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A Girl, Her Long Distance Boyfriend, and Me


isdn00789

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So here is my story, but devoid of a lot of details in an effort to remain anonymous:

 

I went to a party last week, and I met a girl. As the night went on, the attraction between us grew, and eventually I "made a move", which she accepted. However, a little while later she pulled me aside and told me she shouldn't have done that (despite wanting to do more) because she has boyfriend (who lives over 1000 miles away). From that point forward I wasn't really sure what to do/say, and she ended up leaving a little while later.

 

Neither of us had a way to contact each other, and although I wasn't sure it was the best idea, I decided to see if I could find her on Facebook. I did, and it turns out she was actually trying to track me down on Facebook. She says she wants to hang out again.

 

Maybe I'm reading the situation wrong, but to me it seems like this girl is pretty interested in me (and I in her). Am I complete ******* if I pursue this with anything but friendship in mind?

 

(Note: I've been in a similar position before, I tried to be "just friends", but in the end I ended up with the girl. However, I also ended up feeling like a bit of a jerk.)

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Ruby Slippers

It sounds like she wants you. Knowing that she is a cheater, do you want her? If I got involved with a person like that, it would be for sex only. But even that is risky, because a woman who will cheat on her LDR boyfriend might not hesitate to do ruthless things to you, too. Personally, I'd avoid her.

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It sounds like she wants you. Knowing that she is a cheater, do you want her? If I got involved with a person like that, it would be for sex only. But even that is risky, because a woman who will cheat on her LDR boyfriend might not hesitate to do ruthless things to you, too. Personally, I'd avoid her.

 

I figured I would get a response like this, and almost said something about it, but here is my response:

 

Dating anyone is risky in the sense that people's actions can't be predicted with that much certainty. It is true that a woman who will cheat on her LDR boyfriend might cheat on me, but it is also true that a girl who has no history of that might do the same types of things. Besides, she stopped things before we even made it to kissing. She hardly cheated, and she I believe she felt bad both for doing it and for leading me on.

 

So I guess my answer is yes, I'm still interested because bad things could happen with anyone. It has been almost 4 years since I've been this interested in someone, so I hate to pass up an opportunity just because of something bad that might happen at some point in the future.

 

 

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.

-Theodore Roosevelt-

 

^^ That pretty much sums up my thoughts.

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Ruby Slippers
As the night went on, the attraction between us grew, and eventually I "made a move", which she accepted. However, a little while later she pulled me aside and told me she shouldn't have done that (despite wanting to do more) because she has boyfriend (who lives over 1000 miles away).

If there was no kissing, what exactly did your move entail?

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The details aren't really that important. Things were heading that way, and it was clear she was interested (in fact, she flat out told me that).

 

I'm not planning to take this girl out with the intention of getting her to cheat on her boyfriend with me (that would be rude, and I don't think it would work out well even if it worked). I'm planning to take her out to show her that she can have a good time here, with me. If she is as interested as it seemed, spending time together might very well be enough to make her question why she is dating someone 1000 miles away when she could be dating me. Yes, this might lead to disappointment, but if I don't do anything at all, there is no chance of anything happening, not even a friendship (which would be better than nothing).

 

My question is:

Am I an ******* for trying to get this girl to decide she wants to date me instead of her current boyfriend?

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I have been in a similar situation recently, so I'm going to try and offer you a slightly different perspective.

 

At the moment, you don't really know this girl: whether she's an attention seeker who has no intention of leaving her boyfriend, a person on the verge of breaking up with an LDR boyfriend for whom you may be the catalyst, or something else.

 

Either way, you have learned something about her dating style from what happened at the party which you might want to store away for later.

 

If you do like her and want to see if the situation has any potential, I would meet up with her but I'd use that occasion to define your boundaries. Personally, I'd explain that you like her but you won't let it go any further while she's still attached. Then go away and try and minimise contact. Don't add her on FB for now for all the best reasons: you need to be able to vanish off the radar if she shows signs of messing you around, and FB stalking someone with a boyfriend will only mess you up and put you in the ******* category.

 

It is a delicate situation but can be handled with decency, in my opinion. Please try not to cheat with her though if you have any faith or interest in having a relationship as it will permanently tarnish things in the future.

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Ruby Slippers
My question is:

Am I an ******* for trying to get this girl to decide she wants to date me instead of her current boyfriend?

Pretty much. But she's also an ******* for indicating to you that she's willing to step out on her boyfriend. So.. two peas in a pod?

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As another poster said, don't pursue her for anything beyond sex. If she doesn't give it up in a couple weeks, stop talking to her.

 

Don't feel like an *******. She's going to do it with someone, you may as well get your dick wet. You should be chasing other prospects, so you don't become invested in this one.

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If it were me, I would pass. There are plenty of single women you can hook up with.

 

If you really want to sex her though (and that's what she's looking for), go ahead. Just don't come crying here after you've fallen for her and she does the same to you that she's doing to her current BF.

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Pierre:

Lets assume you are the BF a 1000 miles away. Would you like some guy to make a move on your GF?

No, I wouldn't like it, but I also wouldn't be living 1000 miles away from my girlfriend and expecting her not to face this kind of thing.

 

Would you be willing to deal with the BF if he returns home and finds you in bed with his GF?

I'm not going to be in bed with his GF. I'm only talking about spending time with her (and not necessarily just her... if I invite her to do anything I'll make sure she knows her friends are welcome too). It's not like my goal is to get her to cheat on her boyfriend. In fact, I'm not going to cheat with her, but I wouldn't exactly be unhappy if she decided to break up with her current boyfriend in favor of me.

 

Do you believe in the Golden Rule? Or are you out to take care of yourself regardless of the situation?

I believe that the Golden Rule is a fantastic idea, but that it will never work precisely because there are too many people out there doing nothing but trying to get ahead.

 

This idea of pursuing friendship is BS and a mechanism of rationalization to give yourself permission to go after her.

Think what you want, but I would actually like to have a few more friends, and I see no reason why the can't be girls. Not to mention, even if she is never anything more than just a friend, that doesn't mean her friends wouldn't be potential options for me.

 

Is there really a good reason to not know her just because I'm interested in more than friendship if possible? I say the answer is no.

 

I know that she seems to be willing to cheat, but a decent girl would simply break up with her BF.

She actually doesn't seem that willing to cheat. After all, she did stop things before they really went anywhere. She does, however, seem interested. I'd like to remain an option for her (but don't get me wrong... I'll take another option if one comes along).

 

Do you want a girl that is a cheater? At some point you could be the BF and she will make the move on some other guy.

I said it before, but I'll say it again... There is this potential with anyone. Is it really reasonable to restrict yourself just for that reason? If I found out she had a long history of cheating, things would be different, but at this point I have no reason to assume the worst of her.

 

Rose T:

At the moment, you don't really know this girl: whether she's an attention seeker who has no intention of leaving her boyfriend, a person on the verge of breaking up with an LDR boyfriend for whom you may be the catalyst, or something else.

This is very true, and it is a large part of the reason I'd like to spend more time with her. I'm not saying I'd still be interested after knowing her better, but right now I am.

 

If you do like her and want to see if the situation has any potential, I would meet up with her but I'd use that occasion to define your boundaries. Personally, I'd explain that you like her but you won't let it go any further while she's still attached. Then go away and try and minimise contact. Don't add her on FB for now for all the best reasons: you need to be able to vanish off the radar if she shows signs of messing you around, and FB stalking someone with a boyfriend will only mess you up and put you in the ******* category.

 

It is a delicate situation but can be handled with decency, in my opinion. Please try not to cheat with her though if you have any faith or interest in having a relationship as it will permanently tarnish things in the future.

I do like her, and definitely would like to see if the situation has any potential. I respect what you're saying, and it largely mirrors my feelings. However, I have added her as a friend on Facebook, but only because it as the only way to regain contact (I wasn't sure if I'd ever see her again otherwise). I'm not terribly worried about that, however, because she was going to add me if she found me, and I wouldn't have denied the request. Keep in mind, I'm not stalking her on Facebook, I just added her as a friend.

 

Rest assured, nothing more than friendly activities will be taking place between this girl and I unless her current relationship ends.

 

Samspade:

If it were me, I would pass. There are plenty of single women you can hook up with.

I never seem to meet any... at least any that I'm interested in. It's rare for me to be this attracted to someone.

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