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Losing Attraction for Boyfriend, Committed to Regaining It


TeeJay

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Hi all,

This is my first time posting. I am 26 have been dating (pretty intensely) a guy for over a year, and moved in 2 months ago. We are both "old souls." During this year I have been through some bumps in the road and he has been very emotionally supportive. There are so many wonderful things that I love about him and have looked for in a mate.

 

I am the breadwinner between the 2 of us, but necessarily the smarter or more able one. I am driven, I have a good career and I am going to school to further it. He wants to be a writer, and went to undergrad for writing, but has not submitted or published anything, and is in a state of editing. To (just barely) make ends meet he works a low-paying retail job. He admittedly isn't great at sales because he lacks certain people skills and the store he is at is higher end. The fact that his social skills are behind didn't bother me as much at first, but I have to admit its not attractive.

 

Over the last year as we became more closely partnered, I feel as if I have been taking more and more care of him and us, financially and just with life-logistics. Though he brought up and asks me about things like moving in, and other things, I am the one who sees it through. I started paying for things (now everything) because he has no wiggle room in his budget, and when we moved in together, we pay equal percentage of our paycheck to rent. I make double what he makes, so I pay about 2x as much. Its nothing fancy either. Although we make equal amounts of sacrifice, I still get to feeling that we are in an unequal partnership.

 

As this has continued, I started to lose that rosy-eyed glow I had for him, and I have had less and less desire to be intimate.

 

I am under a lot of pressure, which I thought was the original problem. I thought it was the stress. But then I realized I was looking at him like something to take care of and guide, more of a responsibility then a partner. I feel like my drive to be successful is the thing keeping us afloat, and if I fail, we will fail.

 

I talked to him about all of this in the most caring and constructive way I could think of. He agreed that we are out of balance and that his lack of drive has kept him behind. He said that he has had many ideas for being more equal including going back to school for teaching, and he thinks that would make him happy. I told him he needed to really think hard about that and suggested he bounce career ideas off of an third party who he trusts.

 

This has just all come out. I told him we need to start viewing each other differently and stop taking things for granted. I am worried that even if we manage to balance things, the damage to our relationship that we have done will be irreparable and I won't ever get my attraction for him back. I told him this too, and we both agreed that no matter what we want to try. We have both thought that this relationship was leading to marriage, family, etc.

 

I am not a quitter and I take responsibility for my part in this. What I need is some solid advice (and maybe encouragement) about how to move forward and regain the spark we lost.

 

I REALLY would appreciate any help or advice. Never been in this situation before.

 

Thanks,

TeeJay

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It sounds like you've put a lot into this relationship, and that you've sat him down and had an honest, open comversation about your concerns. You're definitely committed, but at this point, it's on him to make his own improvements. I'm not sure there's much else you can do except continue to encourage him and applaud his efforts when they occur.

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Sometimes you need to learn how to let go; And I don't mean it as in give up on your RS, but as in that you need to understand that there's not much you can actually do right now.

 

RS requires 2 people, and both of them gotta work for it equally hard, when one doesn't than you will feel the imbalance immediately.

 

You must realize that you did all that you could and it is now up to him to make the next step.

 

I agree with SG, the best thing you can do right now is encourage him to the take the next step, but he must do it on his own nonetheless.

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I think it's good that you sat down and had an honest and (sounds like) non-confrontational conversation about it, and it's good that he seems receptive. But what happens from here on out is up in the air. Even if things were to take a 180, you may not regain your prior feelings. I think it's really good that you seem to recognise this.

 

The only advise I can offer is to be patient, but only to a point. At least in your own mind, you need a threshold for what you are willing to accept as positive direction... while also being realistic. For example, if he's looking for a better job or looking into going back to school, that's progress. That's something he can start doing right now - but if he doesn't land a better job or he ends up not going back to school, that's not necessarily backwards either. (Better meaning something more fitting, not just higher pay.) But if he just continues to maintain in his retail job, that's stagnant and that's not what you want.

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A relationship wprks more when the women is dating "up" in terms of social status and income

 

If the Man is equal or less to the women in those departments shell eventually lose attraction

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Thanks all, for your advice and encouragement. I do think it takes time and patience, and the most important honesty. I really hope it pays off.

 

SteveC80- you don't think its possible for a woman to be happy with a man who makes less or isn't on the same social level? You think women are hard-wired to "marry up"? Wouldn't that make it unbalanced on his side, and leave him losing attraction eventually and then maybe seeking something outside the relationship? I'm not saying there isn't evidence in our society to support this. I just think its a little depressing, and I like to this its not true in my case.

 

I am just going to keep your advice in mind, and see how it plays out over the coming months.

 

Here's hoping.

 

-T

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i quit college multiple times, and even without a degree in my early/mid 20s years ago had no trouble finding a job to support myself when i wasn't going to school. it has nothing to do with going back to school, and everything to do with ambition/motivation.

 

best of luck, but you have to deal with the fact that he may never change.

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What was he like when you met?

 

I can't figure out if the issue is he lost momentum after school while you gained momentum (a timing clash) or that he simply isn't living up to the potential you saw in him (never date a guy for his potential) or if you simply exceeded who you were/outgrew him (sadly, happens in those years). Those would all be addressed differently.

 

At any rate, it sounds like the issue isn't simply that you make more but that he is struggling to even support himself AND doing something he's not good at/doesn't like AND nurturing potentially unrealistic dreams of a career rather than going out and getting one. This doesn't mean you'll never be happy with a man who makes less than you, but I do think men (and frankly women with any kind of ambition at all) who are stuck far below what they wanted in terms of their career make bad partners because they are in no state to be happy with their own lives. That said, if it's a rough patch----well, rough career patches are common these days, and that's not really something to throw away a relationship over----however, it all depends on whether or not he can get himself out of it.

 

For your part, I'd say roll back on any caretaking instincts----anything that feels mothering. Seriously. Let him sort his own stuff out. Pay your % that you agreed upon, engage in the relationship, but don't try to guide or take care of him. And set a deadline in your mind to re-assess (don't tell him) and see where he is then.

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and here's a suggestion no matter how it turns out with him...

 

have enough money saved up so that if you do have to leave him, you can move into a place on your own and not have to beg/borrow from anyone else to do it. then you at least have peace of mind. don't spend all of your excess money on him.

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I suppose I'll echo some of the stuff already said, but the point of a woman "marrying up" is interesting.

 

Society has taught me this (now that I think about it), but a woman "marrying up" just makes sense to me. Either that or marrying equal. There are plenty of women out there who barely can get a GED who are just waiting to attract a higher class guy so they can get the "benefits" of what the guy worked for. Now that is a bit facetious of me to say, but I think you get the idea of what I'm saying.

 

However, your situation is opposite. Has your views on a man in the relationship always have been the man being the backbone of the finances and the direction of the relationship? Society will tell you that's how it's supposed to be, but of course, it doesn't HAVE to be that way. I just wonder if you had a preconceived image of what the "ideal, simple" relationship would be, and if the reality of how things are clashes into this view too hard. We all have an ideal picture of what we want our relationships to be like, but then we quickly figure out that we have to make compromises to cater to reality.

 

Honestly, I wish my last girlfriend was as determined to work things out as you are. People like you are hard to come by; loyalty is a rare attribute these days. I would just be careful and attentive to how your boyfriend responds to the talk you had with him. If he makes a sincere push forward to improve things, give him time to follow through. These things you mention sound like lifestyle changes, and those things can't be altered in a few days or even a month. If you find yourself making excuses for him when you see no improvement, I would probably reevaluate things more seriously.

 

Hope this helped you.

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Zengirl and thatone I think you have it exactly right. There is a motivation aspect to this, and its not really about money. He is working a job that isn't getting him anywhere, while waiting for someone to "discover" him which is impossible since he has not been able to get work out there. Its sort of a classic failure to launch, but more like he launched but cannot break the atmosphere.

 

A lot of his "motivation" problems are due to faulty logic I think. For 4 years since college he has been "just doing this for now" because he feels he should wait to figure out what he really wants. I remember thinking that for a while until I realized I wouldn't know what I wanted until I tried. I have shared this with him.

 

The other problem is that his family, although lovely people, are the very simple and not ambitious. From what I can tell they raised him on love, and pieces of lint. He also had and has a serious medical issue from birth, and they are just happy he is alive. I am too. His college was all big dreams and no practical knowledge, so no help there.

I had to re-do his resume myself, because they did not offer this service.

 

Edition- thanks for really reading this and for your compliment. You may be right in suggesting part of my reality is clashing with some idealized notions I had, and that its my turn to face the reality. I also agree that its unfair to expect magical miraculous change in days or weeks but that we should monitor progress.

 

Thanks everyone, I never imagined you would be so thoughtful.

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Hi all,

 

I am the breadwinner between the 2 of us,

I stopped reading after that.

 

Women who say they dont care about a man's money is like men who say they dont care about a woman's beauty. They are just lying to themselves.

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