primer Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 My boyfriend does not "take care" of me or "entertain" me. I am a financially independent woman that pays my own living expenses. I work many hours (50 - 60 a week) to remain independent and out of debt. My boyfriend is not understanding or supportive of this. If a woman is not "entitled", should the man be supportive and understanding? Should he get upset if the woman works a lot and likes to relax when she gets home? Should he understand why she does not want to go out in the evenings? Is it okay if the woman is frugal? Link to post Share on other sites
Sanman Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 In what ways is he not supportive? As long as you make regular time for the relationship, I don't see why you can't relax when you get home. Do you mean go out any evenings or just weekdays? It is fine to be frugal as long as you and he are on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
Author primer Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 He is not supportive because he wants me to be there at his beck and call. My full-time job hours are 8 AM to 5 PM (Monday through Friday). I cannot be there for him before 5 PM - and sometimes he gets mad at this. I also have a part-time job I am responsible for. That job I pick my hours, but there is still work that has to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 My boyfriend does not "take care" of me or "entertain" me. I am a financially independent woman that pays my own living expenses. I work many hours (50 - 60 a week) to remain independent and out of debt. My boyfriend is not understanding or supportive of this. If a woman is not "entitled", should the man be supportive and understanding? Should he get upset if the woman works a lot and likes to relax when she gets home? Should he understand why she does not want to go out in the evenings? Is it okay if the woman is frugal? This is what you posted in another thread: I am far from needy. I am financially stable and I own my house. (He is too.) I work hard to be financially stable. I would just appreciate small gestures from him once in a while. My friends tell me about the nice things their boyfriends or husbands do for them (oil changes, small gifts, etc.) and I get none of that. (We are in our 40s!) It does not help that I know he did EVERYTHING for his previous girlfriend. He supported her, paid for her college, and bought her a car. I get NOTHING. It makes me feel bad. To me it kinda sounds like you want to be in full control of the relationship. You want him catering to your needs and not the other way around. Sounds like you need a reality check. The name of that thread I pulled the quote from is titled "feel alone in a relationship" or something like that. hmmmmmmmmmmm Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 so you want to do whatever you want and want him to always adjust his schedule to do things for you, but when he suggests the same you always say no. enjoy being single, you have many years of it ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author primer Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 Who said anything about adjusting his schedule? I see many threads stating women are "entitled". I started this thread trying to get men to look at it from another point of view. I used my relationship as an example. In general: If you want an independent woman, are you willing to accept she will not be available at all times? In order to be independent, a person must work. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 you cannot be independent and with another person. you know why he did that stuff for his previous girlfriend? because she wasn't at work for 60 hours a week. make up your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author primer Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 you cannot be independent and with another person. you know why he did that stuff for his previous girlfriend? because she wasn't at work for 60 hours a week. make up your mind. Be real. If I did not work 50 to 60 hours a week, I would not be financially responsible. He did that stuff for his previous girlfriend because she did not work - at all! After they broke up, he said he wants a woman that can make it on her own. Well, he got it, and he does not like that either. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) i am being real. i don't pay for my gf's living expenses, she works and pays for herself. but if she got a second job, i'd be gone. i'm paying for the dinners and drinks and concerts and movies, after all, if what she saves by me paying for our entertainment isn't enough then she would just have to be happy with the jobs...and being alone. letting me pay for dates isn't taking advantage of me, letting me pay for dates and working a second job on top of that to hoard money for herself would be taking advantage of me, it's selfish. what you're doing is no different than what a gold digger does. the gold digger values money above the relationship. so do you, by putting your second job above making time for him, while simultaneously expecting him to do things for you. again, your words... My friends tell me about the nice things their boyfriends or husbands do for them (oil changes, small gifts, etc.) and I get none of that. (We are in our 40s!) It does not help that I know he did EVERYTHING for his previous girlfriend. He supported her, paid for her college, and bought her a car. I get NOTHING. It makes me feel bad.as long as you work 50-60 hours a week you're going to have a pretty casual relationship. because you're telling him that your second job is worth more than he is to you. Edited August 10, 2011 by thatone Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 primer is essentially saying she wants her BF to take care of her and be available to entertain her, but only when she is in the mood. When she isn't in the mood, she gets offended by her BF's invitations. I used to date someone just like you. It did not last long because I could tell what she was doing and I felt like she was pigeon-holing me into a small section of her life. During that little bit of time she gave me, she expected me to go all out. Whenever I tried to be a little more involved with her, just a little, we ended up having a huge argument. We actually ended up going back and forth a few times, and the few times where she made herself available I could tell she was a little upset that I did not go all out to entertain her like I used to do when we first met. Could you blame me though? After seeing the way she was I had some serious reservations. Moral of the story? You are not making him happy, so he isn't going to go above and beyond for you either. He is reciprocating the same interest and affection that you are giving him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author primer Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 I guess if he paid for the dinners and drinks and concerts and movies, I would not work that part-time job. Let's include the vacations he would like to go on too. How can I get him to pay for those things? How can I get him to understand that my full-time job pays for my living expenses and I work part-time to pay for the extras (including vacations)? Link to post Share on other sites
Disillusioned_Wife Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Hubby and I must be different because I am the bread winner in this household, neither of us feel entitlement because we both do work and we pool our money and expenses together as a husband and wife should do. It's not MY money or MY expenses or HIS money or HIS expenses at all - it's OURS. Just as the kids our both ours (biologically too), just as the household is ours, just as the vehicles and material things we have are ours, just as we are ours. I find so many couples these days, I'm talking long term relationships though, "divorce" themselves from each other with separate bank accounts, expenses and material things. There isn't much left of sharing anymore, I see a lot of couples that end up "competing" with each other over who makes more, who's entitled to more, who should be entitled, who has more expenses, who owns the house or the car, who brings in more and who should bring in more income. I find it, personally, rather sad that this happens. It kind of smacks of trust issues to me (that's my take doesn't mean that though). Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 This is what you posted in another thread: To me it kinda sounds like you want to be in full control of the relationship. You want him catering to your needs and not the other way around. Sounds like you need a reality check. The name of that thread I pulled the quote from is titled "feel alone in a relationship" or something like that. hmmmmmmmmmmm It sounds more to me like she recognizes he is capable of thoughtful gesture because he has done so with past GFs and that he now doesn't do it with her makes her feel like he either doesn't like her as much as some of his past GFs or, if he stopped because he got burned by one of them, she is getting the punishment someone else earned. She didn't say anything about not wanting to reciprocate with thoughtful gestures towards him so I don't know where you get the part where you suggest she wants him catering to her while she doesn't cater to him. To feel alone in a relationship is to feel as though the person you're with brings no change or benefit with their presence. If you met a girl and had been dating a while - would you continue to partition most of your free time to them instead of some other woman or women if you got nothing out of only being with them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author primer Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 I don't live with my boyfriend. That is why our lives are so separate, independent right now. His house is currently for sale, and when that sells he will move into my house. I suspect things will be better then and I will quit my part-time job. When will that be? Who knows? The current economy is not on our side right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author primer Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 It sounds more to me like she recognizes he is capable of thoughtful gesture because he has done so with past GFs and that he now doesn't do it with her makes her feel like he either doesn't like her as much as some of his past GFs That is exactly how I feel. I do nice things for him. When I am shopping, I pick up things he needs. I am the only one that cooks and I always make sure he has something for his lunch the next day. When he is gone, I take care of his dog. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 I don't live with my boyfriend. That is why our lives are so separate, independent right now. His house is currently for sale, and when that sells he will move into my house. I suspect things will be better then and I will quit my part-time job. When will that be? Who knows? The current economy is not on our side right now. He should see if renting out the house will pay for the expenses. Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 It sounds more to me like she recognizes he is capable of thoughtful gesture because he has done so with past GFs and that he now doesn't do it with her makes her feel like he either doesn't like her as much as some of his past GFs or, if he stopped because he got burned by one of them, she is getting the punishment someone else earned. She didn't say anything about not wanting to reciprocate with thoughtful gestures towards him so I don't know where you get the part where you suggest she wants him catering to her while she doesn't cater to him. To feel alone in a relationship is to feel as though the person you're with brings no change or benefit with their presence. If you met a girl and had been dating a while - would you continue to partition most of your free time to them instead of some other woman or women if you got nothing out of only being with them? You completely omitted the part where she said, in her own words, that she doesn't always make time for him. She likes to relax when she gets home after work, and turns him down sometimes (who knows how frequently). He probably feels bad when he gets turned down, especially when he knows she is available, so he has some reservations about going the extra mile for her. Look at my other post for more info. It's an issue of reciprocation. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 You completely omitted the part where she said, in her own words, that she doesn't always make time for him. She likes to relax when she gets home after work, and turns him down sometimes (who knows how frequently). He probably feels bad when he gets turned down, especially when he knows she is available, so he has some reservations about going the extra mile for her. Look at my other post for more info. It's an issue of reciprocation. Not always doing something doesn't mean never doing something. And for her to afford to do things with him without sponging off of him she has to work extra hours. Working extra hours means extra tired. Extra tired means sometimes you have to see to your own NEEDS before you can see to unnecessary but pleasant gestures towards other people. Its not about any disparity. Its about time and responsibility. Only 24 hours in the day and some of those you have to dedicate to rest. Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Not always doing something doesn't mean never doing something. And for her to afford to do things with him without sponging off of him she has to work extra hours. Working extra hours means extra tired. Extra tired means sometimes you have to see to your own NEEDS before you can see to unnecessary but pleasant gestures towards other people. Its not about any disparity. Its about time and responsibility. Only 24 hours in the day and some of those you have to dedicate to rest. I'm not exactly disagreeing with you here, I'm saying that he is giving her what he feels she deserves from the time she makes for him. If she is busy all the time, he is going to see it as a casual relationship and treat it as such. OP, however, knows this guy is capable of more because of the way he treated his ex. Since she had much more time for him, he was willing to do more for her. OP desires more from her man, but he isn't going to give it if he doesn't feel that reciprocation. I'm not going to judge based on the few details we have. Maybe she really does see him often and he is cold-hearted. I dunno, it's hard to say, I'm just speaking because I have been in a similar situation. What OP really needs to do is communicate to her man what she wants out of the relationship and see if he is up for it. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 i highly suspect if she actually said what she wanted he would be gone already. because what it sounds like she wants is her cake and eat it too. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 I'm not exactly disagreeing with you here, I'm saying that he is giving her what he feels she deserves from the time she makes for him. If she is busy all the time, he is going to see it as a casual relationship and treat it as such. OP, however, knows this guy is capable of more because of the way he treated his ex. Since she had much more time for him, he was willing to do more for her. OP desires more from her man, but he isn't going to give it if he doesn't feel that reciprocation. I'm not going to judge based on the few details we have. Maybe she really does see him often and he is cold-hearted. I dunno, it's hard to say, I'm just speaking because I have been in a similar situation. What OP really needs to do is communicate to her man what she wants out of the relationship and see if he is up for it. He may very well see this as a casual relationship but I doubt he would be selling his house with intent to move into her house if he thought they were in a casual relationship. But you are very correct - she should talk about this at length with him and get it sorted out before he sells that house and moves in with her. Its not fair to sit on these complaints while letting him think he has a home waiting for him. If he knew she was unhappy with his style he might not keep his house on the market. Link to post Share on other sites
iJester Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 I agree that he probably doesn't see this as a casual relationship either. He probably just doesn't think she wants to be catered to like that for a combination of reasons, most of which have been mentioned already. Link to post Share on other sites
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 you have an entitlement complex. Oh my god, give it up. Get a life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author primer Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 So when I try and communicate with him, should I tell him "I don't feel special"? That is what it boils down to since I know he is capable of it due to his past relationship. (He is the one the told me everything he did for his ex!) Link to post Share on other sites
Sanman Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Get a better job or don't date if you can't afford it. There, now that I got the stupid advice out of the way (taken from a broke guys thread) let us actually get to your problem. It sounds like you want to beat him over the head with your independence a bit because you don't feel special or taken care of. Talk to hime about not feeling special. If the expenses are that bad, then suggest lower cost alternatives. Take out Chinese or cooking and a movie/tv show at home is perfectly fine with me as long as I get to spend time with my gf. If that is all you can afford do that. If he wants to go out let him know you can't afford it, but would be happy to go if he would treat you. Maybe now isn't the greatest time for a vacation. As it is, it sounds as if you are scrambling to stay afloat financially with the lifestyle you have now. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts