Would you consider these to be RED FLAGS?

[Coleen]

Hello All

My sisters recomended this forum. I am in a new relationship with someone at work. We got together three months ago at a work party. When I first met him he was in a long term relationship (5+ yrs)but I didn't really talk to him then that much. I found out he broke it off with his girlfreind and then a month later as I decided I really liked him I made my move at the party and the rest is history!

I think we have a great relationship. Much better than my last! I even think I may have had something to do with him breaking up with his ex as he was so quick to settle into a relationship with me so soon after they split.

 

RED FLAGS?:

 

1 It is my sisters who think I should slow down. They think it's a rebound for him and that I need to expect he may back off sometime soon.

That's red flag number one.

 

2 number two is that he still meets up with his ex. He tells me he is just a good guy who always keeps friends with his exes. When I asked him about any other exes he was friends with he changed the subject so he may only be in contact with this most recent ex.

I think that makes it a better situation but my sister thinks it makes it worse. Surely one ex is better than a ton of exes?!! Red flags 1 and 2 are the ones my sisters think are the most worrying.

 

3 Red flag number three is that we work together. This is not my main concern. I love seeing him all the time but worry if this is a bad thing.

 

4 My main issue is this: Sometimes when he goes out with friends he doesn't invite me. I expect to spend most of my spare time with my boyfriend. For example last weekend I had no plans for Friday evening. He had arranged to meet some friends and he didn't ask me so I asked him if I could go (I've met them before once). He said it was just 'the boys' and no one else's girlfriend was going. So I stayed in on my own!!!

Another friends issue. I invite him to couples things with couples I know but he has told me he's not really into things like that. I think that if you are in a relationship you should socialise with other couples and go to each others homes for dinner etc. I also think we should see single friends as well but ALSO make a bit more effort to socialise with other couples, more so than you would have done when single. He's not happy to do couples things every weekend and would rather see his friends. However we do do a lot of things alone just the two of us which I think is the sticking glue in our relationship - we get on well.

 

This all came about when I told my sisters that I would love him to move in with me. I know it's quite soon but if you feel it you should go for it right? Life's too short. Sisters think I should wait, they are not making me feel very positive about it all.

 

Any opinions on the above?

[Helda]

Hi Coleen

 

Funny as I met my ex bf one month after he broke up with his gf of 5 years aswell!!!

He was also still in contact with his ex and I would most def say that number 2 IS a red flag. It's worse that he is ONLY in contact with his recnt ex. He is probably not over her yet and as you have only been with him a very short time I'm sure many on LS would agree that it is a rebound r/s that you are in ESPECIALLY as he is still in contact with the ex gf.

Please tread carefully.

I did and it was worthwhile. I broke it off with my ex recently and know it was the right thing to do.

[Coleen]

Thank you Helda

I've just had a quick look at your posts and I think that in your situation I would have broken up with my boyfriend too. It's for the best you are right.

I don't think my boyfriend sees his ex that much though.

Interesting that we both got together with a guy one months after they ended a five year relationship. Spooky. Hope it's not the same guy!

[oaks]

1 It is my sisters who think I should slow down. They think it's a rebound for him and that I need to expect he may back off sometime soon.

 

He had only 1 month to get over a 5+ year relationship? Perhaps he's not over his ex. Yes, that could be something to be concerned about but it's a bit late now that you've dived in there! You'll just have to judge his actions as time progresses.

 

2 number two is that he still meets up with his ex. He tells me he is just a good guy who always keeps friends with his exes.

 

Some people consider this a deal-breaker. Up to you. What would be a concern is if he's not over his ex, but that's really the same issue as the first one rather than a separate thing. Ask him whether he still has feelings for her. Why did they split up? Does him staying friends with her make sense in the context of why they split up? Have you met her?

 

3 Red flag number three is that we work together. This is not my main concern. I love seeing him all the time but worry if this is a bad thing.

 

Well, if that's a red flag it's another one that you've driven straight past so it's a bit late now. Yes, some people refuse to have relationships with colleagues. If you held that view then presumably you wouldn't have made a move on him! So, what's the problem?

 

4 My main issue is this: Sometimes when he goes out with friends he doesn't invite me. I expect to spend most of my spare time with my boyfriend.

 

There's another active thread in this forum on exactly this topic, so have a read of that. If it's just "sometimes" then try to deal with it.

 

 

In summary, I think the biggest concern is whether he's over his ex.

[Arasae]

In summary, I think the biggest concern is whether he's over his ex.

 

I agree with that. If he's actually over his ex, then seeing her probably isn't as big of a deal--I guess it just depends on your comfort level.

 

As for him not liking couples things, I understand why that's frustrating, but consider the contrary: my boyfriend has never flat-out stated that he's not a fan of couples-time. Instead, he goes and feels uncomfortable the entire time. I can tell--he makes a valiant effort, but it ends up with everyone not having as much fun because we're all trying to make him comfortable, to no avail (even though he never DOES or SAYS anything wrong--it's just a vibe).

 

I think you should be careful about moving in together this soon, though. You already work with him, so you might suddenly have more "together" time than he is comfortable with. Yes, you might be fine with it, but he, ultimately, may not be.

 

Wait until you know him a little better and feel okay with some of these "red flags" as you say before moving in together--after all, if it's meant to be, it'll work out, right? =)

[Lilmisus]

Yeah, 1 and 2 are red flags but the others I wouldn't be too worried about.

 

Definitely take things slowly and don't try to move in with him especially just yet. If he asks you, then maybe consider it, but don't ask him since y'all have only been together for a few months after he was with someone for five years. Personally..I don't think I could date someone that soon after a long-term relationship like that, because he's most definitely not over his ex since he's still in contact with her and is claiming it's because he's a "good guy." If he was a "good guy" then he would wait a few more months before starting up dating again, and focus on himself a bit longer instead of jumping into another serious relationship.

 

If I were you, I'd try to slow things down a bit. Don't try to push going out with other couples, let him have his nights out with the guys (guys need time together just like girls need their time), and most importantly don't bring up living together. Wait a few more months at least, and see how invested he is in the relationship at that point before you try to really socialize more so as a couple and before taking the relationship to the next level.

[Coleen]

 

Some people consider this a deal-breaker. Up to you. What would be a concern is if he's not over his ex, but that's really the same issue as the first one rather than a separate thing. Ask him whether he still has feelings for her. Why did they split up? Does him staying friends with her make sense in the context of why they split up? Have you met her?

 

In summary, I think the biggest concern is whether he's over his ex.

 

This forum is great as I usually only get advice on these type of things from my sisters who are so negative (read: protective!).

 

Anyway, we have spoken about the ex and he has said he is definately over her. He broke it off with her after all. He says he will never look back as he hated the time they had together at the end. Too many arguements. 'Hated' was the actual word he used and at the time I thought it a bit strong. I asked him why he stayed with her so long and he said he didn't know if he was doing the right thing. Could he still have doubts as he is still in contact with her? I have never met her and he has said that she said she wouldn't feel comfortable meeting me. Nor would I feel comfortable meeting her.

 

He says they were such great friends before and for the majority of their relationship and he wants the friendship to continue as that was the best thing they had.

 

He SAYS he is over her but are there any ways I can 'test' this out?

[oaks]

He SAYS he is over her but are there any ways I can 'test' this out?

 

Meet her, and take him along, and see how they interact.

[Coleen]

Meet her, and take him along, and see how they interact.

 

Yeah that would be the best way to judge the situation but I don't think that's going to happen. I for one do feel bad about 'nabbing' her ex so soon after he dumped her and would hate to meet the new girlfriend if I was in her situation. And she doesn't seem happy to meet me either. I really don't think my boyfriend would arrange this meeting anyway.

[oaks]

Yeah that would be the best way to judge the situation but I don't think that's going to happen. I for one do feel bad about 'nabbing' her ex so soon after he dumped her and would hate to meet the new girlfriend if I was in her situation. And she doesn't seem happy to meet me either. I really don't think my boyfriend would arrange this meeting anyway.

 

Are you sure she doesn't want to meet you? Or is that just what your bf is telling you? It sounds like things are still awkward between them, but whether that's him not over her or her not over him (or both) it hard to tell from here. Ask him if he thinks that she's over him, and if he thinks that she isn't over him ask him if he thinks it's a good idea for him to keep seeing her.

 

I'd be concerned if my SO had a friend who I wasn't allowed to meet (which I know isn't actually what you said), especially if it was an ex.

 

How often does he meet up with his ex? Where do they meet? What do they do?

[Coleen]

Are you sure she doesn't want to meet you? Or is that just what your bf is telling you? It sounds like things are still awkward between them, but whether that's him not over her or her not over him (or both) it hard to tell from here. Ask him if he thinks that she's over him, and if he thinks that she isn't over him ask him if he thinks it's a good idea for him to keep seeing her.

 

I'd be concerned if my SO had a friend who I wasn't allowed to meet (which I know isn't actually what you said), especially if it was an ex.

 

How often does he meet up with his ex? Where do they meet? What do they do?

 

What does SO mean?

Anyway although I definately think my boyfriend is over his ex (he did end it as I said previously) I don't think she's over him. He told me she was really upset and cried. She cried once when they met up soon after they split but when him and I were already together. I think she is a bit better now though becasue he used to tell me when he felt bad as she was crying and he hasn't mentioned it lately even though they have seen each other probably 5 or 6 times in the last three months. He said he wanted to see her more straight after they broke up because he felt he needed to be there for her as he was the cause of her sadness. Now she's a bit better they still see each other just as much. He says he will always be in contact with her just as he will always be in contact with his best school / college friends.

When they meet they get something to eat, have a few drinks, what you normally do when you meet up with friends I suppose. He doesn't go to her house though as I asked him.

[oaks]

What does SO mean?

 

Significant Other. Generic phrase for partner, girlfriend, boyfriend etc.

 

As for the other stuff, are you bothered by it? It sounds like he's having dinner with his ex about once a fortnight. Some people would run away screaming, and some people think that staying friends with long-term exes is just a grown-up way to deal with relationships.

 

(and why isn't "exes" in my spell checker? It's the plural of "ex", the name of the letter X, for starters. Stoopid spell checker.)

[vsmini]

Rebound relationships rarely last

I'm not saying he doesn't like you or that he's a nasty guy but that's what this is.

 

Way too soon after such a long relationship - why would he want to automatically jump into another relationship.

 

I won't date a guy that's still involved or communicating with his ex. No exceptions. Nice guy or not - way too much to deal with there. Especially since it's been such a long lasting relationship between the two of them and how soon he met you.

 

Work - I dated a guy that I used to work with. When we broke up it was an utter nightmare. I thought we could be mature - we're in our late twenties - it was awful. Even though we never acted out or got into it at work, just seeing each other was pure torture.

 

So - I wouldn't be getting involved with this guy at all. Ex and working together = no go for me.

[Coleen]

Thanks to all of you so far, really, really helpful.

 

I think my boyfriend may have finished with his ex because of me. Someone we work with told me they thought he liked me even though he was still in a relationship then. Would our's still be a rebound relationship then? Technically?

 

The more I think about it the ex thing isn't good. I was more concerned that he didn't want to be 'couply' and you know, the ex still being on the scene, could have a lot to do with that!