Making my life difficult

[robdrm32]

I've had few posts recently about a girl i've been seeing and i'm starting to think i'm the reason we've had alot of problems.

 

She is a VERY shy girl, she likes me alot but has so much trouble expressing it. Alot of times i can't help but take it personally. She can't communicate how she feels outside of texting very well, if i try to talk to her she just shuts down. I never yell or get disrespectful.

 

She is always taking me to family events, and offers invites to come do family things with her but rarely will she initiate couple time. I feel like i'm always the one bringing it up.

 

So now i'm thinking that i've been pushing to hard for her to open up, to make me a priority and i react to every little thing in my head and turn it into her not putting effort in. Which may be making her pull back more. She has mentioned that she is afraid to get close because she might lose me.

 

I feel like if i pull back and let her "take the reigns" that things will just stagnate because she doesn't have the personality or confidence to make things happen. Letting her come to me is a nice idea i just get the feeling it wont happen and she will be satisfied with texting throughout the days and rarely seeing eachother. I've laid out my needs as clearly as i can to her.

 

I think alot of it may have to do with me trying to move things along too fast for her, but we have been together for 2 months, i think we should be further along. Maybe i'm just being impatient?

 

Has anyone been in a situation like this, where someone keeps you at a distance, sends the wrong signals, yet you know they are committed? How did you deal with it?

[thatone]

"Hey, listen to me for a minute here. I know you aren't trying to get rid of me or you wouldn't invite me to meet your family and do things with your family. But we should be getting over these shy issues by now, it's been months. Don't be hesitant or indecisive about me, I'm not going anywhere. But it would be nice to have a little reassurance that the feelings are mutual.

 

So firstly, whatever you're about to say, don't apologize. I'm not looking for "I'm sorry". Second, if you feel like saying something, say it. You won't hurt my feelings, you won't offend me, and you won't disappoint me.

 

Now, this is the part where you think of the day that you have free next week and you ask me if I want to go do something with you that you want to do. And right after that is the part where I say yes."

 

Weren't you about to say something?"

 

 

Don't let her speak until you've made your entire speech like the above.

 

Points worth noting in the wording...

 

a) there is no criticism of her directly in all of the above. 'we' need to get over the shy issues, not 'you' need to get over them. the point about 'don't be shy around me' does not even have the word 'you' in it.

 

b) the natural reaction is for her to feel self conscious about it and burst into a string of apologies after which she will go home and torment herself for hours on end about how she's screwing it up and she will convince herself, very possibly, to get even worse about being shy to avoid the letdown. so you eliminate that possibility before it happens by telling her before she gets a chance to speak that apologizing is not ok, and you specifically do not want her to do it.

 

c) and of course the last bit is exactly what you want spelled out in plain english. all she has to do is agree with you and say what you invited her to say.

 

now the catch is whatever she says you're gonna have to go along with it. if she wants you to go to her stupid yoga class that you secretly laugh at you're gonna have to go, and you're gonna have to like it. after another couple of weeks once the shy period is over you can ease back on that stuff and tell her the truth about what you like and don't like and work it out from there, but in the meantime you're gonna have to gain her trust.

 

if she picks up on the fact that you don't like whatever activity it is that she's inviting you to do and gets frustrated about it, you're gonna have to be johnny on the spot with the "I don't want to disappoint you any more than you want to disappoint me" line to reassure her. then once she'll talk, have conversations about what you like and don't like, and what she likes and doesn't like, and then she'll know what types of things she can do for you and invite you to that you'll like. explain every step of the way, just like the hypothetical example at the top of this post.

 

"Yeah, I don't like your yoga class. But that's ok, you'll probably hate my Sundays when football season comes around, that's part of it. You can go do your yoga while I'm watching football, and by then you'll know that I love those hot wings from the place around the corner from your yoga classes, and when you bring me a few of them you might be surprised to find out that I left in the third quarter to go get you those shoes that you were looking at but didn't buy, and as long as we talk about that stuff you'll find that those sorts of things tend to start happening all the time, and if you let yourself, you might just enjoy it".

[robdrm32]

thanks for that well thought out response.

 

What i have done is put things in her hands, i told her that flat out its in your hands now, you have to show me where you want this relationship to go. I've said what i need to say and its up to you to act on it.

 

Its funny you mentioning her apologize because she always always does that when i say something, she just wants to apologize so i'm not mad without always understanding why it upset me.

 

I've come to think that she just doesn't know how to be in a relationship, shes a good person but just naive about things.

 

I would love to say what you wrote and i might, i'm just wondering if i should hold off and see how the week goes because i think maybe i'm saying things too often and harping on the whole situation which causes her to get more shy like you said, and making it harder for her to relax.

[thatone]

yeah, i know the type, i've dated a few like that. the apologies wear on me, especially when the vast majority of the time there's nothing to apologize for.

 

leaving it up to her is a bad idea. you know she's shy and self conscious, she will be more comfortable pushing you away than opening up. you're gonna have to coax it out of her.

 

practice it. be the guy who has good stories in big crowds of friends or at family gatherings. go to these hipster bars where people read in front of the crowd to get comfortable doing so. if you're in college, take the public speaking class as an elective. it's a skill, not a natural talent.

 

for me, i just happened to get a job in radio when i was just out of high school so that's where i learned.

 

when you learn how to gauge people's reactions and give them the conversation they want, or make the conversation comfortable for them, you'll have more success with people that have different personalities than yourself. not just women, it transfers to business relationships and family relationships too.

 

hell, since she's gonna clam up and run away if you leave her to her own devices, you might as well practice on her. maybe she'll come around .