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does my married coworker like me or just friendly?


greenbeans123

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greenbeans123

I've had an innocent crush on a coworker for the past six months or so, probably even longer but I only realized it around then. We've always clicked and spent the first year or so we worked together joking around a ton - lots of inside jokes, teasing each other. We would text after hours and on the weekends on occasion, but nothing regularly. I never thought much of it, he was just a buddy.

 

 

Our jobs have changed and we don't work together anymore and our relationship has changed. In the last six months, we've started to flirt a little bit. 5th grade type flirting - lots of eye contact and smiles and lots of teasing. He texts me more regularly outside of work, but still nothing regularly. We chat on im everyday at work about non-work related stuff. We got to lunch alone outside of our work building. If I take a day vacation, I get texts from him wondering where I am. When he takes vacation (even with his family), I hear from him in some way.

I feel like he sends me mixed signals, Sometimes, when I see him in person at the office unexpectedly, he gives me the cold shoulder. I don't think he goes out of his way to see me, but he does reach out over email / im every day.

 

 

 

This crush kind of hit me hard and out of nowhere, it was totally off my radar until recently and now I find myself thinking about him all the time. I know the whole morality of it is an entirely separate issue - we're both married - but that's not what I'm curious about right now (or want a lecture on).

 

 

 

I don't plan on acting on this crush, just trying to get a second person's opinion on whether it's reciprocated or not. So, what do you think? Does he have feelings for me, too?

 

 

 

Thanks in advance for not judging. I know I can control my actions, but I can't control my feelings.

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whichwayisup

Does it make a difference? knowing if he is into you or not? Other than feeding you ego, making you feel wanted and desired by someone you can never have? you said yourself, that you can't control how you feel but you CAN control your actions. So, ask yourself what is the point of knowing if he likes you the same way or not?

 

I don't mean to sound snarky, if reads that way, it's not meant to be. :)

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greenbeans123

I'm not sure why it matters. I guess to validate that it's not in my head? Plus, I don't want to be flirting by myself. I'd like to know he's at least enjoying it, if that makes sense.

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The best way to determine friendly or more is to enact the same words and behaviors in front of your respective spouses. If you get the thumbs-up from them, you're good to go :)

 

He's already demonstrated behaviors far beyond platonic friendliness, so form whatever conclusions you wish. I personally think you already know the answer. Every MW I've ever had contact with has. Women are smart :)

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OldOnTheInside
I don't plan on acting on this crush, just trying to get a second person's opinion on whether it's reciprocated or not. So, what do you think? Does he have feelings for me, too?
Who knows? Probably. Why don't you ask him and find out?

 

Or maybe have a chat with your hubby instead...

 

he best way to determine friendly or more is to enact the same words and behaviors in front of your respective spouses.

 

That too.

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whichwayisup
I'm not sure why it matters. I guess to validate that it's not in my head? Plus, I don't want to be flirting by myself. I'd like to know he's at least enjoying it, if that makes sense.

 

Okay, this is 'ego' talking, not your heart or head.

 

Stop flirting with him. He is married and it's one thing to give a compliment or two, it's another to be texting during off hours when not at work and on weekends. That's his family time and he shouldn't be playing cutesy with you or any other woman other than his wife! OF COURSE he is enjoying it, what man, married or not, wouldn't enjoy an ego feed and some flirting? The thing is, you like this guy...A little too much and before you know it, you're going to become emotionally attached to him.

 

What if a week or two goes by and you don't hear from him? How will your heart feel? Do you rely on this guy to make you feel good and put a smile on your face?

 

Stop now before this does turn into something more. It has potiential to.

 

Also, wasting time and energy on a guy who is married is pointless.

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whichwayisup

Also just read now that you are married too.

 

Ask yourself how you would feel if YOUR husband was doing this behind your back? On weekends, during family time, during dinner, during reading time with the kids.. Come on. You know this is wrong and obviously this IS affecting your marriage, how you connect (not connect now) with your husband. Wasting this energy on a MM instead of your own husband.

 

What are you going to tell your H if he stumbles across your texts? Deer in headlight reaction? Blame him? Blame the MM that he chases you and it means nothing? Or stand up and apologize for your own behaviour?

 

How would you feel, again, if the situation was reversed and your H was doing this behind your back with a married woman. Bet it would hurt and make you feel awful...

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OldOnTheInside

One thing that I'm curious about...

 

What boundaries have you set up with your hubby when it comes to flirting?

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greenbeans123
Also just read now that you are married too.

 

Ask yourself how you would feel if YOUR husband was doing this behind your back? On weekends, during family time, during dinner, during reading time with the kids.. Come on. You know this is wrong and obviously this IS affecting your marriage, how you connect (not connect now) with your husband. Wasting this energy on a MM instead of your own husband.

 

What are you going to tell your H if he stumbles across your texts? Deer in headlight reaction? Blame him? Blame the MM that he chases you and it means nothing? Or stand up and apologize for your own behaviour?

 

How would you feel, again, if the situation was reversed and your H was doing this behind your back with a married woman. Bet it would hurt and make you feel awful...

My husband knows I'm kind of a natural flirt, but he would definitely not be happy. i'm not proud of my crush, but I have genuine feelings for this guy. And to be honest, I'm enjoying the flirtation.

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greenbeans123
Okay, this is 'ego' talking, not your heart or head.

 

Stop flirting with him. He is married and it's one thing to give a compliment or two, it's another to be texting during off hours when not at work and on weekends. That's his family time and he shouldn't be playing cutesy with you or any other woman other than his wife! OF COURSE he is enjoying it, what man, married or not, wouldn't enjoy an ego feed and some flirting? The thing is, you like this guy...A little too much and before you know it, you're going to become emotionally attached to him.

 

What if a week or two goes by and you don't hear from him? How will your heart feel? Do you rely on this guy to make you feel good and put a smile on your face?

 

Stop now before this does turn into something more. It has potiential to.

 

Also, wasting time and energy on a guy who is married is pointless.

Uh-oh, it's kind of too late. I think Ive already caught feelings. The question is how do I know he has feelings for me or is just enjoying the flirting??

 

thanks for your responses!

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greenbeans123
The best way to determine friendly or more is to enact the same words and behaviors in front of your respective spouses. If you get the thumbs-up from them, you're good to go :)

 

thanks for the response. funny you bring up the wife. I did meet her once in a group setting and he was anything but comfortable and was standoffish the next day at work. what does that say?
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thanks for the response. funny you bring up the wife. I did meet her once in a group setting and he was anything but comfortable and was standoffish the next day at work. what does that say?

He's already demonstrated behaviors far beyond platonic friendliness, so form whatever conclusions you wish. I personally think you already know the answer.

 

If this is helpful at all, my exW observed similar and a divorce filing was the result. Like I said, women are smart.

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whichwayisup
My husband knows I'm kind of a natural flirt, but he would definitely not be happy. i'm not proud of my crush, but I have genuine feelings for this guy. And to be honest, I'm enjoying the flirtation.

 

You have genuine feelings for this guy, so that's all the more reason to stay away from him. Do you see how dangerous this is?

 

What's going on inside of you that you've allowed yourself to fall for another man? What are you unhappy about? Please don't blame your husband for getting attention outside of your marriage, or if you two are having issues, don't put it all on him. You do have choices, to talk to him and sort it out, reconnect, go on date nights, make your sex life more exciting, instead of letting feelings grow for another man.

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greenbeans123
If this is helpful at all, my exW observed similar and a divorce filing was the result. Like I said, women are smart.

 

Hmmmm. Interesting. Although we're definitely not there yet. I guess that serves as a good warning though!

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whichwayisup
Uh-oh, it's kind of too late. I think Ive already caught feelings. The question is how do I know he has feelings for me or is just enjoying the flirting??

 

thanks for your responses!

 

GB, it shouldn't matter. You are married and he is married. Your focus is at the wrong place and so are your priorities!

 

So, let's say he has feelings too. What then? you talk to him about it? Explore it? WHY do you want to know, other than it'll feed your ego? What if it's a bit of both? WHAT good is going to come of this? Think about that.

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greenbeans123
GB, it shouldn't matter. You are married and he is married. Your focus is at the wrong place and so are your priorities!

 

So, let's say he has feelings too. What then? you talk to him about it? Explore it? WHY do you want to know, other than it'll feed your ego? What if it's a bit of both? WHAT good is going to come of this? Think about that.

I really don't know what knowing will do for me. At first, I wanted to know that he liked me. Now I think I have that, but now I want to know if he has feelings or just likes the ego boost. I'm afraid it will never be enough! that doesn't stop the curiosity, though

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greenbeans123
So you're staying with your husband until you find a replacement? It sounds like you've already made up your mind and just want to know if this guy is into you before dumping your husband.

no, i absolutely didn't mean that! I have feelings for another guy, but that doesn't mean i want to leave my husband! I don't think it's so unnatural for a person to have feelings for more than one person.

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greenbeans123
You have genuine feelings for this guy, so that's all the more reason to stay away from him. Do you see how dangerous this is?

 

What's going on inside of you that you've allowed yourself to fall for another man? What are you unhappy about? Please don't blame your husband for getting attention outside of your marriage, or if you two are having issues, don't put it all on him. You do have choices, to talk to him and sort it out, reconnect, go on date nights, make your sex life more exciting, instead of letting feelings grow for another man.

I definitely see how dangerous it is. I'm not sure how I developed these feelings. It's been gradual and all of a sudden it hit me how deeply those feelings have grown. Sure, it's nice to have something new and exciting, but I feel a bond with him that's grown over time. I guess that's why I'm so curious if it's mutual. It's something I feel pretty strongly and I'd feel kind of silly to be experiencing this all on my own. Does that make sense?

 

thanks so much for hanging in here with me, btw!

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whichwayisup
I really don't know what knowing will do for me. At first, I wanted to know that he liked me. Now I think I have that, but now I want to know if he has feelings or just likes the ego boost. I'm afraid it will never be enough! that doesn't stop the curiosity, though

 

Well, think of losing what you have with your husband. That love, trust and faith he has in you. What if he stumbles across your phone and reads those messages? Imagine having to answer to him, seeing the hurt, pain and disappointment he'll feel. Remember your wedding vows...

 

I definitely see how dangerous it is. I'm not sure how I developed these feelings. It's been gradual and all of a sudden it hit me how deeply those feelings have grown. Sure, it's nice to have something new and exciting, but I feel a bond with him that's grown over time. I guess that's why I'm so curious if it's mutual. It's something I feel pretty strongly and I'd feel kind of silly to be experiencing this all on my own. Does that make sense?

 

thanks so much for hanging in here with me, btw!

 

You let this get out of hand. It's totally inappropriate and a selfish friendship. It IS doing damage to you, your marriage and what you feel for your husband. You made choices along the way, without thinking of the damage this is going to cause, without thinking of your husband.

 

I still think you need to work on the ego part of this. Somehow you're letting this roll out and obsess in your head a certain way. It isn't good for your marriage...

 

Question is, what will it take for you to stop?

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whichwayisup
no, i absolutely didn't mean that! I have feelings for another guy, but that doesn't mean i want to leave my husband! I don't think it's so unnatural for a person to have feelings for more than one person.

 

But you are feeding this crush thing by keeping intouch with him, having flirty conversations and getting to know him more and more. Texting away from office hours, weekends etc., it's become a habit and that's not good.

 

Yes people can have feelings for another, care about them, but NOT cross the lines at the same time. You and him are crossing lines and boundries. You do know this deep down.

 

Again, what are you going to do to stop all this? Or do you not want it to stop?

 

Will it take your H or his wife to find out to make you snap out of it?

 

Do you have kids? if so, think of them. Is a flirtation and a chance of feeling hot for another guy (MM) worth pissing away your marriage, uprooting your kids lives?? Turning their innocent lives upside down because you can't help yourself?

 

Sorry that if that is harsh, but what you are doing IS selfish and it's on the expense of your husband and children if you have any. Innocent people who do NOT deserve this.

 

Do you love your H? If so, then STOP this behaviour and say goodbye to the MM. Find women friends. If you need excitement and are bored, talk to your H. Go try some new hobbies... Skydiving, or something fun that will get your heart rate pumping.

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honeybadger
I definitely see how dangerous it is. I'm not sure how I developed these feelings. It's been gradual and all of a sudden it hit me how deeply those feelings have grown. Sure, it's nice to have something new and exciting, but I feel a bond with him that's grown over time. I guess that's why I'm so curious if it's mutual. It's something I feel pretty strongly and I'd feel kind of silly to be experiencing this all on my own. Does that make sense?

 

thanks so much for hanging in here with me, btw!

 

I understand where you are coming from, as a long time MM I've been in similar situations albeit the other party has usually been single. I have a great marriage so would never act upon anything, but despite this, the need to know whether the interest is real does eat away at me.

 

Maybe I just need validation that I am still attractive to women after being married for so long, or perhaps this is just a consequence of getting married too young.

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greenbeans123

Yes people can have feelings for another, care about them, but NOT cross the lines at the same time. You and him are crossing lines and boundries. You do know this deep down.

 

Again, what are you going to do to stop all this? Or do you not want it to stop?

 

Will it take your H or his wife to find out to make you snap out of it?

 

Sorry that if that is harsh, but what you are doing IS selfish and it's on the expense of your husband and children if you have any. Innocent people who do NOT deserve this.

 

Do you love your H?

Thanks again for the responses. I guess I'm curious what I'm doing wrong to cross a line? While our texts are during the weekend/nights, they are all just normal friendly conversation. Is the texting in itself bad?

 

Thanks again for your responses

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whichwayisup
Thanks again for the responses. I guess I'm curious what I'm doing wrong to cross a line? While our texts are during the weekend/nights, they are all just normal friendly conversation. Is the texting in itself bad?

 

Thanks again for your responses

 

Does your husband know that you text on the weekend and nights? If he read a couple of the message, would his red flag go up?

 

You said that you DO have feelings for this guy too. By texting and also wondering if he feels the same way IS the crossing the line. On your behalf..

 

Would you truly feel comfortable inviting him over to your house, to meet your husband? Would you feel comfortable meeting his spouse?

 

I think you're trying to minimize the seriousness of this and the potiental of how quickly things can turn into an affair. A look, a hug, a touch.. No big deal so you think.. Then a little kiss, means nothing since you don't plan on divorcing your H or allowing an affair to happen.. Right? I'm just saying this game (intentionally or subconsciously) that is going on with him IS affecting you and your marriage, what you feel for your husband.

 

DO you think about this guy a lot? Fantasize? In the morning? While you go to sleep? If you didn't hear from him for a few weeks, would you feel something? Meaning, miss hearing from him.

 

You ARE getting attached to him and when you're married it's something you need to be aware of. It's one thing to care about a friend, it's another when it's a guy and you're allowing feelings to grow and to become attached (emotionally).

 

Do think about this..

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whichwayisup
Thanks again for the responses. I guess I'm curious what I'm doing wrong to cross a line? While our texts are during the weekend/nights, they are all just normal friendly conversation. Is the texting in itself bad?

Thanks again for your responses

 

You're welcome and I'm glad you're asking questions and taking in the advice..

 

How would you feel if your husband was texting another woman during the evenings and weekends?

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greenbeans123
Does your husband know that you text on the weekend and nights? If he read a couple of the message, would his red flag go up?

I think you're trying to minimize the seriousness of this and the potiental of how quickly things can turn into an affair. A look, a hug, a touch.. No big deal so you think.. Then a little kiss, means nothing since you don't plan on divorcing your H or allowing an affair to happen.. Right? I'm just saying this game (intentionally or subconsciously) that is going on with him IS affecting you and your marriage, what you feel for your husband.

 

DO you think about this guy a lot? Fantasize? In the morning? While you go to sleep? If you didn't hear from him for a few weeks, would you feel something? it's something you need to be aware of.

 

Do think about this..

you're right, I am definitely getting attached and not hearing from him for awhile would definitely be a blow for me. A major one. The thing is, is that i really don't want to back away. We have been doing the same things for months without anything escalating and I can't imagine things doing so now -- even just that little kiss. I don't even know if henhas feelings for me! Maybe he's just trying to be friends and I've blown it all up in my head?

 

My husband has seen some of the texts and I don't think he was happy about it, but am I not allowed to have any male friends? Where is the line?

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