasts. I seem to have gotten past mine better than he has. The reasons I feel ****ty are: 1. I feel like knowing what I did about his past (and the lessons I should ahve learned from mine), I should not have been so aggressive. At the time, I really couldn't stop. A part of me does think I betrayed his trust. 2. On the other hand, he continued having sex with me after that, so I'm annoyed he didn't stop, making the situation worse than if we had gotten carried away just the one time. 3. This is triggering my fear of abandonment (I am scared that he is traumatized to the point where once I get my period, he is going to bail, like the guy that knocked me up bailed as soon as I got an abortion) It is not that hard to rape a man, trust me I could not stop her from having sex with me-------- and yest at times I wanted more. Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 It is not that hard to rape a man, trust me I could not stop her from having sex with me-------- and yest at times I wanted more. You of course were a lot younger than the OP's BF...and he did have sex with her 3 more times that weekend Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 OP, you do know that you are encouraged to take BC for a month before using it as the sole method of protection. And at the very least, 7 days. Even then, I personally would be antsy about using BC as the sole method of protection, period. The body's absorption of synthetic hormones is too easy to screw with - even taking excess Vitamin C screws it up. Especially when you have past issues with abortion and it seemed to affect you really, really badly (for several years, IIRC), you should really be more careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eerie_reverie Posted August 16, 2011 Author Share Posted August 16, 2011 You of course were a lot younger than the OP's BF...and he did have sex with her 3 more times that weekend For the record my bf is almost 30 and the subsequent times we've had sex (3 more times bareback, using condoms afterward) were at his initiation. I wonder if I am making a bigger deal out of this than I need to. Link to post Share on other sites
torn_curtain Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) I don't understand this really. If he's so terrified of pregnancy he should wear a condom in addition to the BC. There is a greater risk of pregnancy if you're just on BC. *Edit -- Nm. Just reread the OP. Edited August 16, 2011 by torn_curtain Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 The financial penalties imposed on men by the court system for inadvertently impregnating a female are quite steep. You can't blame the guy for being paranoid. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 The financial penalties imposed on men by the court system for inadvertently impregnating a female are quite steep. You can't blame the guy for being paranoid. The financial "penalties"?? Wow. The financial RESPONSIBILITY of raising a child lies with BOTH parents. Both should be equally careful and concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 The financial penalties imposed on men by the court system for inadvertently impregnating a female are quite steep. You can't blame the guy for being paranoid. It's more like "shared responsibility for the needs of a child" than "financial penalties imposed on men by the court system." If a child is born - both people who made it need to deal with the financial and other needs. Anyway, I agree that if he is terrified of an unwanted pregnancy it could really mess up the chances for a good sex life. It sort of seems like he really does not want to have a sexual relationship ... do you think this? I mean, have you two discussed how you could have a good sexual relationship? Or is he just thinking he'll avoid all of that? A guy who "hates" condoms but is scared of making unwanted babies sounds pretty much like a "no sex" guy. Link to post Share on other sites
EasyHeart Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Whatever works. Whenever I was in the throes of passion and was tempted to forego a condom, I chanted this little mantra: "25% of your income, 25% of your income. . ." It worked for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Enchanted Girl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 It's more like "shared responsibility for the needs of a child" than "financial penalties imposed on men by the court system." If a child is born - both people who made it need to deal with the financial and other needs. Anyway, I agree that if he is terrified of an unwanted pregnancy it could really mess up the chances for a good sex life. It sort of seems like he really does not want to have a sexual relationship ... do you think this? I mean, have you two discussed how you could have a good sexual relationship? Or is he just thinking he'll avoid all of that? A guy who "hates" condoms but is scared of making unwanted babies sounds pretty much like a "no sex" guy. I basically agree with you. Men these days are so selfish when it comes to this area. They want to enjoy the pleasure of sex and then be able to run for their lives if they impregnate a girl. I understand to some degree their fear of marriage. If they get divorced, a large portion of their income can be taken from them without the woman suffering similar consequences even if she's a huge bitch that cheated on them. But with accidental children . . . . it's different. The men run off and try to get out of paying any child support. Not only do they refuse to emotionally care for the child or be there at all, they try to pay as little for the child as possible if anything. If a child is born, it's both people's faults for not using enough or the right kind of birth control and they throw all the responsibilities and consequences of these actions on the woman and don't step up at all. Honestly, having sex for a woman is just as risky as getting married for a man. A lot of them want to get rid of marriage entirely and if things were fair, women would be trying to get rid of sex because of all of the risk to us involved, but we're not that stupid. It's an unhealthy world, in my opinion, one where people never have sex and never get married, even though the consequences for both of us can be huge emotional and financial burdens. I honestly don't get why guys freak out about this the way they do when honestly, I know personally that if I mess up with my birth control, there's a huge chance my boyfriend will abandon me and I'll be stuck with all the responsibility of financially and emotionally raising a person. *I'm* the ****ing terrified one. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 The financial "penalties"?? Wow. The financial RESPONSIBILITY of raising a child lies with BOTH parents. Both should be equally careful and concerned. When the child is unwanted and unplanned, it's a penalty. That's why he's being extra cautious - he clearly does not want a kid. Link to post Share on other sites
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